


Windfall

by julysunicorn



Category: BioShock 1 & 2 (Video Games), Cartoon Network Universe: FusionFall, Invader Zim, Mass Effect Trilogy, Psychonauts (Video Games)
Genre: Child Soldiers, F/M, Mpreg, Multiple Crossovers, Nymphomania, Poor Life Choices, Psychic Abilities, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:33:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 87
Words: 135,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28167792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julysunicorn/pseuds/julysunicorn
Summary: The Fusion invasion strikes the hometown of Winifred Walter, a young cashier at Burger Frenzy, forcing her to leave behind her boring suburban life and pick up a weapon to combat the alien threat... and face the broken heart she's been ignoring.
Relationships: Wind Walter/Dexter
Kudos: 1





	1. The Beginning of the End

**Author's Note:**

> helllo out there everyone! c: in case you are not aware, i recently uploaded an old story of mine for sims 2 titled The Death of Johnny! my friends on campus really enjoyed it and it got a lot of views, i am quite humbled by the attention its not a very good story if im honest, but it encouraged me to publish some of my older stoires as well! maybe somone will enjoy it after all that is why i write in the first place, to make someone's day brighter. c: so here's another older story i wrote for fusionfall, it is a character backstory for my character in the game, but for privacy reasons i changed my character name so just so you know, winifred "wind" walter is not my character in the og game nor is she my character in retro, so if you see someone with that name, it's not me. c: i hope you enjoy, but i do want to warn everyone, i wrote this when i was an "edgy" kid and one character in particular (youll see who it is in the fisrt chapter don't worry) drops what they call cluster f-bombs and it's not very polite but it's just how i wrote it, i wanted to keep the characterization even though it's kinda ooc... but i hope you enjoy anyway! have a great day and remember: re:fuse! :D

Windfall

Chapter 1: The Beginning of the End

my name is Winifred Walter, but Winifred is a kind of old sounding name and I'm a teenager so my friends call me Wind instead. I live in Genius Grove because my older brother Wally (we call him double-double-u) is a genius and won a ton of scholarships for college so we had to move there away from all my friends in Sector V. I work night shifts at Burger Frenzy, and one day everything was going as boring as normal, some kid was screaming that he didn't get the toy he wanted in his Frantic Meal and the automatic cheese dispensing device was on the fritz again. but then something happened...

"here's your meal, ma'am" I said handing a greasy slopbag of fast food to a woman too skinny to leave this place and keep her figure. I should know

"why thank you miss!" she said and walked out with no tip.

"sigh," I sighed, annoyed. then something happened...

a huge green meteor came crashing down from the sky! right on the woman who just left!

"holy karma batman!" I exclaimed and everyone ran outside.

the meteor was glowing a sickly bright green color, pulsing and throbbing like a heart or weenie. one of my coworkers went to inspect it, and suddenly a tech wing just flew out of it man and killed him! which was okay I mean he was kind of creepy anyway and took pictures under the stall dividers but he didn't deserve to doi. then suddenly more tech wings started flying out of the meteor and killing everyone! I ran back into the restaurant and into the kitchen where my boyfriend, Curtis, was flipping burgers.

"hello honey" said Curtis working his burger magic. "do you have another order for me?" he raised his eyebrows deductively. "or do you have a special request?"

I blushed. Curtis and I would make love in the kitchen during break time. "stop it, Curtis! green meteors are falling from the sky and people are dying!"

"dying?!" Curtis asked, scared. we went to look out the window. more meteors and tech wings and tech drones and tech ants were going everywhere kiling everyone! our manager, White Knight, stormed into the kitchen in his exosuit.

"what in Van Kleiss' focking arsehole is going on in here?" he shouted. "I hear banging around! you two are going at it again, aren't you?!"  
"no!" I cried. "it's the end of the world Mr Knight!"

"I'll see about that" he said and looked outside. he gasped. "great scott, it's worse than I thought!" he said and turned on his foot rockets. "I'm taking the rest of the night off! lock up when you leave!" he said and blasted away.

one of the other employees, Mac, ran into the kitchen with a terrified look on his face. "we've gotta get to the shelter! Dexter will meet us there"

"Dexter?" I asked.

* * *

in the shelter, people were scared and shedding pathogens like you wouldn't believe. Curtis and I held hands through the crowd as Mac led us to the front to speak with... gulp... Dexter, who was standing on stage, his lab coat all tight and form fitting.

see, Dexter was my ex boyfriend. we were very happy together, and I was waiting for him to propose, but then suddenly one day I crossed the line and slapped his butt at an important convention. he left me and shut himself inside his burger stand, closed off from the rest of the world. I was so heartbroken and ashamed I failed in school and had to get a job at a laboratory instead. and so life went on, and I met Curtis, and Dexter sort of... stayed invisible to the whole world. until now.

"people, please, settle down!" he said and people quieted down because he was cute. "ahem. now, I know everyone's scared, but I have some important things to go over. these meteors are called terrafusers, sent from this green moon that's been encroaching on our planet for a few months now. befre tonight, we could only see it by telescope, but one can now see it with the naked eye."

I was about to ask a question but Curtis laughed at the naked part and set his hand on my heiney but I jumped and blushed because it reminded me of when I smacked Dexter's hoyney. I couldn't speak.

"how to we fight them?" Mac from Foster's asked.

"it will be extremely difficult," said Dexter "but I think if we band together and fight, we can do it!"

"what will we use?" Curtis asked.

"unfortunately, I do not have enough wepons on hand to fight them" sadly said Dexter. "but I know where we can go in the meantime..."

Mandark grew and evil grin.

"... Providence hq!"

Mandark threw a temper tantrum and Dexter walked down the stage to deafening applause. on the way down, he started gathering people together to form a team. I tried to veer away from them.

"whatcha doing?" Curtis asked. "you should sign up."

"like hell I will" I said and crossed my arms. "I'm not going over there."

"well okay suit yourself"

we started on our way out. the night was warm and fireflies were dancing near the building in the shadows. Curtis held my hand.

"I hope that didn't bother you too much" he said.

"no, I'm fine." I lied. I bit my lip.

"haha okay, let's go" said a voice from the door. we turned around. it was Dexter! his jaw dropped in shock! "... Wind?"

"Dex?!" I said, embarrassed. my face went red.

"oh, hi, Dexter! I'm Curtis, it's nice to meet you!" said Curtis and he shook Dexter's hand but Dexter kept staring at me.

"it's.. been a long time, Dex." I said.

"... yes, it... has" Dexter said, still surprised.

"so, uh, what's your plan, Dexter?" Curtis asked.

"we're headed to Providence right now to speak with Agent Siux" said Dexter.

"great! we'll come too!" Curtis volunteered.

"what?!" I asked.

"uh... sure, if you want?" Dexter said, and blushed. well, this was awkward.


	2. All Roads Lead to Providence HQ

Chapter 2: All Roads Lead to Providence Hq

Agent Six greeted us as the Dexlabs helicopter landed on the launch pad at Providence. his black sunglasses reflected the bright full moon off them and I wondered how he could even see. at his side were a boy about my age and a monkey in a fez.

"greetings Agent Six" said Dexter and shook his hand.

"Dexter." said Agent Six, nodding.

"I'm certain you've been watching the radars?"

"yes, I've seen the terrafusers. none have landed around here yet."

"I need to ask you a favor."

"what?" Agent Six asked raising his eyebrow.

"I need weapons to fight these aliens."

"you know I don't have clearance for that, Dexter," Agent Six said and crossed his arms.

"well, how else are we going to defend ourselves?!" I snapped.

the boy standing next to Agent Sic widened his eyes then whispered something to the agent.

"yes, I suppose so," the man said. "come in. I'll get White Knight on the phone and he can grant you permission, or not."

"White Knight?" I asked. "my manager at Burger Frenzy? is your boss?"

"yes, Burger Frenzy is his moonlighting gig" Agent Six said and I could tell he was rolling his eyes.

"wow."

"yes. follow me." ordered Agent Six and we followed him into a room full of screens and people working at them. we stopped at the big screen at the end and Agent Six ordered the tech to patch us in to White Knight's office. a prompt came up on the screen, saying "DO NOT DISTURB. CONTINUE? Y/N" and Agent Six said y so the guy patched us in. the big screen filled with static, then black. then it came back on with a feed of White Knight in his office, naked, swimming in money!

"OMG!" I cried and covered my eyes.

"SIX!" White Knight screamed "YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO FOCKING CALL ME WHEN I PUT THE FOCKING DO NOT DISTURB HANGER ON THE CAMERA!"

"oops sorry I didn't see it" Agent Six lied. "guess you forgot to put it on"

"UGH THAT IS A LIE AND I KNOW YOU KNOW IT!"

"no it is not"

"STOP LYING OR I WILL CUT YOUR SALARY!"

Agent Six suddenly started sweating, but his expression never changed. thankfully White Knight contunied, "WHAT DO YOU WANT SIX?!"

"Dexter is here sir" said Agent Six. "he wants to borrow some of our weapons to fight back against the aliens mm-hmm."

"WELL WHY DOESN'T THE GENIUS JUST BUILD MORE WEAPONS HIMSELF _MM-HMM?_ "

Dexter suddenly lost his cool and slammed his fist down on the console, he is a petite thing though and it didn't do much damage, his fist just squeaked it was ptifiul. "MR. KNIGHT, THE WORLD IS GOING TO DIE AND BE ABOSRBED AND DIGESTED BY LORD FUSE IF WE (I) DO NOT GET THE WEAPONS I REQUIRE!"

"DON'T YOU BACKSASS ME YOUNG MAN!" White Knight screamed he was getting really angry now! I hadn't seen him this angry since the time he caught Curtis and me making love in the freezer! "I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, I'M FOCKING WHITE KNIGHT, I CAN SHUT DOWN YOUR ICE CREAM PARLOR YOU CALL A LAB AND KICK YOU OUT ON THE STREET _DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!_ "

Dexter swallowed and looked scared! I'd never seen him this scared... not since... the butt slapping incident. I could tell he also knew the last time he was this scared was the incident, because he looked really sad and looked away and almost started crying. I clenched my fists. I couldn't let my manager at focking Burger Frnzy speak to my ex boygriend like that.

"HEY! WHITE KNIGHT!" I shouted into the intercom.

"WHAT wait a minute WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE WALTER?!" he shouted

"I am helping Dexter with his army," I said and glared at my pasty employer. "he is my friend, I will not allow you barking at him like that!"

"DO I LOOK LIKE DOG TO YOU?!"

"yes." I said. "you look like quite a bastard."

White Knight's eyes bugged out and he got all up in the camera like he was about to eat it or something. "DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME IN THAT WAY MS WALTER, I CONTROL YOUR FATE AT BURGER FRENZY!"

"you may have me on contract, but I'm still the one serving customers." I growled. "what kind of scandal do you think you would have on your hands... if the whole country learned about me and Curtis making whoopie in the kitchen and freezer?"

suddenly White Knight stopped moritfied, Agent Six and Dexter just stared at me in horror. "you.. you wouldn't... Ms. Walter, please, let's talk this out, okay? no need to do anything drastic..." begged White Knight worried for his finacniel future.

but I was already at a microphone that would send out PSA's across the _entire country._ "hello world, this is Wind Walter speaking. I work at Burger Frenzy in Genius Grove and I just want to say, did you find an oddly weaner-shaped print on your burger bun the last time you ate with us? well. let me tell you why that was." I breathed on the mic to exacerbate my point. " _it's because my boyfriend was shoving his weaner into my burger bun before you got it._ "

suddenly, screams started ringing out across the country. it was deafening. Dexter watched in stunned horror as a map of the united states started blinking red from the amount of panic spreading from coast to coast. " _great scott,_ " he said.

White Knight started looking around scared as his life began crumbling around him. the higher ups at providence weer displeased with his poor management and decided to terminate him. poison gas started filling his office and he started to panic.

"no... no! it's not true! she's lying!" White Knight cried but soon began coughing in the gas.

Agent Six never took his eyes off the screen. the boy and monkey from earlier stared in shock. Dexter turned away, he didn't want to remember this. the least I could do for my boss was watch as he cuccumbed to the fumes and gave me one last parting message.

"DARN IT WALTER, I HOPE THAT WHEN YOU FOCKING DIE IT'S TEN TIMES MORE FOCKING PAINFUL THAN THIS FOCKING IS AND WHEN YOU FOCKING DIE IT'S IN THE MOST FOCKING PAINFUL FOCKING METEOR SHOWER KNOWN TO MAN IF NOT IN THE FOCKING DUMPSTER BEHIND MY FOCKING BURGER FRENXY AND YOU GO TO FOCKING ABYSUS IN VAN FOCKING KLEISS'S FOCKING ARSEWHOLE FOR YOU TO SUFFER IN THE FOCKING SMARMY HEAT OF THAT FOCKING SMARMY PLACE AND THEN YOU'LL FOCKING SEE WHAT A FOCKING USELESS EMPLYOEE YOU REALLY FOCKING ARE!" he shouted, but he died before he could finish, right as he said "TEN TIMES".

"yeah yeah, tell it to the grim reaper, boss." I said to his cold and still body.

"I... _I need a moment_ " said Dexter he ran to the bathrooms to throw up.

"oh no, was it too much for him?" I thought. thne I realized he was a fockin (oops sorry I was getting into the habit of swearing from the late White Knight) guide he couldn't just fall to pieces like that. still I still felt feelings for him... he had been my boyfriend once after all. narly fiance. I got up to gee see how he was doing.

"where are you going honey?" asked Curtis.

"uh, um, Im just going to the bathroom" I said, it was no lie after all

"oh? you wanna... _mix things up in there? hmm?_ " he asked raising his blond brow that was filled with french fry dust now that I saw it...

"um, no, not this time Curtis, sorry" I said and kissed his nose "maybe next time"

"I;m ready _all the time_ sugar" he said and slapped my ass and waved goodbye.

I giggled yeah and hurried to the bathroom, the others probably thought I had diarrhea, but sometimes people are just going to think things that are untrue about you. (i had this happen once i'd gotten fast food at a fast food restayrant i won't give the name out of courtesy but i bit into it and immediately knew it was spoiled, i turned to my friend and asked where's the bathroom?! she said over there she pointed we were outside i said okay let me just wrap up my burger and she said no you should go now. i got confused and a little hurt i thought she was saying she wanted me to go away. so i went to the bathroom to make her happy. later on i asked what she meant and she expalined she thought i had dairrhea? i said no the food was spoiled! i had to spit it out so i _wouldnt_ get diarhrea! she understood and apologized she didn't mean to tell me to go way or anything. she reads my stories so hi you know who you are check it out our story is in this now! c:)

I got to the bathrooms there was a guard outside, but when he looked away I dashed into the boys' room, at least that's where I hoped Dexter would be otherwide I'd tricked the guard for nothing! I walked in, the lights were dim. at least the bathroom seemed clean though.

of the five stalls only one was closed, there were sounds of puking coming from behind the door. listening carefully I could also tell the puker was a short scientist. (I am just very good at figuring these things out, if it sounds too good to be true.). I knockd on the door. "hello, Dexter? are you... in there? are you... alright?"

"..." said Dexter. he must've been preoccupied.

"I'll just, um... go now." I said and turned to leave then-


	3. Heart to Heart

Chapter 3: Heart to Heart

"wait." said Decter from behind the door. he wiped pulled up his pants all that jazz and left to wash his hands. once he had done so he turned to me with a guarded expression. "what do you want, Wind?"

"I..." I began. he sighed and put his hands on his hips. "if you want to talk about the fusion iunvasion, I'm all ears. nothing else."

I cleared my throat. "actually, I, wanted to ask if you were alright."

his eyes widened "oh?"

"yeah, you looked really sick there, what's wrong? aren't you used to people dying you work in a loboratory for crying out loud I mean..."

"hey, I run a rspectable laboratory!" Dexter defendeded. "I've never had a single death under my watch! which is why... it's so difficult."

"what is?"

"I... I can't handle seeing people die, Wind." he said. suddenly a tear rolled down his cheek. "how am I supposed to be a guide in this war if I can't handle death properly?!"

"it's okay, Dexter." I said. "that means you're normal. normal people aren't supposed to take death so well." a tear roled down my cheek. "I just watched my boss die a terrible death from choking on gas, all I could do was stand there and smile. then I scoffed over his dead body. I... I am a monster."

"you're not a monster, Wind," Dexter said, brushing some of my white hair out of me face "you're... amazing..."

"so are you" I said, looking into his blue tinted bespectacled eyes.

we started kissingf in the bathroom sink I had to pick him up to get in there, it was easy to do so at least because he is two ffeet shorter than me even though he's older cruel world. so we made out in the sink everything was just the way it used to be. then suddenly he pulled away and said, "no, we can't do this," and jumped out of the sink and left the bathroom. I thus realized he hadn't even washed his hands after using the toilet which was very unlike him and I'd also just made out with someone with dirty hands which was a shock of its own, but the wosrt was feeling the same way as I had when he broke up with me in the first place. what was wrong? was I not a good kisser anymore? was the sink not comfortbale enough? or... may be...

"OMG! Curtis!" I realized, then realized Dexter probably thought I was a two-timing harlot for kissing him while I was still involved with Cortus! how would I be able to explain myself?! even I was ashamed at myself

when I got out of the bathroom and returned to the others the boy I met earlier was entertaining everyone with a saxophone. he was acxrually really good I sat with the others to watch but I sat on the opposite end from Decter, next to Curtis, who grabbed my rear as soon as I dat down and kept molding it in his hand the entire time with this dastardly grin on his face. I smiled back, but then I realized something... Dexter had never manhandled my body like this. and though I enjoyed Curtis' continuous grappling of my ass in the beginning... after being in Dexter's arms again... I couldn't help but feel it wasn;t right for me anyomore. if it ever was.

"hey, um, Curtis, could you remove your beefhand from my butt, please?" I asked.

"huh? oh, um... sure..." he said and removed it from my hoyney.

after the saxophone solo I remembered "HEY WE ARE HERE FOR WEAPONS BOYS LET'S JUST GET THEM AND GET OUT OF HERE OK?!" I was still kind of on edge from everything that happened in the bathroom so that was why I flipped out like that, but Dexter agreed we spoke with Agent Six he agreed to, let us have some weapons from the providence vault. it was in the middle of the petting zoo where they put all the animal EVOS and it was down here that I was finally properly introduced to the boy and chimp we met earlier, they were Rex and Bobo respectively. we got our weapons and headed back to tech square to get started...

on the way there something shot the helicopter out of the SKY! we crashed and burned literally, the helicopter exploded. thankfully the explosion propelled us all out of the helicopter and everyone was okey. but then I realized that wasn't the truth! someone... was pinned under the wreckage...


	4. Fusion Fight

Chapter 4: Fusion Fight

"MY LEG!" cried Curtis, like the fish from Spongebob, but this wasn't the Nickelodeon universe. this was Cartoon Network... and in Cartoon Network, death was all around you. Curtis had a very real chance of dying in this place. we saw it was a nearby group of gravel gollums that had shot us out of the sky, they were now attacking everyone.

"CIRTUS?!" I asked, scared, I ran to his pinned body. "oh no you're really stuck!"

"ouch it hurts..." said Curtis and he passed out from the pain, probably for the best. he shouldn't have had to suffer like this.

"GUYS I NEED SOME HELP CURTIS IS HURT!" I screamed to the others.

"whats wrong?" asked Rex.

"he's pinned under the rubbke," I cried. "his leg is injured!"

"oh, no. Dex! we need some help over here!" Rex called over his shoulder.

Dexter was batting away gravel gollums with his oversized wrench or screwdriver whatever it is, but he stopped to shoot Rex an angry look "what, just because I wear a lab coat you think I'm capable of administering medical assistance?!"

Rex's face fell "oh sorry."

"GEE, HOW SMART YOU ARE, BUT I GUESS I SHOULD EXPECT THAT FROM SOMEONE RAISED IN A UNIFORM-WEARING FARMHOUSE SUCH AS PROVIDENCE"

"hey, man, no need to be so cruel"

"PERHAPS I SHOULD GO THE EXTRA MILE AND SAY ALL TEENAGERS ARE EXSACTLY THE SAME? SO YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO AS GOOD AS A JOB AS I WITH CURTIS OVER THERE!"

"gee he's really mean" Rex said he looked like he was about to cry.

"he just has a lot on his mind." I said and thought about our converstion in the bathroom at Providence. and then our subsequent snogging. it hurt so mcuh to remember but not as much as Curtis was hurting right now.

"UGHHHH OHHHH THE PAIN!" he cried.

"dont worry Curtis we'll get you out of there!" I said and turned to Rex "think you can lift the helicopter off of him?!"

"you bet I can, sweet cheeks," said Rex, and he stood and suddenly his fists turned into giant robot ones!

"WHAT IN THE WORLD?!" I shriekd scurrying back I was scared man. Id never seen anything like this before. "WH-WHAT ARE YOU?!"

"I'm an EVO, bitch!" he said but it was jokingly so I didn't get offended. he tried to lift the helicoptur off Curtis but suddenly his fists fell to pieces and one of the pieces hit Curtis in the head!

"OUCH!" cried Curtis.

"huh? what in the world?" Rex asked looking at his newly humanized hands. he clenched his fists again like he was about to pass gas and the robot hands reformed but fell apart two seconds later!

the fifth time this happened Agent Six ran over and sliced the helicopter into itty bitty pieces for us. "gee, thanks, Six" said Rex.

"shut up and stop wasting time, buffoon," snapped Agent Six.

Rex blushed and opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. nothing would've pierced the thick skull that was Agent Six. I pulled Curtis out of the wreckage and took in the sight to behold. both his legs wre bent backwards and bone was sticking out all over the place it looked horrible and disgusting, his pelvos was also sticking out of one of his butt cheeks he had two ribs sticking out of his chest too, and his weaner bone was missing, likely buried somewhere in the rubble. then we found it, it was sticking sideways through his weaner piercing it. Rex gagged at the sight.

"my... my leg..." Curtis cried

"you've got more to worry about than your leg, son," said Agent Six. "we've gotta get this kid to a hospital STAT!"

Dexter fought off one more gravel gollum before ordering the other soldiers to fall back we hopped back in the helicopter and airlifted Curtis to the nearest hospital, which was in Offworld Plaza. outside stood Ben Tennyson and Vilgax, they were chatting about something. since the war started and Vilgax was now trapped here like a cow for the slaughter, he decided to make the most of it and became friend with Ben Tennyson. Ben still hated him though but eventually became friends too.

"oh, hello there Wind, why are you here on this fine morning?" asked Ben.

"Ben!" Dexter cried like in the commercials where he was suddenly panicked because Ben was in danger but in game _he never was,_ "WE'VE GOT A SOLDIER ABOUT TO BLLED OUT WE NEED A HOSPITAL BED IMMEDIATELY!"

Ben then saw Curtis who was being supported by Rex, all the blood that was gushing out of him, all over the sidewalk, all over Rex's clothes, the bones that were sticking out of Curtis. Ben was so overcome with shock and horror that he crapped himself right there in the middle of the yard. it was horrible. it went everywhere, across the asphalst, filling the fountain, all over the nearby shopkeepers, it just went everywhere man. I was worried it was going to splatter all over us and Dexter was REALLY worried about that happening but thankfully it didn't reach that far. shocked, Ben looked down at himself and saw he was covered in poo, he gasped and screamed and jumped in the fountain blushing like a tomatop.

"hurry, bring him inside," said Vilgax to Rex, and we brought Curtis inside the hospital careful to step over the many brown puddles that were now scattered across the surrounding area, thank you Ben.

we got Curtis into a bed he was writhing and screaming in pain which was only making his fractures worse, so Vilgax administered a tranquilizer and knocked Curtis out finally some peace. Vilgax examined the bones that were sticking out all across Curtis' body.

"he's in really bad shape," he said, "but I think my alien training should be able to fix him."

"oh thank goodness" I said and began crying uncontrobbably. Dexter saw me crying and blushed.

Ben reutnred soon after. he was entirely clean now. he helped Vilgax tend to Curtis' wounds while the rest of us stayed in the waiting room. it was cold and smelled like olives, but sometimes you just have to deal with such things.

"hey," Rex said walking up to me, "are you okay?"

"depends," I said, "are you asking about Curtis, or about the massive excrement explosion we were forced to bear witness to outside?"

"oh, heh heh, I meant Curtis," said Rex, "but yeah that other thing was really gross and upsetting."

Rex sat down and we started talking, turns out he's a fan of Ponypuff Princesses too. while we were talking we both noticed Dexter looked reallyuncomfortable about osmething, Rex said, "hey, is he okay?"

"yeah he just has a fear of death that's all"

"maybe you should go talk to him," Rex said, "he's looking at you a lot."

"oh um," I said, afraid to talk to him after what happened in the bathroom, "a-alright."

I got up and walked over to the "genius", and he snapped his head up from the gtround to look at me "what do you want Wind- ouch"

"be careful, don't move your head so fast!" I said and checked his neck it was okay though. but the others were staring at us strangely so I said "um can we go outside?"

"uh, yeah," Dex said and we went outside. he pulled a small box from his pocket and took out a long cylinder from it, then took out a small square thing from his other pocket and opened it and set the cylinder on fire, then started breathing through it. I couldn't believe my eyes...

"OMG DEXTER!" I shrieked! "WHEN DID YOU START SMOKING?!"

"hey, I can smoke if I want, it is a free country!" he said and took another puff "well, at least, I'm _TRYING_ to _KEEP_ it _THAT WAY..._ "

"DON'T SMOKE THOSE YOU WILL DIE!" I shouted and slapped it out of his mouth, "BESIDES WE ARE OUTSIDE A HOSPITAL WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU BE SMOKING OUT HERE?!"

"WELL WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING KISSING ME IN THE BATHROOM?!" he asked. "WE ARE BROKEN UP YOU HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND I HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND WHY DID YOU START THAT?!"

"YOU DID NOT EVEN PROTEST!" I shouted, "I HAD TO PICK YOU UP OFF YOUR FEET TO BE ABLE TO SNOG IN THE SINK YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING IF YOU HAD I WOULD'VE STOPPED!" then I gasped. "WAIT... you have a new girlfriend?"

"well, duh, Wind!" he snapped. "you started dating Curtis am I not allowed to move on too?!"

"I..." I bit my lip and looked away, he had a point it was okay, in fact I was happy for him. but did he have to yell at me about it. "well, I hope you two are very happy together."

"we are thank you."

"but I DID NOT KNOW YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND OTHERWISE I WOULD NOT HAVE SNOGGED YOU!" I snapped

"WELL YOU CERTIANLY KNEW YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND SO WHY WERE YOU SNOGGING ME IN THE FORST PLACE?!"

"I... I... UGH" I said and realized he had a very good point. I was in love with Curtis... right? but then if I was then why had I kissed Dexter? "well... Dexter, I... things aren't as good with Curtis as I thought they were."

he looked worried "they're not?"

"no" I said and sniffled. "he is constantly grabbing my ass which I liked at first but now that I've been around you again I realize it's not what I want."

"you should tell him you don't want him to grab your ass then," Dexter said he was looking really worried now...

"I did and he stopped but that's not the worst part..."

"it's not?!" asked Dexter

"no no it's nothing liek that! it's just..." I sighed and started crying and was about to tell him how I felt after the kiss in the bathroom, but then... SOMETHING HAPPENED...

Dexter's cigarette landed dangerously close to one of the puddles Ben left and it burst into flames while we were talking, because there was a lot of methane and methane is really super flammable. then the fire spread and became a raging inferno and before I could tell Dexter how I felt after the kiss in the bathroom... SOMETHING HAPPENED...

Dexter's cigarette landed dangerously close to one of the puddles Ben left and it burst into flames while we were talking, because there was a lot of methane and methane is really super flammable. then the fire spread and became a raging inferno and before I could tell Dexter how I felt after the kiss in the bathroom the puddles EXPLODED, sending us crashing into the hospital, the entire front of the hospital exploded as well, leaving a mess of wreckage...

"D... Dexter?" I sid weakly, I'd been hit in the head with a cinderblock and everything was going dark. the last thing I could see before everything went black was his purple glove nearby...


	5. Hands of War and Sorrow

slowly, I opened my eyes in a hospital bed. it was dark and I could hear someone crying by my bedside. two candles were lit on the little tray for food and water next to my bed.

"...am I dead?" I asked.

the figure next to me bed shot up. "Wind! you're alive!" he said, from the sound of his voice it was Rex.

"oh, hi Rex," I said, looking around. "why is it so dark? what happened?"

"the power cut out in the explosion," he explained. "so we've had to use candle light instead."

"oh." I said then jumped! "no! not fire! not again!"

"its okay Wind, nothing's going to explode now," he said, stroking my hand. "you're safe."

"oh... okay... wait, where's-!"

Rex looked sad. "Wind... how do I expalin this... Dexter, he's..."

my hand that he wasn't holding flew to my mouth. "no! no, no! he can't be!"

"no, Wind, don't worry, he's alive," Rex said giving a small smile "but... well, maybe it's best if you see for yourself."

he helped me up. I was waring a hospital gown that wasn't tied in the back so he looked away while I tied it so he wouldn't see my rear end. thinking about said rear end reminded me of someone. "hey, Rex, is there any word on how Curtis is doing?"

"unfortunately, Vilgax was mid-operation when the explosion happened," Rex explained. "Curtis was knocked into the far wall, and his bones broke even more. Vilgax rescheduled the surgery for tomorrow."

"oh, phew," I said, wiping the sweat from my brow. "I was worried there" but I realized in horror... I was more worried about Decter than I was about Curtis.

thankfully soon we were out of my room and headed for Decter's. when we reached it Rex stood by the curtain and said, "now Wind, he's dealing with a lot right now... just try to be as supportive as possible, okay?:

"yes, of course," I said, and wondered why I wouldn't be supportive... had he...

GASP...

... lost his weenie in the explosion?

Rex knocked on the curtain. "hey, Dex, it's Wind and Rex, can we come in"

"... affirmative."

Rex slowly pulled the curtain away. Dexter was laying in bed in a hospital gown but thankfully he was layng on his butt so neither of us saw it. we walked in

"hello Dexter how are you doing?" I asked trying to act like I didn't know him because Rex was there.

"I am fine" he asid.

"Rex said... something happened..."

"... yes." he said and slowly moved the blanket out of the way. I gasped and was about to turn Rex around so he wouldn't see the missing weenie I was sure to be confronted with. but I was shocked when he didn't move the blanket past his pelivs.

instead, he revealed a bloodied stump on his left arm.

"OMG DEXTER YOUR HAND!" I shouted, looking at it, the bandage needed to be changed again because it was dripping onto the floor and must've been painful.

"yes, I lost it in the explosion," he said solemnly and covered it back up seeing my reaction.

"W-W-WELL WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?! HOW CAN YOU BE A SC-SC-SCIENTIST IF YOU DON'T HAVE BOTH HANDS?!"

"DO YOU THINK I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT!?" he yelled back at me.

Decter then started hyperventilating from the shock and losing his hand and was spiraling down into a panic attack. thankfully another soldier came by with a support dog (I could tell it was a support dog because he had a barrel hanging from his colar) that sometimes walks around hospitals (but i wonder why? i mean i love dogs they're great and are full of unconditional love but i think of a hospital as a sterile environment so seing an animal just walking around just sort of contradicts that whole idea) and brought the dog inside and he calmed down. the dog was very friendly and wagged his tail as Dexter patted his head.

"I will build myself a new robotic hand," said Dexter playing with the dog who had jumped up on the bed and was licking his face. he laughed the dog was very firendly.

"are you sure?" Rex asked. "how will you build a new hand when you only have one right now?"

"Computress will help me, she is my robotic assistant"

the dog sat down on Dexter's chest and he petted him some more. the soldier who brought him in said they had to go now there were other patients who needed cheering up and shot a glare at Dexter for taking up so much of their time. but the dog accidentally knocked over Dexter's iv with his tail and it fell over and saline went everywhere spraying out his arm and we had to leave so Vilgax could tend to him.

"Dexter's gonna die isn't he" I cried to Rex outside the room.

"it's okay Wind, it's just a missing hand. it happens all the time in my line of work haha" he said.

Rex patted me on the shoulder and took me to the food court. several peolpe were there, including Ben and his cousin Gwen, and Professor Utonium he worked here I heard, and Courage the Cowardly Dog who was another dog welcome in the hospital by the looks of it, and Coop from the junkyard because he had cut himself on a piece of rusty metal in the junkyard. Vilgax was also here eating a meatball hero which I thought was pretty funny.

"oh, hello children of Earth, care to join me for lunch?" Vilgax asked.

"don't mind if we do, would you like to Wind?" rex asked.

"um sure" I said I wasn't too thrilled with the idea of eating with a squid monster alien but such is life I guess

Rex and I got some food, I got a fruit salad and a ham club and he got... oh my Lord... takoyaki. an octopus dish. and he sat down and ate it right next to Vilgax.

Vilgax rolled his red eys to lok at Rex, then looked at me with an exprssion of is he serious right now? I elbowed Rex, "uh, Rex, maybe you should get something else to eat?"

"no way! octopus is delicious!" he said and took an exaggerated chomp.

Vilgax started growling and I said, "uh, hehe, seriously, Rex, um... maybe you'd like a sandwich instead?"

"only if it's got this in it!" he said and bit off a sucker.

panicking now I said, " _Rex, they announced a recall of octopus meat on the news today, it will give you diarreah for life if you eat it_ "

"that's not true!" he said and held up his bowl. "I eat octopus meat every day and I've never had diarrhea a day in my life! _I LOVE THIS STUFF!_ "

"THAT'S IT!" shouted Vilgax and before I knew it he had his laser gun out and he shot Rex and vaporized him before my very eyes!

"VILGAX!" I said, startled.

"HE WAS THREATENING ME!" Vilgax said, slamming his giant juicy fist on the table.

I got down on my knees and started gathering up the dust that was once Rex Salazar. "I'm going to get Rex to the nearest resurrect E'm, and when he comes back, I expect you to treat him with respect!"

Vilgax folded his arms and looked away. "I am a professional assassin, I do not need to respect the likes of _him!_ "

"oh yeah, well, he's good friends with Ben, they have the same father, and when he comes back he's going to tell Ben about what you did (if I dont tell him first) and then Ben's going to give you your just desserts!"

Vilgax gulped, then said, "please, Wind, Ben is finally my friend now - don't take im away from me!"

he started crying, and I got the sense... there was more to this than met the eye...


	6. Alien Amor

Chapter 6: Alien Amor

"... Vilgax?" I asked, slowly sitting back down at the table. "is there something... you want to tell me?"

the tentacled alien immediately blushed, then turned away. "it's... it's nothing, Ms. Walter... please, just go about your business..."

I lookd softly at Vilgax. "you can talk to me, you know. I won't tell no one."

"I have nothing to talk about!" he insisted, slamming his beefy octo-fist into the table, it got stuck for a moment due to the suckers but he got free. "it is none of your concern!"

I saw past the false bravado immediately. "Vilgax... I have been in love too, you know. I know it when I see it."

Vlgax looked around scaredly, then sighed, closing his eyes. "I... I have developed feelings for Ben Tennyson."

I immediately squealed in my seat, clapping my hands exxcitedly. "oh, Vilgax, that's wonderful! I'm so happy for you! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"alright alright, Ms. Walter!" he said, quieting me down but unable to wipe the smile slowly forming on his face "he is not aware of it yet, i have not told him, but I was planning to yesterday... then the fusions showed up and ruined everything!"

"I won't tell," I said running my thumb and forefinger across my mouth in a zipper-like fashion, "but I'm so thrilled for you that you have found love Vilgax! Im just sorry you couldn't tell him immediately..."

"yeah..." Vilgax said then snapped his tentacles! "wait a minute! maybe _you_ can help me, Ms. Walter!"

"m-m- _me?!_ " I asked "what could I possibly do?!"

"you need to help me find a way to get Ben alone for a romantic date so I can tell him of my true feelings!"

"oh... okay!" I said getting all excited and bouncing out of my seat and onfo my feet. "I would be honored Vilgax! hmm... where could I set you up..."

"it will have to be somewhere secluded" said Vilgax, "Ben is a guide you see and if he sees any fusion monsters nearby he will abandon the date to go fight them! he is so tenacious like that~" Vilgax said and sighed dreamily thinking of his crush. he looked so cute, I didn't think it was possible, him being a world-conquering evil alien like that, but to know he had fallen for Ben Tennyson was too adorable.

"hmm... well..." I said then jumped in joy! "how about Townsville Park? it's really pretty and on the far side of Downtown so hardly anyone goes there, really awful spot for a park to be honest... but it would be great for you!"

"oh that soiunds wonderful!" Vilgsax said then said, "but, are you sure it is secluded enough?"

"yeah, most poeple heading out that way stop at the town hall, so you'll be pretty alone! i don't tink the aliens have even made it out there yet..."

"then it is a date!" said Vilgax he got up to shake my hand, then went to go ask Ben out.

I sighed. "ah, to be in love..." then my heart ached, because I was torn between two loves, myself. my respectful and respected ex boyfriend, who now had a new girlfriend... and my touchy feely new boyfriend. though, i guess my fate had already been decided, as dexter had a new girlfriend now.

"oh, why did I even have to slap Dexter's ass in the first place?!" I asked, crying onto the table. I glared at my hand that had done the slapping. "you! if only _you_ were the hand lost in the explosion, and not Decter's!" I snapped, angry at my own appendage. if it hadn't slapped Dexter's ass all those months ago, we wouldn't be fighting this war.

Agent Six walked up to me and said, "hey kid, the doctors are speacking with Decter, would you like to sit in?"

"sniff, yeah," I said, getting up I followed him back to the hospital room. there there were three doctors: Hex, the magic doctor, Doctor JC the young medical doctor, and Him, the love doctor. all three were speaking with Decter who looked very scared.

"Dexter!" I said worried, "thy are only using oral thermometers right?!" I asked looking at Him's scary claws...

"WIND! UGH!" Dexter shouted and lobbed his saline bag at me, only he couldn't, because it was still connected to him

"Mr. Decter," said Doctor JC, "we regret to inform you that your hand has been severed from your body."

"I know, Doctor."

"unfortunately, this means that no matter what type of prosthetic you use, your hands will always be mismatched. you may lead your life this way, though we have another choice for you."

"... what choice is that?" Decter asked.

"we can amputate your other hand, so that you can use the exact same prosthetic for both and you will not have to suffer any psychological stress over having mismatching hands."

"... oh..." said Decter, "I never thought about that..."

I gapsed! how could Dexter agree to having both of his hands cut off?! "but... Dexter! you'll lose your only other hand, forever!"

... it is a sacrifice I will have to make," he said sadly, looking to the doctors. "okay. I want to do this."

I started weeping, but in the end, it was Dexter's choice to make. all I could do was be there and be strong for him... even if we were no longer together.


	7. Battle of Heroes Hollow

Chapter 7: Battle of Heroes Hollow

"c'mon guys! let's move!" cried Ben as he led the troop into battle.

I ran into the area and the name "Heroes Hollow" slid across my nanocom screen. "oh boy, we are in for a real shitshow here, aren't we" I asked.

"keep moving and deal with it, kid," snapped Agent Six as he ran in front of me and flipped in the air with his katanas.

" _showoff_ " I growled but did as I was told

there were a hundred soldiers running behind Ben who turned into Ghostfreak and flew through a jurassic centurion, it squealed in discomfort because do you know what it feels like to have a ghost fly through you?! it's disgusting! then it died, and splattered all over the ground.

"oh, great job Ben, now you just have to do that five hundred more times" snapped Marie Kanker.

" _shut up, you piece of trailer trash,_ " snapped Demongo, " _loafsome inbreeds like you have no right to exsit._ "

"DEMONGO!" I snapped, whacking him over the head with my dreihander "HOW DARE YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT, SHE DIDN'T _ASK_ TO BE INBRED YOU DEMONIC IDIOT!"

Demongo rubbed his head then shot up to shoot a glare at me, "YOU DARE INSULT THE LIKES OF DEMONGO?!"

"uh, guys," said Numbuh 4 in his Australian accent, "THE FUSIONS ARE COMING RIGHT FOR US!"

we alllooked to see hundreds upon hundreds of fusion montders approaching us! we knew we couldn't fight each other - not this time. our world was on the line. we had to fight for our world - for each other!

I lunged into battle and swapped my dreihander for my G/U.M.Z.O.O.K.A. and began firing down those disgusting fusion creeps. then Finn rode in on jake, the latter said, "there's too many of them man!"

"don't worry, we can still get to Fuse from here!" cried Finn. "walk over them buddy!"

"as you wish," said Jake, he streched his body out over the battlefreind, but... that only made him an easier target.

"JAKE! NOOOOOOOO!" i cried, but it was too late, for the fusion monsters fired fusion matter beneath him and burned his belly, he thus died.

"whao, whoa, whoa...!" cried Finn as he fell over on Jakes' corpse, then cried over the corpse of his best friend and only brother. "why... why did it have to be you..."

I ran to him and hugged him. "its okay Finn... he would be happy to know that you are alive and safe in the world."

"sniff... I guess you're right," said Finn and he got up and fought beside me.

"wait," said Numbuh 4, "how on Earth did he die exactly?! his belly was just burnt!"

"like this!" said Ed, he grabbed Numbuh 4 and we all knew what was going to happen. he lifted his short to expose his malnourished stomach, why else is he so short. "PINK BELLY!" Ed shouted happily.

"no, no wait Ed, don't-!" Numbuh 4 cried, but Ed slapped his belly and repeated his war cry, then slapped it again, rinse and repeat ad infinitum.

"ED! PLEASE!" Numbuh 4 cried for mercy.

the other soldiers tried to pry Ed offa Nunmbuh 4 but it wasn't working. I switched to my dreihander and brought it up over my head before Ed's hands and said "LET ME TAKE CARE OF THIS!"

"NO WAIT WIND DON'T!" cried Ben and I froze, and realized... i was wrapped up in thinking oF decter getting his good hand amputated, that I'd almost done the same thing to Ed.

"I... I'm so sorry..." I said and backed away. THEN SUDDENLY WITHOUT WARNING

"whoa! hey, easy there, big fella!" cried ben, backing away from an eyebulb!

"BEN!" I cried but was too far away to help, everyone was distracted with their own monstders! Ben was alone!

Ben reached for his omnitrix but the battery was empty! he had used XLR8 too much earlier while he went grocery shopping so he could finish early! the eyebulg growled and drooled toxic fusion matter onto Ben, it burned through his jacket and his shoes but other than that he was okay.

seeing no possible escape, Ben tried to distract the eyebulb by singing. "uh, there once was an eyebulb so handsome and smart, he let me go free, for he had to make fart." he sang, but the eyebulb froze for like a second while it processed what it had heard then grappled Ben and forced him on his stomach against a rock!

"BEN! NOOOOOOOO!" i cried, I turned away because a shellslug was about to hit me. but I killed it, and was able to turn around to watch the full horror of what was about to unfold before all of us.

the eyebulb took out a fried chicken leg and shoved it up Ben's ass (it pulled his jeans down first obviously). Ben screamed in terror and pain because the skin was so crispy. Marie screamed. Ed stopped slapping Numbh 4 who also screamed but also because of Ed's slapping but then it was only because Ben was being chicken-legged. I started crying hysterically, because there was nothing I could do to help; I was busy fighting off a horde of shellslugs and we all wouldve died had they not been defeated. I was forced to hear Ben's screams of agnoy as I sliced into them, heartbroken that one of my longtime friends was in trouble _but I couldnt save him._ I was doing just fine honest when suddenly... _a disturbing thought came to mind that made me freeze._

"wait... what? but..." I said, holding my head and swaying on my feet before falling to my knees. I looked up at the Rex nano that was flying by my head.

_Big Freakin' Sword..._

I remembered Rex's build, his hands... his... _hands..._

_... they were enormous. as were... his feet._

"no. NO..." I said, tears running down my face in a salty cascade. I grabbed my head, desperate for the thoughts to stop.

_I soon realized... they were all hints that Rex had a freakishly large tool._

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, assaulted by the realization and horrific images that were filling my mind, rendering me unable to move.

when the others had thinned the herd enough Numbuh 4 was able to shoot the eyebulb that was violating Ben's anus with the chicken leg and killed it in two hits. Ben collapsed to the ground, and Numbuh 4 squatted next to him.

Ben? Ben?! can you hear me?" he asked, concerned for his friend.

"oohhhhh..." Ben groaned in pain, Numbuh 4 saw there was still chickn skin stuck in his sphincter, he took care of it and helped Ben to his feet.

"can you walk?" the K.N.D. agent asked.

"ye... no" Ben said and his knees buckled from under him. Numbuh 4 helped steady him.

"I need a hand over here!" he creid.

Numbuh 2 ran over and helped Numbuh 4 get Ben to safety. the rest of us kept shooting the fusions but soon, FUSION DECTER HIMSELF showed up with a whole army of shellslugs and eyebulbs. Marie patted my shoulder to alert me to their presence.

"ATTACK!" Fusion Dexter ordered but he's a fusion so it sounded more like "ARRGHKKLCCCGGHGHHALAKKLKACGCHGCRRKRKRKK" instead.

"oh, _fock,_ " I said, _this wasn't good._ "retreat!"

we started running for our lives, many soldiers died, including the one who had been so mean to Dexter in the hospital. her dog cried over her bodye but I told him he had to keep running, but the fusions ABDUCTED HIM! he levitated into the air and was sucked into one of their ships!

"OH NO!" cried Numbuh 5, and she swore to save that dog someday...

we kept running we ran all the way to Mandark's carrier that was stationed in Dinosaur Pass. "MANDARK LET US ON!" cried Numbuh 4.

Mandark looked over the side of the carrier for a second before glaring and saying "no."

"LET US ON YOUR SHITSHIP OR I'LL LET ALL THE K.N.D.'S HAMSTERS LOOSE AROUND MANDARK INDUSTRIES!" Numbuh 4 threatened.

"whatever! I have rodent shock traps they will all just die anyway is that what you want!" scoffed Mandarl.

"UGH" I sighed, "WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS!" I thus switched out for my G.U.M.Z.O.O.K.A. and began shooting at the carrier! it rocked to the side thrreateningly

Mandark gasped and fell on his butt, then looked over the side of the carrier "hey! whatch what you're doing down there!"

"WELL I AM GOING TO KEEP FIRING UNTIL YOU LET US ON! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BOYS?!" I said. the other soldiers cheered, and began firing at the carrier as well. Ben was weak but he managed to give a small smile.

Mandark screamed in fear as his carrier was bombarded with lasers and bullets, and some guns were firing bubbles and radioactive goo and custard too, his carrier was becoming one giant mess. "WIND, WAIT! PLEASE! MY CARRIER CAN'T TAKE MUCH-"

then, suddenly, the bottom of the carrier exploded. it fell out of the sky and crashed on the ground, more soldiers were pinned under the wrek. they thus died.

Mandark was one of them. he pulled himself out from under the wreckage and collapsed in front of all of us, his pelvis was sticking hlafway out of his chest and his femurs were in his abdomen, he was in really bad shape "NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOUVE DONE! MY CARRIER IS _DESTROYED!_ "

then his femur punctured his heart, and he passed out. he was internally bleeding!

"oh no, Madnark?!" I said and bent down, he was dying, and fast. I cradled him in my arms. "we need to get him to an ambulance!"

"but what about _them?!_ " Double D cried, and he pointed to the horizon. the fusion monsters from earlier were approaching! Fusion Dedter was riding a jurassic centuroin over like he was freaking Napoleon Bonaparte or something!

"hmm... I KNOW! HURRY!" I said, and told the others of my plan. they agreed, and we got to work painting Mandark's carrier blue.

when the fousions showed up, they looked at the carrier. it was now entirely blue and green and had the Dexlabs logo on it. they thought we had all died in the crash when Dexter tried to save us.

"HAHAHA" said Fusion Decter, "THEY ARE DEAD. THEY HAVE BEEN DEFEATED. THIS MARKS ANOTHER VICTORY FOR THE GLORIOUS PLANET FUSION!" he said, but of course it sounded nothing like that, but I will leave what it _did_ sound like to your imagination.

after everything we called in to Dexter to tell him we needed medical assistance. he sent some ambulances our way and we were brought to the hospital at Offworld plaza for medical attention. Ben was wheeled in on a gurney on his stomach so his heiney was in the air, poor thing. Mandark had to be shipped in in a full-body cast so his injuries wouldn't get worse.

Dexter was waiting for us by the door in a wheelchair. he had just gotten out of surgery. there, resting on the armrests of his wheelchair, were his two bandaged stumps.

"... h-hi, Dexter," I said, walking over to him, trying not to stare. it was so painful. I felt so bad for him.

"greetings, Wind." he said. "they have successfully removed my other hand with no complications."

"I... I see..." I said and had to turn away, I couldn't keep from crying. "I'm sorry, Dextre, I... I have to go see how Ben's doing..." I said and ran into the hallways of the hospital. there was still rubble laying around but it was easy to keep clear.

I went into Ben's room. it was dark and humid. there was a candle up on the shelf rack behind his bed, where the gloves go. I could see in the candlelight that he was sleeping peacefully. Numbuh 4 was sitting by his bedside.

I sat down next to Numbuh 4. "is... is he going to be okay?"

"... dunno," he said. "physically, yeah, except his sphincter tore in a few places from the shicken skin. mentally... he will need a lot of therapy."

"I see..." I said, and bit my lip, crying. "he's such a nice guy... how could this happen to him..."

"Wind," Numbuh 4 said, turning to me, his own voice shaking, "like the kiwi bird of my home country, I will remain steadfast and determined to bring the evil that brought this upon Ben to justice."

I sniffled, and held his hand, smiling. "thank you, Wallabee. you're a good friend."

we sat together in the dark with Ben for hours, before eventually leaving him to rest in peace.


	8. Meeting Utonium

Chapter 8: Meeting Utonium

I sped down the road on my hoverbike, then got off just as I reached Dexter's old mailbox. he'd sent me over to his old house to fetch something from his old lab.

I was puzzled though when I saw a middle-aged man standing on the doorstep, waiting to be let in. I walked up to him. he had black hair and was wearing a lab coat, so he could've been related to Dexter, but I had met his entire family because we were nearly engaged remember but I couldn't remember meeting someone who looked like this.

"excuse me, sir?" I said walking yp to him. "my name is Wind Walter, I am friend of Decter, this is his old house, can I help you?"

"oh, hello there!" he said and put his hand out and we shook hands. "my name is Professor Utonium, I live around these parts, in Pokey Oaks North to be exact."

"oh, that's cool. did you need to see Dexter Professor?"

"yes, but I heard he doesn't live here anymore," said the Professor. "he told me he was in the hospital, he has sister that lives here."

"Dee Dee, yes, she should be here, if not then she is at ballet practice. she's not very good but we encourage her as best we can."

"ah, ha ha, yes," the Professor laughed then put his hand out for me to shake. "my name is Professor Utonium, may I ask you a question?"

"of course sir, what do you need?" I asked.

the Professor immediately looked like he was going to burst into tears, he tapped his fingers and looked around, sweat pouring down his face. "have you seen a young girl around here, she's about yay tall, black hair, and she's wearing a green jacket and skirt, and a black shirt underneath? black converse shoes?"

"hm, no I'm afraid not sir," I said then snapped my fingers. "wait, my assistant manager at Burger Frenzy has black hair and wears green, is her name Linda?"

the Profdessor looked excited then deflated when he heard my asstant manager's name. "no, that's not her..."

"oh, I am sorry," I said. "could you tell me, who and why you are trying to find?"

"I am trying to find my daughter Buttercup, she is went gone many months ago" said the Professor and he blew his nose into a hankie. "she was last seen on Bravpo Beach, when she was knocked into the ocean. we are worried she might be dead, but we are trying to find her."

"oh, I am very sorry to hear that!" I said, brining my hands to my face. "if I see anything, I will be sure to let you know Professor."

"thank you." he said and smiled, and put his hand out for me to shake. "Professor Utonium. I live in the large white house in Pokey Oaks North, with the three color-coded windows on the front."

"it is a pleasure to meet you Professor Utonium," I said and shook his hand. "my name is Wind Walter."

"what a beautiful name, my daughters have very unique names as well," he said, then sighed and straightened himself. "well, I suppose I should get going. pleasure meeting you, Ms Walter. see you around."

"goodbye, Professor," I said, and waved goodbye to him. when he was out of earshot, I sighed and brought my hand to my forehead. man, that guy was having a really rough time of it.

"he introduced himself to me _three times,_ " I thought aloud, startled at his behavior. he must've really had a lot on his plate with his daughter missing and hadn't even realized he kept repeating himself.

I went into Decter's house and got his special notebook of formulas and blueprints, then got back on my jetbike and headed back to the hospital.


	9. Back at the Hospital

Chapter 8: Back at the Hospital

I walked in through the sliding doors to the hosptial, folder of important Dexlabs documents in hand. I walked into Decter's room (it was in the emergency wing if you remember correctly) but he was gone!

"o-oh no!" I cried, falling to my kneed, tears streaming down my face.

"whats wrong wind?!" asked a nurse, it turned out to be Ms. Keane, she was working here as an emergency nurse due to the war, she knelt down beside me and set her hand on my shoulder. what a nice lady.

"i-is... is Decter _dead?! he isn't here!_ " I cried, then cried some more down my face.

"oh, no!" Ms. Keane said and laughed. "he's just finfe - better than fine, actually! he was moved to the regular recovery wing just this morning."

"wait... really?!" I asked, then jumped for joy. "he's going to be okay!"

"I wouldn't go that far yet, Wind," Ms. Keane said, and looked at me seriously. "he just lost both his hands. hes' got a long recovery road ahead of him, but if hes surrounded by supportive friends such as yourself, I'm sure everything will be fine."

"thank you, Ms. Keane."

"you're welcome, dear," she said, and waved goodbye as I left for the recovery wing.

there I found Dexter behind curtain 3. he was sitting in a chair and eating macaroni and cheese. "ah, hello again, Wind. thank you for grabbing those documents, I really need them for the coming war"

"you're very welcome," I said, and set them down on his bed then sat on his bed and farted by accident, I'd been holding it in all day you see, and just really had to let it out... all the hspital machines were quite loud though and Dexter thankfully didn't hear my fart. then I felt even worse because I remembered he was in the middle of lunch. I felt disgusting and like a fake friend. Ms. Keane had been so sweet earlier, but I was not the great friend she thought I was...

"so, um, Dex," I said, trying to be supportive and nice to make up for my mistake, but gulit gnawed at me. "what's these documents for, anyway?"

"they're for a highly-powerful laserbeam generator I've been working on since Planet Fusion came," he said and smiled. "i think it will be able to destroy terrafusers if I do it correctly."

"oh that is cool." I said, distracted. I looked to his bandaged ha... stumps. one of the nurses had tied a fork to his right stump with some bangades so he could feed himself. I choked back a sob. how could Decter have done this to himself, the second hand being amputated off I mean? was it really the right choice to make? but then again Decter was the genius here... and it was his hand, not mine... so I had to keep my trap shut and just be THERE FOR HIM DARN IT.

"oh, and Decter, there was a guy standing around your house when I went over, he was kind of creepy..." I said.

he choked on his macaroni and cheese for a moment "what do you mean?"

"he said his name was Professor Utonium, he was looking for you but also looking for his daughter, Butterball I think her name was..."

" _Buttercup,_ " Decter corrected, then looked sad. "yes, I know the Professor quite well. I asked him to check in on my lab as well, make sure Dee Dee didn't fill it with whipped cream or something (it has happened before)."

"ah, I see," I nodded. "well, you see, he... kinda introduced himself to me _three times?_ "

"yes, his daughter's disappearance has taken an immense toll on his mental state. his daughter disappeared before the war, Mojo Jojo knocked her into the ocean durig a fight if I recall... it's really quite sad..."

"what else can you tell me about what happened?"

"remind me later, and I'll tell you the whole story," Decter said. "it's a very sad tale, so I recomend you be prepared." I nodded.

a nurse came in and took Decter's empty plate of macaroni and cheese, and untied the fork. but the left him with dessert, a cup of strawberry jello. he glared frustrated at the jello, because that brain-surgeon nurse removed the fork so now he couldn't eat it.

" _focking..._ " he cursed, then tried to comb his fingers through his hair, but he COULDN'T DO THAT EITHER and startd to get really upset.

"hey, hey, Dex, it's okay," I said, grabbing the supplied plastic spoon. "here, I'll feed you."

he looked at me as if _I_ were the insane one of the two of us, at least I didn't through a fit when all the bones in my hands were shattered after that monkey bars incident in third grade and my mom had to feed me buttered mashed potatoes in one of those pet bottels, it wasn't something I was proud of but at least I didn't starve Dexter you moron! "I am not going to have you feed me like I am a baby, or a lazy adult. I am neither, so I will not have you do so."

"dexter, please, you will starve otherwise" I said and held out a spoonfull of jello. "please, I won't tell anyone, I am doing this to help you. I will not judge you either."

"but... but... ugh" he said, then looked around the room to make sure there were no nurses hiding in his room, waiting for him to look away so they could give him his shots in his hiney and get the element of surprise. when he was satisfied we were alone, he leaned over and ate the jello off the spoon.

"how is it?" I asked.

"it's pretty good, I prefer lime though." he teased.

"well you should be grateful, jello doesn't grow on trees" I said and we laughed. then the song from Lady and the Tramp began playing on the radio, and we looked into each other's eyes. we weren't quite like the Lady and the Tramp, well, at least he wasn't a tramp and I wasn't really like the lady dog. I was more like the tramp because I was adopted as a child and my orphanage was like the pound, and he was like the lady because he was a well-bred sophisticate who came from a good background. yet we had fallen in love anyway. I had the sudden urge to either grab him in my arms and snog him, or take him behind Burger Frenzy for some spaghetti and _meatballs_ (if you know what I mean, haha) but the former took control and I leaned over, and he leaned over, and we were both leaning over the spoon of jello, the cherry scent lingering in the air, as we looked into each other's eyes.

"is it hot in here, or is it you?" asked Decter.

"no, it's definitely you" I said, and then we kissed.

suddenly, the curtain flew open, and in stepped Curtis! "hey, what's up, guys?" he asked.


	10. Snogtown

Chapter 9: Snogtown

"Curtis!" I said, snapping out of the kiss and blushing. "uh, wh-what are you doing here?!" Decter was a little slower but thankfully he had jello in his mouth hanging out of his mouth so he just acted like he was eating.

"I wanted to let you know Im all patched up!" sang Curtis and he spun himself around, his body was all healed with no trace of scars or anything. "I'm cured! the doctors just released me!"

"oh Curtis that is wonderful!" I said and hugged him, but it was awkward because Dexter was watching and what not. "so, um, how'd they do it?"

"they have this really neat machine, it heals skin and bones extremely quickly and well, it took like five minutes then I was back to normal!" said Curtis happily.

"they... what?" said Dexter slowly.

we turned to look at him. he was red and angry and if this were a cartoon, surely there would've been smoke coming out of his ears and stuff. "they... had... a tissue regenerator... _AND THEY DIDN'T USE IT ON_ _ME?!_ "

"oh, uh, Dexter, calm down, maybe they only got it in today?" I offered

"nope!" said the nurse from earlier who took Dexter's fork, she was coming in to cehck if he liked his jello. "we got that machine several years ago! it's top-notch, state-of-the-art, and we've healed many people with broken bones or torn flesh or missing hands and the like! it has saved a lot of lives."

"WELL WHAT ABOUT _MINE?!_ " shouted Decter getting really angry now. next thing we knew he sprung out of his seat "THAT'S IT! I'M GOING TO HANDLE THIS _MY_ WAY!"

"NO WAIT DECTER!" I cried after him, he sure was fast for not having hands at the moment. "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

"STRAIGHT TO THE MAN BEHIND THIS WHOLE THING!" replied Dexter as he marched down the hallway. his fists would've been clenched had... you know.

I swallowed. the man behind this whole thing? oh no... he couldn't mean...

I ran down the hallway and turned right, then continued past four doors and stopped in the fifth one on the left. "BEN!" I shrieked, "YOU GOTTA HIDE! DECTER'S OUT FOR BLOOD!"

"huh?" asked Ben. he was in one of those hiney buckets for people with hemorrhoids, soaking his rectum, it'd gotten a chicken leg shoved up it recently, you may recall from three chapters ago. well his huyney was still in pain. and he still had a long recovery period ahead of him. but we were going to help him and his hiner as much as we could. because we were friends.

"what are you talking about, Wind?" asked Ben.

"Decter said he was going to go after the one who caused him to lose his hand, which was you, because you had an _accident_ outside after seeing Curtis' injurius and I slapped Dexter outside and his cigarette lit everything on fire, which caused the explosion that cost his hand, now he's out for blood! you were the one who pooped Ben he's coming after you!"

"uh, Wind..." said Ben, "... when you put it that way... it sounds more like he's coming after _you._ "

I stopped and went wide eyed. " _... oh, fock._ "

then I could hear them... _tiny little footsteps of a diminutrive scientist. outside the door._ I got on my knees and prayed for mercy. Decter opened the door and hit me with it by accident because I was still on my knees, but he apologized and helped me up asked if I was okay, and everything was fine after that.

"uh, um, Decter," I said "I-I didn't mean to blow yor hand off like that... really, I love your hands... _really love your hands..._ and I could never mean to harm you in any way.

"Wind, I-" Decter began but I cupped his cheeks in my own intact hands.

"shh. don't say another word. I don't believe I've told you how much you mean to me. how much I love you. well. it's about time I took care of that." i said and I leaned in and snogged him right there.

Ben cried out in digust at the public display of affection but decter was too caught up in the snogging that he kissed me back and goon we were making out right there, I pinned him against the door and we kissed and he tried to goose my backside with his hand but... but I knew what he was trying to do and I reached down to my own arse.

"like _this?_ " I asked and squeezed my own arse.

" _uh huh_ " said Dexter mesmerized and getting very hot and bothered.

"uh, guys?" said Ben.

" _I always loved it when you did_ _this,_ _myself_ " I said and reached up and grasped my own breasts ad squeezed down. obviously I couldn't squeeze Decter's, maybe if he had a few more donuts in his diet though.

Decter gasped as he watched me with my own breasts in a vice grip and his cheeks blushed, I said " _and I think I remember you_ _really liking_ _when i did_ _this,_ " I said and reached down and grasped his sausage in my hand.

Dexter gasped in surprise and arousal and his face reddened even more. " _oh... oh, Wind..._ "

"guys?" said Ben

" _it's been too long..._ " I said. " _tell me... what does it look like again?_ "

"it... would be a pleasure... to remind yu..." gasped Decter.

" _guys?_ "

" _give it to me, baby._ " I whispered.

" _coming right up, Windfall,_ " Dexter breathed then he started undoing his hospital gown and I began ripping my clothes off and throwing them at the floor like it was a naughty boy like Dexter.

" _ **GUYS!**_ " shouted Ben we whipped around we were reminded he was still in the same room

"holy smokes!" I said "oops sorry Ben we forgot you were right here!"

"here you go Wind," said Dexter, he was handing me my shirt and bra.

"oh, thank you, lover," I said and took them.

"yeah well I know love and lust and everything believe me I'm no stranger to either but in the future _**PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE ALONE IN THE ROOM BEFORE YOU START COPULATING LIKE A COUPLE OF DEER IN RUT!**_ " Ben shouted.

"sorry, Ben," said Dexter.

" _ **I MEAN GOOD GRIEF MAN THAT WAS WORSE THAN DEER WE'RE TALKING HOGS IN MATING SEASON OR SOMETHING OR ELEPHANTS IN MUSTH IT WAS GROSS AND DISTURBING I HAVE BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE SCARRED FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS I SAY I BELIEVE I HAVE CONTRACTED ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION FROM THAT SHOW YOU JUST PUT ON GOOD GRAVY THAT WAS HORRIFIC JUST LEAVE SO I CAN TEND TO MY TATTERED TOOTER IN PEACE AND TRY TO FORGET THE WRETCHED DISPLAY I HAVE JUST WITNESSED!**_ "

"alright, Ben, we're leaving," Dexter muttered. "let's go, Wind. let's leave the 'hero' to his hiney-hole."

" _ **SCREW YOU AND THE VAGINA YOU RODE IN ON!**_ "

suddenly, Decter stopped short. he spun around slowly to face Ben, look of sheer fury on his still-red face because his weiner was still poking out. " **what did you say?** "

" _ **I SAID, SCREW YOU, AND THE VAGINA-**_ "

Decter didn't give Ben a chance to finish, as he ran over and kicked him in the chest sending him falling backward with the water in his bath going everywhere and Ben's own weiner and junk flying around everywhere as he fell! Ben landed on his ass but also on his weiner so he screamed in pain and pulled it out from under himself.

" _ **HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT WIND!**_ " shouted Decter.

"whoa, whoa, man, I didn't mean it about Wind, it's just a saying..." Ben defended, but Decter punched him in the chest!

" _ **DO I LOOK STUUUUPID TO YOU?!**_ "

"oh shoot this is really getting out of hand" I said and whirled around and ran out of the room, thankfully there was a alarm case outside and I broke it and sounded the alarm. soon there were firefighters on the scne i explained there was no fire but my ex-boyfriend was about to kill our friend, they thanked me but fined me for calling them instead of the polce or even hospital security however. they went in and separated the boys and got everything under control.

"good work boys, another job well done," said the fire chief.

"thank you good sirs, you have saved my friends lives," I said and paid them for their work. "here you go, $100."

the fire chef glared at me. " _plus the fine?_ "

"oops" I said and reached into my wallet. "$300."

he glared harder " _and what about a tip?_ "

" _oh, if you weren't a firefighter..._ " I said and anted up " _$375_ "

"thank you for calling us, ma'am," the firefighter said with a grin, took the money and left with his gang of thieves. when they were gone, I turned to Ben and Decter. "well, I hope you all learned your lesseon - GASP!"

"whats' wrong Wind?!" asked Decter.

"D-D-D-Decter?" I said, "y-y-y-you don't think Curtis saw us snogging,, _d-d-do you?!"_

suddenly his eyes went wide behind his glasses. "oh... oh no... he didn't say anything, but there is a high probability he did..."

"OH NO DEXTER WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!" i asked and started crying. "HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THIS CURTIS IS SO SWEET YES HE GRABS MY ASS ALL THE TIME BUT THATS JUST BECAUSE HE LOVES IT AND HE EVEN STOPPED WHEN I ASKED HIM TO UNLIKE SOME JERKS WHO CONTINUE TO DO SAID GRABBING EVEN WHEN ASKED NOT TO CURTIS HAS ALWAYS ONLY DONE WHAT I'VE SAID IS OKAY ITS NOT HIS FAULT I WASN'T OPEN WITH MY TRUE FEELINGS AND NOW HE'S BEEN IN A HELICOPTRET ACCIDENT AND PATCHED BACK TOGETHER AND WHILE HE WAS IN HOSPITAL I WAS SNOGGING MY EX BOYFRIEND WH _HAS_ A NEWGIRLFRIEND WHO LOVES HIM VERY MUCH HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THIS TO ANY OF YOU?!" I cried, then got on my knees and cried some more.

Decter watched the sorry display and opened his mouth to sya something, but just couldn't do it. he turned to Ben, who shrugged, distressed that I was so upset but he felt Dexter had a better chance of helping me.

"uh, Wind," Decter said, appraoching me and hugging me close. "ther there. it's okay. Curtis is a really nice gentleman. maybe if we both explain what happened, he won't be too mad."

"sniff... do you really think so?" I askerd.

"it would not hurt to try. we cannot hide this from him, it is not fair."

"... okay." I said and smiled at Dexter. "let's go. for Curtis."


	11. Curtis Hurt

Chapter 10: Curtis Hurt

we went down ino Curtis' hospital room to explain ourselves and how we were having good old-fastened fun when he walked in and to apologize. when we walked in though, something was wrong...

"where's Curtis?" I asked.

"I do not know" said Decter.

"WELL DUH YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'VE BEEN WITH _ME_ THE WHOLE TIME!" I snapped.

he glared at me "HM WELL MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T STUCK TO MY LIPS FOR THE PAST HALF HOUR YOU WOULD'VE NOTICED WHERE HE WENT WIND _HMM?!_ "

duddenly a nurse walked by. it was professor paradox. "excuse me nurse, where could you tell me is Curtis? this is his room, but he is not hear, I am afraid I do declare" I asked respectfully, because he was a time travleler.

"what is the last name?" he asked

"Hurt."

"hurt, Hurt..." Prof Paradox said as he looked through his clipboard. "oh... oh dear. I'm so sorry Miss. Mr. Hurt died just two minutes ago."

"wait _what?!_ " I shouted and started crying. " _how did this happen?!_ "

"it was dark, it was cold, he was bold and young, he lit a cigarette in the hospital with a candlestick, he blew his flabby body into smithereens, to carry on his memory this song shall be sung." sang Professor Pradox. "he left that in his will. sing it to everyone who doesn't know how Curtis died."

"n... n... NO!" I shouted. "I WILL NOT! THAT IS _STUUUUPID!_ CURTIS WOULD NEVER LEAVE SOMETHING SO DUMB IN A WILL!" I collapsed on his bed and cried. it was still very dark in the hospital remember because the power was out, but now my eyes were adjusting anfd I could see a single black lily in a vase on Curtis' bed. " _ohhhh, Curtiiiiiiis!_ " I cried.

"could you give us a moment?" asked Decter to Professor Paradox. "she needs to be alone."

"of course, sir," said Professor Paradox, he recognized Decter as one of the guides and left as he was told.

Dexter walked in and knelt beside me, draping his arm around my shoulders. "it is okay, Wind. do not cry. he loved you very much and wouldn't want to see you crying."

" _but I BETRAYED HIM,_ " I sniffled. " _HE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME, HE WOULD MAKE LOVE TO ME IN THE KITCHEN WHEN I WAS FEELING DOWN, ONE TIME HE EVEN BOUGHT A BOX OF TAMPONS FOR ME WHILE i WAS WORKING A DOUBLE SHIFT, HE WAS THE GREATEST BOYFRIEND IN TE WORLD WHAT KIND OF LOSER AM I?!_ " I cried.

"it's... it's the war, Wind." he said. "it's got everyone on edge. do not cry for him. DO NOT CRY. he only wanted you to be happy."

"but... but I'm a two-timing harlot, just like you must think I am..."

"what?" asked Decter. "I do not think you are a two-timing harlot! why would I ver think that?"

"because I've been snogging you nonstop since we reunited, you have a new girlfriend, I had a new boyfriend... _or at least I did..._ " I sniffled some more.

"no, Wind. I do not think that of you," he said, restiing his head on my shoulder. "I am also at fault... I seduced you away from your new boyfriend, and I could've stopped sanogging you at any time, but I didn't... I am the harlot here."

"what? Decter, no, you're not a harlot!" I said, looking at him. "you're smart, and kind, and courageous, and a true gentleman. and you look hot in a lab coat. _I_ was the one who seduced _you._ now I will have to apoloigize to your girlfiernd as well."

"no, you won't have to," Decter said, caressing my chin.

"huh? what do you mean?" I asked.

"and you won't have to apologize to me, either," said... Curtis! standing inn the doorway!

"OMG CURTIS!" I shouted and sprang yp and went to hug him. I hugged him tightly and he ugged me back. Decter watched with a confused look on his pallid face.

"wait, I thought you were dead?" he asked.

"not this time, princess," Curtis said and winked at Decter. he pulled away and smiled at me. "I did see you and Dexter kissing, Wind. and I'd also followed you to the boy's bathroom at Providence to check and see if my suspicions were right. the guard and I listened in the whole time you two were snogging. I knew you weren't happy, and that you were more happy with Decter, so I faked my own death to get you two to finally talk about your feelings."

"oh, Curtis..." I said. "that was so sweet of you... but what about you? I cheated on you. I'm a horrible person."

"no you're not, Wind. I forgive you. not only are you my ex-girlfriend, but you're also one of my best friends. it's okay."

"aw, Curtis!" I said and hugged him tightyl. "but, now that we're split up, who are _you_ going to date?"

Curtis gave a sly smile and turned sideways to show me his new love intrerest, Rex, who was standing in the hallway. "oh, I've had my eyes on a certain _secret weapon_ for a while now."

"... who, me?" asked Rex, looking around.

we all laughed, then Curtis gave me one last goodbye, we are no longer a romantic couple hug and went to go see how far he could get flirting with Rex. I smiled after them, then turned to Decter. he had a troubled look on his face.

"what's wrong, Decter?" I asked then gasped. "oh, no! your girlfriend!"

"Wind," he said slowly, "... there was never a new girlfriend."

" _what?_ "

"I made her up so... you would'nt see me as a lonely loser now that you had Curtis in your life." he admitted, then looked down at his shoes. "I lied to you, Wind... I am so sorry."

"Decter," I said, tilting up his head by his chin with my fingers, "you're not a loser. not to me, not to anyone. except maybe Mandark, but his opinion doesn't count. no, you're a brilliant young scientist and I'm so happy to have known you."

Dexter hugged me close anfd looked into my eyes. "and I am happy to have known you, Wind."

"oh, Dexter..." I said, "I've... I've missed you so much..."

"me too..."

we started snogging, then Decter actually managed to pick _me_ up and sit me down on the bed, wow, guess he's been working out! we snogged some more he lifted his hospital gown I ripped off my jeans and underwear and we made love on the bed. it had been so long. unfortunately it was _still_ dark so I _still_ couldnt see his weiner but it was spending most of its time inside my hootenanny so I guess it wouldn't have mattered even if the lights were on. squeeze's pulling mussels came on it was quite fitting. I clawed into his back I bit his shoulder it was amazing to finally be back in his arms and he was happy to finally be back inside of me.

"OH, DECTER, YES, THATS THE SPOT, THAT ONE RIGHT THERE, NO, TO THE LEFT A LITTLE BIT, YEAH, THATS IT, YOU GOT IT, RIGHT THERE!" I screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Decter.

but THEN-


	12. Story of the Lost Powerpuff

Chapter 11: Story of the Lost Powerpuff

"oh, hrllo there, Decter," said PROFESSOR UTONIUM, THERE HE IS, RIGHT THERE IN THE DOORWAY. "I heard moaning in here that sounded like you, so I came in."

Decter was on top of me on top of the bed on top of the floor, between my newly-shaved legs so they were all shiny and shit, my legs were up in the air like I had fallen from a squatthrust on the ceiling, we were both hot and sweaty and smelly because sex does that to you and Dexter's glasses had fallen off. uncomfortable, Decter looked from the Professor. to me, then back to the Professor.

"uh, Professor... I'm sort of in the middle of something right now..." he said.

"oh, are you looking for your glasses? I see they're missing..." said the Professor sadly.

"no, Professor, I am-"

"I am sorry, Professor Utonium, but the 'something' which Dexter is in the middle of is in fact my hymen," I explained.

"oh," said Professor Utonium, "I'm sorry, I did not mean to interrupt you. I'll just go now." the Professor began walking sadly back to the curtain.

"just give me five minutes, and I will be with you shortly, Professor," Dexter called out.

"that poor man," I said. "he always looks so sad all the time."

"yeah, that is due to his daughter dying - oops!" Decter said and brought one hand to his mouth. "sorry. though it's highly likely that Buttercup perished that fateful day over the ocean, we've tried to remain optimistic around the Professor. he is very sensitive."

"I gathered. but no one seems to want to tell me the sotry."

"well..." Dexter said, unsure, "it is a very sad stry, and it wasn't that long ago so the wounds are still fresh..."

"it's just the two of us right now," i said and hooked my legs arund his back "and there's no escape."

Decter laughed. "well, okay. this is the story... of what happened to Buttercup Utonium."

* * *

once upon six months earlier, it was last Christmas. everyone was happy and jolly and had packed on at least five more pounds. while this slowed a lot of criminals down the same wasn't true for notorious chimp supervillain Mojo Jojo, who had carefully avoided Thanksgiving like the plague and was more physically fit than anyone in Townsville so he could conduct his criminal acts with ease.

of course the Powerpuff Girls were also quite physically fit (Bubbles even owned a CD of the song) so they could fight Mojo with ease, at least mostly - Buttercup had been feasting on turkey like a rabid dog and was even eating a turkey leg while they were flying to the beach where Mooj was.

"ugh, Buttercup," Blissom said, "couldn't you have left that at home?"

"no way!" Buttercup said and took a huge honkin' bite. "it would've gotten cold!" she accidentally talk-spat turkay at Bubbles who gased in surprise.

"there!" said Blossom, pointing into the distance, for sooth, there was Mojo Jojo in his giant mecha monkay suit!

the girls flew around Mojo and Bubbles shouted with her sonic scream "Moho Hoho, we have you surrounded! please exit the monkey mech and leave peacefully! or we will be forced; to use _force!_ "

"no way, _Sourpuff Girls!_ " Moho shot back, then fired missiles at the girls! they ducked out of the way immediately tho

"hey!" shouted Blossom. "whatch where you're shooting ,you deranged chimp!"

"yeah!" added Bittercup, "I only want a missile shot at me if it's got _gravy_ in it!"

"DARN IT, BOTTERCOP, DROP THE FREAKING TURKEY LEG ALREADY AND FOCUS ON THE MONKEY!" shouted Blossom.

"NEVER!" Buttercup screamed back. "I FINALLY GET TO EAT A DECENT MEAL WITHOUT BUBBLES STEALING IT FOR HER ANIMAL FRIENDS AND YOU WANT ME TO UNHAND IT TOO! UGH! I WISH I DIDN'T WORK FOR YOU!"

"I CAN SOLVE THAT!" shouted Moho from inside the mech suit. he fired a misslie, straight at Buttercup, it hit her, she was too slow to move out of the way on account of all the turkey she'd been eating, she was knocked into the ocean without moving.

"... _Buthercup?_ " asked the sisters following the trail of smoke that came from their sisters cropse with their eyes.

"oh yeah!" Mojo cheered. "score one for Mojo the Magnificent!"

Blossom froze Mojo in place with her ice breath and Bubbles melted him with her heat vision and the robot died but Moho miraculously survived. he was arrested though, so it wasn't a clean getaway. the Townsville police called in a search raft and they went out into the water to find her, but they were told the water was freezing this time of year and there was a high likelihood Buttercup would freeze before they could find her. Professor Utonium started crying very loudly on the beach and Bubbles had to stay behind to calm him down. so Blossom went out with the others they searched for many hours, but found nothing. they searched for three more days but nothing happened then either hm. finally Buttercup was presumed dead and declared legally dead, and they had a mock funeral in Eternal Meadows where all they could bury was her scrapbook. Professor Utonium didn't stop crying for several months. Blossom and Buttercup had to buy earplugs to get any decent hours of sleep due to the nonstop wailing hm. he finally recovered this past July 4th when he was startled out of his crying by thew fireworks. but he still hadn't recovered mentally.

* * *

"oh wow..." I said, wiping a tear from my own eye. "that's so sad."

"yes, it is very tragic," said Decter pulling out. "Butterup was... _is_ a great heroine and person, she was always pranking me but it was all in good fun, I miss her terribly and we could use her strength and toughness right about now."

"yeah," I said

"where did she fall into the sea?" I asked,

"right off of Bravo Beach," said Decter putting his pants on, then realizing he had to put underwear on first. "roughly twenty yards from the end of the beach."

"I ssee." I said. "Decter, I think I'll go over there and check out the site myself."

"you are more than welcome to join the search," he said, "we could use an extra pair of hands."

"yeah," I said, and sat on his lap seductively and smiled into his eyes, bringing his stumps to my ass. "and I could use yours anytime."

he smiled. "when my prostheses are done, you will be the first one to get a feel of them, I guarantee it."

we made out some more then I got my clothes on and headed out to the south end of Downtown. hopefully I could find something there to help.


	13. Meeting Eldridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope everyone had happy holidays ya'll, I know mine was! I see Retro has Ice King in it now for the holiday season? that is so cool! (oops no pun intended c:) I missed him from later in te OGs run so Im happy to see him even if for a few weeks. but seeing him reminded me of my own story, he actually does show up in the chapter after this! so I went back to polishing the story and here it is! anotjer chapter for you! enjoy! :D

chapter 12: Meeting Eldridge

I walked out to the end of Bravo Beach, and brought my hand above my eyes to I could see over the blue waves. "hm, I do not see anything out of the ordinary..."

I was now on Bravo Bean to look for any trace of Buttercup Utonium, one of the Powerpuff Girls who you might recall. Her disappearance was a major monkey wrench in Earths' defences and caused a lot of pain for her family too mm-hm.

but I couldn't see anything over the waves. wait... what! what's that! there, it's a green sleeve of some sort?! nah, I'm just messin' with ya. there was nothing there.

"darn it, not even joking with myself is helping," I thought, and looked to the east. there was a small isle.

"hmm, maybe there will be some sort of clue there?" I wondered aloud, then hopped on my jetbike and rode over the waves to the isle. when studying it on my nanocom, I saw it was shaped like a skull...

"well, isn't that unnerving," I said and shuddered but continued.

when I reached the isle, I saw it was dotted with palm trees and little green lizards were scuttling about on the ground. they looked so happy. I waved to them and told them how pretty they were. they couldnt understand me because they were lizards but I think they appreciated it anyway. I made my way carefully throug hthe trees careful not to step on any of the lizards.

"huh, how long has this tropical island been off of Downtown?" I wondered because it was just so odd... the grography around here was insane. you can walk from a suburban neighborhood into dense wilderness and from there either into a volcano or a freaking desert. this place was weird.

but what was weirder was the sound of sorrowful wailing coming from deeper on the isle!

"huh?! who's there?!" I called. "are you alright? stay calm, I'm a licensed soldier, I will protect and defrend you!"

I tiptoed further in, scared, unsure of what I was going to encounter. then while I was walking I didn't see it but a coconut fell from one of the palms and was headed straight for my head at an alarming speed! before it could hit me though, those sweet little lizards all jumped on my and pushed me out of the way! I fell over in the sand but was okay, so were they.

but the crying... was closer now.

I looked behind me. there was a tree here! not like a palm tree though, it was dark and appeared dead and had gnarled branches and roots, and strangest of all, it had a face of holes!

"AAAAAAAAAHHH!" I screamed

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed.

"YOU'RE ALIVE!" I said.

"ALL TREES ARE ALIVE, CHILD!" he explained. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ON MY ISLAND ABODE?!"

"um, forgive the intrusion, mister tree, I am here looking for any sign of what became of Buttercup Utonium the Powerpuff Girl, por favor."

"OH, I SEE," said the tree. his voice was really, _really_ deep. it kind of turned me on. but he was a tree so I didn't say anything. "I AM ELDRIDGE JOHNSONMEYER, A TAKING TREE FORMERLY RESIDING IN THE BACKAYARD OF THE ONE KNOWN AS BILLY, BUT I REROOTED HERE TO GET AWAY FROM HIS OBNOXIOUS FAMILY."

"oh, I see, that is very interesting!" I said, but I was talking really fast because hearing that his last name contained _Johnson_ only got my motor revving even more and now I had what they call a, ahem, "ladyboner" on my hands. I hoped he wouldn't notice; I was wearing a very short skirt after all. "so, uh, Mr. _Johnson_ meyer, have you seen any sign of the one called Buttercap?"

"I AM AFRIAD I CANNOT TELL YOU," he gurgled, then spat - there was a cat inside him.

"WHY NOT?!" I shouted because I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before due to all the sex and my hot pants were bothering me and I just wanted to find Buttercup already this wasn't fair to her family!

"MISS, I REQUEST SOMETHING IN RETURN. YOU SEE, I AM STUCK HERE,"

"but didnt you say you've rerooted before...?"

"THAT WAS ON NORMAL SOIL, BUT WE HAD A HUGE RAINSTORM AROUND HERE A WEEK AGO AND THE SAND IS VERY STICKY, LIKE QUICKSAND NOW I RECKON, AND I NEED ASSISTANCE WITH SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT I WOULD DO IT MYSELF BUT I CANNOT."

"ugh what could possibly be so important that you can't help me find a missing girl you creep?!" I asked.

he glared at me. "WHAT COULD BE SO IMPORTANT? WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS CRYING ABOUT EARLIER?" he stared deep into my soul. "CHILD, I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME, VERY CAREFULLY. SOMEWHERE, IN THE WORLD, THERE IS ALWAYS A GUINEA PIG ALONE, IN THE COLD, SHIVERING. HUNGRY. WITH NO ONE THERE TO LISTEN AS IT CRIES INTO THE AIR FOR FRESH VEGETABLES OR A WARM BLANKET, OR EVEN ONE OF THOSE PLASTIC IGLOOS PEOPLE BUY FOR THEM. IT IS ALL ALONE IN THIS WORLD AND HELPLESS."

my eyes widened. overcome with emotion from the heartbreaking scene Mr. _Johnson_ meyer just painted with his words, I burst into tears myself. "that's... _that's so sad..._ "

"NOW YOU UNDERSTAND MY MISSION," he said. "I NEED YOU TO FIND THAT GUINEA PIG AND BRING HIM OR HER TO SAFETY."

"of course," I said blotting my tears away with a tissue, "but where will I find a guinea pig in trouble?"

"YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO KEEP YOUR EARS OUT."

"but this place is enormous."

"WELL, I SUGGEST LOOKING IN A COLD PLACE FIRST. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE... THAT CASTLE OVER THERE."

I turned around and walked through the trees. there, in the middle of the water, was... a castle made of ice?

"when the fock did that get there!?" I said.

"LANGUAGE!" Mr. _Johnson_ meyer chastised.

"sorry," I said. "well, if rescuing a guina pig in need will make you happy, Mr. _Johnson_ meyer, then I'll do it. be right back."

"THANK YOU, YOUNG LADY," he said, but followed up with, "UH, AND IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING... WHY DID YOU SAY MY LAST NAME THAT WAY?"

I blushed. oops, it had been subconscious. "... I don't know what you're talking about."


	14. Ice

Chapter 13: Ice

trudging up the steep hill leading to the mouth of the ice cave, I felt my nose freeze and frost grow across my skin. soon, I couldn't breathe.

" _ **focking frozen wasteleand,**_ " I swore, " _ **what are you even doing out here, in the middle of a warm beach...**_ "

finally I got to the entrance. I looked inside as my eyes adjusted to the dark coldness. "hello? is anyone in here? it's Wind Walter."

"is that you, Gunther?" asked a funny voice that reminded me of the Mayor of Townsville, but it wasn't, at least I don't think it was.

" **WHAT PART OF, HELLO, IT IS WIND WALTER DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND** I mean no, I am not Gunther kind sir!" I said, quickly backpedaling and saying something nicer because I was in a bad mood from lack of sleep and lack of food at this point.

"oh! my apologies!" said this fat old guy in a blue dress, he wore a tiara and had a long white beard. and a long blue nose so maybe his weaner was also big and blue but isn't that a bad thing I'm not sure. but this couldn't have been the Mayor, he was too tall. "I'm the Ice King, welcome to my castle!"

"thank you sir," I said and stepped inside. thankfully it as warmer in here thanks to the fireplace.

"you got here just in time! I just got back from my gynecologist's appointment," said the Ice King as he walkde over to a tea kettle. "chamomile?"

"I prefer lemon, thanks," I said holding up my hand.

he shrugged. "suit yourself," he said and poured a cup for himself. he sat down across from me in the den and sipped at his tea before cramming a bag of frozen cauliflower into whatever hole he had to have inspected earlier that day. "forgive me, my gynecologist is Him you see, I'm always left a little sore after seeing him"

"but I thought Him was a love doctor?"

"exactly"

startled and unnerved and rapidly losing my composure, I took a small bite out of a tea cookie to act like I was focused on something important but really I was trying to get the mortifying images of Him's claws going where no claws have gone before out of my poor innocent brain. I looked everywheere but at Ice king but he _still_ wouldn't leave me alone.

"who's your gynecologist, Ms. Walter?" he asked.

_oh for the love of Pete,_ I thought and was extremely unsettled, obviously this guy hadn't graduated from the school of proper small talk, but resigned myself to entertaining him anyway to find the guinea pig faster. "I don't have one, Mr. King."

his eyes went wide and his teacup clinked against the saucer he held in his other hand. "you don't have a gynecologist?! don't you have sex?!"

" _what, do you?_ " I uttered but immediately knew I didn't want to know the answer. then I was bombarded with images of the Ice King making whoopie to Ben.

"young lady, it is very important to see a gynecologist regularly if you participate in intimate acts," said Ice King worriedly. "didn't you hear what happened to Gwen Tennyson?"

" _did she walk in on you and her cousin doing the dirty and died of shock?_ " I said then squirmed at my own question.

"she contracted various STDs from her boyfriend Kevin, he was sleeping around with many many many other women, like a filthy tomcat, and gave them all to her and she was too busy with the war to see a gynecologist and she _died!_ " he stressed.

"so I was right?"

"not if you're not seeing a gynecologist!" Ice King said, scared. "you haven't been _having sex,_ have you?"

"why on Earth is that any of _your_ business?!"

"because, Ms. Walter, not only could _you_ be in danger, but your parnter(s) as well!"

"that's a load of-" I stopped. how could I be so selfish?! what if I gave something Curtis had to Decter while making sweet sweet love to him?! Curtis always said he was clean and he had never lied to me (excpet when he faked his death but that was kind of differnet) but he _did_ work in the digusting foul underbelly of the Burger Frenzy kitchen so who knew really. and I'd had sex with him. _on that kitchen floor._

" _piss-rocks,_ " I muttered, my hands shaking as I combed my fingers through my hair, thinking over all the risks I'd taken. " _I'm a fool..._ I need to get to a gynecologist STAT!"

"but before you go, could you tell me miss, what you're doing here?" asked Ice King, and he finished his tea in one gulp.

"oh, right," I said, "I'm here to look for a stranded guinea pig, may I investigate your house for him Sir?"

"be my guest," said Ice King and he laughed at his joke. I thanked him and got up from the sofa to go look for the guinea pig, but couldn't help patting my "undercarriage" to make sure it was okay after that conversation.

"soon as I'm out of here, I'll go see the doctor," I said to myself as I descended down a long ice tunnel into the bowels of the castle.

here all the waste was stored. piles upon piles of dookie were scattered about as far as the eye could see. thankfully the low temperature froze the stench so each pile was covered in solidified stink lines that had fallen out of the air and back onto the pile.

"ew, this place is discusting!" I said.

"you got that right, Wind," said a nearby voice.

I turned around and saw Finn and a funny pink lady standing a few feet away. "oh, hi, Finn," I said and gave him a hug. "how are you doing?"

"better," he said and gave a sad smile. obviously he was still grieving after Jake's death. "Wind, I'd like you to meet Princess Bubblegum."

"charmed," said the pink lady and she shook my hand daintily. her hand was incredifly soft though, and smooshed in my hand.

"the pleasure's all mine," she said and her voice was very kind and sweet.

"so what brings you here?" asked Finn.

"I was about to ask you the same question? didn't you hate Ice King?" I asked.

"well, yeah, but now that the war is going on I have no choice but to work with him," Finn said. he sighed. "sometimes you just have to call a truce."

"eh, I guess," I said, immediately reminded of my vagina worries. I cleared my throat. "um, hey, Finn, you wouldn't happen to have heard of a lost guinea pig around these parts, have you?"

"huh, it's funny, we actually _have_ heard what's sounded like a trapped guinea pig during the last few days, but we couldn't find where it was coming from," said Finn.

"WHAT?!" I said and lunged at him. "YOU HEARD A POOR HELPLESS GUINEA PIG SQUEAKING IN HUNGER AND FEAR AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO HELP?!"

"w-we _did_ try!" Finn stuuttered. :"we just couldn't find him and couldn't understadn what a _guinea pig_ was doing in freezing tmperatures anyway!"

" **oh no** " I said, and let go of him, slowly backing away, a look of horror on my face. "it's so cold... **that poor thing is probably frozen stiff.** "

Finn's eyes went wide. "FIND HIM, WIND!"

I nodded, then turned and ran deeper into the frozen halls. I called out the whole time. "Mr. Guinea Pig? are you there? SPEAK TO ME!"

"squeak squeak!" said a voice that sounded suspiciously similar to a guinea pig under several frozen rocks. (i've looked up sound clips of what guinea pigs sound like i never had one though but my friend did, she was a nice little guinea pig very fat though and im not sure if that was er diet or just how they are but a lot of pictures i see of guinea pigs are of obese ones, at least they look obese, so maybe that's just how they are. i just had a chinchilla who hated my guts, he was named pepper and i got him when i was like ten r so my parents gave him to me for christmas. but he hated me he would poop on my desk and bite me and eat my food. once he ate my school lunch before school (i left it on my desk by accident i wanted to grab a pudding pocket to go with it it was just a salad anyway) and he got out of his cage and ate my food, then when i said hey pepper that was mine! he just glared at me... really freaky to be honest but it happened. i don't even have any other explanation as to why he ate my food other than spite because i walways made sure he was fed had clean water and clean bedding, i would give him hay every day he never went hungry... so many vegetables at his beck and call and yet he would eat my food away from me... he lived with us for about seven more years after that when my mom finally witnessed him biting my neck like a vampire, i'd been telling her for years that he bit me like a freakin land piranha but she never believed me and thought all the bite marks were just drawn on for attention. then she saw it freaked out called the animal shelter and they said they couldn't take him they were full. awlays remember to adopt people, always visit the animal shelter when you want a new pet becasue they have this problem often. and you can save a sweet animal that way. people always say go to no-kill shelters but i don't really understand that because if you go to a kill shelter aren't you saving an animal in dire need of rescue too?! i understand not endorsing enuthansia why would anyone do that its horrible but wouldnt it be better to save an animal from what is literally death row?! but i try to avoid bringing politics into my stories so please forgive me, i take animal rescue very seriously sorry. so the animal shelter couldn't take him and i was worried my partens were going to release pepper out into the wild (which they wouldnt have but i was young and scared) but then we got a call from my older cousin she said she would take him she loved chinchillas. we were in the car when we found out and the song hallelujah came on the radio at the exact time we found out it was really fitting. so he took pepper and he's still a little dickbag but he's still alive and spoiled with hay and veggies and tons of neat little toys. i see him often to this day he still glares at me but he glares at everyone so. but i still bring him presents for christmas or his birthday.)

" _oh good gravy..._ " I said, thankfully the rocks were arranged just so so there was a little crawlspace at the bottom. "are you in there, little guinea pig?!"

"squeak squeak!" said the guinea pig.

i lifted the rocks off to reveal the guinea pig, he was bleu and shivering and his eyes were bugging out like crazy but that was noirmal, some guniea pigs are like that. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" he squealed.

"don't worry little buddy, I'll get you out of there!" I said and grabbed him, his feet were frozen to the ground but I was able to wrench him free. I tucked him in my jacket to warm him up and headed back to the nexus.

"GYES!" i shauted, "I FOWND THE GINA PEG!"

"oh u did?!" sed fin haply, "threa chears for u wind!"

"THER ES NO TIME FOR THAT," i showted, on tha verje of teers frum the state o tha gina peg. "WE NEAD TO GET HIM TO A VET STATT!"

Finn called an animal ambulance and they came and put the guinea pig inside. they also arrested the Ice King for cruelty to animals, then I explained he had no idea the guinea pig was here! they understood but I added that Finn and Princess Bubblegum _did_ hear the guinea pig but never helped, so they arrested them instead. the guinea pig was airlfisted to the hospital and I went along, congratulated by the paramedics along the way.

"just doing my job, boys," I said, blushing.

when we landed at the hospital, two nureses walked up to me and said Decter requested my presence at once at FDexlabs to discuss the rescue mission. "Dexlabs?" I asked. "but he was here when I left?"

"Wind, we have wonderful news to tell you," said Ms. Keane, and she smiled. "Decter's been released!"

I gasped, tears springin from my eyes. "wait, really?! this is fantastic! thank you so much, Ms. Keane!" I said, and hugged her, then hurried out of the hospital to go back to Tech Square.


	15. Dexter's Interpretation

Chapter 14: Dexter's Interpretation

I reached Dexlabs in record time, thanks to my jetbike. between you and me, the rent on it had expired three months ago, but I'd never returned it. it was pure luck the Fusion War started so the rental agency was distracted and stopped going after me for it back.

I'm not a good person, I know.

I walked in and Computress greeted me at the sliding door. "hello young Wind, Decter is waiting for you in his study."

"oh good, thank you Computress," I said and smiled, I liked Computress. she was always very sweet and nice to me.

"do you need me to guide you to it? it has been a while I reckon."

"no, thanks, I know the way, heh heh," I said nervously. Dexter and I had made love on his desk in that very study so many times I knew the route by heart honestly. I hurried over and knocked on the door.

"who is it" called Dexter.

"it's me," I called back.

"come in."

I walked in. his study was a stark contrast to the stark white sterile environment of the rest of Dexlabs. there was a wood floor and a fireplace with a cozy rug in front of it (we'd made love there too) and numerous bookcases lined with various tomes, and a wooden globe behind his mahognay desk where the CEO of Dexlabs himself, Dexter, sat. he looked up from his notebook where he was writing who knows what and smiled at me.

"Wind," he said as he got up and embraced me, then gave me a soft kiss. "congratulations on saving that guinea pig."

"oh, it was nothing," I said then looked down. "wait a minute... Dexter, your hands...!"

"do you like them?" he asked, bringing them up. they were blue robotic gloves that reached down to the middle of his forearms, the fingers were lighter blue and he could move them all indpeendently. "they're my prostheses. I just got them built today."

"whoa, cool," I said running my fingers along them. "how do they feel?"

"amazing," he said, smiling widely. "they offer full range of motion and tactile sensation wired straight to my brain, which means I can do _this,_ " he reached his hand around to my rump slowly and gently caressed it, "and feel everything."

I smiled and hugged him close. " _we'll be doing a lot of experimentaion with the tactility of these hands, I want you to know._ "

he grinned. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

we snogged for a little bit, then sat down in front of the fireplace. "so, how did you get involved with the guinea pig case in the first place? I thought you were looking for Buttercup."

"yeah, I was, I just got a little sidetracked," I explained, blushing. "there was this tree guy named Eldridge _Johnson_ meyer, and he said that if I found the stranded guinea pig, he would tell me all he knew about where went Buttercup."

"I see," Dexter said, scratching his chin. "you haven't been back to see him yet?"

"no. I probably should, though - time's a wasting."

"wait, before you go, I want to show you something," Dexter said, and pulled a small object out of his coat pocket. "do you remember this?" he asked.

I gasped. "it's... your ocarina! the one I gave you on our first anniversary!"

"mm-hm," he said, and smiled. "I haven't been able to play it, obviously, due to my lack of hands... but I'd like to try it again. will you stay and listen for a little while?"

I smiled back. "of course, Decter."

he brought the ocarina to his lips, and began playing. it was slow and unsure at first, but when he started to remember the technique, he became more confident and kept the beat perfectly. I soon recognized the piece. it was Sir Duke, by Stevie Wonder. my eyes lit up.

"this was what was playing on the radio during our first date," I said.

Dexter couldn't respond because he was playing said ocarina, but he gave a little smirk to acknowledge my remembrance. our first date had been to one of those gross food stands where you have to sit and eat outside in the cold rain while the people working there got to stay in the nice warm small building featuring a kitchen and order window. we'd had cheap burgers and things went very awkwardly until Sir Duke came on. we both knew the song and were surprised the other did. Dexter then blushed and stood, holding out his hand.

" _may I have this dance?_ " he'd asked.

I smiled and accepted his offer, and we waltzed there on the grass. the food stand employees glared at us because we were supposed to be miserable in this place, but we weren't. we were happy with each other.

in the present day, Dexter finished up the song, and looked up at me. his eyes were half-closed and his cheeks were blushing. "Wind... you look as beautiful as you did that night tonight..."

I blushed, myself, my whole body going hot... particularly in some specific places. "I still remember how strong and sure your hands were on my body."

we leaned closer to each other. "care to... have a redux?"

" _yes,_ " I said, and he grabbed me and pulled me close, snogging all the while. he climbed on top of me then I climbed on top of him and we sort of kept flipping around like this for about thrity seconds until we settled on our sides and just kept snogging that way. Dexter ran his hands over my body then up my shirt and I groaned in ecstasy. his weiner was now poking out and I was about to unsheath my vaginal endowment WHEN-

"wait, Decter... I-I can't do this..." I whispered hotily.

"oh, why not Wind?" asked Decter and he began putting his weiner away.

"it's just... I just..." I said, unsure of how to tell him I might have an STD and didn't want to give it to him... things like that never seem to go over well...

"whatever it is, you can tell me, Wind," he said and kissed my cheek. "I love you."

"and I... love you too..." I said and began crying. "I just don't know how to tell you this..."

"I think I know something that will help," said Dexter, he helped me to my feet and. he led me to a painting on the wall next to the door. it was of an insanely hairy hootenanny, all up-close and everything, legs spread apart and nothing was left to the imagination it was awful.

"ugh!" I said in extreme disgust.

"yes, it has that effect on people," Dexter said. " _L'Origine du monde,_ by Gustave Courbet, 1866. you may be wondering why I have a copy hanging in my study."

" _ **yes.**_ "

"in this day and age, with our very longevities coming into question with the arrival of Planet Fusion, it is easy to become overwhelmed and distracted by our troubles. this painting reminds me of what is important in life."

"huh." I said. "my mom has a copy of this painting as well. she said it reminded her to shave often."

"ha ha, I suppose it would also do well for that." Dexter turned to me, standing on his top toes to kiss my neck. "whatever it is that is troubling you, my dear Windfall, I can handle it... please, speak your mind..."

I wanted so badly to release my endowment (that looked _significantly_ better than the one in the painting, I might add), so, _so badly,_ but it would have to wait if I might make Dexter sick!

"no, wait, I can't do this!" I said, pushing Decter away and running to the door.

"huh? Wind, what's wrong!?" he called, confused.

"I... I'm sorry, Dexter," I said, and bolted out the door, leaving him to cry in sorrow and rejection. but I had to go... for his sake, and mine.


	16. Vagina Worries

Chapter 15: Vagina Worries

I entered the gynecologist's office and ran up to the front desk. "uh, hi, my name is Wind Walter, I need an appointment immediately!"

the receptionist had fear in her eyes at my insistence. "uh, sure, _oh dear it must be serious,_ can you have a seat please?" she asked.

"yeah," I said and turned to sit down,

but the receptionist said, "oh, and the only gynecologist we have on call for emergencies right now is Him... is that okay with you?"

I sighed. " _ugh..._ yeah, that's okay." it's not like I could argue.

I sat down among all the over women with healthy vaginas, unlike mine. well I didn't know if it was unhealthy or not I mean it looked fine and normal and everything but then again the only one I'd ever seen was my own so who knew really. I'd heard rumors that some women carried weight in their fluffers but mine seemed pretty svelte. maybe if I ate more carbs that would be different, but it would probably just go to my thighs like all the other extra carbs I took in.

I started sweating from nervousness and realized it probably wasn't going to help the situation down there so I grabbed my peppermint breath spray and gave a little spritz up my skirt, i felt better then but the other women stared at me, I realized I probably should've gone into the bathroom to do that.

"um, I'm very sorry everyone, I am very stressed," I explained, and they all understood.

"don't worry, dearie," said an old lady I immediately recognized as the infamous Madame Foster, "you get used to it. and it's always good to make sure you're healthy."

"heh heh, right," I said, though I appreciated her kind words.

"Walter?" called the nurse from the door.

"that's your cue, girl!" said Madame Foster as I got up. "go get 'em, tiger!"

"thank you," I said and waved goodbye, maybe for the last time. the nurse took me in ripped my clothes off gave me a gown and shouted at me to go lie on a bed if I knew what was good for me.

" _sheesh, what a bitch,_ " I muttered, sitting down.

as I got myself all settled and shit I saw a familiar woman walk by. it was Dr. Holliday, she knew Rex and was sort of his adoptive mother even though he flirted with her which was incredibly sickening.

"oh, hello there Wind. I see you've finally come to your senses and scheduled a doctor's visit." she said.

"uh, y-yeah, Dr. Holliday," I stuttered. Dr. Holliday was my mom's gynecologist so she knew I hadn't seen one yet even though _it would've prevented all of this from happening._

she said goodbye and I had about two seconds of calm until the door opened and in stepped Him. he was wearing a doctor's coat and gloves over his regular garb and his claws (they were specially-made gloves that were shaped like his claws)

"ah, good afternoon, Ms. Walter!" he said his voice echoing around the room and giving me a headache. "I understand you're in for an emergency checkup? could you tell me what has you troubled?"

"hello Dr. Him," I said, "I am ehere because I used to have sex with my exboyfriend on a filthy kitchen floor (it was Burger Frenzy you see) and now I'm having sex with my exexboyfriend who is now my current boyfriend again, and I don't want him to get sick I love him so much I want to make sure I'm clean, can you help me out Doc?"

"there's very little Him the Love Doctor can't do!" Him said happily and walked up to me and began the examination. sure enough his claws were murder on my clam but it had to be done.

"alright, Mrs. Walter, I'm going to go grab the pap smears, be right back" siad Dr. Holliday and she left the room.

"wait a minute... _Mrs._ Walter?!" I asked and turned to the curtain drawn next to me. " _Mom?!_ "

"Wind? is that you?" asked my Mom.

"yeah, it's me!" I said. "I didn't know you had an appointment today."

"and I didn't know _you_ did, either!" she said. "everything okay, honey?"

"I, uh... I don't know."

"I will soon enough, Mrs. Walter," assured Him. "your daughter is in good hands."

"okay, that puts my mind at ease."

_it doesn't put my clam at ease,_ I thought, because dang, Him's claws hurt.

"so how are things going with Curtis?" Mom asked through the curtain.

"uh, well, actually, we broke up," I explained. "but it was on good terms. we're still friends."

"oh, I'm sorry to hear that. but I'm happy you could still be friends."

"yeah, so now I'm dating Dexter again."

"oh really?!" Mom said. she'd always liked Dexter and was happy that her daughter had snagged a catch like that. "that's wonderful Wind! when can I see him again?"

"well, uh," I said thinking about how I'd abrutply left right before making whoopie to him. "I, uh... I'll let you know."

"oh, my..." said Him, concrended.

"what's wrong Doctor?!" I asked scared.

"Ms. Walter, may I speak with you in the other room, please?" Him asked.

"uh, yeah, sure," I said getting up. "I'll meet you in the waiting room, 'kay Mom?"

"sure, honey," she said. "hope you get a clean bill of health!"

"me too," I said and followed Him into his office.

I sat down across from him at his desk. he had his claws clasped together after removing the gloves and he had a sad look on his face, like he wasn't sure how to tell me something.

"give it to me straight, Doc," I pleaded. "what's wrong with my vafina?"

"Ms. Walter," Him began, "I'm afraid you have chlamydia."

my whole body went cold. "... _chlamydia?_ "

"it is a disease of the clam, hence the name, that often presents no symptoms but is deadly if left untreated."

"h-how long have I had it?" I asked.

Him sighed. "according to the report, five years now."

"five years...?" I thought aloud, slowly realizing what this meant. "Doctor, how long do I have to live?"

Him gave me a look of pity. "two years, Ms. Walter."

I slowly looked down at myself, shaking. _two years. twnety-four months._ _seventeen thousand, five hundred thirty one hours._ "... o-oh..."

"I'm terribly sorry for the news, Ms. Walter," said Him offering me a cookie from a jar on his desk. "please, if there is anything you need, don't hesitate to call."

"th-thank you, Him," I said, taking the cookie, then I started crying. "h-how am I going to tell my boyfriend?!"

"have you two been sexually active?" asked Him.

"yeah, we made love last night, and before that I used to have sex all the time with my now ex-boyfriend... what if they're both sick?!"

"I can call my colleagues at the general hospital and ask if they can scan your boyfriends stealthily. they'll never know, unless they actually _are_ sick, in which case we'll handle whatever their cases may be."

"thank you."

I got up and made for the door. "um, Dr. Him, there's one more thing I want to ask about, but I'm not sure if it makes me a bad person or not..."

"what's that, Ms. Walter?" asked Him. "I'm a doctor, you can ask me anything."

"well... you see, I am a woman with needs... does this mean I'll never be able to have sex again until I die?"

"ah," Him said, smiling. "well, not with humans, anyway. but some aliens are immune to human STIs. so are demons. and of course using a condom would protect your boygfriend if you really needed to have sex with him."

"I don't know if I could still make love to Dexter after this... after what I've exposed him to," I said, biting my lip to keep from crying. "and I don't find Demongo attractive, either. his voice is too high."

"whatever you decide to do, Ms. Walter, I will help you every step of the way."

"thank you, Doctor."

I left his office and took a bite out of the cookie. mm, oatmeal raisin. at least _that_ could cheer me up in this nightmare of a day.

I went into the waiting room to find my Mom. she waved at me from the seats near the door. "hi, honey! how did your appointment go?"

"uh, it went great, Mom," I lied, but I just couldn't admit to her that I was sick. "hey, uh, I have to go interrogate a tree, I'll see you tonight for dinner, okay?"

"oh, that sounds like fun! can I come along?" asked my Mom.

"uh, sure, if you want," I said, even though I just wanted to be alone right now, but it was okay we both left the doctor's office and headed for Bravo Beach.

(hey, just want to let everyone know i know the depiction of chlamydia isn't right. i wrote it a long time ago sorry. yes people have died from it and yes often there are no symptoms in women i think but this isn't how it works at all also its a bacterial nfection not a disease. but it's important to the story so I left it as is sorry.)


	17. Looking for Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone, i just looked at how long my original story was and holy cow it's a monster alright... so it's going to take a really long time to get it all polished and uploaded on here. i'll still keep chipping at it but just want to give a heads-up that it might go unupdated from time to time while i work on other things. but that's not true for today because we've got two new chapters up today! c: so please enjoy and happy belated new year to everyone! :D

Chapter 16" Looking for Love

Decter was all manners of upset following Wond running away and leaving him with an excited pecker hanging out. he couldn't understand how it happened Wind was finally his girlfriend again and had always loved his weiner why did she run away.

"what did I do wrong" asked Decter sitting in his room eating cheese puffs because he was sad, it's not normally something he does but he was very sad at the moment! he cried into the cheese puff container because he was out of tissues from crying so much earlier. "why didn't she tell me why she didn't want to make love? if I only knew, I wouldn't be so upset..." he went to grab more cheese puffs but they were all soggy from his tears so he got angry and pelted the container across the room, where it eventually collided with the wall and spilled wet pufs all over his freshly-vaccumed white carpet.

"NOOOOOO!" he cried, and was about to have a full-scale meltdown when he stopped himself. "no. I cannot let this run away with me. I need to find out why Wind ran away... but before I do that I need to contact her somehow, otherwise I'll never know."

so Decter pulled out his CELLULAR PHONE, SEE GRANDMA, EVEN DEXTER HAS A CELL PHONE AND HE KNOWS HOW TO USE IT YOU SAUSAGE-FINGERED ANTIQUE (i got in so much trouble at home for this line :c) and called up Wind. his phone made a ringtone that went, "RING RING BITCH, IT'S GOIN' WITH A HITCH, YOU AIN'T PICKIN' UP SO I'MMA KEEP RINGIN', YOU BETTER ANSWER SOON OR I'MMA BE SINGIN'!" he cringed at his ringtone. he'd chosen it for Wind after they broke up and he was angry at her over the anus slapping incident.

"now, you can slap my ass anytime you want to..." he whispered into the phone to her but she couldn't hear because she hadn't piced up yet.

and she never did

Decter got angry and threw the phone at the wall exactly in the spot where he'd thrown the container of pufs, it was then Decter realized he really had a problem with throwing things hm. he got up and stroked his hair then stroeked his weenie to clam himself down. which was different than weenie-to-clam resuscitation, this just meant it reminded him of Wnd's clam which quite literally "clammed" him down. "I have to go... I have to find her before it's too late!" he said and grabbed his coat and ran out the front door.

before he could do so though his mom called from the kitchen ", Decter, where areyou going it is nearly ten o'clock?!"

"oh for crying out loud mother" said Dexter, "I am a world-famous sciewntist and have been screwing my hot hollaback girlfriend for years now on my desk on the floor in the shower in my own bedroom here _darn it there goes my weenie again_ do you really need to ask me where I'm going at this point?" but all of this was muttered under his breath (which still stenched of cheexe pufs) so he cleared his throat and said loudly, "I AM GOING TO THE CUL-DE-SAC MOTHER I NEED TO SPEAK WITH DOUBLED D"

"okay, dont catch cold!" called Dexter's Mom, and smiled to herself as her son rushed through the front door with an obvious boenr in his pants. she'd had a hunch for months now that he secretly liked Double D and this was all the proof she needed.

"Mom?" asked Dee Dee she came down the stairs with a terrified look on her face. "the toilet's backed up and flooding across the floor whoops there it goes down the stairs but _what was that hideous_ _ **bulge**_ _a-pokin' out of Dexter's drawers?_ "

"oh... oh no" said Decter's Mom. she didn't expect she'd have to explain these things so early!

* * *

as soon as he crossed the threshold into the barracks in Devil's Bluff, Decter took out a cigarette and lit up. he took a long drag off it and exhaled the noxious fumes. he was addicted.

"ah, _fock,_ that's good..." he said. it hadn't been his intwntion to get addicterd to cigs. he'd just needed something to distract himself from his last addiction to shortbread cookies. he shuddered. he didn't want to relive _those days_ ever again...

he took in the sight of the barracks. on the far end, a group of men were packing fudge from the Devil's Bluff Candy Company™ to be sent to Mount Blackhead because everyone there _loved fudge!_ especially Numbuh 3. in the long yard in front of all the tents and ancient houses hungry stray dogs were fighting over a turkey which squawked and feathers went everywhere but it was putting up a jolly good fight. from within one tent a teenage soldier was giving birth and screaming like birthing mothers do. since there was a high liklihood everyone on Earth was just going to die anyway the soldiers were making whoopie like cRaZy and there were a multitude of teenage pregnancies on Dexlabs' hands. some of which were Decters', because he was a ladies' man and he'd been broken up from Wind for a while so. so now not only was he the world's youngest multi-millionaire genius lab-owner-founder, he was also the father of thirty-odd kids as well.

" _oh Lordy, I hope that one's not mine, because if she sees I'm here I'm going to get stuck for child support,_ " he thought to himself.

suddenly there was a huge squelching sound and the doctor performing the birth (from the sound of his voice it was Dr. Charmcaster. "oh, oh no, oh no...!" he said, before a huge splatter of blood rocketed out of the tent and splashed all over the ground stretching about fifteen feet from the entracne to the tnet. Decter jumped out of the way to avoid getting hit and was mortified to see the blood and the distance it had traveled out of this poor young woman. more specifically her clam.

"THAT IS ABOUT THE WORST ONE I HAVE SEEN," said a funny shaky, shimmery voice a few yards away.

Decter turned to look at who it belonged to. it was this funny purple man with black and white face paint and robes reminiscent of a shaman. he had a staff with an eagle head on it that was biting a ring, the ring was there for rope or to hang a lantern or in modern society it could even be used to hold the leash when walking a dog.

Decter walked up to him. "who are you?"

"I AM **HEX,** AND YOU WILL LEARN TO FEAR ME," said Hex.

"pff. why would I fear a clown in a skirt?" scoffed Decter.

glaring at him, Hex ten snapped his fingers. a moment later, Decter began grasping at his hiney.

"eh? EHH?!" he gasped. Hex had blinked his hineyhole _out of existence._

"CONSIDER THAT BUT A TASTE OF MY POWER," boasted Hex, and he laughed a little at Decter's predicament.

"YOU FIEND!" Decter shouted, glaring up at Hex. "GIVE ME BACK MY ANAL SPHINCTER! I NEED IT!"

"YOU WILL BE JUST FINE," Hex said, rolling his eyes in disgust. "THE ONE KNOWN AS COURAGE HAS LIVED HIS WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT ONE. HE IS STILL ALIVE AND WELL."

duddenly Dr. Charmcaster came out of the tent and walked over to the men. Hex smiled at him. "CHARMCASTER, MY NEPHEW. HOW DID THE BIRTH GO?"

"hello, Uncle," said Charmcaster. yes, Charmcaster was now a man. he'd undergone a sex change after getting his ass kicked my Gwen _for the last time_ and realized he was a man inside. so he had a sex change and everyone threw a big party at Orchid Bay and everyone showed up even Gwen it was great. and they had a big cake to celebrate and baloons and that's when Hex said Charmcaster didn't need to have an operation to have a sex change there was actually a spell for it in one of his old tomes and he could've been spared the long, grueling, painful recovery... going through that amount of pain for no reason taught Chramcaster a valuable lesson, though, and he studied hard and became a doctor to help people experience as little pain as possible. normally he was a podiatrist but with the war going on and everything he had become a field medic for the times of need and a lot of women sought him out to deliver their babies because he was very good with women, having been one himself once upon a time. and the best part was with the sex vchange came a really _really_ _ **really**_ _ **really**_ sexy extreme deep baritone voice, on account of the _massive_ influx of testosterone Charmcaster's body was saving up in case it ever became male.

"HOW DID THE BIRTH GO?" asked Hex.

"it was... complicated," siad Charmcaster, giving an unsure smile. "the mother is very week, but she successfully delivered a mostly-healthy baby girl and is now resting."

" _MOSTLY_ HEALTHY?" asked Hex. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"well, she is very, very tiny... and her head is absolutely enormous. it, unfortunately, ripped her mother's clam apart," explained Dr. Charmcaster. Dexter now understood what caused the massive bloodsplosion he witnessed before.

"WELL, HOW BIG IS THE CHILD'S HEAD? IT CAN'T BE _THAT_ BIG, NEPHEW, I MEAN REALLY." but Hex gave a nervous laugh after he said that.

"I can show you, Uncle. and you, uh, what was your name?" asked Dr. Charmcaster turning to Decter.

"Decter, owner/founder of Declabs, peasant," said Decter, he could be really self-absorbed at times and thought that anyone who didn't immediately recognize him from the Wheaties box was beneath him.

"oh, I see," said Dr. Charmcaster, raising an eyebrow and internally calling Decter all sorts of nasty names for being so rude. "well, please, come inside the tent and I can show you the infant."

"no, thank you," Decter said holding up his hand, "I came here to find my girlfriend, Wind Walyer... _wait wait a minute don't tell me she's the one who gave birth?!_ " he asked scaredly for his girlfriend.

"no, the patient's name isn't Walter," saaid Dr. Charmcaster. "though I cannot reveal it to you due to doctor-patient confidentiality."

"understood. well, if she's not here, I guess I'll head up into the Twisted Forest... good day, gentlemen."

Decter left and Hex and Dr. Charmcaster said goodbye and waved to him as he stepped out of the camp. he traveled up into the Twisted and Really Twisted Forests but still there was no sign of Wind. he asked the monkeys on Monkay Mountain but they hadn't seen her either! now he was starting to get worried. where could his precious girlfriend be?!

"oh, Widn!" he cried as he fell on his ass in the grass. "where have you gone? why have you left me? I just want to know why, and if you're safe..."

suddenly he remembered something! "of course! maybe all of this has o do with that awful tree that sent her off on that mission to find some ferret or whatever? I bet _he's_ behind all of this!" he said and she jumped up from the grass, running in the direction of Bravo Beach.

When Dexter finally got there the sun was setting, sending orange rays of sunlight arcing across the water. it looked really beautiful, but Decter couldn't waste time watching the beauties of Mother Nature. he had to find his natural beauty (yes, Wind's white hair was natural. Dexter had even seen her puvic hair so he _knew_ it was natural.)

"WIND!" he cried out over the waves but couldn't hear anything back except the waves because they were really loud.

he fell to his knees and began crying, then noticed a small island off the coast of the beach. with renewed hope, he swam over to it and pulled himself onto dry land. "Wind?" he called. "Wind, where are you? it's me! Dexter!"

Dexter scoured the island but found nothing. until he heard moaning... from behind a bush...

"... Wind?" he asked. because it sounded like her moaning from all those wonderful nights of passion they shared. trembling, he pushed the bush out of the way... and screamed as tears ran down his face.


	18. Admittance

Chapter 17: Admittance

Wind and her Mom took a ferry out to the island off Bravo beach this time, because her Mom never learned how to swim and was wearing designer clothes anyway and was worried they'd shrink.

"it's that island over there, Mom," said Wind, pointing to it.

"oh, it looks lovely!" said her Mom. she was kind of an airhead. especially since she and Wind could've ridden on Wind's jetbkie but she was worried it wouldn't be able to support them, despite Dexter sesigning it to be able to support the likes of _Vilgax._ and Wind's Mom was incredibly light from all the newfangled diets she kept trying.

so thye finally got off the ferry, Mrs. Walter tipped the ferry man and his wife (it was a family-run ferry) and headed into the jungle on the island. looking at it reminded Wind of her vagina.

_well, at least I won't have to worry about shaving and looking decent anymore,_ she thought, and envisioned her undercarriage growing wild and lush like nature intended. but then it got infested with crab lice from a pubic toilet and she had to shave and start all over again.

shaking the evil thoughts away, Wind saw they were getting close. "here, Mom," she said and pushed the foliage out of the way to reveal Eldridge Johnsomeyer snoozing in the shade. they walked up to him Wind had no patience though after being distracted from her mission so she snaooed her fingers angrily. "yo. tree man. _WAKE UP._ I've got news on your guinea pig."

"SNORT - HUH?" asked Eldirge Johnsomneyer, a little startled but shaking off sleep. "OH, ITS YOU WIND. DID YOU FIND THE GUINEA PIG?"

"yeah, I found him, he's fine," she snapped. "now tell me what you know of what happened to Bittercup!"

"WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T SEE A GUINEA PIG WITH YOU-" began argue Eldridge Johnsonmeyer until he saw Wind's Mom. his eye holes turned into heart-shaped eye holes. "OH! WHO IS THIS?"

"uh, this is my mom, she gave birth to me," said Wind feeling incredibly awkward.

"OH, _BABY!_ " Eldridge purred. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?"

Mrs. Walter giggled. "Genius Grove~?"

Wind looked from Elrdirgde, to her Mom, and back, disgusted. "that's _my Mom, you termite-infested asshole!_ "

"THEY'RE NOT CONTAGIOUS," said Eldridge still all smooth-like to Mrs. Walter. "IF I'D KNOWN I'D BE HAVING SUCH BEAUTIFUL COMPANY, I'D HAVE TAKEN CARE OF THEM. PARDONÉ MOÍ."

"ooh!" said Mr.s Walter. she had a thing for French. she blushed and started fanning herself. "oh, wow, is it hot in here, or what?! hee hee..."

" _ **UGH,**_ " said Wind, her stomach twisting at the sight of her mother falling for a _tree of all things._ yes she'd thought his voice was hot but this whole scene just made her angry. that and she still needed to find Buttercup and it had been a long couple of days, and she wanted potato chips. "Edlridge _Johnsonnn_ meyer **JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW OF THE WHEREABOUTS OF BUTTERCUP UTONIUM SO I CAN LEAVE THIS FOUL PLACE AND NEVER RETURN.** "

"SURE, SURE, KID," said Eldridge not taking his eye holes off Mrs. Walter, "LAST I SAW ANYTHING OF HER WAS WHEN HER RAGGED JACKET WASHED UP ON THE BEACH ABOUT THREE WEEKS AFTER SHE WAS KNOCKED INTO THE OCEAN. THEN A WEEK AFTER THAT THIS GIRL WASHED UP ON THE BEASH AND SHE _LOOKED_ LIKE BUTTERCUP, BUT SHE WAS UNCONSCIOUS AND SHIT SO I COULDN'T TELL. BUT THEN THAT FREAKY GREEN GUY FROM THAT AWFUL LOCAL BAND SHOWED UP TO DUMP TRASH ON THE ISLAND AND FOUND HER, AND I GUESS HE MUST'VE WATCHED MY LITTLE MERMAID A FEW TO MANY TIMES BECAUSE HE BEGAN CRYING AND DECIDED TO TAKE HER HOME TO NURSE BACK TO HEALTH. SO IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW THAT LEAD I SUGGEST SPEAKING WITH THE LEADER OF THE GANGREEN GANG, ACE. THAT IS ALL."

"I see..." said Wind, sctratching her chin. "thank you, Mr. _johnson_ meyer. I'll be in touch. let's go, Mom."

"toodle-loo!" said Wind's Mom and she giggled as she walked away out of the jungle off the island onto the ferry and back onto the beach.

"WIND...?" asked Eldridge Johnson,eyer as Wind was walking away.

"what.?" she asked.

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT? I MEAN, YOU SEEM KIND OF... REALLY STRESSED."

she sighed, her fanny fiasco coming to the forefront of her mind again. "it's nothing."

"WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY I'M SORRY FOR MAKING THINGS DIFFICULT FOR YOU. IF YOU EVER NEED ANY MORE HELP, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO ASK - AND I PROMISE NOT TO ASK FOR ANY FAVORS IN RETURN FROM NOW ON."

_whoa, that is very sweet of him,_ Wind thought, and his kindness spoke to her. before she knew it, she was on her knees and crying into the sand.

"WIND?!" Eldridge asked startled! "WIND, WHAT'S WRONG?!"

"M-Mr. _Johnson_ meyer... I... I..."

"YES?"

"I've been diagnosed... with chlamydia..." she confessed.

"OH WIND, I AM SO SORRY!" he said.

"thank you, but now... _now I will never be able to make love to my beloved boyfriend Decter ever again... and the last time I saw him, I just abandoned him when he was certain for action..._ "

"DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT WIND. HE WILL UNDERSTAND."

"BUT I CAN'T BEAR TO TELL HIM!" Wind cried. "AND NOW THAT I'M SICK, I CAN NEVER HAVE SEX WITH HIM AGAIN TO SAY SORRY!"

"THAT IS A VERY RESPONSIBLE THING FOR YOU TO DO," he said, looking into my eyes, his deep voice pouring over his words like caramel. "MOST PEOPLE WOULD JUST CONTINUE TO SCREW THEIR LOVERS AND INFECT THEM MANY TIMES OVER."

"sniff... really?"

"YES. YOU HAVE A VERY GOOD HEART, MS. WALTER. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT."

"th... thank you, Mr. _Johnson_ meyer..." she said, blushing, looking into his eye holes. she was now standing in front of him and he gingerly wrapped one of his branches around Wind. "you know, I... I never noticed just how strong your branches are..." Wind said.

"THANK YE KINDLY, MISS," said Eldridge, who then winked at her. "ALL THE BETTER TO SUPPORT PRETTY LITTLE TUCHUSES LIKE YOURS."

"ooh!" Wind said and giggled. "you must say that to all the girls."

"NAH. YOU'VE GOT A NICE BUBBLE ON YOU, MA'AM. TOP NOTCH."

Wind leaned into his embrace, feeling relief that she was with someone who wouldn't catch her chlamydia... even if they made love. suddenly all her stress and emotion swirled into a vortex that quickly turned into lust. "you wanna... _check out how it looks outside the box?_ "

he smiled. "I NEVER CAN KEEP ANYTHING IN ITS PACKAGING."

that was good that he was a tree, then, so Wind wouldn't get pregnant. but regardless, she stripped off her clothes, skirt and underpants first, and flung them into Eldirgde's high branches which _really_ turned him on. Eldridge was much older and experienced when it came to pleasuring the ladies so he knew exactly how to caress Wind's body for optimum ecstacy. when she was ready he got his crotch branch out which looked _exactly_ like a human ding-dong, only covered in bark.

"talk about _morning wood,_ " sex-joked Wind and Eldridge was so turned on by it that he dipped her and kissed her immediaetly. carefully so as not to scratch herself, Wind eased down on the tree-weiner and went to town.

"UNGH, YES ELDIRGDE, UGH, YEAH, THAT'S IT!" she screamed out over the island.

Eldridge was also moaning extremely loudly because he was a tree and realized he'd never been with anyone as pretty as Wind. he made sure to enjoy every second.

just then, the bushes across from them parted and instead of seeing a fox standing there they saw DEXTER HIMSELF, STANDING IN SHOCK AND IMMEDIATELY CRYING AT THE SIGHT OF HIS BELOVED IN THE CARNAL EMBRACE OF A TREE.

"WIND!" he cried. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"

"DEXTER?!" Wind shrieked, shocked, but immeidately hit climax by accident so did Eldridge Johnsonmeyer. so Decter had the added misfortune of seeing his beloved _have orgasm not only with a stranger, but with an arboral stranger._ but what he couldn't have known was that Wind reached climax just by looking at him which was really sweet really.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU COULD HAVE SEX WITH A TREE BEHIND MY BACK!" shouted Dexter, tears were running down his face even fatser now.

"Dexter, wait, please, I can explain!" Wind creid, but it was too late.

"I don't want to hear it!" Decter said through his sobs as he ran back out of the jungle and off the ialand. "just leave me and my broken little heart alone!"

Wind clasped her hands to her mouth as her own tears showered down. she had once again hurt the one she loved the most. what could she do now?


	19. Love and Loss

Chapter 18: Love and Loss

Demongo took a long draw off his cigarette, then released a monster cloud of smoke into the air. "pardon me. I normally smoke what you humans call a 'doobie,' but I couldn't pick them up at the grocery store."

"that's fine," I said, layig in bed next to him. I was naked, on account of having sex with him. yes, I'd finally decided to do so. I needed a voice a little higher after making whoopie to Eldirdge _Johnson_ meyer. but his smoking didn't bother me... honesylu it reminded me of Decter's trouble with cigarettes. it was almost endearing if it didn't remind me of how he never wanted to see me again.

"so, are you always so good at sexual intercourse, or did you make it that fun for _me?_ " Demongo flirted and winked at me.

"well..." I said rubbing the back of my neck. "I've actually... gotten a lot of practice from Decter."

"wait, you were having sex with the founder of _Declabs?!_ "

"he was my longtme serious boyfriend," I began, my voice shaking, "and we were almost engaged... then not only did I slap his ass in front of a crowd of three hundred people, but he caught me having sex with a tree and he left me."

"it wasn't for the chalmydia?" asked Demongo. yes don't worry I'd told him I had it but it's not like he was worried about catching anything! though he might've been a vector if he made love to other humans now.

"no... I never got the chance to tell him..." I said and started crying. "but the worst part is, considering when the doctor thinks I contracted it..."

suddenly my phone started ringing. i reached and looked at it. it was a notification that The Gangreen Gang was going to be playing a show at the Townsville Mall! I had to get over there to question Ace!

"oh, uh, I gotta go - I'm on a case to find Buttercup Utonium," I said and jumped off the bed, I didn't have to worry about the blanket because Demongo didn't have one because he couldn't afford one.

"aw, leaving so soon~?" he asked, then gave an insanely seductive smile. "surely there is time for a _round two?_ "

I felt a shiver run up my spine at that smile. it was pretty hot for someone who was only black and blue and his face gave no hints of depth. "eh, sure, why not? not like I could get any sicker..."

* * *

after I left Demongo's place in the Cul-De-Sac, I waddled over to Marquee Row. my clam hurt from Demongo being inside it for so long. it was now gaping open like a can of corn or something. but oh well, sometimes you just have to live with your mistakes.

I know I was.

outside the band shell there were a bunch of green guys in allsorts of different shapes and sizes signing autographs. I never understood the purpose of just having some stranger's signature on hand it kind of disturbed me really but hey to each their own. I walked up to them but I cut in line because I'D HAD ENOUGH GOING ON ALREADY I DIDN'T NEED TO BE STUCK BEHIND DOZENS OF SQUEALING FANGIRLS!

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, OUTTA MY WAY, OUTTA MY WAY ALREADY! COMMANDER WIND WALTER, COMING THROUGH!" I shouted, holding up my ID badge.

the teenagers all looked at me and hustled out of the way because they saw how important I was. Ace and his hideous friends looked at me in annoyance.

"hey, hey, what's the big idea here?!" asked Ace, king crescent-head himself, placing his sickly green hands with long, unkempt fingenails on his hips. "why are you driving away all our adoring fans?"

I shuddered at the sight of his fingernails. they were so unlike Decter's. his were clean... well-manicured... shiny... healthy. unlike me, the four-timing harlot. I bit my lip but the tears showered out of my eyes anyway.

Ace jumped back, startled, and completely unsure of how to handle a crying woman. so Grubber walked up to me and in his own special raspberry language asked, "are you alright Commander Walter?"

" _NO_ " I bellowed. " _MY LIFE HAS BECOME UTTER HELL AND THE FUSIONS DON'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT_ "

"well, maybe we can help-"

"just what is it you want anyway?!" Ace screeched, impatient already.

"I understand you were the last one to see a young woman who looked something like Buttercup Utonium," I said taking a deep breath to get a hold of myself. "I am looking for her. her father is looking for her. her sisters are looking for her. **the entire pokey oaks and townsville areas are looking for her because they miss her and love her so much.** so you'd better tell me where she is, or I will show you what the custard buster can really do."

Ace stared at me in horror but Snake (AKA Sanford) stepped between us to protect his bandmate leader. " _hey! you leave Ace alone, you tramp! get outta here or I'm calling security!_ "

" _fine_ " I spat, turned on my heel, and left. "sheesh, that ugly Sanford guy sure is protective... I guess they're really good friends... or maybe..."

I turned around. Ace had turned around and was signing more autographs. but Snake was behind him, and looking at him with longing, sad eyes.

I gasped. _Snake was in love with Ace, but couldn't tell him!_

" _oh no!_ " I said. the thing I hated the most was people who were too shy to tell others they loved them. well that and wet cheese puffs. " _I gotta help him!_ "

but then I rememberd something else... _I'd promised to help Ben and Vilgax! and I hadn't seen them in days!_

"OH, SHOOT!" I shouted, and jumped on my jetbike to get the heck out of there. "I GOTTA GET TO TOWNSVILLE PARK - I'VE GOT A CRUSH TO HELP!"


	20. An Octopus, a Human, a Chicken Leg Nightmare

Chapter 19: An Octopus, a Human, a Chicken Leg Nightmare

"Whoa, where are we going, Wind?" asked Ben

"I KEEP TELLING YOU TO BE PATIENT JUST A FEW MORE STEPS!" I shouted I just wasn't up for his nonsense right now. but I carefully led a blindfolded and straightjacketed Ben Tennyson through Downtown and into Townsville Park, where Vilgax was happily and nervously sitting on a bench wearing a bowtie and holding a rose that was rapidly wilting from his stress.

"okay, here we are!" I said and removed the straightjacket, then the blindfold.

Ben blinked a few times, then saw Vilgax sitting there like a proper gentlemen or at least like he was ready for prom.

"oh, uh, hi, Vilgax," said Ben and he sat down next to his new alien buddy. "what's going on? and what's with the garb?"

Vilgax looked at me, startled! Ben really didn't realize what was going on here?! "uhh," Vilgax began. looking back at Ben, "w-well, Tennyson, I... I-I have a few things I'd like to say to you..."

"it's not more whining over how many times I kicked your butt, is it?" ben joked, crossing his legs and bringing his hands behind his head.

"uh, heh heh, no," Vilgax stuttered, breathing in Ben's poise like a lovesick man. "it's about... us."

"what? do you not like being friends?"

"no... I mean, yes! I just..." VIlgax looked around wildly, Ben looked at him with a hurt and confused expression, then Vilgax grasped Ben's arms and pulled him close. doing so accidentally doslocated both the human's shoulders and he screamed in pain but Vilgax snapped them back into their sockets and everything was fine. Ben lowered his arms so it wouldn't happen again and Vilgac continued, "T-Tennyson, I am afraid I have developed feelings for you. intense feelings. feelings driven by testosterone that I simply cannot ignore anymore. you are one of the bravest aliens I have ever met, and you have stolen my little Chimera Sui Generis heart." Vilgax leaned in close to Ben. "you have whooped my ass many a time, Ben Tennyson, but I'll give you an even greater victory. _you can have it._ " then he paused for a moment to let it all sink in and after that kissed Ben furiously.

I couldn't help crying tears of joy at the sight. Vilgax had been a total wreck after Ben got his rear probed by that chicken-leg-wielding eyebulb back during the Battle of Heroes Hollowe. I had consoled him or at least tried to in the waiting room while they were piecing Ben's ass back together. he was so hurt and angry that Fuse had hurt his beloved like that. as soon as he could he was at Ben's bedside, comforting him and bringing him smoothies, I even heard he gave him a sponge bath but that could've been just rumor among the nurses.

Vilgax finally let Ben go so they could both breathe. Ben was covered in black lipstick prints. he was dazed and confused. but finally he looked at Vilgax. "Vilgax... I... never knew you felt this way..."

"oh, I _do,_ " Vilgax cried, salty tears running down his octopus face. " _I feel this way so much._ "

" _then give me some sugar, squidsy!_ "

soon they were making out on the bench and I looked away to give them some privacy. trhen the ground started shaking and they both started screaming.

"wow you guys are really having fun!" I said. "think maybe you should take this back to the hosptial or something...?"

no answer. I turned around. THE WHOLE GROUND WAS BUCKLING UNDERNEATH THEM! AND THE BENCH WAS THROWN INTO THE AIR AND THEY WERE BOTH SCREAMING AND PANICKING AND HOLDING ONTO EACH OTHER FOR DEAR LIFE BUT IT WASN'T ENOUGH!

"GUYS!" I called out and grabbed my driehander, things were about to get serious!

suddenly another tremor ran under them and Ben was shaken out of Vilgax's grasp! "BEN!" Vilgax screamed as he helplessly watched his boyfriend fly out of his arms and into the newly-formed abyss below.

"OH FOCK" I shouted angrily, and ran over to where the bench was now laying, it was up on a small hill of newly-churned dirt and grass. "are you okay?!"

"forget about me!" Vilgax said. "whe have to help Ben!"

I helped him up - his legs were both broken, and bending sideways. but like the warlord he was he was taking it like a champ. but still, there was no way he could walk like this.

"Vilgax, you need to rest. you won't be doing any favors for Ben or yourself with your legs snapped like this," I said.

"but... I have to help him... have to help Ben..." Vilgax slurred, the adrenaline was wearing off.

"don't worry, I'll go find him," I said and gave him a hug. he squished in my embrace. "and I'm going to call an ambulance. don't worry, everything will be fine."

he cried and thanked me, but then immediately passed out from the pain. I dialed the hospital (we were on a first-name basis by now good gravy) and told them to bring an ambulance by the park, then ran up to the huge pit in the middle of the park. well acutally right now it _was_ the park. I couldn't see Ben, but I could hear screams of terror from deep inside.

"goin' down," I said, and jumped in.

there were lots of floating platfors in here and I brought out my rocket nano to help jump along them... which just so happened to be Decter. I swore and covered my face, unable to look at him. the pain of losing my dear crimson-haired genius was too much.

" _darn it..._ " I said and sank to my nees. I'd never see Decter again. hold him in my arms. make love to him. and it was all my fault.

"what is wrong, Wind?" asked my nano.

"not right now, Dexter," I said, weeping even harder when I said his name. "I... I just can't..."

my nano suddenly flew down and touched my shoulder. "he still loves you, you know."

blinking, I turned to look at him. "how could you know that?"

"well, duh. I _am_ his nano."

"true..." I said, sniffling. nano Dexter sat on my shoulder as I regained my composure. "it's just... even _if_ he forgives me for making love to a _frigging tree,_ he'll still never be able to dine on my fine finnan haddie again thanks to my chlamydia... _so we're still done for..._ "

"is that all he means to you? just someone to make love to?" my nano asked.

"no! of course not!"

"then this shouldn't be on your mind."

I froze. he was right. entirely right. "oh... oh, no... nano Decter... you're so completely right!"

"of course I am," he said matter-of-factly. "I am the nano of the greatest genius to ever live behind Einstein."

"oh, thank you, nano Dexter!" I said and hugged him tightly. "if and when Decter and I get back together, I will name you as our firstborn son."

"thank you," he said, "now I must return to your nanocom as I am out of stamina. good day."

then he vanished just as I reached for my bottle of nano potion. "wait, _wait... DARN IT!_ " I shouted because I was too late, and threw the bottel against the pit wall where it shattered and expensive potion rained down everywhere.

but angry as I was, I had to shake it off - Ben's screaming was much closer now!

I jumped down the rest of the way, shattering my ankles in the process but there he was, Ben was trapped in a puddle of fusion matter and was being attacked by none other than Fusion Ben!

"I'LL SAVE YOU BEN!" I shouted, and lunged for the Fusion with my dreihander ready. letting out a loud war cry, I cliced the fusion in halves, and its top half slid off and onto the ground with a sickening plop.

"eugh, gross!" I said, then rushed to Ben's side. he was muddy and pale and emaciated. "Ben, are you alright?"

"BEHIND YOU!" he shrieked, and I turned. Fusion ben was reforming himself!

"OH, _**NO!**_ " I shouted, and held onto dear life onto Ben. we knew this was it. we weren't going to make it.

"not if I can help it!" shouted another voice, and two sets of feet fell down into the abyss!

there, not six feet away, were Vilgax and... _Decter!_

"Decter?!" I asked, startled.

he just stared at me with an angry look on his face, but maybe that was because of the Fusion...? a girl can hope.

Vilgax was a real trooper and despite the fact that his legs were _still_ broken and he was waddling about on his knees, he brought his hand up and sliced through Fusion Ben with his sharp fingernails, followed by Dexter bashing the living daylights out of it until it finally died thank goodness.

Ben screamed loudly in my arms from the ordeal and fainted. the poor man, he'd been through too much lately, cruel war. Vilgax ran to him and I handed him over and he cried over Ben's corpse.

"I'll call in an ambulance for you both," said Decter and he opened up his flip phone and dialed 911.

"D... Decter..." I began, looking up at him from the ground. "oyu... came to rescue me?"

he looked at me, his expression blank at first, then he slowly smiled. "Wind... we have a lot to talk about."


	21. The Whole Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everybody! i hope you';re all doing well. i finally got chap 21 cleaned up for ya'll! sorry about the wait. only there was one thing in the original text I wanted to carry over to FF but it's not working! :'c when Dexter says "small" later on I originally had it in font size 9 (the rest is written in size 12) to make it stand out but apparantly ff doesn't support different font sizes huh thought they did. but i made it bold this time to make it stand out it doesn't really capture the same feel but you gotta do what you gotta do i suppose. if you want you can just imagine it being small if it makes you happy! well julysunicorn out i hope this brings a smile to your day/night/afternoon!

Chapter 20: The Whole Story

we flew back to the hospital and got both Ben AND Vilgax checked in as Vilgax's legs were snapped in half if you recall. he was taking it surprisingly well though,I asked him how he was still smiling and he just said, "because I have Ben. with him, I am unstoppable."

I thought that was very sweet if a little creepy.

Dexter tapped my shoulder and I turned around, it was Dexter.

"h, Wind." he said.

"oh... h-hi, Dexter," I said, nervous after how things had been going for us. "Dexter, listen, I-"

"it's okay," Dexter said, setting his hand on my shoulder "I want to talk all of this over with you. will you join me in the food court?"

"I exhaled a little breath out of relief. but I still kept some in, not only to keep my lungs from collapsing but also because I was still nervous he would break up with me. "uh, yeah, sure...!"

so we walked into the court of foods to court some food. well, no, that sounds pretty disgusting to be honest. (sometimes I have these horrible visons (in batim the term would be horror visions, they're these awful things that I visualize involuntarily they just enter the sanctity of my mind just like that i say. but one of them is Mikey the ninja turtle giving birth to a pizza, I already mentioned that one in another story of mine though I can't remember which, but another is the image of that obese panda from the Kung Fu Panda saga making love to a bowl of ramen. I know, I know, it's horrific. another one is Walter White (Sr.) from Breaking Bad making whoopee to a chocolate cake. so yeah it's horrible and I've spoken with my mom my grandmom a therapist my guidance counselor and even a zookeeper with a background in psychology and they all said I needed more sleep but I don't know it's kind of concerning. :c)

but then I also have struggles with envisioning people eating granola bars in front of clowns. so.

but we went in,Dexter ordered a egg salad sandwich and I ordered a burger and fries. I thought it was kind of odd he ordreed this, he normally stays away form egg salad since it gives him really awful acidic egg farts. but I don't know maybe his stomach was more robust these days?

"here, let's sit down over here," said Dexter, he sat his pretty little ass down at a table.

"uh, okay" I said and sat across from him nervos. "so, uh... what did you want to talk about?"

"well," said Decter, "can we begin with why you were on an uninhabited island having sex with a tree?"

"o" I said, immeidately stiffingen, much like Eldigde _Johnosn_ meyer's treecock, or Decter's own sciencecock when he looks at me. "well... uh..."

"I won't be mad,Wind," Decter said, a tear was rolling down his face. "am I... unable to satisfy you anymore?"

"wha?!" I shrieked! "no Dexter! rhat's not it at all!"

"that's... that's exactly what it is, isn't it?" Decter was crying now, his tears and snot raining over his sandwich it was gross... but he was still my boyfriend and he was suffering. "my cock isn't enough for you anymore. it's too... **small**..."

"no Dexter that's not it!" I cried. "your weaner feels wonderful I've always preferred amaller ones! heck even just the other day Demongo's big fat cockardoodledoo left me with an awful muscle cramp in my-"

"you slept with _Demongo too?!_ " Dexter said, it was too late for me to do anything now his heart was breaking! "Wind! _how could you have done this to me?!_ "

before I could say anything, Dexter shot up from the tabel and ran into the middle of the room. Lazlo was there he was setting up a microphone for that night;s poerty slam. Dexter asked for it and Lazlo said sure thing man! because he saw how upset poor Decter was. :c Decter looked at the guys by the speakers.

"hit it, boys," he said tearfully, and they immediately shot up and put on Cher Lloyd's _Suherpero._

everyone in the room stopped and stared at the young Russian-sounding man performing a girl's pop tune in the middle of the food court, a lot of them thought he sounded horrific but some people cheered hooray! I had actually never heard Dexter sing before and thought he was wonderful. even Adam Young started crying he was in the room too. (I saw him in person once he sounded nothing like his albums., it kind of soured the experience :c). when Dexter finished I ran up to the stage, cyring, bright sparkling tears rolled down my cheeks as the sunlight shone on my twinkling yellow eyes.

"I only slept with them because I thought you would never wanr me back Dexter!" I cried, then couldn't help but slump in defeat. "and because... _I have chlamydia._ "

Decter's head shot up and he looked at me in fear. or maybe shock. "... _what?_ "

"I was... I was diagnosed with Chlamydia by Dr. Him the other day," I esplained.

"chlamydia..." Dexter's eyes bell back to the table. "oh... oh, Wind..."

"yes," I said, sniffling, my own tears filling up my vision. "but, that's not all..."

"... what is it, Windfall?" asked Decter.

"well... considering the time period when I got it..." I began,

suddenly Grantpa Mac came running into the fuud court real fast woah I didn't think he was capable of moving so quickly he's just so fat and old! "everyone! come quick! something terrible is happening outside!" he screamed!

everyone got up screaming and panicking and flooding to the fire exit. Decter and I were right there with them. as we pushed up against the bulging crowd stuck in the doorway, we looked at each other in uncertainty - of what was going on, and what was going to happen to us.


	22. Legal Adult

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there everyone! c: So one of my friends Geranium heard I was taking requests for one-shots during this awful Covid-19 and she said all she wanted was another chapter of Windfall, said she reads it at night after a long day she said it helps her unwind. c: aw she is so sweet! Here you are gurl! Hope you enjoy and are sleeping well. And I hope everyone reading is doing well and staying healthy and safe. I see a lot of visits to my stories lately I can only hope they are providing you with some amount of comfort during this scary time. I know some people laugh at my stories (heck I laugh at some of my writing too) and that's perfectly okay, I encourage you to laugh. we need more laughter and happiness in the world especially now. If my stories do nothing other than make you laugh then I consider it a success and I'm just happy i could make you happy. Well wishes and blessings! c:

Chapter 21: Legal Adult

Everyone made it outside safely, and looked up at the sky. I gasped, then screamed "OMG!"

The Moon was hurtling towards Earth. Everyone panicked there was nothing we could do but run! Thankfully we were safe over here but a few miles into the distance the Moon's shadow started to grow across the land. People ran screaming for their lives, but there was one guy who got his shoe stuck under his truck he couldn't move!  
"Eh?!" he asked he was an old man he was slow to catch on to what was happening, then he looked skyward to find the source of the rapidly-growing shadow and screamed! "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

People were screaning, "Run away, run away!" but he couldn't! He wsa stuck! The seconds ticked down in Decter's head, calculating the velocity of the moon and how many miles were left before it struck Earth... and the poor man.

"Can we still save him, Dexter?!" I asked.

Dexter looked at me with sadness, and turned me around so I wouldn't have to witness what was about to happen. "I'm sorry, Wind."

The old man struggled with his foot for another few seconds before being squashed to bits by the Moonl, his screams snufed out by its surface. The Earth shook violently from the force of the impact and subsequent destruction, we nearly lost our balance and and screamed as we stumbled on our feet it was like some kind of twisted carnival ride.

Once the aftershocks died down, we looked into the distance ot take in the devastation. Buildings and a small park were obliterated in the crash. Homes destroyed. The Fire Department was crushed. And of course, there was that one old man lost. One old man too many.

" _No,_ " I said, falling to my knees in despair. The Moon was lodged in the Earth, it was going to leave a massive crater. How was Earth going to recover from this? How did this even happen?!

* * *

We all gathered at Dexlabs in the conference room, everyone was scared and sweaty and panicked. Drexter tried to calm everyone down by gently waving his arms and saying "Simmer down everybody."

But it didn't work instead it made everyone think of being cooked and eaten by the Fusions or whatever aliens the Moon may had brought to Earth due to the earlier crash and that just made everyone even more scared.

"Ugh," Dexter sighed seeing everyone acting like scared sheep.

"I'll handle this, "I said and whistled through my fingers, spitting across the table but that's okay this was no time to be ladylike! And it got their attention at least so get off my back! "Yo! Listen up peoples! Running around like chickens about to have their heads cut off helps no one!"

Everyone stopped and listened, because I have a very commanding voice. Some people describe it as baritone, btr it's not really baritone, since it's not deap. So I don't know why they call it baritone really, because they want to sound smart? WELL THEY'RE NOT! "Thank you, Wind. Now, to the business at hand"

Some dude in the crowd laughed all deep-like baritone-like when Dexter said "hand" because of his earlier issues with his hands, he lost them both in a tragic helicopter accident if you might recall. Dexter got all red in the face and angry! and pointed to the guy! "ARREST THAT MAN, THROW HIM INTO A RESURRECT 'EM BACKWARDS!"

"NO NO PLEASE!" the man begged but the Dexbots already had him and were dragging him away to die. Upon closer inspection I recognized him as the guy who bullied Dexter and his friends in elementary school for their "funny" accents. "NOOOOOOO!"

"Now that that is over," Dexter grumbled, watching them go through the swinging doors before turding back to the crowd "We have a major clean-up project befor us, and we need to check the Moon for survivors from the KND moonbase. The moon is fairly sizeable as I'm sure you're aware so we'll need a large search party, roughly 50 people at least."

"I volunteer," said Mac from Foster's, and when Bloo didn't raise his flipper he raised it for him. "And so does Bloo."

"Hey! No I don't!" conjured Bloo.

"Yes you do! You need to do something to help the cause, Bloo!" Mac snapped, good for him.

Bloo huffed and folded his arms. " _Fine. Whatever._ "

Still scared from the literal Moon landing, Courage the dog farted, and it sounded like a chicken clucking. Dexter knew he only had about another 30 thirty seconds before the smell hit so he started panicking, but tried to hold it together and read the rest of his announcement. "U-Uh, umm, so w-we need supplies for the search party, granola bars trail mix and the like, and bottled water because we will be out for quite a while-" Dexter started gagging remembering the sound of the fart but I have to admit I really didn't feel sorry for him, I believe he brought this on himself acting like a freakin' dictator sentincing that guy to death like that... but soon the sharp odor of skunk filled the room and I started choking as well. "Cough, and we'll need jackhammers sent to the site so that we can dismantle the Moon after it's been searched, because we can't keep -cough- a giant moon right there in the middle of the city, _oh sweet science can we just go outside and I can finish talking there?!_ " Dexter snapped.

Everyone filed outside and outside Dexter picked up Courage by the neck and began throttling him. "STUPID DOG! YOU MADE ME LOOK BAD BY ASS-QUEEFING IN MY CONFERENCE ROOM!"

"DEXTER!" I snapped, running up to him and prying Courage out of his arms! "HOW DARE YOU ABUSE AN ANIMAL! LET ALONE COURAGE WHO IS SO SWEET AND SNUGGLY SOFT!"

"HE BROKE DISGUSTING DOG WIND IN MY LAB WIND!" he argued!

"HE'S JUST A DOG YOU HALF-WIT HE DOESN'T REALIZE WHAT HE'S DOING!"

"uh, guys, I'm fine, no need to fight-" Courage said but we were both so mad and loud we didn't hear him!

" _HALF-WIT?!_ " Dexter screamed. " _HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY GENIUS WINF! AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THRAUGH!_ "

"YEAH WELL I DO NOT CARE WHAT WE'VE BEEN 'THRAUGH' IF YOU ARE JUST GOING TO ABUSE ANIMALS LIKE SOME FLESH-WEARING SKELETON MANIAC!" I screamed. "IT'S OVER!"

"GOOD!" Dexter screamed. "I'VE BEEN WANTING IT TO BE OVER FOR WEEKS NOW!"

"AND I WANTED IT TO BE OVER EVERY TIME YOU MADE LOVE TO ME WITH YOUR ITSY BITSY FLESH WRENCH!" I screamed.

"IT IS NOT" he screamed, then peeked in his pants, "ITSY BITSY!" he finished blushing _extreme_ vibrantly.

"WELL I GUESS YOU'LL NEED TO CHECK YOUR MATH THERE DEXY BOY!" I screamed and left the scene with Courage in my arms and in my heart, and Dex watching me leave before taking off his shoe and pelting it to the ground in frustration.


	23. Moonday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ya'll. this week has been a soul-crushing disaster. on the 16th, Fusionfall Retro got shut down, and so did Legacy and all of Fusionfall Universe's social media accounts have pretty much been wiped. I won't go into detail here of what happened out of respect for the devs wishes but it's pretty easy to find it yourself with a bit of googling. I've been crying a lot FF meant a lot to me it inspired me in my writing and because of that it was how I met a whole group of friends and we've bonded really close since, we used to play together every weekend and now it's just gone. it's all gone. devs i'm so sorry. i can't imagine the pain you're going through right now, we're all saddened by this, but this was your project and i just feel so bad for you. i hope that all you other players are able to keep in touch with the friends you made thanks to this fantastic project. i was lucky since all my FF friends go to my college with me so we know each other in person and we have each others numbers and everything, but i hope you're all still able to find each other and keep in touch. we're all a lot older now than we were when the original was out and we all have social media and i've even recognized some FFers on here and on YouTube DeviantArt etc so it should be easier but i'll still be crossing my fingers you all can find your friends. i don't know if this is truly the end for fusionfall, my gut says no but that could just be me being naive. but regardless, i wanted to update windfall to honor this wonderful project and all the joy it's brought me. so instead of getting 1 chapter, you're not getting 2, but 3 new chapters tonight. i hope it brings you some amount of happiness. first this awful virus and now we lose fusionfall again. i want to reboot 2020, something went wrong. take care.

Chapter 22: Moonday

"Alright everyone," Dexter called out, "let's get moving, meet up back here if you find anyone, or after two hours."

he turned on the light on his mining hat and began walking up onto the Moon's surface, followed by all of us. I rolled my eyes and grimaced. What an asshole. He didn't need to yell at Courgae or me like that, especially after everything we'd been through. But I guess he just wasn't my boyfriend anymore. :c

I left Courage on the Earth's surface, patting his head and giving him a kiss on that weird bump some dogs have on their heads (I could only assume excess brain was in it) and told him I'd see him later, he wagged his tail and smiled and waved goodbye.

I clambored up onto the Moon's surface, struggling, and Adam Young helped me up. "Thanks," I said,

"No problem!" he said and we walked together across the Moon looking for the K.N.D. members.

"Do you think we'll find anyone?" I asked, looking across the pale craters.

"I hope so, it would be awful if they all died," said Adam looking in the opposite direction. He swallowed nervously his adam's apple bobbing exaggeratedly due to his unsuredness, a bell ringing sound was heard as he did so, then decided to ask Wind what was on his mind. "Uh, Wind, what was Dexter doing singing _Superhero_ in the lunchroom earlier? It was just um really weird."

" _ **Oh,**_ " I said, not wanting to think about that again...

"Oh no I'm sorry!" Adam said regretfully, "I didn't mean to bring up any bad memories..."

"No no, it's okay I guess," I said, then took a deep breath, my own adam's apple wavering as I did so (women can have adam's apples too, isn't that cool? :o ). "Dexter and I had a sort of falling out because I left him before, uh, having sexual relations with him, and he was gravely hurt and I had to explain it's because I have _**chalmydia.**_ "

"Chalmydia?!" Adam repeated shocked. "How long do you have to live?"

"Two years."

"Oh Wind, I'm so sorry," Adam asked genuinely.

"Thank you," I ruptured, tears spilling down my cheeks and down my legs. "But... there's something really bad about it that I needed to talk to Decter about, but now he's being a jerk and I don't want to be near him, but he really needs to know..."

"What's that Wind?" asked Adam concerned.

"It's that-" suddenly my cellphone rangf and I excused myself, as it was my mom on the line and i couldn't just leave her hanging. "Er, hold on Adam, just give me a minute - hi Mom."

"Hi sweetie!" Mom said, "Where are you?!"

"I'm on the Moon right now, it crashed in Downtown and killed at least one, we're trying to find survivers from the K.N.D. Moonbase."

"WHY are you doing that?!"

"MOM!" I shouted. "THESE PEOPLE HAVE FAMILIES! THEY DESERVE TO KNOW IF THEIR LOVED ONES DIED! AND IF THEY HAVEN'T DIED THEY CAN'T JUST STAY HERE PINNED UNDER WRECKAGE WE NEED TO SAVE THEM!"

"But Wind! We need you here!" Mom cried. "Today's your birthday!"

I froze. "Oh, _shit._ I forgot."

"No bad language young lady!" Mom chastised. "That's one of your presents going to the orphanage!"

I wanted _so badly_ to use the _**WORST SWEAR WORD THE WORLD AND MY BRAIN COULD CREATE, CONCEIVED FROM THE MOLECULES OF AIR FROM A GROUP OF FOUL-MOUTHED UNCOUTH INDIVIDUALS ENTERING MY LUNGS AND ACTING AS SPERM RUNNING THROUGH MY BLOODSTREAM AND INTO MY BRAIN WHERE IT LODGED IN THE FOLDS OF SAID BRAIN TO GESTATE THE MOST HORRIBLE CUSS HUMANITY HAS EVER KNOWN,**_ but Adam Young was _right there_ and he's religious so I didn't want to offend him in any way... thne I'd really feel bad... he seemed like a nice bloke. So I just screamed into the phone waving my arms around and kicking violently, "FRICKLE-FRACKLE BUCK-TOOTHED PHONY IN DESIGNER RIPPED LEATHER SHORTS PLASTIC RUBBER SHORTS FIRE ANTS ENTER HINEY HOLE TO RAIN INFLAMMATION ON THE COLON SOFT-SERVE ICE CREAM MAN SIGHS AS HIS LIFE IS WASTED CHOCOLATE LIBRARIAN BURNS DOWN THE CULINARY SECTION PLUSH COUCH CUSHIONS RETAIN THE TEARS OF YOUR ENEMIES TURTLE WAX CASSEROLE VOTED BEST DISH OF AMERICA!" I panted from my outburst, then said weakly, "Alright, I'll be right there."

"Okay Honey see you soon!" said Mom and I hung up.

"I gotta go to my birthday party," I sadly told Adam.

"That's okay, Happy Birthday Wind!" he said chererfully. "Do you want me to go tell Dexter?"

"No, I'll tell him," I said and we trudged over to where Dexter was, by the ruins of the Moonbase. There was blood splattered across the windows and there were human bones outside the door.

"Well, soldiers, something terrible happened in here," Dexter said, preparing the others to go inside. "What lies past these vaulted doors will likely scar you for life, so please take a moment to gird yourselves mentally."

"Dex, I gotta go home," I said raising my hand. "It's my birthday and my Mom wants me to come home for my party."

Dexter's face went red and he glared at me extremely angrily, he snorted steam from his nostrils and the veins on his temples throbbed visibly and audibly. "WIND! YOU CANNPOT JUST LEAVE THIS MISSION NOW! WE ARE ABOUT TO GO INSIDE AND LOOK FOR SURFIFORS!"

"DEXTER YOU MORON I JUST SAID IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I DESERVE TO ENJOY IT INSTEAD OF WASTING IT YANKING CORPSES OFF THE MOON!"

Dexter's veins throbbed so much his lenses shattered. "YOU ARE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO OUR PLANET WIND! I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER MADE LOVE TO YOU!"

"YEAH WELL I ASK MYSELF EVERY DAY HOW I EVER CLIMAXED WITH YOUR MICROSCOPIC TOOL!"

"AND I ASK MYSELF EVERY MINUTE HOW _I_ EVER CLIMAXED IN YOUR GINORMOUS LADY LASAGNA!"

" _AND_ _I_ ASK MYSELF EVERY SECOND HOW I EVER FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU CONSIDERING EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE TO ME!"

Before he coulod respond, I ran away off the surface of the Moon. Adam watched me go, then looked at Decter and the others. "She's really upset... I should go talk to her."

"By all means, Mr. Young," Dexter said, pinching his nose, "you are dismissed for today."

"Thank you, Sir," he said and ran off in the direction I went.

I went back home in Genius Grove, Adam followed me all the way but I didn't see him until I stopped at my party. He was out of breath and on the verge of fainting so we got him some lemonade and he revived, a heart with a +1 on it flew out of his body with a "ding!" sound. "Thanks," he said.

"You're welcome," I said and looked around, all my friends were here. Even my brother was here!

"Double-Double-U!" I cried and ran to my brother, he hugged me and I cried into his chest. "I haven't seen you in ages, I thought you were dead!"

"It was hard getting off campus during the invasion, there were multiple terrafusers around the college," Double-Double-U explained, "but the Powerpuffs saved us and blasted them away so we could leave and I could finally see you again."

"R-Really?" I asked, and turned around, Blossom was there with a present.

"Happy Birthday Wind, she said, handing me the present, it was wrapped in pink heart wrapping paper (the same as the heart background on the credits for PPG) and wrapped with a big red bow that looked like one of Blossom's bows, but it was plastic and not fabric.

"Aw, Blossom," I said, taking it tearfully, "you already brought my brother home, that's enough of a gift."

"It's your birthday, we wanted to shower you with presents," she said smiling, then looked sad. "My sisters wanted to be here, but they're busy fighting the fusion moinsters, but they told me to wish you a happy."

"Please thank them for me."

I will"

Besides Blossom, Adam, Double-Double-U, and our Mom, all my friends were there: Curtis, Rex, Vilgax, Ben, Rook (Ben's partner and off-and-on-again lover) Ace and Belladonna, Ice King was here too with the guinea pig, Courage was also there, Coop was here he was making out with Computress in the lemonade, General Tso was frying chicken on the dance floor (it's a phrase like "cut a rug"), Juniper Lee and Marie Kanker were flirting and everyone was just having a good time.

"May I have this dance?" asked Demongo, I turned around and he was there, he was wearing a bowtie for the occasion and was holding his hand out to me to take, in his other hand he had a teddy bear holding a balloon that said "Happy Birthday Wind!"

"Of course I will!" I said and was about to when the DJ had a heart attack and keeled over the turntable. There was a knife in his back.

"Oh, no!" cried Rex. "We have no music! How are we going to dance now?!"

"This looks like a job for Owl City," said Adam Young dutifully, and he allowed the police to move the body of the deceased DJ before he stepped into the booth and put the headphones on. He started up the music and began playing _Fireflied._

I smiled and clapped, we all did in appreciation it was so sweet of him to do this. Demongo and I ran onto the dancefloor and busted a move, and I was, finally, happy.


	24. Something Went Horribly Wrong?

Chapter 23: Something Went Horribly Wrong?

I woke up in the middle of that night, my room was drafty but that was good since it was FREAKING JULY and it was HOT AS SHIT indoors, so the cool breeze blowing into my room was welcome! But do you know what wasn't welcome? THE FRIGGIN' PRESSURE ON MY BLADDER, THAT'S WHAT WASN'T WELCOME!

I carefully climed out of bed so i didn't disturb demongo, he was asleep next to me and hugging one of my pillows like a teddy bear, guess he had one at home but felt he couldn't bring it to my house because it would be awkward to bring your teddy bear when you're going to have sex. But I had my collection of stuffed unicorns around my bed so he really didn't have to feel self conscious, but it was probably because he hadn't seen my room before and didn't know I still had stuffed toys myself.

That was a good thing that he hadn't invaded my room before, probably. Othwerwise I might have to arrest him (since I'm a Commander in the army I can make a citizen's arrest) but he'd probably be able to get out of prison he's a dmon for crying out loud! But he's been a nice demon so far so he's okay.

I went to the bathrroom, it's the first thing in my morning routine and is very improtant! Never hold in your waste it's bad for you you could go to the hospital! So to avoid going to the hospital (like Ben... and Dexter... and Curtis... and Vilgax... and like nearly everyone in this story), I went to the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet it was cold but I just had to soldier through it. after it was done I got up and tuened around to flush, but what was that?!

The bowl was full of pregnancy tests, and they were now soaked in my pee, and every single frigging one of them was showing a plus.

"DARN IT MOM!" I screamed out, "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THESE THINGS AREN'T MEANT TO BE FLUSHED?!"

"Sorry Honey the trash can was full!" Mom called from downstairs in the kitchen where she was making breakfast.

"UGH," I sighed, then realized what this could mean. " **Wait a minute. Am I pregnant... or is my Mom?** "

I was so scraed I vibrated out of the bathroom (after washing my hands of course, with water _and_ soap, it's very important!) and downstairs. "M-M-Mom?!" I asked. "A-Are you kregnant?!"

"I don't know sweetie," Mom said happily flipping pancakes. "Dr. Holliday said there was a chance at my last exam, you were there you know but you didn't hear, so I bought a box of preganncy tests to check but none of them showed up?"

"OH FOOSH" I said, my chest tightening in dismay. "MOM! YOU GOTTA TAKE ANOTHER ONE! OR I SHOULD! _ONE OF US IS PREGNANT!_ "

"What?!"

"I JUST WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND PISSED ALL OVER THE TESTS AND FREAKING ALL OF THEM ARE POSITIVE NOW AND I DON'T KNOW IF THEY WERE BEFORE BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEE THEM AT FIRST SO WE GOTTA TEST OURSELVES AGAIN BECAUSE ONE OF US IS _SURELY_ PREGNANT I MEAN IT'S EVERY FREAKING TEST THAT'S POSITIVE MOM THERE'S NO FALSE POSITIVE HERE!"

"Oh no!" Mom said. "I used all of the tests to make sure there wasn't a false psoitive and that was the last box at the store, what do we do?!"

"MOM MY LIFE IS JUST BEGINNING I CAN'T HAVE A BABY NOW"

"Honey, calm down," Mom said, "whatever happens, I will be here to support you 100% of the way."

"Sniff... thanks, Mom..."

Just then my cell phone ran, it was Dr. Him. "Hello, Ms. Walter!" he said. "I wanted to give you a call to check in, how have you been since your diagnosis?"

"Every day is an unbearable struggle through the hellscape that has become my life," I replied, "but thank you for checking in Doc that is so sweet of you! But now I'm worried I might be pregnant!"

"I see," siad Dr. Him, "when was the last time you had sex, Ms. Walter? If you don't mind me asking."

"Last night."

"And with whom? Forgive my intrusive questions, but regarding my previous advice to you to refrain from having sex with those who could contract your chlamydia, I wasn't to make sure your partner and you could actually _conceive_ a baby in the first place."

"It was with Demongo the Soulstealer, Sir."

"Demongo, eh?" Him said distastefully, Demongo used to bully him in high school. But they were past that now so he let it go to be the bigger person. "Well, I suppose it is possible for you to have a child with him, but what makes you think you might be pregnant?"

"I peed on a buttload of tests and they all say positive, but I'm not sure if they said positive before I used them, they were all thrown in the toilet you see. It is a long story.

"I see. Well, I do have some good news for you, in this case: if you had sex last night it would still be too soon for a test to come back positive. You have to wait a few days or so."

"Oh really?!" I said jumping for joy! "Yes! Thank you Doc!"

"You're always welcome, Ms. Walter," Dr. Him said smiling at my ethusiasm before turning serious again, "But if this wasn't the first time you'd had sex with him, there's still a chance that they're positive for you."

I froze. " **Oh no.** " I muttered. I _had_ previously had sex with Demongo, after I had sex with Eldridge _Johnson_ meyer. And in that case, the baby could've even been Elridge's! " _Uhh, Doc,_ " I said, my voice shaking, " _n-no, it's not my first time with him... we had sex two days ago, and the day before that I had sex with a tree._ "

"Hmm, well, I don't think you're pegnant with a tree's child."

"BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND DOC!" I cried. "HE'S A _MAGIC_ TREE!"

"You had sex with the Magic Tree in the middle of the K.N.D. Jungle Outpost?!" Dr. Him said I could tell he was startled!

"No!" I said quickly. "It was a taking tree on an island off of Bravo Beach, son of a bitch flirted with my mom before the act too!"

"While that is highly upsetting Ms. Walter and I'm sorry you had to go through that, I still don't think you have to worry. But your earlier encounter with Demongo concerns me. You may be pregnant from your first coitus with him."

"Oh fock, oh fock, what do I do?!" I said, I was panicking now, prancing around and flapping my hands I was so scared, and I was cooling off the pancakes by accident with all my dancing.

"I would recommend taking another test," said Dr. Him.

"But that was the last one we had," I said through my tears. "And the store is fresh out. Must be becsaue of all these teen pregnancies going around."

"Oh! That's not a problem, Ms. Walter!" he said happily. "Didn't you know you could get a pregnancy test at the gynecologist's?"

"I can?!"

"Yes!" Dr. Him flipped through his rolodex "If you come by in about fifteen minutes, I can conduct the test myself."

"Okay, thank you!" I said happily. "I'll eat breakfast and be right over!" I said goodbye and hung up, and shared the news with mom.

"I'll come too," she said, "because what if those tests were pisitive because of _my_ pee instead?"

" _Ew, yuck,_ " I growled, squirming in my seat as Mom set a plate with a fat stack of pancakes on it in front of me. " _My mom having sex..._ "

Demongo came downstairs and joined us, he said good morning to Mom and she gave him some pancakes too and we all ate together but Demongo nearly died because he got syrup on his flame and nearly put it out. Double-Double-U also came down for breakfast but he's in college and his sleep schedule is shit and we were already done and getting ready to leave, he wished us luck and also shuddered at the thought of Mom having sex (which is necessary to become pregnant, so she had to have done it to make the tests positive, and so the thought was disturbing us more and more every minute). (I've always wanted my own children but am too afraid that if I had children my family would never be able to look me in the eye again knowing I'd had sex to make said child. My boyfriend says that doesn't make any sense because every single of them (and us) was made with sex so why should they judge me? But he respects my feelings. But we both want to have children someday, but I guess we'll just have to skip town and take new names if and when it happens.)

So we all drove to the gynecologist's office, me, Mom, and Demongo came along too since there was a chance he was the father. If I wasn't farther along. It was possible my theoretical child was Decter's... or even Curtis's. My life was quickly turning into freaking Mamma Mia!.

We got out og the car in the OBGYN parking lot and went inside. Only one way to learn the truth...


	25. Back at the Gynecologist's

Chapter 24: Back at the Gynecologist's

We went inside all dramatically, since we were all scared. I gravely approached the front desk.

"My name is Wind Walter, I am here for a pregnancy test," I said.

"Okay dear," said the receptionist, "could you sit down you will be called in shortly?"

"Thank you," I said monotonously and the three of us sat down in the waiting area. Everyone else was pretty calm which contrasted our collective stress. One guy was even eating salt and vinegar potato chips but at least Demongo was level-headed enough to ask for some. He dealt with stress and fear differently and smiled when the guy was generous enough to give him a handful and tell him that if he wanted more, all he needed to do was ask. Demongo shared the chips with us and we stress-snacked to try and calm our nerves, it didn't work.

I couldn't be pregnant. I'd just celebrated my 21st birthday. I worked for the Dexlabs army and though I had a steady, beefy paycheck of taros I needed it for my own college tuition, I wasn't as academically inclined as my brother and didn't have the benefit of a shitload of scholarships and grants to carry my possibly-expecting ass through school. I didn't have a house I'd been crashing at the hospital since this horrible war started. And I was spending all my time fighting Fusions and Fusion Monsters I didn't have the time to care for a baby and couldn't foist this child on my mother, I guess there was also abortion but I didn't want to do that either since I kind of liked the idea of passing on my genes and wanted a half-Wind baby in the world. Then there was adoption but have you even watched Little Orphan Annie?! I didn't want my child to have the _hard-knock life, for us, its the hard-knock life, for them, 'steada treated, they get tricked, with the knowledge their mom, got down and fricked. It's the hard-knock life. How'm I gonna tell his folks, everyone'll think I'm a hard-knock ho. It's the hard-knock life, in me, he gave a real hard-knock, to me, I just wanted to have some fun, shoulda kept his wiener in my buns._

_It's the hard-knock life_

The door opened, Dr. Him was stanfing in it. "Ms. Walter? You can come back now."

I got up and Mom said "Hello Dr. Him! I need to have a test done too"

"Not a problem Mrs. Walter, I'll see you after I take care of your daughter, alright?"

"Yes that is fine!"

So I followed Dr. Him behind the scenes of the gynecology office, down a dark hallway there were all these big giant scary machines and I saw red eyes peeking at me from behind one. I was scared but followed him. Right before a flesh-eating monster could jump out of the shadows and devour me he gave me a plastic cup. "Here you go Ms. Walter, the bathroom is right over there, please urinate in the cup so I can test it."

"Th-thanks," I said and bolted into the bathroom, the flesh-eating monster sighed in irritation that it couldn't eat me.

I was so stressed it took half an hour for the tiniest drop of pee to come out but Dr. Him was patient (heh) and accepted my miniscule offering when I left the bathroom. He put it into his centrifuge and looked at the contents under a microscope as they spun.

"It's going to take a while for the results to come in, could you send your mother back here so I can get her sample? Then I can give you both your results when they're finished," said Dr. Him.

"Sure," I said and did as I was told as I was afraid I'd suffer the consequences from that flesh-eating monster I mentioned earlier. So Mom went and wizzed in a cup too and gave it to Dr. Him then came back out, and I asked her if she'd seen the flesh-eating monster.

"No? What monster?" she asked.

" _N-Nevermind_ " I said, shaking in fear and turning away.

We waited for four hours my ass got numb in the chair. Demongo offered to "massage" it for me in the broom closet and I accepted, we asked for protection at the front desk first just in case I wasn't pregnant because I didn't want to be! So after buckin' and truckin' for half an hour we came back just in time for Dr. Him to reenter the waiting room with a big smile on his face and a report in his claw.

"Ms. & Mrs. Walter, I have your reports right here!" he said happily. "Will you both kindly join me in my office?"

We got up and followed him, my Mom was jolly as usual, but I was a nervous wreck. Demongo came was me and squeezed my shoulder to offer some comfort. We entered Dr. Him's office - the same one where he'd broken the news to my about my chlamydia - and smiled at me.

"Ms. Walter," he said, "you are not pregnant. No need to worry, just be more careful next time to avoid scares."

"Yes!' I cheered, pumping my fists in the air. "My uterus is vacant!"

"On the other claw," he said, turning to my Mom, "Mrs. Walter, you are expecting a child! Congratulations!"

"WHAT THE FOCK?!" I screamed, and looked at my mom in shock. "MOM! WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Oh wow!" Mom said joyfully. "I'm going to be a mom for the fourth time!"

"You're almost a month along, so it will be a while before you meet your new child, but what I found most interesting was the chemicals in your urine."

"What about them?" Mom asked.

"Normally a pregnancy test checks for hCG, or human chorionic gonadotropin, a hormone found in the gonads after having productive sex. While I did find hCG, I also found another hromone typically found in a certain geographical range of demon... specifically, _Japanese demons._ "

"Wh-What are you saying?!" Dempongo asked, shaking violently in his seat, fear clear on his face.

Dr. Him smiled smugly, and leaned across his desk to hiss at him from between his teeth, "It means... _you're_ the father of Mrs. Walter's baby, Demongo."


	26. What the Hell, Demongo?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys. hope you're still doing well. my classmates wanted to take a break from suggesting new one shots and all voted to see more Windfall in the wake of FFR's closing. even the ones who didn't play Retro. They're all so sweer, I'm very lucky to have classmates like them in the first place, and readers like you. it just feels like one bad thing after another keeps happening and I worry every day about getting sick and bringing it to my family. FFR provided a bit of an escape so my friends and I could play together without swapping germs but well... there are other games to play of course but that one just meant a lot to us you know? anyway... i hope you're all doing well during these virus days. some counties are now not allowing people to go shopping withput wearing masks, so bring yours just in case. i've heard you're not supposed to reuse masks too? i realized that's going to add up to a lot of waste and that's just not good. so i'm in the process of helping my mom and older brother make washable mesks for the entire family. cuts down on paper waste, reusable, and a fun craft to keep us occupied! if you have the time, too, you can make some to donate to hospitals to help our doctors and nurses (you might want to call the hospital first to ask if you can though). well, goodbye for now, be safe.

Chapter 25: What the Hell, Demongo?!

"B-B-But this cannot be!" Demongo argued, rapidly becoming hysterical. "I mean look at me! I've got no prostate! How could I possibly impregnante _anyone?!_ "

"But what was that goop that sprayed out when _we_ had sex?" asked Mom.

"Essence!" Demongo answered happily, finding his own psyhiology interesting for a moment before his expression fell again and he got more scared. "But that's just old soul goo! It can't do anything! Going by that logic your baby could've been sired by any one of my souls!"

"Not this time, Demongo," Dr. Him said, rubbing it in poor Demmy-boy's face. "This chemical is entirely Japanese soul-eating demon, _such as you are._ "

"Oh, fock," Demongo swore, falling back down into the chair, holding his head as the ramifications of his ramming slowly dawned in his mind.

"I... I think I'm gonna ralph!" I cried, and ran all the way home to vomit as I don't trust public toilets (I hovered over the one at the gynecologist's). You wouldn't find me out there with the toilets.

I got sick, then made myself a peanut butter and banana sandwich to make me feel better so I could get over the thought of Demongo boning my mom. And before he'd been inside _me... that tomcatting mastard._ I was about hlafway through my comfort snack when there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" I asked, I wasn't allowed to open the door for strangers at my house and our door doidn't have a poophole, since we couldn't afford one.

An insane deep voice answered. "It's Dr. Charmcaster, Madame. I'm looking for Dexter Finster?"

I opened the door. There was a super hot hunky man in 1800's wild western clothing standing on the doormat, his white hair was long and his eyes were a lush purple. My heart thudded like a bowling ball hitting some man's junk, but even though I was fresh out of relationships, I just wasn't in the mood to go chasing tail right now.

"C-Can I help you Dr.?!" I asked.

"I certainly hope you can," said Dr. Charmcastwer warmly, smiling warmly. "I'm trying to find Dexter, and was told he was heading the search and rescue team on the Moon, but he wasn't on the Moon when I drove over. I was told you might be able to help me find him, as you are his next of kin."

"Oh," I said, "Well I'm sorry, Doctor. I haven't seen Dexter since yesterday... and it wasn't really on good terms..."

"Oh, please, pardon my ruditity!"

"No no it's okay you did nothing wrong!" I urged. "We just sort of had a really bad breakup and he doesn't want to see me no more."

"I'm terribly sorry Wind. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Uh yeah actually, I've heard from Ben that you make a mean peanut butter cookie, do you think I could borrow the recipe?"

"That recipe is a family heirloom," Dr. Charmcaster said, thinking, "but if you can wait until this weekend, I'll bake you up a batch myself!"

"Oh thank you Doctor!" I said! "In return for your immense kindness I will go over to Dexlabs right away to see if I can find Decter - but um, why did you need to speak with him again? I will need to know as he will likely ask when I get there, I am not on his good side at the moment.

"It's a very sad story, Ma'am," Dr. Charmcaster said, taking off his bowler hat and holding it to his chest. "A young woman died the other day, after bloodily birthing a baby and it was just too much for her, I am afraid. Well we checked, this poor woman was an orpahn and had no family, so we checked her baby's family. And it turns out," he said, "that Dexter is her father. So we need to find him to take care of this helpless little infant."

"Oh no that's terrible!" I shrieked. "That poor woman and that poor little baby!... wait what WHAT DID YOU SAY SHE'S DEXTER'S KID?!"

"That is correct, Ma'am," Dr. Charmcaster said, sad because he didn't want to be the one to tell me this heartwrenching news. "I'm terribly sorry."

"THAT BITCH!" I screamed, dropped my sandwich on the floor, stomped on it while envisioning it was Dexter's nuts, and bolted out the door (but carefully stepped around Dr. Chramcaster because I didn't want to bump into him, he is so sweet!) and ran all the way to Dexlabs, angry, hot tears spilling down my cheeks and filling my shoes.

I reached Dexlabs and let myself inside. "I'm sorry Ma'am the laboratory is closed today!" said one of the Dexbots outside.

"TOO BAD YOU (i had a really awful swear here custom-tailored for the Dexbots but it's so awful and I love the Dexbots they're so cool and sweet I had to take it out I just can't say such a thing about them i'm sorry Dexbots :c )" I screamed and pushed him out of the way, he bumped into one of the mini fences around the gardens around Dexlabs and fell into the waterfall, he thus shorted out (robot death).

I stopemd into the lab, _uh oh, back to the lab again,_ _ **oh no,**_ _back to the lab again,_ _ **i messed up,**_ _back to the lab again,_ _ **sweet Jesus,**_ _back to the lab again._ Dexter was there, he was standing over an operating table and Zim was strapped to it and screaming. I marched over to him and stopped a few feet behind him, he didn't turn around. After a few moments I began tapping my foot, but he still ignored me. Finally I shouted, "DEXTER! WE NEED TO TALK!"

"I'm busy Wind."

"I DON'T CARE! YOU'VE BEEN PHILANDERING BEHIND MY BACK AND I'M GOING TO LET YOU KNOW MY DISPLEARSURE!"

"Go away Wind," he said, turning to adjust the rate on his poking tool before turning back to Zim, "Im busy."

"YOU ARE GOING TO TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW YOU DIMINUTIVE FOCKER, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN GO AROUND AND SCREW EVERYONE YOU MEET BUT WHEN I DO IT I'M AMERICA'S MOST WANTED-"

Suddenly a bluish figure manifested itself halfway out of his pants, it appeared to be wearing a hat and had small, round glasses. It shouted at me "HE SAID HE'S BUSY, GO AWAY!" before disappearing back into his butt.

"... WOT?" I said devolving into a British accent for a moment there (I'm of British descent) out of the sheer absurdity of what just happened. "FINE THEN ASSHOLE!" I said my voice shaking, I mostly said it out of the power of suggestion from what just happened. "I-I'M GONNA GO HOME, AT LEAST I DON'T LEAVE MY KIDS ALL ALONE WITHOUT A FATHER IN THEIR LIVES!"

He didn't answer. As I stepped out of the room, the only sound in the air was that of Zim's screaming.

I went home, that night I was alone, as Double-Double-U was spending the night drinking with friends to celebrate his graduation and Mom was out with Demongo at a hotel to celebrate the pregnancy. I ate raw cookie dough (mmm... _eggy_ ) and browsed the internet on my laptop.

Something was bothering me. That pale bluish that exited Dexter's butt... what the heck was it? It was bothering me, so I searched the web for anything that would give me an answer. Finally I found a question site, and I looked under the paranormal section for anything similar to what I witnessed.

There was a question posted last night from a woman who asked,

'Dear Hannah,

I was cooking mac and cheese when my brother entered the kitchen, he hasn't been acting normal lately and he said in this insane deep voice "WHEN WILL THE FOOD BE READY" he sounded like a frigging demon or something. I said "JEEZ KEVIN CALM DOWN IT'LL BE READY WHEN ITS READY" i didn't think much of his tone I just figured he was hungry so that's why he was upset this time. then suddenly this bluish _thing_ just burst out of his butt it looked nothing like him and it said "DO NOT USE THAT TONE WITH ME MORTAL! HURRY AND FEED THE HOST!" before disappearing back into my bro's butt and he just left like nothing was wrong?! what's going on what's wrong with my brother?!"

Oh no. That sounded exactly like what I'd seen earlier with Dexter! My heart pounding in fear, I looked at the best-rated answer...

"What you saw was a ghost.

Your brother has become possessed by a ghost that is using his body much like a parasite. If this continues for too long (two weeks at max) your brother's personality will be wiped forever, and you will lose him. The ghost will fully possess his body. You need to banish the ghost from him before it is too late."

"I had a feeling it was a ghost!" I said, but then got scared as it sunk in!" Oh no! How am I going to banish the ghost from Dexter's body?! This person didn't say how..."

I jumped out of bed and made for my jetbiek. There was only one person who could help in this situation... then I paused on my bike, since I remembered that Gwen was dead. "Shoot," I said, and rubbed my chin trying to think of anyone else with similar skills. I snapped my fingers! "That's it!"


	27. Holding out for a Hex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys i just realized I probably should've put a notice in a few chapters ago, by this point in the story we're at about 2011-2012 in real time and in those days I'd just started my edgy phase, I swore a lot cause I found it cool (it's not, it doesn't make you cool YOU make yourself cool hon you're awesome just the way you are!) so I just wanted to say now that things get kinda out of hand for a little while. I grew out of it at some point but just be prepared for more cussing down the line, you've probably already noticed an increase in swears in the story, so that's why. I was also really into refereencign my favorite songs in my stories (didn't we all at that age?) so that's why you see a lot of those sprinkled in the recent chapters. lol I look at some of these and think that's not what i'm into at all these days how did I listen to that! :D but I still like Cher Lloyd, she's amazgin!

Chapter 26 Holding out for a Hex

I rode my jetbike over to the hotel where Mom and Demongo were staying, ran past the front desk screaming that I was dealing with a ghost situation at home and _needed_ to find my Mom's boyfriend (the receptionist was so nice he just put up his hands and said "okay miss you do whatever you need to!") ran into the elevator, and pressed the fifth floor button repeatedly until the door finally closed, and even then I kept pressing it until I reached the right floor. But that was probably partially because of the slight corpse smell in the elevator that I couldn't place. But I was a Commander in the Dexlasb army I was used to the stench of cadavers. but I ran outta that elevator like a bat out of heck or a baby out of a female bodybuilder. I ran all the way to room #410, screaming the whole time out of fear for what was going on to Decter. I pounded on the door

"MOM ITS WIND LET ME IN I NEED TO SPEAK WITH DEMONGO!"

but there was no answer. Instead the door slowly creaked open I stepped inside. Mom was siting on the floor at the foot of the bed bawling her eyes out. There were dozens of empty pizza boxes (though some had like one slice left), empty beer bottles, empty wine bottles, used syringes, and there was a toppled bong next to mom's crying form. There was a boombox nearby blaring Maroon 5's _Payphone_ but not anymore, mom'd lowered the volume before I got here because she needed to think. The bed was all messy the blankets were everywhere you didn't have to be Dexter to know what went down. I gagged a little in my mouth but approched the _filthy, disgusting bed_ to crouch down beside my mother.

"Mom what happened in here?!" I asked. Then the horror at the scene sunk in and I went slightly off topic to ask, "WHAT THE HELL ARE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS DOING HERE YOU'RE PREGNANT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?!"

"It's okay Wind, I ate plenty of sponge cake before taking them we'll be fine"

"UGH THAT ISN'T HOW IT WORKS MOM!" O cried, ugh I had to go through this all the time with her. But anyway "BUT ANYWAY, WHERE'S DEMONGO I NEED TO TALK TO HIM DEPSERATELY! DEXTER IS OIN DANGER!"

"He... he's left me, Wind," Mom said before collapsing into a waterfall of tears again.

"Wait... what?" I asked trying to comfort my mother.

"He realized he didn't want to be a father Wind, and he left me, he packed his bag and ran."

"THAT SON OF A DEMON!" I snapped. "I'm so sorry, Mom. He's no good for you, he's an anus and you have to forget about him!"

"BUT I CAN'T WIND!" Mom walied. "I HAVE FINALLY FOUND TRUE LOVE! HOW COULD I POSSIBLY MOVE ON?!"

"BY FINDING A BETTER MAN THAT'S HOW!"

"HE WAS THE BEST MAN IN THE WORLD"

"WELL OBVIOUSLY NOT IF HE LEFT YOU HERE IN A HOTEL ROOM TURNED DRUG DEN!"

"DID SOMEONE SAY DRUG DEN?!" asked a cop who broke down the door with a few other officer,s they were listening in the whole time. "A-HA! JUST AS I THOUGHT!"

We were arrested and hauled outside in handcuffs. That is until I explained who I was and they let me go, but couldn't let Mom go because she wasn't in the military! "Oh please, Sirs, can't you let er go?! it's not her fault, her boyfriend dumped her here, and she's pregnant!"

"That depends," said the officer holding my mom he turned to my mom, "did you have any of the drugs in there?"

Mom looked away, embarrassed. "Well, I _did_ have a few hits on the bong..."

"MOM!" I shouted.

"Is that all?" asked the officer.

"... no, sir

" _MOM!_ "

"I'm sorry, Commander Walter," said the officer as he loaded my mom into his squarfcar, "I have no choice but to bring her in. I'll call you later with a trial date and the name of the prison."

"well... okay, officer..." I said, and watched as my mother waved to me through the tinted window before being driven away to her new home. Her new stony, cold and lonesome home.

I suddenly remembered I needed Demonko's help but he had skipped down. "BLUEBERRIES ON RICE," I G-rated swore, since there were still a few cops around crossig off the hotel with crime scene tape. I couldn't use harsh language in front of our men and women in blue that was disrespectufl, but aslo I was worried if there was a new law I hadn't heard of yet where you couldn't swear in public and they would've thrown me in the slammer right next to my mom. "But if Gwen's dead and Demongo's out of town, who can I ask for help?!"

"Did you say, someone's deda?" asked one of the officers but I'd heard her and run away from the scene before she could turn around and interrogate/arrest/sentence to death me.

I raced my hoverbike through the dark, lamplit streets of Downtown, my radio tuned to the 80s alternative station. I glared at Planet F as Tears for Fears sang "Everybody wants to rule the world." (though if this were the Doctor singing, and it's possible since he's also British, it would sounds more like "Evreybaudey wants tew rouwal tha wourald") Tears slipped down my cheeks and general face from how upset I was at this invasion. It seems like it was only a week ago that this horrible thing started, and maybe it had been, since time goes by fast when you're stressed. This awful planet had stolen my boyfriends, my vaginal health, and my own mom. I pulled over at the overlook of Bravo Beack and screamed at the sky, "WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME, FUSE?!"

This woke up the nearby neighbors and they started cussing blue streaks so I zoomed outta there man. "Well," I said, trying to focus on helping Decter since I certainly couldn't help my mom, "who else could help in a spiritual way?... OF COURSE!" I screeched, and hard-braked my jetbike, which also screeched. I turned north, and made for the Wilds, Downtown and the Suburbs blending into colorful blurs as I sped through the quiet, vacant streets.

I skidded to a halt inside the gigantic doors to the Devil's Bluff outpost, sheesh Peach Creek thinks it's all that with those giant Planks outside but this place is where it's at! Everyone in town seemed to be asleep, no one was in sight and all the lights were out in the houses.

I ran to the one that had a fire pit smelling of sage and banged on the animal hide doorflap. "MR. HEX! PLEASE! WAKE UP! THIS IS COMMANDER WINIFRED WALTER, I NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE IMMEDIATELY!" I screamed into the night, it echoed off the walls of the canyon amplifying the sound.

In the middle of my rant a candle was lit inside the house and I heard heavy footsteps nd hushed cursing. Hex pulled the flap away and whispered sharply, " _WHAT?!_ " His hair was up in curlers and he had a green face mask to cleanse and detoxify his pores after a long day of wearing all that makeup.

"SIR MY BOYFRIEND HAS-"

I was interrupted as I noticed _all_ the lights in the outpost were now on and people were either yelling at me to shut up, or slowly exiting their homes with weapons raised. "oh crud, i didn't think i was that loud..."

"SIGH... COME INSIDE, MS. WALTER," said Hex, stepping over. "AT LEAST IF YOU'RE MY GUEST, THEY CAN'T KILL YOU UNTIL YOU LEAVE."

So I went in, everyone automatically went back to their homes. I sat down in Hex's tent, he had a tiny fire inside going for warmth during the night because the desert freezes at midnight, and he had a bag of marshmallows and a box of graham crackers next to it, and an unwrapped bar of chocolate. The whole tent smelled of patchouli.

Hex plopped his arcane ass down on the log seat across from me, and offered me some smore fixins. "CARE FOR SOME?"

"No thank you," I said quivering, "I'm too stressed."

He made something of a grunting noise and set the ingredients aside. "SO THEN, MS. WALTER, _WHY ON EARTH DID YOU COME HOOTING AND HOLLERING ONTO MY DOORSTEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?!_ "

I jumped in fear as I saw a Fusion Blowfish waddle past the window. "W-Well, you see, Sir, I'm afraid my boyfriend's body is..." I hesitated a moment, scared to utter the words but forced myself to anyway. "... _haunted._ "

Hex nodded gravely, but I was sure I detected the tiniest ounce of fear behind his dark eyes. "THIS IS VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS, MS. WALTER."

"I know," I said, "but everyone else who could help is either dead or has skipped town after impregnating my mom, and you were the only one I could turn to. You deal with intense rituals and cleansings all the time, don't you?"

"I DON'T REALLY PRACTICE _CLEANSINGS,_ COMMANDER," Hex said, raising a brow at me. "I'M THE ONE WHO CASTS WHAT _REQUIRES_ THE CLEANSING."

"I understand that Sir, but please, this is urgent." I took a deap breath. "The world may be in danger if we don't do something."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT IS ALREADY IN GRAVE DANGER."

"It's about Dexter Finster, Sir," I said. "He's haunted, and if this ghost takes over, we'll lose the greatest mind we have, and likely, the whole war."

Hex's eyes widened as he heard my explanation. "I SEE..." he said, taking a moment to think this all over. "YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, MS. WALTER, IF I PERFORM A BENEFICIAL RITUAL... IT WILL GREATLY AFFECT MY REPUTATION AMONGST OTHER PRACTITIONERS OF THE DARK ARTS."

"I understand," I said, "and I'm willing to pay you whatever you deem ncessary to compensate for the defamation of your name."

"HMM..." Hex thought, then said, "HOW ABOUT YOU SHOW ME AROUND YOUR BACKYARD?"

"Well there's really not much to see I mean the grass needs to be mowed but I've had other things on my plate-"

"THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT."

"Oh!" I said, understanding now. "Yeah, sure, I guess? I mean I've already slept with Demongo, my self-respect is already destroyed."

"WELL I WILL MAKE IT MY MISSION TO MAKE YOU FEEL BEAUTIUFL," said Hex happily, and he put out his arm and I took it and we smiled at each other.

"That sounds like fun," I said, "but it'll have to wait until Dexter's cured."

Hex stammered, "ER, RIGHT, OF COURSE."


	28. Cactus Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo homies, it's another chap of windfall for you. c: EDIT: oops somehow a few lines in the beginning were lost when I copied it over from the original doc?! it's really weird, never had that happen before.. but now the lines referencing Courage's disablity are there. it was important for the plot to tie everything together so im embarrassed it got lost but better late than never i guess.

Chapter 27: Cactus Days

Hex and I left his tent house, only to be surrounded by angry villagers with torches and pitchforks.

"QUICK, IN HERE!" Hex demanded, hurrying me over to his pickup truck. We got inside and he sped outta Devil's Bluff, all his neighbors shouting and cursing at me.

We drve out to Tech Square, it was a tense car ride but Hex turned on the radio for me. As soon he I did though Michael Jackson's _Thriller_ came on and we both just sat in uncomfortable silence as the song played, extremely unnerved since it was 11:45 at night and we were on our way to save my (ex?)boyfriend.

"SO YOUR BOYFRIEND IS MANDARK, YES?" asked Hex to try and break the uncomfortable silence.

"No," I corrected quickly, I didn;t even want to think about dating Mandark gross. "My bogfriend is Dexter."

"HMM... I ACTUALLY SPOKE WITH HIM RECENTLY."

"You did?!" I asked surprised?! "what did he say?!"

"HE MOSTLY YELLED AT ME FOR BANISHING HIS RECTUM TO ANOTHER DIMENSION," Hex said and laughed, the sick bastard!

"What? How could you have done that Hex?!" I argued.

"I WILL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD HIM," Hex said rolling his eyes, "HE WILL BE JUST FINE LIVING WITHOUT ONE. THE PINK DOG, COURAGE, LACKS ONE AS WELL."

"no he won't people need buttholes to survive you-" I was about to deck him in the face despite the fact that he was driving but what he said stopped me. "Wait... you told him that Courage doesn't have a hiney hle?"

"YES THAT IS WHAT I JUST SAID MS. WALTER."

"But then... if you told him this... why did he go postal on Courage for farting in the Dexlabs conference room?" I started shaking, and crying. "Why would he blame courage if he knew he couldn't fart in the first place?!"

"OH... I AM AFRAID IT IS LIKELY THE GHOST THAT CAUSED THE BEHAVIOR YOU WITNESSED."

I sniffled. "I should've known. I should've looked at Courage's behind to see if he actually _could_ pass gas. I've... I've failed you, Dexter..."

"I AM SURE HE WILL BE FINE, WIND," said Hex, he didn't believe it though he was just saying that to comfort me.

"I don't" I said. "I think he's going to die. I think he's going to be taken over by this awful ghost, or whatever it is, and then he'll die and the ghost won't be able to keep his body anyway 'cause it's a ghost, it can't keep a human body functioning on its own."

"PESSISMISM WILL GET YOU NOWHERE, MS. WALTER,"

"AND HOW ON EARTH CAN I BE AN OPTIMIST WITH EVERYTHING I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH?!" I shouted, hot tears raining from my eyes. "I LOSE MY JOB, I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR MY BOSS' DEATH, I LOSE TWO BOYFRIENDS IN THE SPAN OF WEEKS, MY BROTHER WAS HELD HOSTAGE ON HIS OWN CAMPUS, MY FRIEND REX WAS VAPORIZED BEFORE MY VERY EYES, I HAD A FREAKY SCIENTIST INTRODUCE HIMSELF TO ME THREE TIMES, I SCREWED A TREE THAT FLIRTED WITH MY MOM, MY MOM IS PREGNANT WITH A HALF-DEMON CHILD THAT WAS FATHERED BY A DEMON I ALSO HAD SEX WITH, THAT TOM-CATTING BASTARD, MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND LEFT HER NOW THAT SHE'S PREGGERS, MY BOYFRIEND HAS A GHOST POSSESSING HIS BODY AND _I HAVE CHLAMYDIA AND ONLY TWO YEARS LEFT TO LIVE!_ "

Hex swerved on the road in shock. "YOU HAVE CHLAMYDIA?!"

"Uh... yeah..."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WHEN I ASKED YOU TO SHOW ME AROUND YOUR BACKYARD?"

"I'm sorry Hex I forgot" "Uh... this doesn't mean you're not going to help Dexter, does it?"

"NO!" Hex said happily. "I KNOW AN OLD FOLK REMEDY FOR CHLAMYDIA, WIND! I CAN CURE YOU!"

"WHOA WAIT WHAT WHAT THE FCOK?!" I said, filled with joy! "Y-You can cure me?!"

"CERTAINLY, MS. WALTER!" Hex said, smiling.

"But how come Dr. Him said there was no cure?!"

"MAINSTREAM DOCTORS NEVER RECOMMEND HOME REMEDIES, THEY'RE ALL ABOUT SCIENCE, NOT SPIRITUALITY. DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST HIM, MS. WALTER. HE PROBABLY HAD SOMEONE CLOSE TO HIM DIE FROM A HOME REMEDY GONE WRONG AND IT'S JUST A VERY PAINFUL SUBJECT FOR HIM."

"Oh."

"ONCE WE SAVE YOUR BOYFRIEND, I'LL PERFORM THE CLEANSING RITUAL ON YOU. YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE."

Slowly, my newly-restored lifespan dawned on me. A broad smile grew on my face. I was going to live! I was going to watch my new baby sibling grow up, and save the world, and possibly go on to marry Dexter and have a family of my own! And I'd finally get to go to college! My entire life was still ahead of me!

"AW, YEAH!" I said, pumping my fists in the air, but I punched Hex's arm and he swerved off the road into a ditch filled with cactuses, the hood of the car crumpled like an accordion or very soft bread and the windshield shattered as dozens upon dozens of cactuses poured into the cab. I screamed, covering my face, thankfully I was wearing my Babycake Tank with the durable gloves so I wasn't harmed. Once the onslaught was over I brought my arms down, taking in the scene. There were cactused all over the dashboard, lodged in the headlights, stuck in the hood, one had even wound up in the trunk huh wonder how that got there. I looked over at Hex.

"Hex? AAAH!" I shrieked, Hex had cactuses stuck all over him, even his face, it looked very painful. There was blood everywhere, even on me. He was still alive; his breathing was shallow.

"Hex?!" I said again, and began plucking the cactuses from his face half so he could speak and half so I could ease his pain.

When I uncovered his face he said, "WIND... I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT..."

"S-Sure you are!" I said, crying. He was suffering so much. "You're going to be fine! Just stay with me, Hex!"

"NO... I'M NOT..." he said, and weakly nodded down. "LOOK."

I looked down at his torso. He'd been impaled by a massive saguaro in the crash. No... there was no way he'd be surviving this.

I bit my lip, overcome with sorrwo. "Hex... I'm so sorry..."

"D... DO NOT BE, WIND," he said, quickly fading away. "I HAD... FUN. PLEASE... TAKE MY STAFF... USE IT TO EXPEL THE EVIL SPIRIT FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BODY. DO IT... FOR ME..."

I reached for the staff on the backseat, and clutched it in my hands, crying hard. "I... I will. I won't let you down."

"I... HAVE FAITH... IN YOU... MS. WALTER... YOU WILL DO... GREAT THINGS..."

"Thank you, Hex," I said, and went to wipe away a tear, but then asked "Wait! What about the cure for my chalmydia?!"

But it was too late.

Hex was already dead.

Overcome with fury, I pounded on the dashborad, crushing the cactuses under my fists like fresh produce, screaming and crying in anguish. I'd been so close. So close to a cure. Now, my only help was dead. My life was just getting worse and worse.

No... I couldn't let this continue. Couldn't let the world keep walking all over me like this. gritting my teeth together in a snarl, I looked up from the cactus mush and into the distance. My luck was going to changre. And I was going to _make it change._


	29. Ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoa hey dudes and dudettes another chapter up today! :D

Capter 28: Ghosts

I drove the pickup out to Tech Square. Of course, before I got there I'd dragged Hex's ice cold, dead body out of the cab and gave him a buneral out in the desert.

"Here lies Hex," I said, biting my lip to keep from crying but it was no use, "best shaman that ever lived. Never hit me with his staff. Never made fun of how huge my sword is. Despite all his knowledge, he died just a rat in a cage. R-RIP."

My tears flowed onto the cactus I placed on his grave because I didn't have any flowers, but my tears caused a beautiful red blossom to bloom. The coyote beside me howled in sorrow and sadness, and I pulled myself away from Hex's graveside and back into the truck. I had to save Dexter, not just for Dexter, but for Hex too - otherwise his death will have been in vain.

I got uot of the truck, it was the middle of the night but I could hear Mandark screaming from within Mandark Industries. I took off my shoe and pelted it at the ugly eyesore of a building.

"KEEP IT DOWN YOU LITTLE BITCH PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" I shouted, but he didn't stop scream.

Sighing in irritation, I left him to his night terrors and continued into Declabs. I pushed my way past the new Dexbot that was there

"HEWAWAWA PIZZA TOPPING" it said it must've been a "refurbished" one.

"OUTTA MY WAY PRICK!" I shuoted and pushed it into the waterfall again, it thus shirted out once more (robot double-death).

I barged into the lab, Detxer was nowhere to be found... and all the lights were off. "Where could he be?" I asked.

"Wind." said a voice behind me.

"ACK!" I shrieked and jumped and turned ouroung! There was Computress, she was floating behind me and her eyes were illuminating the room with green, like a phosphoric fart. "Oh its you computress!"

"Never mind that," said computress in her monotone computer voice, "Wind, I need your assistance urgently. I eblieve there is something very wrong with Sir Dexter."

"Yeah I know," I said, "he's being possessed by a ghost. I got Hex's sytaff I'm here to cure him."

"Ghost?" Computress asked and beeped a couple times. "That does not compute, ghosts are not real."

"YES THEY ARE!" i shouted. "I KNOW WHAT I'VE SEEN THAT WAS A FREAKING SPIRIT THAT CAME OUT OF DEXTER'S BODY TO BACKTALK ME!"

"ghosts do not exist Wind" Computress said steadfastly. "Science disproves their existence."

"ugh whatever" I said. I couldn't argue with Computress, she was a living computer after all, so of course she didn't believe in ghosts. That was okay I couldn't hold it against her. "Can you take me to Dexter Computress? So I can save him?"

"Of course Wind" Computress said sweetly, and hovered off into the hallway, I followed her.

In was dark... and cold. And it smelled bad. Like a gopher, getting caught in a car engine. If I lestened closely I could hear the gopher arguing with the driver. What had happened to Dexlabs while Decter and I were split up? It seemed like he was running the place into the ground... like he had no idea what he was doing.

There were corn crops planted in the hallway as we passed. "What in the fock?" I asked.

"Sir Decter has been planting corn to feed the troops" said Computress "he is quite good at it I do declare"

"Dexter's always hated gardening..." I said as we passed. "hates getting dirt under his fingurnails..."

Finally we reached a pair of vaulted doors. Computress inputted a code into the keypad beside the vaulted doors and Mako said "Code accepted." The vaulteddoors opened and there was Dexter, he was sleeping on a bag of mulch since this was the botany wing.  
" _Dectar!_ " I exclaimed quietly, because Computess put her arm out in front of me.

"Quiet Wind," she said, "you will need to approach him silently."

"Er, right, of course." I said, just like Hex.

This wasn't going to go well.

Like a crane, I crept up to Decter silently, and stood behind him (he was lying on his side.) I swept Hex's cane over his body and chanted lowly. "Oh, great spirits of the canyons beyond this silicon city, cleanse my boyfriend of the evil ghost that plagues him - strip it from his body like the parasite that it is!"

Suddenly Decter turned over and grabbed the staff. " _Shut up, Wind._ "

He yanked the staff and threw me across the room. I hit the wall and slid down like gak. "I heard you and Computrress come in. You won't be removing me from this body so easily."

I looked up. Decter's eyes were glowing red. "H-Holy fock?!"

Then, with a battlecry Decter lunged at me and I got up and dodged, he slammed into the wall clumsy ghost... "COMPUTRESS HELP ME OUT HERE!" I shouted!

"What would you like me to do Wind." she asked. Ugh this was no time to be polite!

But Mandark's screaming came in through the open window again. "DANG IT MANDARK" I screamed out of it, shaking my fist, "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO SHUT UP BEFORE IT GETS THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL YOU REALLY ARE AN IDIOT DESPITE PUFFING YOURSELF UP AS A GENIUS!"

but the screaming never stopped. "Ha ha ha," laughed Decter, "he won't stop screaming anytime soon."

"Ughseriously?!" I asked clamping my hands over my ears. Madnark's scream was like fingernails down a blackboard good grief. "Yes," said Dexter, "i have him strapped to a torture device, I got it as an idea from the host, he will die in approximately one hour."

"wait WHAT?!" I ased! "THAT'S HORRIFIC YOU SON OF A BITCH! FREE HIM RIGHT NOW! HE MIGHT BE STUPID BUT THAT'S NO REASON TO KILL HIM YOU PSYCHO!"

" **NEVER** " Dexter said in a real deep scary voice because the ghost thought I was referring to freeing Decter. He zipped across the room really fast since ghost, and grabbed me by the neck! " **YOU HAVE GOTTEN ON MY NERVES FOR THE LAST TIME MS. WALTER. TONIGHT YOU WILL PERISH.** "

Computress opened the window. "Wind, now." she said!

I grabbed Decter's teeny-tiny waist and flipped him over and out the window, he screamed real deep and menacing as he fell. My neck cracked because he was still holding on as he went out the window and now my head was stuck facing the ceiling. "Ouch, this kinda hurts..."

"We will get you medical attention soon," said Computress, "but right now we need to go outside to the waterfall."

So we went out. There in the water, under the waterfall, was the robot I pushed when I got here, and the rusted body of the one I pushed previously. and a few feet away from them was Decter's corpse, laying face down in the water.

"DECTER?!" I screamed, and knelt down beside him, soaking my skirt but he was more important than fashion okay?!

Suddenly a bluish mist erupted from his back, and floated on the grass netx to us. Dexter pushed himself out of the water and let out a loud gasp!

"Dexter! You're alive!" I said and started crying.

"Wind!" he said, and embraced me, and we kissed in reunion. Computress wiped away a robo-tear as she watched us.

We turned to face the mist - it had now materialized into the shape of a man. An old man. "Forgive me for possessing your boyfriend, Wind," he said as he took his hat off in condolences, his voice was high-pitched and funny. "I just wasn't ready to leave the living world yet. I was upset and afraid."

"Who are you, sir?" I asked.

"My name is Eustace Bagge, I was the sole victim of the moon crash x days ago, along with my truck."

"oh Mr. Bagge, I'm so sorry we couldn't save you!" I said wearily. "I wanted to, but couldn't reach you in time!"

"That is alright. My time was up anyway," said Eustace's ghost, "and now, I must leave. It's time I face what's waiting for me... whether I like it or not." he turned to a portal that opened up beside him, it was red inside and there were flames everywhere and we could hear deep laughter coming through it. well I guess we know where he's headed. "Well, I'm not sure what else I expected. Goodbye, Wind," he said before stepping through, "I enjoyed making love to you." and then he walked through and it closed.

"WHAT WHAT DOES HE MEAN HE ENJOYED MAKING LOVE TO ME?!" I asked, and turned to Dexter who was still in my arms. "WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU REMEMBER?!"

"Uh... didn't I just visit the bathroom?" asked Decter.

"WHICH BATHROOM?!"

"... the one at Prividence?"

"oh shit..." I said in shock. this really did explain everything. Dexter's weird behavior. His odd eating habits. His constant horniness. _He had been possessed by a sex-starved geriatric farmer this whole time._

"Wind... I'm so sorry you had to go through that," said Dexter in my arms.

"What?!" I asked. " _You;re_ the one who was possessed! I'm sorry I didn't pick up on the signs sooner!"

"That's okay Wind!" Dexter said, smiling weakly. "I'm just happy... you came back for me..." and then he fainted in my arms guy's been through a lot lately.

"DEXTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" I screamed into the night.

"He's alright Wind, just comatose," said Computress setting one hand on my shoulder and the other on Dexter's forehead. "We need to get him to the hospital. But first we need to save Mandark from whatever diabolical Rube Goldberg trap Eustace put him in."

"Yikes!" I said carefully dragging Dexter to shore. "Yeah, we better not leave him hanging!"

So we put Dexter in the Dexlabs van and ran over to Mandark Industries, Mandark himself was strapped to a table with a laser slowly cutting up the middle, it was inches INCHES I TELL YOU away from slicing into his Mandork. I tried helping him off the table but he too was very frightened and fainted immediately and crumpled to the floor in a heap. Or maybe that's because his femurs were missing? Anyhoo, we left him there because he's Mandark and because he wasn't in danger anymore he could take care of himself, hurried over to the van to drive Dexter to the hospital... _again._

Except when we got there he was gone! "Where did he go?!" I asked Computress. "He was friggin' unconscious! He couldn't have just waled away!"

"Look," said Computress, she pointed to the sidewalk. There were drag marks leading away from the van.

"GASP!" I said scared! "DEXTER'S BEEN KIDNAPPED!"


	30. Love's Labours Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa hey it's chaptrer 30 already guys! :D there's much more to come... so much more... this is honestly my longest fic. o.o It's kind of scary how long it is but it just sort of worked out that way. And hey I saw someone read all of this a few days ago?! OMG THAT IS SO SWEET OF YOU! seriously it makes my day to see people reading my work! I hope you liked it! c:

Chapter 29: Love's Labours Lost

I sulked out of Dexlabs, tears streaking down my face in the pale light of the full moon overhead. How could I have let this happen. I just exorcised Dexter, and now I had allowed him to be kidnapped right uner my nose.

" _Focking hell,_ " I swore, " _I need a smoke._ " I picked up the pack from the ground (must've fallen off Dexter's corpse when he was dragged off) and ripped one of those babies out and started puffing... then I remembered this was how Dexter lost his hands in the first place.

"SACCHARINE ON A STICK" I shouted angrily, pelting the cigarrette to the ground and stomping on it. I started bawling heavily and Computress flew over to my side.

"Wind, do not get upset. We can still find him." she said strongly.

"Well, wh-where do we start?" I asked.

"Let's follow the drag marks, he couldn't have gone far"

"depends on who took him, Computress..."

So we started on the trail. Thankfully with the bright moonlight I mentioned earlier it was easy to see. the marks continued past Mojo's Volcano and down through Morbucks Towers, veering into Marquee Row and then _seemed_ to stop in the travel hub of Orchid Bay, but apparently the kidnapper just stopped to get some authentic boardwalk caramel corn before turning north and heading back up into Marquee Roe again. We kept following the trail thankfully there were now pieces of popcorn to guide us as well when the drag marks weren't clear.

" _The fiend,_ " I growled, " _snacking while kidnapping an innocent man..._ "

Finally the drag marks ended on a levitating platform that led up to the hub floor of City Station Tower. When we got off the platform, we saw the marks officially ended right in front of the S.C.A.M.P.E.R..

"OH NO!" I screamed, then started crying again I was very upset sheesh!" If Decter's kidnapper escaped via S.C.A.M.P.E.R., we'll never find him!"

"Not so Wind," said Computress, "we just need to speak with the pilot."

I walked and Computress hovered over to the pilot, he was napping in a folding chair next to the S.C.A.M.P.E.R.. "Excuse me, mister." said Computress.

The pilot jumped and snorted, startled by the sudden interruption of his sleep, and he fell backwards and off the Tower. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" After a few seconds there was a tiny "SQUORCH" heard from the ground (it was tiny because we were really high up). We looked over toward the ground, and there was a red puddle forming several stories below...

"... _shit_ " I said. "Computress, he's dead!"

"Oh no..." Computress said, oil tears running down her holographic face, "I... I have broken the first law of robotics...!"

She then hovered quickly away, and I shouted, "Computress, wait!" but she didn't listen she was too upset with herself.

So I had to call the cops and explain what happened, they almost went after Computress but I made it clear she didn't mean it, and she'd been through enough lately. They bagged up the body and gave him a proper burial, I atteneded and left a flower bouquet on the casket as a token of my apology. Then we all went back to City Station.

"Now how will I find Decter..." I asked myself before crying again. "These stupid pilots never keep any records so its not like I can refer to them..."

Double-D was there for the crime scene and ensuing funeral, and he said, "Wind, although the pilot is deceased, you could always station yourself at a travel hub to keep an eye on who's coming and going. Maybe then you'll find a clue, or perhaps the person who abducted Dexter."

I blinked. "Yeah... that would probably work!"

"We would apprecriate another brain at the cul-de-sac," Double-D offered with a smile on his face.

I politely declined. "That's very nice of you, Sir Double-D, but if you don't mind, I think what I really need is a change of scenery."

"Hmm," Double-D tapped his chin, thinking of how he could help. "I've heard the K.N.D. could also really use some help at the Jungle Outpost. The Wilds are getting very infected, and more infection means more monsters, and more monsters mean more people needed to fight them."

"The _Junglke Outpost?_ " I asked, shuddering at the thought of all those mosquitoes... and the leeches... but it _was_ out of the way and I hadn't been out there yet. "Well... if I can find Dexter... I'll do it."

That night I packed my bags, and said goodbye to my brother and left him in charge of the house (Lord have mercy). After that I went to the prison to say goodbye to my mom, I also brought her a cupcake (they didn't allow full cakes because it was too easy to hide a file in them). Mom was shocked to hear of Decter's kidnapping and she wished me luck in finding him and in my new home. Finally I went to the hospital and told all the doctors and nurses I wouldn't be stopping in daily anymore, I was leaving town, then I said goodbye to Ben and Vilgaz - but I couldn't, as they were mid-coitus whoops. So I wrote them a small note and left it at the foot of the bed for them to read when they were done. After I'd said all my goodbyes, I headed into the cul-de-sac to board the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. and fly out to Mt. Blackhead.

My brother came with me and loaded my luggage, I gave him a hug and he told me not to forget to write. Then when I was just stepping into the S.C.A.M.P.E.R., I heard a whimpering behind me. Thinking it was Double-Double-U getting emotional again I turned around, it was Courage instead, but my brother was still dabbing at his eyes with a tissue.

"Where are you going, Wind?" the light crimson canine asked.

"To Mt. Blackhead, Courage. I have to find my boyfriend," I explained.

"Are you... are you leaving me here?" he asked crying.

"Oh, Courage," I said, hurt to see him so sad, "I'm not your owner. You need to go back to her she needs you and probably misses you, she's probably crying herself to sleep every night."

"But I got separated from her," Courgae explained. "She lives out in Nowhere, but I got caught on a guy's jetbike and was dragged all the way out into Downtown, and I'm too scared to go back there alone."

"All aboard!" the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. pilot called out.

My heart went out to the small pink dog as the clock ticked down. "Courage..." I said, trying to think of how I could help? Then my lightbulb hat went off. "Eureka! Courage, how about you come with me - I still need to find Dexter, but when I get the chance, I can take you over to Nowhere and back to your owner!"

"Y-You would do that?!" Courage asked!

"Of course!" I said and hugged him tightly. "You're the sweetest dog ever and you never pooped in my house. I would be happy to help bring you home."

"Yay!" Courage cheered, dancing around on his spindly little legs that unfortunately broke slightly as he bounced so irresponsibly, but he hopped in next to me, we fastened our seatbelts and the pilot pushed a button that shut all the doors. The engine started and we lifted off the ground, away from the world I knew.

Next stop, K.N.D. Jungle Outpost.


	31. Jungle Job

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there readers! got another two chapters of Windfall all ready for ya. Originally I was only goint to publish this chapter but it ends on a cliffhanger that is very upsetting so I cleaned up the chapter after this one as well so no one has to wait in agony to find out what happens. SO
> 
> WARNING: this chapter has an upsetting end.

Chrapter 30: Jungle Job

After a sixteen hour voyage, Courage and I (plus everyone else on the S.C.A.M.P.E.R.) got off the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. and stepped into the Jungle Outpost at Mt. Blackhead. It was certainly a differnet environment than what I'm used to.

There were pudgy toucans singing in the trees, a thick cloud of magic tree pollen in the air, and there was a jaguar prowling around the fence, it sunk its teeth into an operative standing nearby a break in said fence but he fought it off and survived, amazing!

Walking a little farther into the outpost we were spprached by Numbuh 4, he sorta came out of nowhere even though he was walking right in front of us and he scared Courage, who cowered at my feet. "G'Day, Wind! I see you made it to the Outpost safely, and you brought a friend!"

"G'Day to you too, Numbuh 4! and yes, this is Courage, his family lives in the area so I'm going to try and bring him home,"

"Aw, what a nice little doggy," said Numbuh 4, bending down to pet Courage, but Cuorage got real scared and voided his bladder all over himself, it soaked him up to his chest and quite a bit of it got on Numbuh 4 he had to change his hoodie.

"Ah... quite the nervous thing, isn't he..." he said holding back his fury, he knew how upset I was when Decter unleashed his wrath on Courage hm.

"Oh no I'm sorry Numbuh 4!" I said! "Here, let me take care of that for you-"

"No no, that's okay, I've got it," he said, lifting his arms there was dog urine up to his armpits gross. "Here, this is your cabin key," he said handing me a small brown key with a tag on it that said "#225." "It's to the empty cabin in the back. That will be your home while your stationed here."

"Oh, thanks Numbuh 4!" I said and dragged Courage away before he could piss off anyone else. "I'll go find it right now! See ya later!"

I found the cabin, it was facing the rear of the Magic Tree, I was grateful for this, because I was scared of the thought of seeing its face in my window in the middle of the night. I unlocked the cabin and we stepped inside. Immediately a huge blanket of dust bounced on every surface.

"Yuck! How long has this place been empty?!" I asked, looking around, there were also huge spiders that quickly scurried into mouseholes littered throughout the house, and once inside, they ate the mice.

I went into the bathroom there was a chili pepper plant growing out of the toilet. I felt this was a bad sign. After leaving the bathroom I went into the living room, Courage hopped up on the couch as I checked out the tv. "Should still work," I said, before turning the knob and the screen came on. It was one of those charity commercials and Mr. Krabs was there, it was a closeup of his face as he pled to the audience.

"So please, if you have a spare hiney hole, send it to me, Mr. Krabs - also known as Mr. Krabs, the crab who doesn't have one." he then burst into loud tears.

"Oh, shut up. Courage is doing just fine without one, and so is Dexter!" I said, then looked at the ground sadly. "At least, I hope he is..." Seeing the commercial was still on, and Mr. Krabs was _still_ crying, I started turning the channel dial. "Ugh, is this the only focking channel we get?! If I'd known, I never would've come here!"

Courage whimpered from the couch at how upset I was. Embarrassed, I turned the TV off and set down next to him. The thick, cushy blanket of dust was soft and caressed my nether regions and was astoundingly supportive. I gave him a hug and petted him like all dogs like. Well at least most. "There there, Courage. It'll be okay. We'll find Dexter and get you back to your owner, and not necessarily in that order."

"I'm scared Wind" he said and started crying and howling.

"No Courage please don't cry!" I said, I started crying because he was crying, have you ever seen a dog cry?! It's the saddest thing ever. I held him close and rubbed his belly, he eventually fell asleep and so did I, but I didn't realize it until I opened my eyes, I was still petting and thought I was petting his belly but it turned out to be the dust on the couch.

"C... Courage?" I asked, but there was no answer?!

I got up, panicking. This place was no place for a dog he could die out here if not supervised. Where could he have gone?

Then I looked, there, on the ground, there were little dust piles that Courage shook off onto the preexisting dust on the floor (that was also springy underfoot like a nice soft mattress topper), much like a trail of breadcrumbs, only I wouldn't put dust on eggplant parmesan but what do I know maybe some people like that... "Aha! I can follow the dust to find Courage!" And I ran out of the house but had to tiptoe after that to avoid waking everyone in the Outpost up.

As I entered the Magic Tree's field of vision it said, "Good evening, Ms. Walter. You are up late."

"Ugh," I groaned, turning around, "I'm not interested, I've had my fill of tree sex, and I'm not going to blow you."

"Wh-What?!" he said genuinely startled and extremely offended by what I said but he hid the latter because he's nice. "I have no sexual interest in you, and even if I were into humans, I still wouldn't date you, I am gay!"

"Oh!" I said immediately ashamed. "I'm so sorry, Mr. Magic Tree... you see I was strung along by a tree in the past..."

"All is forgiven, Ms. Walter," he said, his voice calming and soothing despite being loud enough to rival a fog horn. "All I wanted was to share information with you on the whereabouts of Courage."

"You've seen him?!" I asked.

"Indeed," he explained, "he left through the front gate about 15 minutes ago. From his direction I believe he was headed for Leakey Lake."

"I know where that is! Thank you so much, Mr. Magic Tree!" I said, and hugged one of his roots, he smiled, then I ran off toward Leakey Lake

It was dark and muggy, and there were mosquitoes everywhere they kept biting my legs, why did I have to wear my Sophomore Skirt? Now my legs were covered in oozing hives but I just kept swatting the mosquitoes couldn't give up I say. I'd been through the mild suburbs and frozen wastelands (as Dr. Him likely did as well when he examined Ice King), I wasn't about to let the jungle break me.

Finally I reached Leakey Lake, it was even muggier and more humid here because of the water. It was like a dark, rank fart was hanging over the place and the smell definitely fit thanks to the rotting plants in the water. I gazed out into the distance... and saw a figure in the middle of the lake.

A small figure.

That was flailing.

Courage was drowning.


	32. Roquefort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a quick note, Wind is a total douchebag in this chapter. I'm not even kidding I don't care that she's my character. I honestly don't remember writing her excuse but it was there in the original document so I guess I did? I think it was to make her edgier and troubled but it failed miserably and i wanted to change it but honestly couldn't think of any other reasoning she would have, so I left it in because having unlikable traits in a character is important, it's bad if they're a completely good/likeable character so here you can see a bit of Wind's darker more selfish side I guess, I still hate her though, even if she is sort of like a daughter to me. I guess that means I wouldn't make a very good parent.

Chapter 31: Roquefort

"COURAGE NO!" I screamed, we had already had a dog abducted during this war, how could we have another drown?!

"HELP!" he cried, helpless as he was too scared to swim. He began swllowing water. "HLELLELP!"

I began panicking by the lakeside much in the style of a sim witnessing a fire, I couldn't get in the water to save him my mom made me promise to take care of my clothes... they weren't cheap and if I dove into that disgusting water my silk pajama tank and shorts would undoubtedly be ruined. I fought with myself about it after all my mom was in prison did a promise to her really matter?! But she was still my mom! What was I going to do?!

Suddenly, a silhouetted dude came surfing behind Courage faster than the speed of light, swooping down and pulling Courage out of the water! I gasped and screamed, who could it have been?! But whoever it was was malevolent, since he brought Courage up to me safely and soundly.

"Oh thank goodness!" I said, taking Courage into my arms and hugging him. "Courage! What were you doing in the middle of the Lake?!"

"I started crying in the middle of the night thinking of my home and I decided to try and go there alone, but I fell off the bridge and into the lake, I am sorry Wind I shouldn't have left." said Courage before he resumed weeping loduly.

Tears in my eyes, I looked up at his rescuer. "Thank-" was all I was able to get out, before being stunned by what greeted my eyes.

This man had luscious, chocolatey-brown locks that were waving in the soft nighttime breeze, and he had sparkling blue eyes that looked at me with kind regard and a strong, tubular jaw. His firm, thin lips parted to say, "Hey there. You should probably keep your dog on a leash, madame."

My heart thudded into my uterus (how funny) when I heard his confident voice, it was a little high, but thankfully not as high as Demongo's and had kind of a waver to it that was really enchanting to listen to. "He's... he's not my dog..." I explained.  
"Oh, are you dog-sitting for someone?"

"Kind of..." I said, my cheeks flushing bright red. "M-My name's Wind Walter... what do they call you?"

He paused for a moment, I thought I saw a flash of fear cross his face, but he soon answered "They call me... Roquefort."

"Oh... that's nice..." I lied, I didn't want to think about moldy, sweaty cheese when looking at the pillows he called his pecs but that was okay, his parents probably hated him. So I decided to spite them. "Th-Thank you for saving Courage, Roquefort."

"It was no problem, Wind," he said, giving me a warm smile as he passed his board (hand-made from paper-mache) from his left hand into his right. "I always try to ehlp those in need."

_My ovaries are in need,_ I thought but shoved that thought back into my colon pipe it wasn't welcome right now! I still had Decter in my life and had to find him! "So, uh, have you seen a short scientist around here lately? He's about this tall, _yes he really is that short,_ _don't give me that look,_ has fluffy red hair and thick-frame black glasses goggles?"

"No, I'm afraid not," he said sadly, "I come out here every night to surf, but I haven't seen anyone who fits that description."

"Oh," I said, disappointed.

"But I'll keep an eye out. I can tell he means a lot to you."

I snapped my head up ouch but smiled at him. "Thank you."

"Of course," he said, flipping his putrid-soaked hair and all the putrid was shaken out of it, it looked even better now oh my gosh... "Goodnight, Ms. Walter. If I don't find your friend, I hope you will."

"Thank you," I said, and after he surfed out of sight, added, "but you can call me Wind."

It didn't do much good since he was already out of earshot but it helped me come to terms with wahat I was feeling. Could this be a crush? No, I couldn't let it! I still had Dexter, out there in the cold, or perhaps in the soggy flatulence-like atmosphere of this place, most likely suffering and wanting donuts, and I couldn't leave him like that! Yet my hormones were screaming... I had to keep myself in check. No more brownies until I'd found Dexter. That would snap me back to reality. (I have kind of a... _problem_ with prownies)

We went back to the Outpost, the tree was sleeping now so I didn't have to worry about my migraine returning from hearing his booming voice. Once inside the cabin we went inside the bedroom, the mattress was there but there were no sheets.

"Darn it, they told me there'd be a whole bedspread," I muttered, and searched around the room and connected closet for it, none was found hm. Under the bed though I found some magazines, I took them out they were copies of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. But they were... sticky.

"WHAT SICK FOCK LIVED HERE LAST?!" I shrieked, not because they were reading JTHM (Jhonen Vasquez rocks!) but because they were _clearly_ jacking off to it. And I don't know oif you've ever read JTHM, but believe me, it is **NOT** what you would use for fantasy fodder. But that's just me.

All the lights in the cabins turned on and my new neighbors started screaming and cussing at me. "Sorry everyone" I said, before turning off my own bedroom light (before remembering there wasn't even one, sheesh what did the guy do take all the furniture?!) and upon noticing there was enough dust on the bed for a makeshift blanket, snuggled up underneath it for my first night's sleep in this strange new place.

Only to dream of Roquefort.


	33. Settling In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew its a good thing this is rated M already things get a little out of hand from here jeez i'm sorry i forgot...

CHAPTAR 32: SETTLING IN

"AAH!" I screamed, jumping out of my dreams but really only out of my bed. My face was flushed as was the rest of my body, and I was sweating and ll the dust was stuck to me gross...

I'd had... _dreams_ last night. _Horrible dreams..._ dreams of making love to Roquefort in all sorts of different, delightful, disturbing, disgusting positions. For hours. I'm a lucid dreamer (I trained myself it was hard but worth it) and was able to live through every secend of the mind-breaking and soul-shattering coitus in my nightmarish dreamscape. The one where he was somehow able to make love to me while I was three feet away and he had his back to me was the one that impressed me the most.

"Fock this shit, I need to take a shower!" I said, a cold shower to the undercarriage always helps in these situations. Only it hurts so proceed with caution.

After showering I went outside, everyone was gathered at the mess for breakfast. There was a sign outside that once said "no dogs allowed," and I was about to break the news to Courage, but someone had spray painted over it because this was war darn it we couldn't keep our actual canine soldiers away from food. We went in. There were dozens of K.N.D. operatives I didn't recognize. Some of them waved hi to me and said good morning, and I returned their gretings. Then, in the back, there was a table at which sat the asses of Numbuhs 4 and 3, Mac from Fosters (!), a freaking mutant eggplant, and finally Zak Saturday and his pet Fiskerton, and attached to them were the bodies of said people.

"Wind!" Numbuh 4 said once he noticed me, then got up and grabbed a microphone off the wall next to the counter. He said, "Everyone, our guest of honor is here! I want you all to give a warm welcome to our newest soldier, Wind Walter!"

Most people clapped, but there was one guy in the back who shouted "YOU ASSHAT I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT!"

"Hello, everyone," I said, shy around so many people.

"Wind, we're all your friends here," Numbuh 4 began, but the guy in the back shouted "I'M NOT", "so if you have any allergies or sensitivities to anything, could you please let us know so we can keep you safe and healthy?"

He handed the microphone to me and I thanked him. "Thank you Numbuh 4 not only for the microphone but also for being concerned with my wellbieng." I turned to the crowd. "I don't have any allergies, but I, sadly, do have chlamydia. Unfortunately, that means a lot of us will not be able to participate in sexual intercours, as I do not want any of you wonderful people to contract my illness. thank you for understanding and remember to get checked regularly, so that you don't end up like me." I handed the microphone back to Numbuh 4.

"Thank you for letting us know, mate," he said, smiling. "Everyone, let's give one more round of applause for Wind, give her a big Jungle Outpost welcome!"

Everyone in the room (except the guy in the back) erupted into clapping, cheers and whoops and hollers. What sweet poeple. When they finished, Numbuh 4 turned to me again.

"Grab some breakfast and come sit with us," he said.

"Sure thing," I said, even though I was _not_ looking forwad to dining with the sentient eggplant that was giving me the creeps at that table, but I was one of the gang now and had to act accordion.

I went up and ordered up some pancakes. Got a little pitcher of syrup to go with them, look at that. Courage got a cowl of wet kibble (he was always given dry at home so this was a treat!) and some orange juice and we sat down with the others.

"Alright, I'd like to introduce you to Numbuh 3," said Numbuh 4, turning to the raven-haired girl beside him.

"You can call me Kuki!" she said happily.

"Pleased to meet you!" I said shaking her sleeve.

"And this is Zak and Fiskerton Saturday, they're kind of like poachers, but they ad their parents rescue scary animals known as cryptids instead of killing them. Then we have Bob O'Ganoosh, the ggplant sitting next to you."

"EEK!" I said, I didn't realize I'd sat right next to him scary...

"HOWDY," he said, his voice was tres deep, like a mad rodeo clown or something.

"H-Howdy," I replied, deeply scared for Courage's and my own wellbeing.

"Finally that's Mac, little ankle biter made it all the way here to search for a friend."

"I thought you looked familiar!" I said and smiled at Mac. "Where's Bloo? Is he the one who's missing?"

"No, he's in City Point mourning the death of Dizzy World," Mac explained. "I signed up to come out here because Coco was last seen in the Wilds, but that was three months ago..."

"Oh, Mac, I'm so sorry!" I said.

"Thank you... I'm just worried the Fusions have her... she has a special ability that would make her very valuable to them..."

I wondered what this "special ability" was I mean she's a bird, what can OH NO... bird = chicken, and chicken = delicious protein, and back during the Battle of Heroes Hollow Ben got that chicken leg shoved up his arse if you recall... I swallowed. It was likely Coco.

"Mac, I-" I began, trying to tell him gently that Coco was probably deceased, but suddenly my cell phone buzzed and I answered it, excusing myself from the table but taking my food with me so I could still eat while I talked. "Hello?"

"Greetings, Ma'am, this is Officer Donut Head," came a voice on the other end. "I'm calling to inform you on our recent findings regarding the disappearance of Sir Dexter's assistant, Computress, as well as details on your mother's case."

"Oh! Yes!" I said, I remembered this officer I saw him at the crime scene at City Station. "What's new sir?"

"In your mother's case, the trial date has been set for next Friday," he explained. Today was Saturday. "You should probably come, she will likely need you for emotional support."

"I'll be there, Officer."

"Next, according to a few vendors on the boardwalk, Computress was last seen hovering wildly across Bravo Beach. We're going to do some more investigating in the area and call you back with whatever we find, but we thought you should know we have some clues."

I sighed in relief. "That does help. Thank you."

"Take care, Ma'am."

He hung up and I went back inside, everyone was gone now except Numbuh 4 who was checking what he had written down on a clipboard. He looked up when I approached the table "Hello, Wind. Everything alright?"

"Yeah," I said, gripping my other arm, "my mom's in jail for abusing drugs and her court date is next week, and the police also wanted to tell me about a tip they got about Computress."

"Oh, Wind, I'm so sorry to hear that about your mom!" Numbuh 4 said, shocked.

"Don't be," I said, "the only thing that surprises me is that it took this long to happen. Her getting arrested, not the drugs I mean, her asshole ex-boyfriend got her using them in the hotel that night.

"That is truly devastating Winf. Was the tip about Computress any good news?"

"yeah, they said she was spotted around Bravo Beach so they're going to do some more searching around there."

"That's good." he got up and set a hand on my shoulder before he left. "Take the day off today to settle in. When your mother's court date is up, I'll be sure to have someone stationed by the S.C.A.M.P.E.R to keep an eye out for Dexter."

I sniffed, smiling. "Thank you, Numbuh 4."

"I believe you've earned the right to call me "Wallabee,"" he said, and patted my shoulder before turning and leaving the mess hall.

* * *

Just as Numbuh 4 recommended, I relaxed today. I met everyone around the Outpost and even made things up to the guy I pissed off by baking him cupcakes phew that would've been rocky otherwise. As I slowly went down the list of people to meet, I realized that not one of them looked, sounded, or behaved like Roquefort (well, that wasn't entirely true, there was one guy who was all skater boy and saying things like "Radical!" and "Whoa hey there dudette!" he was very nice but he was blonde, not to mention shorter than I was when Roquefort was at least two feet taller than me.)

I saw Kuki organizing some Rainbow Monkey hats behind one of the buildings and walked over to her. "Hey, Kuki?"

She jumped and quickly shut the door on the shed housing all the hats and turned to me, startled. "Oh! Hello Wind! How can I help you?"

"I'm just wondering, are there any guys here by the name of... _Roquefort?_ "

"... you mean like the cheese?" she asked confused.

"Yeah, I think so."

"I haven't met anyone here with that name," Kuki said, visibly confused that _anyone_ would have that as a name. "What does he look like?"

"About 7 feet tall, wide, buff chest, his chest looks like two pillows with two chocolate chips arranged on them like they do at fancy hotels, bright, sparkling light blue eyes, and fluffy brown hair. Surfer dude."

"No, I'm sorry," Kuki said, blushing at my description of his chest, "but if I see him I'll let you know, can't let a guy like that get away!"

"Thank you," I said, "I saw him last night on Leakey Lake, he saved Courage from drowning and introduced himself, then surfed away."

"Wow! What a hero!" she said. "Maybe he's a local? It's really hard to surf on the lake since there are no waves, but if he grew up around here he's probably skilled at it."

"Yeah, maybe that's it."

I thanked her and left. A local, eh? Did anyone even live around here before the war? Other than the K.N.D., of course, but if he was with them Kuki would've known him. Hm. Looks like I had a mystery on my hands.


	34. Skeeter Scouts

CHAPTER 33: SKEETER SCOUTS

"EVERYONE! WAKE UP! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY SITUATION! GET OUT OF BED AND OUTSIDE IMMEDIATLEY! THIS IS NOT A DRILL - I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!"

"whoa holey fock?!" I said scared, falling out of bed. From down here I could see Courage cowering and shaking under the bed hm.

"We're all gonna die!" he said.

"No we won't," I reassured him, getting up and putting on my clothes because I was naked because it was hot because it was the jungle because it was the middle of summer. After getting my tube socks on I ran out that door, I'm not comin' in anymore, because lo! There before the Magic Tree was Numbuh 4, as well as all my team mates out here, they all looked panicked and Numbuh 4 looked angry!

"Wind!" he said and I got scared that he was angry at me hm.

"WHAT WHERE IS IT I'LL KILL IT WHERE IT STANDS!" I shouted, pointing my gun around wildly, looking around wildly but could see nothing out of the ordinary hm.

"The emergency's not here," he expalined, "it's at Camp Kidney, across the ridge. They just had a terrafuser strike the middle of the focking campground it's like nothing we've ever seen before..." he was shaking "The whole place is being attacked by fusion mosquitoes! We've gotta get over there! There are defenseless children who might get killed!"

"SWEET JESUS!" I said, this was no freaking laughing matter anymore. I was fine seeing my fellow teens and adults die but kids sheesh that's just cold and hearltess...

"These stupid fusions," I angrily, "if they hurt one hair on one of those camper's heads I'm gonna ram a canoe oar up their asses and spin it around to make it hurt more!"

"If we hurry, you might get your chance," said Numbuh 4, and we all ran out of the Outpost, weapons drawn, and the Magic Tree called after us worriedly, "Good luck."

At the camp things were all kinds of focked up. Thankfully the campers were all inside their cabins for safety, the adults had rounded them into there. But other than that there was a giant freakin' terrafuser right there in the middle of camp, Scoutmaster Lumpus was standing in his office watching the whole thing go down and saw our horror and anger at the state of his camp and panicked, drawing the blinds down in the window, coward, and the Toiletnator was running away from something and screaming wildly.

"What a little bitch," I scoffed, roling my eyes.

"There!" Numbuh 4 cried, pointing to a huge swarm of huge wild skeeters that were headed right for us but mostly right for Toiletnator, guess he just smelled appetizing to them gross?

"FIRE!" Numbuh 4 commandeded and we did as we were told, scared we would face his wrath. We started shooting but those skeeters were pesky buggers and kept dodging!

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" I screamed, then took out my mini dreihanders and began throwing them. One by one I pinned the skeeters to the neraby trees where they could be killed easily.

"Thank you, Wind!" said Numbuh 4, but

"WAIT!" I said, holding my hand up to my ear... I could hear... screaming!

We turned to the source of the screming, it was one of the cabins. It sounded like a full grown hairy man though so at least it wasn't one of the campers. We ran inside, wweapons drawn, there was a platypus huddled in the corner watching a skeeter bevour _something_ he was unable to do anything but shake or scream out of pure fear.

Agent Six flipped into the cabin and sliced the skeeter into hundreds of pieces, yay we had patties to make burgers now. Blood splashed on everyone from him **STUPIDLY** slicing open it's blood digestor sac but it couldn't be helped it was all over eneryone now, all over our clothes.

I knelt down next to the platy child, "Are you alright there, kid?"

"N-NO! NO! NOOOO!" he screamed, sounding almost like Plankton, strange.

Numbuh 4 stood up from one of the corpses in the room, pale and sick. "This one's dead," he said.

"This one's alive," Agent Six said beside him, standing up from examining a kid who looked like a giant purple jelly bean, but it turned out he was a dung beetle (I could tell from the stench and the flies surrounding him, thankfully it wasn't quite the stench of death _yet,_ plus there was a ball of poop under one of the beds)

"Let's get this kid to the sick bay at the Outpost, now!" Numbuh 3 demanded, we had better equopment at the Outpost than they had here, they were still using leeches sheesh like something out of the dark ages I say. Two fellow soldiers loaded the kid onto a stretcher for the journey back to the Outpost.

"Ch... Chip... are you there?" he asked weakly, and I noted in horror that _he_ (or his brother) was the one I heard screaming, because his voice was far too deep to come from a child, yet a child he was.

"What's your name, kid?" I asked, keeping pace with the soldiers to keep the ailing boy company. He was pale, and slowly dying, and the stench was unbearable and rapidly beoming worse.

"Skip" he said, "where's... where's my brother... he was right next to me when the mosquito flew in..."

I bit my lip and sobbed loudly, before taking a deep breath to try and control myself. I needed to be strong for him. "Skip... your brother's..."

When the boy found out, he screamed out of the stretcher and into the sky, flocks of birds flying away in fear from the sorrow, and he fell unconscious.


	35. Lava Cakes at Midnight

CHAPTER 34: LAVA CAKES AT MIDNIGHT

I walked solemnly out of the nurse's tent, Numbuh 4 was waiting outside with a cigarette in his fingers.

"How's he holdin' up?" he asked

"Doc says he's stable now," I answered, biting my lip trying not to cry, "but he's going to be drifting in and out of consciousness for a while. Says it's probably for the best - he doesn't understand he's hurt and he might hurt jimself even more if he's awake." I nodded to the ciagrette. "Mind if I bum one off you?"

"I'm so sorry, Wind," he said, but it wasn't for the cigarrete he gave one to me and lit me up, he was talking about Skip. "You've been through an awful lot lately. And seeing Choip die really took its toll n you."

"I'm fine." I said, folding my arms and turning away.

"Are you okay?" Numbuh 4 asked concerningly.

"It's just..." I bgean, "I don't know why, but I take things like this very hard... I always have, but I don't know why..."

"No one likes seeing a kid get exsanguinated," said Numbuh 4, tooting slightly to help me feel better.

"NO," I stressed, "THIS IS WORSE." His fart wasn't comforting me either, I just really needed some air right now. I dropped the cigarette and put it out with my foot, then walked aeway. "See you later, Wallabee."

I went back to my cabin and cried into my pillow, which I quickly learned wasn't a real pillow but rather a massive dust bunny. It stuck to my face and I started choking. Why did life have to be so unfair. Decter gets kidnaped, my mom gets pregnant and is sentenced to life in prison, and Buttercup is still missing and her family misses her so much.

"SHIT!" I said, punching my bed. "MY LIFE IS A FOCKING WRECK!"

i combed my hand through my hair, unfortunately there was poo on my hands from when I was assisting in the nurse's tent but i just had to live with it... but Wallabee was right. Why had I been so afraid to see Skip hurt? I knew there was some memory deep down that I was too afraid to look at, like that one neighbor who you only see on Halloween, and you don't see him for the rest of the year unless he has his ass up in the air and his back to you. But when you see him, oh ho, you don't frget it. It's too scarring. But what could it have been?!

"There's only one way to find out," I said, and sighed. "I'll ask Mom about it when I go to her hearing on Friday."

That night it was my turn to work the kitchen. I served up meatoaf and my mother's recupe for artichoke soup. she always put provolone in it but provolone is gross, so I used pepperjack instead. Everyone enjoyed it, and then I made chocolate lava cakes for dessert and they loived it even more. I got multiple marriage proposals from both men and woman, guess it really was good! I blushed and said I was happy they liked it, then ran out of the mess crying because of what a hellhole my life was and yet everyone was so nice to me.

I went back to visit Skip one more time before tomorrow (today was Thursday you see, and my mom's court date was the next day, Friday)

He was laying on one of the cots with his eyes wide open, and his mouth was wide open too, I guess they had just given him dinner. His eyes were very dry, his corneas almost looking like grapeskin it was awful. I sat next to him and cried some more. Thankfully there was a bowl of marshmallows next to him to comfort his visitors, because he truly was a sorry sight.

"Oh, Skip," I said, biting into one of the baseball-sized barshmallows, "I'm so sorry I couldn';t save your brother..."

"Wind!" cried a concerned voice from the flap.

I turned around. It was Roquefort! "Rowuefort!" I said, and he ran up to me and sat in the chair beside me.

"I heard about what happened at Camp Kidney," he said, an apologetic look on his face. "Wind, I'm so sorry I couldn't help all of you. I was... busy."

"It's okay," I said,

"No, it's not," he replied, reaching over and using a marshamllow to dab my tears away. I now had powdered sugar on my face which was going to be murder on my acne but whatever. "I should've come over to help. Maybe then Chip wouldn't have died."

"Yeah, well, and maybe Scoutmaster Lump-Ass should've evacuated the campers when the war broke out instead of leaving them there to their doom!" I quartered, covering my fae with my hands and sobbing loudly.

"Oh, Wind," Roquefortsaid, so upset to see me like this. "Is there anything I can do to make you happy?"

MAKE LOVE TO ME immediately came to mind, but instead I said, "No... you just being here is enough. Thank you."

"Don't mention it, ma'am."

I scooted a little closer to him, and slowly laid my head on his shoulder. We both smiled and blushed. My head was so close to his throbbing, succulent pecs. His nipples were throbbing too, it must've been painful.

"Doesn't that hurt you?" I asked.

"Huh? Oh, no," he said uickly, "when you work out enough the pain goes away... you get used to it..."

"Oh..." I said I didn't ebelieve him. there was pain in his eyes, physical pain... or whas it emotional pain? I couldn't tell. But before I could attempt to comfort him,

"I've... I've got to go" he said, jumping up and darting out the flap, but when he jumped up he hit his shoulder into my chin and snapped my cervical vertebrae in a way that my head was now stuck outward and on the diagonal.

"OW!" I cried.

"Oh no Wind I'm sorry!" he said, panicking slightly, and he gently set his hands on either sides of my head. "Okay, this'll hurt for a second..." he said, before POP! he snapped my head back into place.

"Ow..." I said again, but when the pain wore off I opened my eyes and looked into his. And he looked into mine. We just sort of stood like that, for millennia, or at least what felt like it. I thought about Decter, but I also thouhgt about Roquefort. And how Dexter had broken up with me following the butt-slapping incident, and going canonically off of his memory loss, we were _still_ broken up. Did that make these feelings cheating? I was _techinically_ sleeping with Eustace Bagge and not Dexter, so...

Roquefort made the decision for me, as he quickly locked his lips with mine what the fock?! And I returned the kiss, and we just stood there in this kiss for a little while, he tasted minty fresh. Finally after several seconds, he pulled away and ran to the flap.

"I'm... I'm sorry, Wind..." he said, before leaving and running away.

"... I'm not," I uttered after him.

"FLAMING CHEESE WHEELS!" Skip screamed, sitting up in bed in the middle of his nightmare, before collapsing back into unconsciousness.


	36. Courtroom Blues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! c: so I have an exciting announcement to make... it's been a wip for a while now but we both agreed it's time to tell everyone... my best friend and I are writing our very first ORIGINAL book! TO PUBLISH! and it's all thanks to all you wonderful readers! everytime I see someone read one of my stories it makes me so ahppy. I had a lot of confidence issues when I began writing here but I knew i had to keep at it to be stronger and better my writing. and thanks to all of you i'm finally there (the authors notes aren't proof of that lol i just write this way in personal stuff like texts emails and stuff). but yeah now we're writing our own book. it will be a while until it's published but when it is I'll have more info on my profile. i'm just so escited to tell you all this is going to be great! hope everyone is having a wonderful day, stay safe and healthy, here's another chapter of Windfall for you! :D (also we're up to the same amount of chapters as there were original nanos, how cool is that? :D)

CHAPTRE 35: COURTROOM BLUES

"You sure you have everything under control here Numbuh 4?" I asked, everyone else at the Outpost was here to say goodbye to me so I used his codenumbuh for formality.

"Yes I'm sure Wind just go see your mother okay?!" said Wallabee, he was smiling though but I knew on the inside he was just tired of me and wanted me gone for at least a few hours I didn't blame him. I'm a lot to handle.

"Well okay, call me if you need anything, and be sure to give Courage a treat and pet that bump he has on his head, he eally likes that-" I said but was cut off since Wallabee closed the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. door in the middle of my sentence he really just wanted me gone hm.

"Uh okay... bye..." I said even though he couldn't hear me, but decided to try harder to be less needy around him and the others to make their lives easier.

A few hours later we arrived in City Station, there was a guy here in a suit holding a piece of cardboard that said "WALTER." "Are you Ms. Walter?" he asked.

"Actually, that's _Commander_ Walter," I corrected him, gritting my teeth, "but yes, I am she."

"I have a car waiting for you Ma'am. I'll drive you to the courthouse."

"Thank you, Sir."

He led me to a dark car with tinted windows oh fock this wasn't normal. "Uh, heh heh, I think I'll walk instead."

"It's a thirty-minute walk Ma'am." he said but that was a lie, I knew where the courthouse was it was just across the street...

"Uh no thanks really!" I said, looking around and sweating. I patted my tummy. "I, uh, have really been into the donuts recently. Yeah. Gotta work off them calories, ya know?"

He sneered at me. "Then why did you take the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. instead of walking your fat ass out here?" he snapped, then mumbled uncalled for swear words as he got his fat head into the car and drove off without me... in the wrong direction...

" _Holeu fock that was close,_ " I said, that guy was definitely a kidnapper or something. Wait a minute...

"Sir!" I said, turning to the S.C.A.N.P.E.R. pilot then internally curzing myself for making such sudden movements sheesh this is how the last one died, "Who was that man who just tried to pick me up?!"

"Hm?" he asked he had red hair freckles and enormous buck teeth, he looked like a sweet chap. "Oh, him? Don't really know, mate. But he's been hangin' round here asking for a Commander Wallace or something for a while now..."

I went pale. " _Oh fock..._ d-do you know if he works at the courthouse?"

"Oh, he certainly doesn't!" he said, snorting a little as he laughed. "My dad's a judge, I know everyone there they're like family. That guy doesn't work there."

i slowly turned away from him, shaking. " _Th... thank you..._ "

I got out my jetbike from my inventory (it shrunk down large items to a subatomic scale, that was how it was able to store things like large vehicles, weapons, and even Koosalagoopagoop that one time) and started making my way west toward the courthouse, unease raditaing in my being. I jammed my Suzanne Vega disc in and turned on _Tom;s Diner_ to help me relax, as I used my jetbike's interface to track the car that weirdo drove away.

"Computer, can you tell me where that creepy guy went?" I asked.

The computer beeped a few times before saying "Negative. Target is out of range." It sounded like Ben, guess Dexter got him to do the voice acting for it.

"Well... can you give me it's last location before it got out of range?"

"Target was last recorded at the Orchid Bay docks."

"Okay, thank you. I can head over there later, after Mom's hearing... OH!"

I skidded to a halt, swerving my jetbike to the left but I flipped over several times, before ultimately crashing into a building and my jetbike exploded in a fiery blast of heat and pain... and shards of glass from the window I crashed into. I weakly dragged myself away from the wreck, I'd lost a lot of skin on my arms and there was blood everywhere, my ears were ringing and I was feeling really dizzy.

"Wh... Professor?" I said, hoarsely.

For the cause of my crash was none other than Professor "I'm just going to introduce myself three times to you and pretend it doesn't make you uncomfotable" Utonium, wandering in the middle of the street, looking haggard and like he hadn't slept in weeks, and smelling like death and cheap booze.

I got up and ran to him. "Professor! You can't just walk around in the street like this! I nearly killed you!" I said, tears in my eyes at the thought, even if he _did_ creep me out.

"Oh?" he asked, blinking, before stopping and turning to look at me "Forgive me Commander Walter, I didn't see you there... ow are you this fine sunny afternoon?"

I blinked, myself, in shock. This guy had really lost it. "I-I'm fine, Sir. But I think you might be intoxicated. As a soldier of the Dexlabs army, it is my duty to bring you to safety. Come with me, I was on mt way to the courthouse anyway for my mother's hearing."

"Well, if you insist..."

I took his arm and brought him over, poor man was white as a sheet and was shaking slightly under his lab coat. I gave him a hug but it didn't seem to really do anything. I kicked myself for not finding Buttercup by now. It was my plan, honest, but things got in the way and now I was stattioned in the jungle and Dexter was missing. I had too much going on at once.

"But I'll find her, Professor," I promised him under my breath. "Even if it';s the last thing I do."

I aled into the courthouse, explaining the Professor's situation. The bailiffs standing at attention said they would watch him until I got out of my mother's hearing when I could escort him home. I thanked them and said goodbye to the Professor, he didn;t seem to notice me anymore. I went into the courtroom where my mom was my mom was there. with her lawyer. The skeevy creep was snickering about something and he even had a thin handlerbar mustache just like in the old westerns... the fiend! I knew he was up to no good.

"Uh, Mom?" I asked, "Who's your hellish lawyer?"

"Wind! That is not nice to say!" my Mom chastised but gave me a hug anyway since she was happy to see me, only before she could do so the bailiff separated us because she was a criminal and couldn't hug me for my own safety.

I put on a western accent half because I thought it would sound more endearing to Mom and half because this guy's style was affecting me subconsciously. "Ma this guy ain't trustworthy he ain't normal you gotta done get yourself a better lawyer I reckon," "OOPS WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?!"

"No swearing in my courtroom!" snapped the judge, I felt bad because he probably has enough misery in his life.

"Don't worry Wind," Mom said smiling, "Mr. McSadist is a wonderful man! He's on the board of lawyers for people who aren't in the army or can't afford a lawyer. You know, the ones they mention when officers reading you your rights? Isn't that nice of him?"

"HIS NAME IS FREAKING _"McSADIST?!"_ "

"Commander Walter!" snapped the judge, "If you do not settle down, I will find you in contempt of court!"

I swallowed. "M-My apologies, Your Honor. I won't make no more trouble for you."

"Thank you," he said, sighing sadly. "Now, Mrs. Walter, on to your case. You have been convicted of five counts of heroin, eleven counts of sponge cake, numerous drunken offenses, emotionally upsetting an officer of the law, and an incountable number of hits on the bong. Any last words?"

"I am entirely guilty, your Honor," Mom said sadly but bravely.

"Now hold up there, judge!" said McSadist, standing up and giving Your Honor a greased smile. "I have it on good authority that my client here was not acting on her own - rater, it was her **BOYFRIREND** who persuaded her to take the drugs, _isn't that right, Commander Walther?"_

"What?!" I asked, startled not because of what he was saying but because he was dragging me into this?!

"Well? Is it or is it not true that your mother's boyfriend influenced her to be under the influence?" McSadist pressured, giving me a horrific smile.

"Uh.. well... uh..."

"Is this true, Commander?" asked the judge.

"... yes," I said. "I mean mom _did_ have a problem with drugs when I was a kid, it resulted in me getting taken away and put in an orphanage until I turned 15... but this time, it was her boyfriend who got her involved."

"Great Scott?!" said the judge. "You got taken away from her _before_ for this?!"

"yes Your Honor"

"I thought you looked familiar!" said the judge, and he looked hard at my mom. "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but my decision is made. You're doin' time." He banged his gavel with finality.

My mom rung her head. "I accept, Your Honor."

"MOM!"

"It's okay, Wind," she said, smiling, but her lawyer was glaring at me. "It'll be alright. I was always bound to wind up in the slammer anyhow."

The bailiff escorted my mom away and to prison as I cried and watched. When the pattywagon was over the horizon, McSadist came up to me and said, "Well, you freaking ruined my case and cost me thousands of dallors."

"OH WELL, _SOR-RY,_ I DIDN'T MEAN TO INCONVENCIENCE _YOUR_ LIFE MR SADIST, _I_ JUST LOST MY MOTHER TO A LIFE BEHIND BARS IS ALL!"

"Well, I'd be willing to forgive you," he said, waving his eyebrows like the ocean "if we went out for dinner."

"EW NO YOU SICK FOCK!" i shouted, slapping him in the face and running away.

I brought Professor Utoonium home and walked him up to his doorstep. I just hoped his father wasn't home he'd probably sic the dogs on me it was pretty late. "Thanks for walking me home, Commander," said Professor Utonium.

"It was no trouble, Professor," I said, smiling at him, he looked so frail and sad.

"And... have you learned anything new regarding my Buttercup?" he asked, but was too tired to be hopeful.

"No, I'm afraid not," I said, cringing with hurt when I saw his shoulders slump even more. "I'm trying really hard, but I've only turned up dead ends- oops I'm sorry Professor, that was extremely inconsiderate of me."

"Don't worry about it, Commander Walter."

"It's just, all of my leads end up fizzling out... if I knew more about Buttercup, I might have a better chance of finding her."

"I knew her better than anyone," Professor Utonium said, nearly bursting into tears, "but I still can't find her... too bad we buried her scrapbook before examining it..."

"What?" I asked?

"The only thing we had left of her was her scrapbook," he said he was unable to meet my eyes. "so we buried it for the f... funeral... since it also functioned as her diary there had to be valuable information in it, but we've already buried it..."

"Why not unbury it?" I asked.

"I... I couldn't bear that..." he said the tears were finally coming now. "It would be so discrespectful of my daughter... _**she wouldn't want it...**_ "

:oh..." I said, and after a few moments, patted him on the shoulder. "Get some sleep, Professor. I'll be in touch."

"Thank you, Wind."

After he closed the door, I checked my watch. 2:05. Still plenty of time before I had to be back at the Outpost. The Professor may not have thought it was a good idea to dig up Buttercup's scrapook, but I had no other choice and frankly it needed to be done to have a chance of saving her. Checking my map, I planned the route to Eternal Meadows, it would only take about fifteen minutes to get there, I made my way over to the graveyard.


	37. I was a Teenage Graverobber

CHAPTER 36: I WAS A TEENAGE GRAVEROBBER

Getting to the graveyard took longer than I thought, since there was a pride parade marching through the streets of Endsville and into Eternal Vistas.

"Fock," I said, falling in step with the participants, "I'm all for pride, but I've got a missing girl to save!"

"Did you say, you're trying to save someone?" asked a man inf ront of me, he was wearing a rainbow grass skirt (that was really just several plastic streamers arranged on the skirt to look like grass) and fuzzy rainbow legwarmers, I thought they were very pretty.

"Yeah," I expalined, "I'm on a mission from Professor Utonium himself, it's called I Was A Teenage Grave Robber, I'm looking for his daughter Buttercup she has been missing for several months now."

"Oh no!" he said, "that's terrible! I remember the day she went missing, we all cried we have been so worried!" he called out to the others, "Hey, everybody! This young woman's trying to find Buttercup Utonium - let's give her a hand all the way to the graveyard!"

Everyone started cheering and they lifted me up and crowd surfed me across the street. I thanked each and every one of them it was so nice. I did get bopped in the head by a few heart-attenae headbands some people were wearing but it's okay tho. They dropped me off at the gates to the graveyard and waved goodbye then continued with the parade.

A stark contract to the bright and cheery rainbows outside, the cemetery was dark, cold, and grimy. Numerous headstones were everywhere, piled on top of each other. There was one grave where apparently the tenant had been buried alive, and had tried to dig himself out but died doing so and his skeleton was stuck halfway out of the ground. There were immense earthworms like six feet at max wiggling around everywhere, one inched past my feet and I shuddered in disgust it was like a tapeworm almost, and I didn't want another one of those.

"I-It's okay Winifred," I said, using my full name in an effort to comfort myself, "just keep walking forward... the rear half of the cemetery is just up ahead."

Scary music started playing as soon as I'd entered Endsville, but it was even scarier here because of the atmosphere. There was a gant tarantual wrapping up a dude on one of the mausoleums and he was screaming for help but I wasn't coming near that thing, no sir. Its fangs were huge they could cut off my butt cheeks *snap* just like that I say. A cold breeze blew along the path and I shivered and drew my authentic Gangreen Gang jacket tighter around my body (I never actually had one of these in the original game but finally got one in Retro, I loved it I wore it all the time! :D)

"Sure is dank around here," I said, suddenly the door on a mausoleom nearby opened and a zombie came running out and up to me.

"AAHH!" I shrieked!

"KILL ME!" the zombie begged, before running away through the graves before I even got the chance? His arms were bending backwards on account of being rotten and his legs were bending everywhere it was a horrific sight to behold.

I ran as fast as I could until I reached a clearing before MORE graves and finally... what? What the heck?

"Why is there a force field around the graveyard?!" I asked, startled. Ther was a huge blue mist that was actually a force field surrounding the entire back half of the graveyard, there were also these blue orbs floating in midair in the force field with what looked like the Dexlabs "d" on them.

I saw there was a Dexbot up ahead by the force field so I made my way up to ask him why the graveyard was fielded, but on my way I noticed a group of Urban Rangers to my right who were huddled around a headstone crying their eyes out. One of them was playing The Eagles' _Hotel California_ on his iPod for the service.

"What's wrong folks?" I asked.

"We... we lost our troop leader..." said one of the girls before askeing, "C-Can I have a tissue?"

I gave her my last kleenex and read the epitath. It read:

HERE LIES ROLF. BEST URBAN RANGER WHAT EVER LIVED. NEVER TRIED TO FORCE-FEED ME HAM OR NOTHIN'. RIP

"Oh, I'm so sorry," I said, sniffling a little, myself. I'd known Rolf we went to high school together. He wasn't the nicdest guy and he kind of freaked me out but he was a pleasant sort.

"How did he die?"

"He was eaten alive by a spooka," said the boy with the ipod. "It was truly a horrible thing to witness, yet witness it we did, he was trying to rid the area of spookas but he just wasn't strong enough."

"The locals have a new urban legend now..." said the other girl and she giggled slightly because "urban legend" sounded like "Urban Ranger." "Every time a spooka's heart tries to beat out of its chest, it's Rolf's spirit trying to free himself from it's body."

"That's chilling," I said, but greatly enjoyed the myth anyway.

I paid my respects to the shepherd's son and continued up the hill to the Dexbot I mentioned earlier. "Yo yo yo robo-homie, what's good in this neighborhood?"

"Dexter posthumously ordered special Dexlabs-engineered energy shields to be erected around hgighly-infected areas, Commander Walter," explained the Dexbot, "he termed them _Infected Zones._ "

"Infected Zones?" I repeated. I looked up at the field of force. Had the invasion gotten that bad...?

"I need to get in there," I said, "I need to dig someone- I mean somethng up."

"Stand by," burbled the Dexbot, and he punched a code into a nearby keypad and soon I was teleported to the other side.

It was muggy and foggy in here, and swamp/corpse water was running through a disgusting polluted creek. People were buried here - and their remains had likely been left here, left to be disrespected by this perverted invasion. I cried a little for them, and the family members who were likely suffering knowing what must've been happening to their loved ones' remains.

I hopped on a nearby floating casket and made my way across the zombie sludge river to the information office. There was a receptionist inside, she had more balls than me working in this place. "Excuse me, could you tell me which plot Buttercup Utonium's substitute corpse is buried in?"

"I can check," she said, turning to her computer, "do you know what was buried instead?"

"It was at least a scrapbook, they may have buried other things too but I know that's there."

"Scrapbook, scrapbook..." the receptionist mumbled, typing away on her computer with her three-inch-long nails. "A=ha. Found her. Plot #1-4A. It's all the way in the back."

" _Wonderful_ " I said, but "thank you."

I went outside and began making my way into the rear of the graveyard. The trip challenged every last fibre of sanity that was left in my body. Strawberry Pop-Tarts with bat wings flew out of a masoleum in front of me and spooked me. Then more worms came up out of the ground to try and drag me under. They almost succeeded I was up to my chest in the dirt but a skeleton under the ground fought them off to save me, thank you sweet skeleton. Then I was attacked by a horde of fusion monster vampires that had more bats flying around them like flies that bit into my skin like oversized mosquitoes to suck my blood. I started screaming and swatting them away and ran as fast as I could out of the swarm but the vampires followed me and every time I hit them with my dreihander they made disturbing noises like they were barking only they couldn't have been barking?! Finally I sliced them in half and took a few moments to sit down and let my health regenerate, I summonded my Numbuh 3 nano to heal me as well to help, but I forgot she was a freaking group-heal nano and so it wasn't the same amount as a self-heal.

"Oh, fock you, nano Numbuh 3," I snapped, dismissing her, then feeling bad, and taking her out and giving her a hug and apologizing before dishmissing her again and continuing to the grave.

It was covered in spiderwebs and I brushed them out of the way, I didn't see the brown tarantula under the web and it got on my hand, I began screaming and flapping my hand around to get it off but it was holding on fast. I whacked my hand against the headtstone and smushed the tarantula, it hissed at me for a few moments before it died. It also bit me on my hand right before I smashed it, oh fock it was going to turn necrotic if I didn't get help soon.

"I've still got time, "I said to myself, "Time to dig up this grave."

I got out my shovel and summoned my nanos (besides Numbuh 3 I had equipped Wilt and Juniper Lee) and gave them tiny shovels to help. "Alright, girls and boy, let's get started."

It took about an hour the grave was mighty deep they must've really cared about her. When it was done we all looked into the hole.

"It's really dark down there," said Nano Juniper Lee. "I can't see the bottom."

"I'll head down, you guys stay here," I said, topping off their stamina with the last of my potion (I'd used it all just keeping them up as we dug) before hopping into the hole.

I fell for a good two minutes before hitting the bottom. My legs broke and my femurs came up and out of my body on either side of my pelvis. I screamed in pain and collapsed.

"I'm sorry to bug you, Wind, but are you okay?!" asked Nano Wilt.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, shaking it off and shifting over to stand next to the coffin. It was filthy and there were hundreds of baby taratulax running all over it disgusting. I could practically feel them running up my spine, but maybe that was because of the numerous vertebraic fractures from the fall. Regardless I took a deep breath, half to calm myself down and half to shield myself from the smell, and opened the coffin.

The scrapbook was lying there on the cushy inside of the coffin, why people put cushions in them when the dead can't appreciate them I have no idea, but I couldn't see the scarpbook under the massive amount of spiderwebs covering it. Cursing, I brushed them away to reveal another brown tarantula with a red hourglass on it's butt laying eggs all over the scrapbook.

" **JUST MY LUCK,** " I said, upset, then shouted at the spider, " **HEY, YOU FATASS! GET OUT OF THIS GRAVE! I NEED THAT!** "

It hissed at me and spread its fangs out in a threatening posture, but continued to spray foundational slush over the cover of the scrapbook.

" _ **THAT'S IT**_ " I said, pushing my arachnophobia to the back of my mind so I could grasp that disprespectul spoder and toss it out of the grave, but instead it fought me and shoved me against the grave wall.

"Wind!" cried Nano Juniper Lee!

I trhashed and screamed as the spider bit my neck and began injecting its acidic tarantula enzymes into my bloodstream. My internal organs began liquefying. it started looking for a good place on my skin to lay its eggs but I managed to strangle the tarantula and kill it before it could pump too much enzyme into my body. It fell to the ground and curled up and rapidly dried out, as I gasped for air and tried to calm down from the experience. I grabbed the scrapbook and climbed the fock out of there.

But as I made my way up worms reached out from the walls and tried to drag me back down. I climbed even faster and got outta there quick, my nanos filled the whole back up as soon as I was out and we heard the worms screaming in frustration from under the dirt.

"That was a close one," I said, "but I got the scrapbook!"

"Hooray for us!" cheered Nano Numbuh 3. Then all my nanos went back into my nanocom because they'd exhausted themselves from fear watching my horrible experience in the grave.

"Well, guess it's just me," I said, and turned to the book in my hands. "Let's finally take a look at this..."

Trembling in fear, I opened the scraopbook's cover.


	38. Scraps of the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for the wait everybody. UGH IM SO MAD. my stupid mom actually took away my computer priveliges. I AM 22 I AM TOO OLD TO BE TREATED THIS WAY! apparently my little brother got all offended by what I called him in the one-shot I posted last week, but look, he brought that upon himself. so he ran to mom and was all like "julysunicorn called me a pice of shit!" and my mom was all like "i'm ashamed of you how dare you call your brother that! I'm forbidding you from posting any more of this garbage for a week!" despite how he teases me. despite how he freaken threw my laptop OUT MY BEDROOM WINDOW that time and my writing was severely impaired. but noooo, he's her darling child, so he can pick on me all he wants. ugh I know everyone's under pressure right now but he could at least try to be nice, the little bastard. i'm done asking adivce from him and letting him near my stories. so, i'm so sorry this is late, blame my shitty family. at least the holdup allowed me to polish up three new chaptetrs for ya'll! hope you are all doing well. bake anything lately? I've been baking a lot I know I'm going to have Christmas hips all over again by the time this is over.

CHAPTER 37: SCRAPS OF THE PAST

There was an immense, beefy caterpillar in the middle of the scrapbook, wriggling around and hssing at me.

"EW!" I shouted, grabbed it and pitched it into the grass. "Yuck... okay, now let's read this."

The Urabn Ranger's iPod started playing _Shattered Dreams_ by Johnny Hates Jazz (I wondered if Jonny from the cul-de-sac had recorded it, it didn't sound like Clark Datchler?) as I delved into Buttercup's past. Huh I had no idea she wrote so well. It was like I was actually travelling into the past to relive it through Buttercup's eyes...

* * *

6/25/08

Had to fight one of Bubbles' pet warthogs just for breakfast. Ugh she lets them eat everything and I get left with crumbs. The Professor says I have to be eating enough I'm so active all the time. But he just doesn't understand.

Every day is a struggle just to stay alive.

6/26/08

Aw yeah! Score at the meat packing plant! Got a whole ribcage, looks like it came offa an elephant or somethin... momma's eating tonight!

Update: stupid Bubbles took it for the quirrels. _THEY DON'T EVEN EAT MEAT._ Stomach's rumbling again. Guess I'll just sleep through it.

* * *

I chocked back sobs. This was what Buttercup had to live wqith? Bubbles was too sweet (and ditzy, let's be honest) to realize what was going on, she would likely be heartbroken if she found out!

"I can't read all of this!" I proclaimed, "It's too much!" I flipped forward to get past the angsting over her empty belly until I found an interesting picture.

A picture... that was interesting for all the wrong reasons.

A picture of Buttercop and Ace, lead singer of the Gang Green Gang.

"WHAT IN THE FRIGGING FOCK?!" I shrieked.

Ace was sitting with Buttercup on a ratty old cough that likely _had_ dead rats in it, they both were smiling at the camera and looked very happy. Buttercup was very small, it looked like this was back when she was still in kindergarten. So they were friends...?

"But I thought they were enemies...?" I asked no one. I mean the Gnag doesn't really come across as people who know what "friendship" means, I mean come on.

"But still... Eltridge _Johnson_ meyer even said I should infestigate Ace, he said he was the last one to see Buttrecup... _sigh_ " I sighed. " _Time to head back to Marquee Row._ "

I left the graveyard, my favorite place in the world, and took the Slider down into the city. I sat on the edge, sadly watching the sights speed by as some tubby bloke behind me was playing _Tarzan Boy_ by Baltimora on his iPod, until I notecd he didn't have one... then I realized it was coming from the corpse of Dizzy World.

Peering through the smog and various pollutant shit in the air, I could see Bloo holding a candle with a bunch of other soldiers all holsing candles as well outside the froce field around Dizzy World. They were playing Baltimora on a bigass set of speakers for the service. Bloo was wailing loudly in grief and the others just looked like they wanted it to be over.

" _Poor Dizzy World,_ " I said, "I remember going there as a kid with my dad..."

" _Fock you,_ " said the boy behind me.

After a few more minutes we arrived in Marquee Row, the dude ran south and I turned left to enter Sunny Bridges Auditorium. I knew about Mr. Bridges, but I'd nebver actually _met_ him. he was something of an enigma... walked around in a purple vest and straw hat but very few had actually seen the guy in person. Must've been a recluse or something.

Like a spider... or like...

"Decter..." I said, sadly, my heart aching in my chest.

Soon I reached the ticket buuth. There was a very fat man inside, it looked like he hadn't been outside the tiny booth in years.

"Hello, can I help you?" It sounded like a struggle even to talk.

I cried a little I felt bad for this man. "Uh hi, I'm here to see Ace of the Gangreen Gang? My name is Commander Winifred Georgia Walter?"

"I.D. please," he asked for.

I wondered if his thighs were very big and the rest of his legs very small, like an overweight bird. More tears spilled down my cheeks. "H-Here you go, Sir." I handed him my I.D. carde.

"I'm sorry Ma'am," he said, pushing it away after I set oit down, "no visitors may see the Gangreen Gang. You gotta have a backstage pass."

"Backstage pass?!" I asked, haunted by images of what the poor layers of adipose on this poor soul's own back looked like. I knew what mine looked like his could only be worse. "Isn't my membership in the Dexlabs army enough?'

"No ma'am," he said anemicly, "They don't want anyone bothering them that's the rules you can either take it and shut up or turn your fat ass around and leave."

My blood was set afire. "EXCUSE ME?!" I shouted, getting right up in his grill that smelled of barbecue. "YOU _DARE_ CALL _ME_ A FAT ASS WHILE HERE YOU ARE STUCK IN THIS TOCKET BOOTH WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU LEFT HM WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PEED IN A TOILET AND NOT A BOTTLE?!"

He looked very taken aback and about to call security if he could only reach the panic button, curse those fried onions "U-uh-h, M-Ma'am, j-just calm down, I-I'm sure we could work something out-"

"I DEMAND TO SEE ACE OF THE GRANGREEN GANG IMMEDIATELY, AND IF I DO NOT GET PAST YOU IN THE NEXT THRIRTY SECONDS, I WILL CALL YOUR BOSS AND TELL HIM YOU DIDN'T LET _COMMANDER WIND WALTER_ THROUGH THE GATE AND PAST YOUR IMMENSE SOGGY BEHIND!" I boomed.

"G-Go right ahead!" the man pleaded, ducking to try and hide... in himself? "Please, don't get me fired! I've grown into the booth I need to stay in here much like a hermit crab!"

"I am so sorry," I said, crying as I dashed past him and into the audithorium.

There were a lot of people here, moving crap around for the next performance. In perticular there was the makeup guy, he was snapping his towel at everyone and I kenw if he saw me he would have my pasty ass thrown out. So I tried to stay out of his sight.

"Okay, where would Ace be?" I woindered, ooking around. Then, there, in the distance, was his trailer. " _Perfect_ "

I crept over, trying not to make a sound. I was doing pretty well, but I accidentally stepped on a potato chip, and I startled myself. My guts began to shift and the gas I'd been holding in because I just hadn't found the right time okay?! i couldn't fart in a graveyard! Made itself known at the entrance to my derriere.

" _Oh, fock_ " I swore, my lower body hurting from the pressure. I couldn't handle the pressure, so I decided to be careful and eek out a little bit of the gas to relieve myself.

Big mistake. That "tiny" bit of gas sounded like a freaking bengal tiger jumping out of the flaming ring that was now my butthole and the crispy, burnt ring that was now in my skirt, and everyone dropped what they were doing to look at the girl with the ass that was on fire. I froze, but that only gave them the opportunity to study my face from afar. It didn't take long for them to realize I shouldn't have been there, and when they did, they came right at me like buzzards at a corpse.

I screamed and bolted the rest of the way to the trailer, patting my arse to put the flames out. Unfrotunately they didn't and my skirt burned off and then my underwear burned off because it was on fire too, in fact it was in worse shape than my skirt because i twas closer to the blast, it flaked off my body in blackened petals. I reached the trailer and let myself in, slamming it shurt behind me and listening to the stage crew bang and shout on the door for about fifteen minutes until they finally lost interest and left.

"Oh, thank goodnses," I said, but the worst was yet to come.

"Hey! Whaddya think you're doin', here?" asked a familiar voice from the other side of the room.

I turned around.

I saw Ace.

I saw Buttercup.

And they were cuddling in a hot tub.


	39. Break My Soul

CHAPTER 38: BREAK MY SOUL

"WHAT IN THE FIERY PITS OF PIZZA IS GOING ON HERE?!" I screamed.

"Hey, keep it down, ya jerk!" snapped Buttercup, cupping her hands over her ears "You're gonna wake the dead or something!"

"I almost did, finding your scrapbook!" I approached the hottib, raising my eyesbrows in despair. "Buttercup, I'm here to recsue you! To bring you home!"

"Buttercup?" she asked, raising her own eyebrow in confusion and mild disgust. "Who's Buttercup?"

I froze; all the blood drained from my face, and my lungs felt like they'd dried up and began cracking from the dehydration. "Wh... What?" I barely managed to squeak.

"I don't know who the fock Buttercup is!" she demanded. Up this close I could see she was wearing heavy black eye makeup, her hair was dyed fart green on the ends and she was wearing a black skimpy bikini... not proper attire for a Powerpuff Girl. "Ugh, you're so freaking weird. Get out of this trailer, or I'm calling security."

"But... what do you mean, you don't know who Buttercup is? Don't you know your own name?" I asked, Ace looked like he was tensing beside her. She would probably feel a warm spot if she didn't get out soon hm.

"I'm Belladonna, you freaky bitch," Buttercup said, sneering at me. "Now get out of my Sugar Daddy's trailer."

Mortified, I looked from her to Ace, then back again. ?What did you just call him?"

"Ace and I are a couple, don't _you_ read the tabloids?" she asked, pulling him close and snogging him on the cheek?!

"WHAT THE HELL?!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs. "WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, 15?! ACE IS LIKE 27 NOW! WHY IN THE FOCKING CHEESY ANUS OF AN APE ARE YOU TOGETHER?! WHO LET THIS HAPPEN?! ACE YOU SHOULD BE ON A FOCKING REGISTRY FOR WHAT YOU'RE DOING?! BUTTERCUP (BECAUSE THAT IS YOUR NAME NOT FREAKING BELLADONNA THAT IS SO FOCKING OVER-THE-TOP UGH IT'S LIKE CALLING YOURSELF BRITNEY BRITNEY) YOU SHOULD _**NOT**_ BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GREEN BASTARD YOU'RE 15 YOU'RE A GLORIFIED CHILD THIS IS WRONG THIS IS SO WRONG WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?!"

Suddenly they was a banging and I whipped arond to face the door. "Ace! Open this door!" said a gruff British accent.

"Oh shit, it's Murdoc," Bell-Buttercup said, looking a little startled. "He'll rip her to shreds if he finds her backstage."

"Good riddance," said Ace, rolling his eyes and toking up.

Buttercup elbowed him hard in the beer gut. "You son of a bitch, she may be annoying but we can't subject her to him!"

Ace sighed, but extinguished his joint in the hot tub water. "Quick kid, hop in the tub, the bubbles'll hide ya," said Ace begrudgingly, shifting the numerous bibbles to open up a hole for me to jump through. But I couldn't help but notice Belladonna looked a little perplexed when he said Bubbles... almost like she knew there was something she'd forgotten...

"Thank you, you're not such a big sack of shit after all," I said, and jumped through that thing like it was a portal... a portal to another dimension. Or at least a portal into the loss of my sanity, because after diving in I noticed Ace wasn't wearing pants (Buttercup was though)

"Ace, you open this cow-devouring door or I'm gonna ram all of Del up your soggy green ass!" shouted/threatened "Murdoc."

"It's open, jeez," Ace called, lighting up a new joint.

A scary-looking green man with a bowl cut kicked down the door, causing it to go flying across the trailer and hit into the tub, jostling the water a bit and forcing me closer to Ace's gangreen goober, but the door bounced off the tub and back at Murdoc and hit him in the forehead. He collapsed to the floor dead from a massive brain injury

No, but it did hurt and he grabbed his head and cursed loudly. "Gah! Fockin' metal doors!" His nose was swollen, like it had been broken many times. His hair was bad and he also seemed to have one blind eye.

"Hey, Murdoc," said Belladonna,

"Don't you " _hey Murdof_ " me!" he snapped, walking up and pointing his figner at her. "You two are supposed to be onstage rehearsing for the show tonight, and instead you're doing the hot tub hot-doggery dance!"

"NOOOO!" I cried from under the water, no one could hear me because of the water but I did send some bubbles up to the surface. Murdoc just thought Ace farfed.

" _Charmoing,_ " he said, narrowing his eyes at Ace.

"Hey, you get first dibs on all the fangirls and spend hours rolling them right in my bed, _when I am trying to sleep,_ why can't I have a little down-time?" Ace pointed out.

"That's in our off-hours, you cornroll. And at least I make sure mine are above the age of consent."

"I'm freaking 18!" Buttercup shouted, clenching her fists. "Ugh! Why does everyone think I'm younger?! It's not my fault I still have a pudgy baby face!"

"Oh, thank goodness," I said, I honestly wasn't sure how old the powerpuffs were. More bubbles ecsaped my mouth and Murdoc thought Buttercup had farted from anger.

"Why is it always flatulence with you?" asked Ace, disgusted.

"Forget it, mate," said Murdic, "hurry up and get yourself out there. I don't care if you're dressed or not. Just get out there and start singin' and swingin'." He turned around, I saw his own butt cheeks were round as apples and very tightly pressed together, and oh, so warm. The heat radiating off of them mirrored the lust radiating in my heart. I was quickly reminded that it had been a while since I had bedded someone hm. Must be a new record. Yes, I'm a slut, I admit it, you don't need to keep your judgments to yourself I already share them.

Murdoc walked those tight little ass cheeks out the door and slammed it shut behind him. After he was gone Ace grabbed my hair and pulled me out of the water. "He's out, and you should be, too."

"Not before I bring Belladonn- I mean Buttercup back to her family!" I insisted.

"SHE ALREADY TOLD YA, SHE'S NOT-"

"LISTEN HERE YOU GREEN OCTUPUS-WEENIED DICK!" I screamed, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO HER, BUT YOU HAVE CLEARLY BRAINWASHED THIS POOR YOUNG WOMAN AND ARE KEEPING HER FROM THOSE WHO LOVE HER! HER FAMILY HAS BEEN IN FREAKING MOURNING THINKING THAT SHE IS DEAD! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SO SELFISH AS TO WANT TO LEAVE THE POWERPUFFS AND UTONIUM GRIEVING FOR THE REST OF THEIR DAYS?"

Ace stared at me. "Yes."

And I was thrown out on my ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (i put the authors note down here so it wouldn't spoil the surprise of Murdoc showing up) when I was a kid, I always thought it would be really cool if the band Gorillaz was in the same universe as PPG and Dexer's Lab. the animation in their music videos always reminded me of various CN cartoons so it seemed feasible... that really doesn't make much sense but its what i thought anyway. so I wrote them into this story. boy was I happy to see Ace actually fill in for Murdoc on that one album, i think it was The Now Now? I was so happy to see it actually happen! my personal favorite of theirs is Rock the House (the music video especially...) what's yours?
> 
> Oh but also SERIOUSLY WHO IN THE HECK THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO MAKE ACE AND BUTTERCUP A CANON COUPLEIN FF?! i remember feeling so sick about that as a kid... my mom even threatened to not let us play anymore she was so mad. but she was also the type to say she was going to call CN and tell them to take Billy and Mandy off the air because it was "offensive". but seriously the age discrepancy between Buttercup and Ace is enormous... unless they did some fancy shit like bumping the Powerfpuffs ages up while keeping the Gangreen Gang's static, which may have been what happened Ace didn't look too much older than he did in PPG, but still that's pretty disgusting. CN what is wrong with you? No wait, don't answer that. the list is too long.


	40. All the World's a Stage

CHAPTER 39: ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE

I hid behind the bleachers as the Gangreen Gang did their funky chicken schtick onstage, thinking over what had happend in the trailar. "Okay... so Buttercup apparently has amnesia from her fight with Moho... she can't remember her own name or family. And thinks Ace is good husband material, or at least good for when she needs him. Ick... I've gotta find a way to jog her memory back."

I tried to stand but my butt was stuck to a wad of gum someone spat out on the ground. It was like the size of a baseball - how on Earth had I missed it before? I strained against it and it and the strands slowly snapped I was free. Crawling under the grandstands, I could see a lot of hineys abovw m==e me and could also see Murfoc standing next to the stage and watching the Gang perform like he was their taskmaster or something. I remembered hearing rumors he was their new agent after some horrific accident with his first band, but couldn't remember the details. I also kind of didn't want to remember.

I snuck backstage and made my way to the _Prop-Tent._ All kinds of horrors were in here: there was a corpse stuffed in a chest in the corner whoops was going to get to that one last but I was so scared it just sorta slipped out. There was a bearksin rug on the floor and a poster of Aku diddling himself on the far wall.

" _Gee... it sure is creepy in here..._ " I said, slowly stepping deeper inside.

Looking around, I tried to ind an outfit that I could use to pass for press or something, but couldn't really see on account of the light being turned off. When I tried to turn it on I learned it was broken, it wouldn't turn on. Like the weenie of a man who'd seen terrible things.

Speaking of Murdoc entered the _Prop-Tent_ "Alright, Arturo, calm the fock down, I'll find yer stupid comb. I'm gonna check the _Prop-Tent._ "

I scrambled to hide faster than an obese jackrabbit outside my neighbors' garden as he stepped in, sunlight poured in from the open door, illuminating the dust specks in the air, like thousands of microscopic golden budgies. "Alright, where are ya, ya hair-gel soaked bastard?"

He stepped in and immediately tripped over me, because I was hiding under the bearskin rug - it was the best I could do, what should I have done, hid in the chest with the corpse?! "Oy! Who the ofck are you?!"

* * *

Before I knew it was sitting across the desk from the scariest man in the music industry, besides Michael Jackson. Something just wasn't right about that vocal range hm. No man can go that high and not be hiding some horrible secret, perhaps he was an alien. Maybe Ben knew him. Maybe I did. Maybe he was just a regular guy. But the thing in front of me... was not.

"State yer business, or I'll shove a cigar up yer duff and light it up," he threatened.

"W-WIND WALTER, COMMANDER OF THE DEXLABS ARMY, SERIAL CODE 8325795375!" I shouted.

"Your training for torture situations will get you nowhere with me, Commadner," he warned, "I have ways of making people talk."

Oh shit this wasn't good. He was probably going to strip and show off his ass cheeks to me again. Knowing I wouldn't be able to handle that I blurted, "Sir, do you know you've got a kidnapper working under you here?!"

"That's nothing compared to the things I've done."

I visualized him spinnning on a stripper pole using only his butt cheeks "Ace, the one with the crescent-shaped head, kidnapped Buttercup Utonoium, one of the infamous Powrepuff Girls, she is now seemingly his girlfriend. I know for a fact they are having sex. Please, Mr. Niccals, I need to get her to a hospital immediately, she apparentley has brain damage and is suffering from amnseia, she can't even remember her own name!"

Murdoc froze for a moment. "Brain... brain damage?" he said, before collapsing over his desk... in tears?

"Uh... you okay there, bud?" I asked, he didn't respond, just wailed into his arms. I got up and walked around to him and patted him on the shoulder. "Hey there, it's okay."

"2-D... I'm so sorry I couldn't save you!" he cried.

That name sounded slightly familiar, wasn't he the drummer for his band? "What happened to your drummer, sir?"

"He died," Murdoc explained, "but so did 2-D. They all did. I had them in the jeep and we were driving around in the city looking for a place to gnaw some bogeys (slang for get some food) when I decided to be a dick and sped up to 80 miles per hour and spun around to look cool and make Noodle laugh... _but I hit the median and 2-D was sent flying out the nonexistent windshield, Russel went first but 2-D followed only seconds after, Russel spontaneously combusted. I couldn't put him out in time, he died on impact... but 2-D was still alive..._

Murdoc had a flashback to when he held 2-d in his arms, and his bandmate was slowly dying.

"Please just let me die in peace," 2-D begged.

"Just shut up, ya blue-haired buggah," Murdic strained, tears rolling down his cheeks as he watched what little light there was in his eyes fade. "Of course I'll let ya go."

He leaned down and snogged him. 2-D let out a muffled "NO-" then died in Murdoc's arms. Murdoc was left all alone with Noodle, who survived the crash but was in a medically-inducted coma and had been since. But he was all alone.

"Ooohhh, Stuart!" cried Murfoc, "Whyyyyyy?!"

"Oh, Mr. Niccals, I'm so sorry," I said, I was crying now too from listening to him cry. I was also crying from the loss of Russel, I had a crush on him years ago... "2-D wouldn't want you to be sad, he would want you to be happy and live your life and be there to help Noodle."

Suddenly 2-D's ghost appeared in the corner and shouted "No I wouldn't!"

But Murdoc couldn't see him. "Wind... how could I move on? I found true love, nd he died... died right before me..."

"Fock you!" snapped 2-D.

"You can't throw away your life like this!" I arhued, "you have so much to live for! Think of Noodle, layoing there in a coma with no one to read her bedtime stories!"

"Noudle..." Murdoc said, lifting his head and thinking of his adopted little sister... at least they thought she was a girl, she might've been a boy who knows.

But he seemed to perk up, but 2-D floated over from the corner and started floating around him in a circle to torment him more. "You green bastard! You made my life a living hell! You don't get to be happey!"

Murdoc still couldn't see him but there was the odd stench of cheap booze in the air. "Professor Utonium?" I asked, looking around. "Is that you?"

"That's 2-D's favorite brand..." Murdoic said, before collapsing and crying again,

"Shoot," I said, then pointed at 2-D. "You! I command you to return to the afterlife, I need him to help me un-abduct Buttercup!"

"I want to see him suffer!" the ghost replied, black eyes gaping open like saucers in fury. "I will haunt him for the rest of his days, and when those are over, I'll dance on his grave!"

"GET OUT OF HERE YOU SPENT WANKER!" I snapped, but when he didn't listen, I grabbed Murdoc and ran out the door with him.

"RETURN THE LAD!" 2-D demanded, "OR SUFFER MY CURSE!"

"Oh man that sent chills down my spine," I said, shuddering. I threw Murdoc down to the wooden floor. He was unconscious, and not breathing.

"Murdop?!" I asked, and leaned my ear down to his chest... his heart had stopped.

"NO, BURDOC!" I screamed into the air, "I NEED YOU! I WON'T LET YOU DIE! NOT YET!"

I grabbed his face and snogged him, snogged the air out of him. It was horrible. His teeth were sharp I was in pain. His breath smelled and tasted like rotten tuna. Everyone in the crowd gasped and started crying & screaming at the sight. Ace came by and kicked me in the gut, sending all my air into Murdoc when I was _trying_ to give it to him in small doses, I'd eaten onions today!

"Hey, genius, you ruined our rehearsal!" he snapped. I then realized I was in the middle of the stage, making love to the band agent right there in front of dozens of people.

And one of them shot up in surprise.

"Wind!" he cried. It was... Roquefort.

"R-Roquefort?!" I said through the kiss, couldn't really yell when I was snogging somebody hm.

Roquefort ran down the bleachers and onto the stage. "Wh-what are you doing?!"

"He's dead, I'm trying to revive him!" I explained.

A flush of relief spread across his tanned face. "Oh! Uh, I mean, oh no, is he okay?!"

"I don't-" I began but soon Murdoc's head shot up from the ground.

"OoOoOoOhHhHhHh," he moaned, coming back to life, lungs filled with life-sustaining air and air was also in his hair giving it some much-needed revitalization. "I'm... I'm alive!"

"Yes!" I cheered, rolling off of him boy that was awkward.

He stood up and dusted himself off, and thanked me for bringing him back to life. "Wind, I am forever grateful for youre saving my life today. If there's anything I can do for you, just name it."

"Well Mr. Niccals, there is _one_ thing I really need..." I began, then pointed at Ace. "This man kidnapped one of our world's heroes, Miss Buttercup Utonium herself!"


	41. Ace's Aesop Soap Opera

CHAPTER 40: ACE'S AESOP SOAP OPERA

The crowd gasped, but Murdoc just shook his head.

"I always knew I'd have to arrest you someday," he said, glaring at Ace.

"Wait, but you don't have the authority to arrest him," required Snake.

"Yes I do, actually," their agent said. "I was in the R.A.F., so I can make a citizen's arrest."

"And so can I!" I added, and we both turned to Ace. "You're outnumbered, Ace. Just surrender peacefully, and I won't use any weapons."

"No, wait, please, let me explain!" Ace begged, falling to his knees. "I-I'll tell ya the whole story. It all started back in Januray...

* * *

(Ace is standing in Marquee Row, in a coat and earwarmers) Yo, look at that stud over there, it's me, Ace! So anyway, the Gang was leaving garbage all over the trailer again. Which is fine by me, but Murdoc roasts my ass if it's dirty so it had to go before he came back from his beauty parlor appointment (I do not go to the beauty parlor!) so I got everything cleaned up. See, fellas? I'm a good guy!

But then came the tricky part: actually dumping all that shit. (huh huh huh) Shut it, Grubber! The dumpster was full, so I had to think of somethin' else. So I stole a jetski and headed out to Skull Isle, where I normally dump the trash (That's illegal, you moron!) Mind yer own business, you cow!

So I got to the beach, after about fifteen minutes, because the sea was frozen because it was the middle of wintah. Luckily the jetski was able to break through it but it took some time man. Finally I came up on the beach, and emptied the trash can on the sand. Then the wind blew by and carried away a Mickey D's wrapper.

I laughed watching it fly away, but was startled when I saw it land on the face of a corpse a few yards away. I ran over, it was a woman. A black-haired woman. A young blackhaired woman I happened to know, and happened to think was dead.

That corpse, as you can imagine, was Buttercup.

At first I cried, because we used to be friends, she and I, when she was a little girl. I listened for a pulse, thankfully it was still there, but really weak. I groganed her corpse over onto the ketski, and brought her back to the trailer to nurse her back to health.

She finally woke up later that day after some hot soup and less groganing. But she couldn't remember who she was, yeah? But I had bonded with her so much... and I missed when we were friends. So I said her name was Belladonna, she was our backup singer, and had gotten hit in the head with a stagelight that caused her to lose consciousness and her memory. So there.

* * *

"Go ahead," Ace whimpered, falling to his knees and putting out his hands for cuffing, "take me away, lock me up! Alls I wanted was a friend, alls I wanted was to make it up to her for ruining our relationship all those years ago! If that makes me a bad person, then throw me in the calaboose already!"

"Don't mind if we do!" said one of the officers who had shown up during Ace's diatribe, and he threw the cuffs on his skinny green wrists and hauled him away.

Before they left, though, Butterdonna was shaking in shock and fear. "He... he lied to me... a-all this time?" she asked, her voice trembling. Suddenly filling with fury, like a toilet bowl at the Townsville chili cookoff, she punched Ace in the gut. "THAT'S FOR EVERYTHING, JERKWAD!"

But she didn't realize that becase she was a Powerpuff, she had superhuman strength, even while still severely weakened from her fight with Mojo. She punched a hole entirely through him.

"Oh, no! We gotta get him to the hospital STAT!" cried the other officer that was handling him. They threw him in the back of the pilice car and booked it to the hospital... gee I wonder if they've cleaned up yet after the explosion.

After watching them speed away, I turned to Butterdonna, who was still fuming. "Uh... hey... are you okay?" I asked.

" _No,_ " she responded, baring her teeth looking real scary.

"Come on, I know what'll make you feel better," I said,

" **WHAT?** " she shouted.

I smiled. "... seeing your family again."

I brought Buffercup back to Pokey Oaks South, and knocked on the front door. She stood next to me, nervous, like her family wouldn't accept her no more? But I assured her that they've missed her and have been worried sick. _I'd_ been worried sick. _Veeryone_ had been worried sick.

The door opened, and there stood Professor Utonium. Looking as restful as ever. "Oh. Hello there, Wind. What can I do for you this fine morning?"

"Sir," I said, smiling, and gesturing to Buttercup," I've found your daughter."

Tired, Professor Utonium turned to look at the young woman just inches beside me. His eyes lit up just the tiniest bit as he looked at her hopefully. "... Buttercup?"

She smiled shyly. "Hi, Professor."

All ot once, it seemed like life returned to the Professor. He cried out in joy as he practically jumped out the door and embraced his daughter, sobbing loudly. Buttercup cried too, so happy to be home. I started crying. All that crying attracted the attention of Blossom and Bubbles, who came floating dowsntairers asking "What's all the hubbub Porfessor?" then after they saw their sister alive and well they zoomed out the door in a flash to join the hug. I wiped a tear from my eye at the sight. The Utoniums were now reunited.

My mission completed, I bid the family farewell (they didn't really notice they were too happy to have Buttercup back) and took the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. back to das Jungle Outpost. Upon returning no one was particularly happy to see me back. That's okay I'm hard to live with. I asked the dude who had sworn at me the first day I was here where Numbuh 4 was, he said in the mess, so I headed over.

Numbuh 4 was sitting at one of the tables stuffing large spoonfuls of mashed potatoes into his butt to see how much he could fit in there out of boredom. When he noticed me he glared up at me and said, "Well, look who finally came back."

"Sorry, Wallabee," I said, blushing, "I found a lead on Buttercup, and checked it out. I actually managed to find her!"

"Don't _"Wallabee"_ me!" he snapped, pointing the large melamine spoon at me. "This Outpost depends heavily on everyone here. You were supposed to be back hours ago to help organize the next raid. We had to cancel the meeting since you weren't here!"

"Sorry," I said, "but I had something more important on my-"

"More important?!" his Aussie was showing. "Wind, _you_ signed onto this team! So you should've been aboslutely certain you could handle the responsibilities thrust upon you thereupon!"

"I... I..." I sighed, nothing I said would've made a difference. "I'll try harder next time, Sir."

"You better not just try," he said, putting his pants back on and grabbing the bowl of potaotes, "you'd better _do._ " He walked past me and out of the mess.


	42. Return to Camp Kidney

CHAPTER 41: RETURN TO CAMP KIDNEY

As soon as he got outside all the mashed potatoes Numbuh 4 had spooned into his arse came out in an explosion of buttery goodness all over himself and all over the mess' entrance ramp. It looked like when you get a new tube of toothpaste with the little foil seal on it, and you squeeze down on it to try and blow the seal off instead of peeling it, and all the toothpaste just shoots out and goes everywhere. Only this toothpaste was made out of tater. Everyone in the Outpost started laughing, myself included. The traumatized cook behind the counter (who had the misfortune of witnessing Numbuh 4 fill his toot stocking for hours) pointed at him and shouted, "That's for ruining my eyesight!" Embarrassed and terribly buttery, Numbuh 4 shuffled away to his cabin to get cleaned up.

The next morning I was given a mission to head back to camp Kidney with the guy who swore at me (his name was Harlan) and this fairly new operative named Cynthia (codenamed Numbuh 2873, but she let me use her real name) to check on them see how they were doing after having one of their campers literally die. At first I said "No" but then I heard Skip wailing in agony from the nurse's tent, and begrudgingly decided to accept the mission for his sake. We were given granola bars and thermoses of lemonade by Numbuh 3 despite it only being a twenty minute walk but we accepted anyway and boy were they good. I actually ate half of them on the way and was extremely embarrassed, so I filled most of the empty wrappers with dirt to make it look like I hadn't eaten them.

When we reached Camp Krodnar, we caught sight of the Scoutmaster's assistant, Slinkman, outside helping the surviving children (except Skip, since he was at our Outpost) dig a grave for Chip. It was right beside the latrines, his favorite spot. When we appraoched Slinkman saw us and said,

"Good morning, soldiers. Can I help you today?"

"Actually, we're here to see if we can help _you,_ " said Harlan. "We understand that this is a very distressing time for you all. Can we do anything for you, arrange a supplies drop perhaps?"

"Well, the campers _have_ been getting pretty antsy, and they've been taking a huge toll on our marshmallow reserves," said Slinkman.

"We can have a crate of about 200 pounds of Jet-Puffed arrive at 1900 hours, best to to it after daylight so they don't melt and get everywhere."

"Thank you, Sir."

Witnessing the children dig a grave was too much for me to handle. "Um, I'm gonna walk around, survey the area a little bit" I said and quickly got the heck out of there jeez they would be scarred for life.

I walked around I saw the Scoutmaster's cabin. Immediately furious, I ran up and started banging on the door. "Open up, you son of a bitch! You let Chip die! I've got a grieving kid on my hands because _you_ didn't keep your campers safe!"

He didn't answer, but I could see his shadow clear as day in his office. I shrieked in anger, kicking at his door until it splintered, but in the end I knew that killing or severely mutliating Lumpus wouldn't solve anything, other than making me feel better. I left him alone... for now.

I walked around to the south end of the camp and my intestines contracted. "Oh no..." I said, cold sweats appearing on my arms and thighblades, " **the fiber in the granola bars.** " I looked around wildly for the latrines I had to make doo-doo. Thankfully there was an outhouse on this end so I didn't have to poop near a grave, but just as I was about to head in I caught sight of the... the... what was his name? That one villain but he's an awful villain and his gimmick is being a toilet and he's got this toilety name that tries to be imposing? Well that guy. He was sitting at the firepit pouting with his arms crossed and just looking generally angry. I wondered why he was upset, he's normally happy-go-lucky despite being a failure. His getup reminded me of my toilet task so I ran in and took care of business first before talking to him.

After doing so I left the outhouse and went back over to him. "Uh, hey, uh... Crapper Disaster?"

"It's-" he began as he turned to look at me, then his face changed to shock and he said, "Oh, h-hello Wind!"

"It's okay, I'm not going to arrest you," I said.

"Oh, good."

"Why do you look so down?" I fought with myself to not add "the drain" to that sentence. "Normally you're the happiest villain I ever see?"

"Well, it's kind of hard to be happy right now!" he snapped. "We had a camper die, the Scoutmaster refuses to take responsibility, and everyone's getting tush but me!"

I jumped, startled, and he immediately looked embarrassed. "Uh, I'm sorry, Wind! I didn't mean to say that... it was quite rude of me..."

"It's fine," I said, but it really wasn't, I didn't really understand why _he_ of all people would even _want_ tush, anyway. "So, uh, hey, we're going to be dropping off some marshamllows for the camp later tonight, so you can have like a roast or something. I think it'll help restore morale."

Slowly, he smiled a little. "Yeah, that sounds nice... you're always helping people, Wind. That's... not something I can really do as a villain."

"I don't help people as much as I should," I said darkly. "My boyfriend (or maybe ex-boyfriend?) is missing, and my little dog friend Courage is separated from his owner, and my mom is in prison, and I have- I mean and that poor boy died, and I haven't been able to help any of them."

"None of those are your fault, Commander," he said. "You have a lot of responsibility and things to do. And sometimes... some things just can't be helped."

"Yo, Shitstorm!" called one of the campers teasingly at Crapper Disaster

" **IT'S** _ **THE TOILETNATOR!**_ " he yelled back, clenching his fists his eyes were on fire, yikes.

"Sorry I got your name wrong," I said.

"Oh! It's, uh, it's fine," he said, blushing at his behavior. "Hey, uh, if we have a marshmallow roast-out tonight, w-would you like to stay for it? I feel, uh, really bad about scaring you just now..."

"I'd _love_ to!" I said, because I _really_ didn't want to eat in the mess back at the Outpost tonight, not after Numbuh 4's anus spilled mashed potatoes all over everything, no sir. "We'll be dropping them off at seven, so make sure you get the firepit and weenies ready!"

"Huh?" Toiletnator asked, shocked and blushing! Then he realized what exactly I said and said "Oh yeah, uh, right! Uh, see you tonight!"

I bid him farewell and tried not to think about his weenie. Ick it was probably disgusting. Maybe even mordibly obese. OH SWEET CANDY CORN so anyway I met back up with the others, we bid farewell to Skinkman, and headed back to the Outpost only to return hours later in a helicopter.


	43. Marshmallow Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: things get crazy oin this chapter. Also please remember to drink in moderation. Happy Saturday ya'll.

CHAPTER 42: MARSHMALLOW HELL

We flew the chopper above the camp, listening to Slinkman's directions over the radio.

"Steady, a little closer, stop, yes, right there," he said over his headset, and I had the awful thought that this was probably also what he sounded like during sex. He just has that stale bread personality.

Or maybe he's like stale bread most of the time but in the bedroom he gets _freaky._ The way he talked about Slugfest and how they all just slimed each other for days and the way he jiggled when he said it... somethin's weird about that guy.

Thinking about it promptly made me throw up out the window as Harlan lowered the crate of marshmellows. The puke rained down on the roof of the latrines and a camper inside said "Darn it, it's raining!" but then he came out and saw it wasn't so he was happy they didn't have to cancel the cookout.

Slinkman and Lazlo got the fire going while Raj and Clam passed out weenies. Everyone agreed that Edward should replace Raj when it was time to break out the barshmallows though because Raj had a marshmallow addiction, at least he used to and had been clean for about a year now, but no one wanted him to fall back into that trap. We all sat down, and, awkwardly, Toiletnator took the spot next to me because I was the only one who showed him kindness.

Weenies were roasting and Edward was boasting and my ass hurt so bad on the log. I happened to be sitting on the stump of a branch and it was lodged in my rear, I thought it was great at first because it kept me from sliding off the log, but after a few minutes it just started to hurt and the bark chafed. It also kind of reminded me of making love to Eldridge _Johnson_ meyer and I really didn't want to think of _him_ right now.

After about an hour it was time for the campers to go to bed, and once they did Slinkman turned to us and said, "Now, for the _adults_ to have fun!" Smiling, he held up a bottle of marshmallow-flavored vodka.

" _Oh shit, I knew this guy was whack,_ " I said, but was also immensely grateful for the alcohol because I just _needed_ to drown out my sorrows just this once. (I do not condone drinking irresponsibly please follow the law and don't drink to much please I'm begging you) (also does Grey Goose even still sell that marshmallow vodka?)

Everyone got a glass and some of us put marshmallows on the rim to make it even fancier. Cynthia passed out after one glass dang she had no tolerance. Harlan was worried so he stopped in the middle of his drink and loaded her into the chopper to take her home, then remembered I was still with them. Slinkman gave him the keys to an unused cabin so Cynthia could rest in there and not get bitten by mosquitoes.

About three drinks in we were all getting pretty tipsy. Slinkman was actually hiccuping up slime bubbles which was disgusting in numerous ways. But we chatted and he said, "So, Commander, any sign of *hic* Sir Dexter lately?"

"No," I said sadly, swirling my vodka as I thought of him. "Still missing... he's why I transferred out here, ya know? To watch the hub and see if he ever came back..."

"Is he your boyfriend?" Toiletnator asked.

"It's... complicated," I explained. "We used to date but he dumped me after losing his hands in a horrible explosion I technically caused. Then we were back together for a short time, but that was only because he was possessed by a horny ghost. Now... I don't even know what we are."

"Oh, Wind!" cried Toiletnator! "That's awful! I am so sorry!"

"Thank you," I said, smiling at him he was so nice. "Oh, Ive actually got a question for you two too?" I asked? "Do either of you know Roquefort?"

"Roquefort?" Slinkman repeated. "Like, the cheese?"

"No, he's this surfer dude I've met a couple times out here," I said. "Tall, beefy chest, a true gentleman, goes surfing on Leakey Lake."

"Never heard of him," said Slinkman. "It's kind of impossible to surf on the lake, anyway."

"Oh, that's too bad," I said sadly. "He was really nice, I am trying to learn more about him..."

"What's so great about Roquefort, anyway?" snapped Toiletnator, crossing his arms. "People only like him because he's pretty. But there's nothing there. It's just a facade."

"You know him?" I asked.

"... yeah," he said, sadly, "I do."

"What can you tell me about him?" I pled. "Please, even if it's bad... I need to know..."

"... he's..." Toiletnator began, but we was distracted by a light flicking on and off from Lumpus' room.

"Oh!" Slinkman said, suddenly energized?! "Pardon me, I've got to, uh, do one last night check before hitting the hay!" He ran off in the direction of the latrines. "Goodnight, Commander!"

"Well, I guess that leaves us alone," I said, "in the deep, dark, scary camp... where a kid just died..."

"Try not to think about it, Wind," Toiletnator said, trying to calm me. "Whatever's out there... I-I'll protect you."

I turned to look at him. "But why, though? You're a villain... and I'm a hero. Why would you want to protect me?"

"Be... because..." he said, his lips trembling, "The world _needs_ you, Commander... you're sweet, and funny, and you work so hard... and... oh gosh, I think I'm crazy for you."

Now gather 'round, my friends, because I'm going to break down something for you. Hormones are a very scary, unusual thing. They make you crazy, make you go wild with lust and before you know it you're rolling around in the mud with the guy who calls you "Boobface" at school. And that's essentially what happened here, because Wind immediately pounced on Toiletnator with the look in her eye of a bloodthirsty animal, the kind you hear howling outside your tent at night because it wants to rip you to pieces.

"Do... do you really think that?" I asked, gently caressing his cheek.

His face was bright red from embarrassment. "Y... Yeah..."

"That's all I needed to know," I said, and began sucking his face.

"Oh, Wind," Toiletnator moaned, grabbing for my ass oh dang this felt so wrong, but also felt so wright? Like we had been waiting to do this all this time, and were finally getting the chance, despite only knowing each other for a day. But that's alcohol for you.

" _Make love to me, Toiletnator,_ " I begged into his ear, I meant for it to be a seductive whisper but it came out as a scream that blew out his eardrum and scared the campers out of a sound sleep. They were too young to know what I meant but they sensed that it was something very, very bad.

The alcohol and the hormones were churning into a putrid monsoon of bodily secretions and bad decisions, and we tried to think of a good place to make whoopie comfortably. The chopper? No, Harlan would get mad. Then I thought...

"Here," I said, and led him to the Scoutmaster's cabin, we were both snickering all the way. This would be the perfect way to get back at Lumpus for letting Chip die, and we would avenge his soul.

after punching through the screen door and unlocking it, I quietly opened it and we tiptoed inside and into Lumpus' office. I swept my arm across his desk and threw all the shit that was on it to the ground. Then I turned to Toiletnator.

" _Drop 'em,_ " I commanded.

He looked a little scared this was probably his first time. It wouldn't be surprising. But he unbuckled his poants and dropped em to the floor. His ding-dong was ready

" **Yes,** " I said, my voice deep and baritone from anticipation, " **and now... for my reveal...** " I shredded off my clothes revealing my pink with black polka-dots lingerie, why had I worn lingerie if I didn't know I was going to be gettin' the loving? Well the answer is I've been wearing lingerie every day so I can surprise Dexter when I finally find him. Also I just find it comfortable and honestly that's the most important reason. Plus they're pretty.

Toiletnator was shaking now yep this was deifinitely his first time. "Toiletnator... we don't have to do this if you're not comfortable..." I said.

"No, I," he said, "I want to make love, Wind. Even if it kills me."

"Haha, yeah, even if it-" I laughed, then remembered. "OH, SHIT. Toiletnator, we can't do this! I have-"

"What's all the racket in here?!" shouted a nasally voice, and the light in the office turned on.

Scoutmaster Lumpus was standing in the doorway, and he began screaming in shock at the sight of two horny fighters using his desk as a whoopie apparatus. "WHO ARE YOU TWO AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY DESK?!"

"It's not what we're doing TO your desk, it's what we're doing ON your desk," I corrected, annoyed. Then Slinkman walked up beside him wearing a French maid's uniform and lipstick OMG

"What's wrong, Sir?" he asked, then saw us. "Oh."

" _These two hooligans_ were present for your cookout, _weren't they,_ Slinkman?" Lumpus asked, gesturing to us.

"Yes, Sir."

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, SLINKMAN!" Lumpus shouted.

"Hey, you!" I said, jumping off the desk and marching up to him, "I've got a bone to pick with you - why didn't you get the campers to safety when you were first warned of a terrafuser incoming?! A boy is _dead_ because of you!"

"I don't have to answer to the little tart who's desecrating my desk!" he snapped, and brought up the holy cow shotgun he'd been hiding behind his back. "Now get out of my cabin!"

Normally I'd take out my dreihander and cut his hands off, _poor Decter,_ but I was in my underwear and thus had no spot on me to keep it. I was unarmed. "RETREAT!" I shrieked, and Toiletnator and I jumped out the broken window that was broken because Lumpus shot at it to try and shoot us as we got away, but all he did was give us an escape route.

We ran all the way to the chopper and hid inside, Lumpus didn't come after us and he wasn't firing anymore so we figured we were safe. "Wind, I'm so sorry that happened," said the Toiletnator.

"It's not your fault, I wanted to do it on his desk, _I'm_ the one who put us in danger," I inissted.

"Well... it was kinda fun," he admitted, and we laughed for a little bit before winding down off the adrenaline and were able to think clearly. "So, uh... what were you about to say back there? When you said we couldn't make love?" he asked.

" **oh** " I said, biting my nails for a moment. "Well, uh... I'm sorry I didn't remember until we were about to do the passion dance, Toiletnator, but... I have chlamydia."

"So?" he asked.

"So?!" I responded, "You could contract it! _You could die!_ Hell, _I'm dying!_ "

"You're dying?!" Toiletnator asked, scared.

"The doc told me I only have two years to live," I explained, crossing my arms and turning away. "We caught it late. There's nothing we can do."

"Wind..." he said, sounding like he was on the verge of tears. Swallowing, he took my hands. "Listen... you don't need to worry about me, anyway."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I'm half toilet," he said, giving a sad smile, "so I'm immune to STDs. Except crabs, but they're not really STDs. But I can't contract chlamydia. I can become a vector, but I can't contract it, myself."

"R... really?" I asked, hope filling my heart.

"Really," he said, smiling into my eyes. "And... if you want me, Wind, I'll give you everything I am."

Oh man this was really sudden. "Toiletnator... I..." I looked away. "I need to find Dexter first... and I need to figure out where I stand with him.

"Er, of course," he said, a little embarrassed as he slowly took his hands away.

"And... I need to talk to Roquefort again. Something happened the last time I saw him... I need to figure out why..."

"Oh..." said the Toiletnator, and after a few moments, he said, "You didn't hear it from me, but... I have it on good authority that Roquefort'll be on the Lake tomorrow night."

I whipped around to look at him. "Really?"

"Yeah," he said, scratching the back of his neck. His pants were still missing oh great Harlan would have my ass when he saw the cheek prints in the cockpit. "I do a lot of recon out here... I've kinda figured out his schedule..."

"Thank you, Toiletnator," I said, and brushed his cheek. "You're a very good man."

He smiled a little. "No, I'm not... I'm a villain."


	44. Pineapple Chunks

CHAPTER 42: PINEAPPLE CHUNKS

Sure enough, when Harlan saw the chalky cheek prints on his seat in the chopper, he threatened to pulverize my ass with a wooden spoon. I threatened back to chop off his weenie with my dreihander. After that he backed off.

We went home and went sleep. Except me I had to take another dump before bed. Good gravy it was awful! I will spare you te details but I had to stuff my pillow between my cheeks to provide cushion to my poor hiney

The next morning a group of three soldiers were outside getting ready to go on a larp on one of the nearby fusion monster herds. I could remember them clearly because they were all wearing neat hats, one was wearing a rainbow monkry hat, another was wearing a bowl of tangelos, and the last was wearing a cage with a rabid rat inside doing the moonwalk.

"Okay, we got everything?" asked the one with the cage

"Yep! We're all set!" said the girl with the monkey hat. "We've got plenty of provisions - I packed granola bars for all!"

"Let's hope we don't get constipated!" said the last boy, and they all started laughing.

Then the girl's head exploded.

Blood and gore went everywhere, all over everyone, all over the S.C.A.M.P.E.R., all over the Magic Tree. The Tree screamed, it felt like being covered in pineapple chunks. The boys screamed. Everyone scramed.

I was in the middle of making breakfast for myself, it was a bowl of Clusterfocks cereal, it was little o's like Cheerios to be like saying "OH!" and it also had clusters of oats and other delicious crunchy stuff covered in honey and solidified. Darn now I'm hungry! So I heard the scream and jumped and spilled cereal all over the stovetop.

"WHAT IN WHITE KNIGHT'S FOCKING SWEATY ARSEWHOLE THAT IS SWEATY BECAUSE HE'S ROTTING IN FOCKING SMARMY ABYSUS IN VAN FOCKING KLEISS' PUCKERED FOCKHOLE IS GOING THE FOCK ON OUT THERE?!" I shouted, throwing open my door, startling Courage with my outburst but I was fockin' mad and accidentally channeled White Knight. I froze immediately after seeing the scene outside. The gore. The chunks. The Rainbow Monkey stuffing. And the crumpled cropse of the girl laying there in the sun, her friends bouncing around and screaming in shock and fear.

"OMG?!" I shouted, bringing my hand up to stop the jet of vomit coming up my throat and out my mouth, but I couldn't, it came up and squirted out between my fingers.

Numbuhs 4 and 3 were quickly on the scene, trying to make some space because other soldiers were gathering around the corpse like vultures looking for the softest parts to peck. I came up beside them (I was allowed since I was in the military).

"What happened here, guys?" I asked.

"Her head just... bloody exploded," Numbuh 4 said in disbelief, looking at the carnage.

"W-Well, how on Earth did she manage that, huh?!" I asked.

Suddenly another BOOM sounded from the mess, and something came flying out from the doors, landing at our feet. It was the cook's ear.

People began screaming and panicking even more. "IT IS SPREADING THROUGH THE AIR!" cried one young man, and everyone was scared thinking they were next. We tried to get everyone to calm down, but they didn't actually settle until about fifteen minutes had passed and no one else's cranium had bitten the dust.

"Okay, now that everyone's stopped acting like a bunch of sheilas," Numbuh 4 mumbled, "we need to figure out why this happneed."

"Did they eat dynamite?" asked one person in the crowd.

Numbuh 4 raised his eyebrow. "... what single-brain-celled womb did you crawl out of?"

Mac stepped up to one of the chunks and poked it lightly with a stick. I snapped at him, "Mac! Don't poke at the remains of a dead girl!"

"I'm trying to examine it," he explained,

Zak walked up to the poor disturbed boy and gently guided him away from the scene. We investigated outside, cleaned up all the chunks and threw them in a wheelbarrow there were just so many. By the time we got the yard cleanud up the sun was already setting and I knew I didn't have long before Roquefort showed up at the Lake.

"Uh, hey, Numbuh 4, I've gotta head out to the Lake," I explained.

"Oh, okay Wind, that's fine. You worked really hard today. Why do you have to go over there specifically, though?"

" **Uh,** " I said, realizing I'd said too much, "I wanted to try going fishing."

"Ooh, I wouldn't fish over there," said one girl behind me, "there's nothing but carp in that sludge water, and anything that's still alive has been corrupted by fusion matter,"

" _Yes, I know,_ " I growled, turning to face her ugh there was always one of these in a crowd, " _that's why I want to go over there specifically. To do research._ "

She shrugged and did a little "well suit yourself" expression, man what an asshole. But Numbuh 4 granted me persmission to leave so I left.

As I rode my jetbike over I checked my watch again, the sun had startd to set and it was getting dark so I wanted to see how late it was. "7:15. Great, still early," I said, pleased.

A couple minutes later I arrived at the Lake, it was pitch black now. Couldn't see anything, but I could hear the crickets and the junebugs making love in the grass. It was so beautiful. I was reminded of how Toiletnator and I nearly made love on Lumpus' desk... what would Roquefort think? Maybe he wouldn't be too shaken, it wasn't like we were an official couple or anything. But what about that kiss in the nurse's tent? What did that mean?

"Who are you, Roquefort?" I asked the air. I sighed, but stayed strong. "Well, tonight, I intend to find out."

Then, across the lake, I saw a silhouette. "Roquefort?" I called out, but whoever it was didn't hear me. He was bent over his knees, huffing and puffing, as if he was about to drop over from exhaustion. No, this couldn't have been Roquefort, but he definitely needed help!

"I'll save you, sir!" I said, revving up my jetbike again and flying over the lake to the other side. I hopped off and ran up to what I expected to be a cold corpse on the ground.

"Don't worry, Sir, I'm a Commander in the Dexlabs Army, I can save-!" I said, but skidded to a halt as I took in the scene in front of me. "Wh... what?"

It was Roquefort, and he spun around to look at me. "Wind?!" he asked.

He had just taken a giant toilet paper roll off his head.


	45. Confessions

CHAPTER 43: CONFESSIONS

"Wind!" he said, giving a scared smile and hiding the giant roll behind his back, "you're early!"

"What were you just wearing on your head?!" I asked.

"Oh, this? Uh, I wasn't wearing it!" he lied. "It's, uh... my emergency supply! 'Cause I go camping a lot, and-"

I ran up to him and grabbed for the roll. He fought with me over it, shouting "Hey!" but I wrenched it out of his grasp. I turned it over in my hands. The starlight clearly showed... it was the Toiletnator's mask.

"What did you do to the Toiletnator?!" I shrieked, glaring at him. "Is it because we made out at Camp Kidney last night?!"

"Wind," he said, sadly, taking a moment to breathe before he continued, " _I_ am the Toiletnator."

I froze. "What? No... you can't be..." He couldn't have been. Toiletnator was scrawny, and geeky, and so not-manly. And his physique... "The Toiletnator's got no muscles! Look at you, Roquefort! How do you expect me to believe you're the same person? What, were you compressing your biceps under the spandex?"

"I don't really have muscles, Wind," he said, grabbing hold of a zipper hidden at his collarbone and pulling down. His muscles peeled off. "It was just a skinsuit."

"No... _no..._ " I said, shaking my head and backing away. "I can't believe this..."

"I'm so sorry I lied to you, Wind," he said, sparkling tears welling up in his eyes. "Roquefort... he's just an alter-ego I made up to feel cool at night. Everyone thinks I'm just a dork. No one respects me as a supervillain. So I made him up to feel more confident about myself... I never meant for anyone to get mixed up in the character, but when I saw your dog drowning that night, I knew had to get involved. And when I met you, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful you were. How beautiful you _are._ " He hung his head. "I understand if you don't want to see me again. I just want you to know that... every time I see you, you make me feel good in my own skin. You make me want to just be Lou Pottington."

There was just silence between us for a few moments, with only the croaks of the frogs and chirping of cicadas in the air. Then... I walked up to him, and carefully put his mask back on.

He looked up at me, surprised. I was smiling at him. "And I prefer you as Lou Pottington, and not a beefy made-up surfer."

He smiled, relieved and happy, and I surprised him by going in for a kiss. He accepted, and we shared our first genuine snog under the stars that night on the shore of Leakey Lake. This felt like a dream. The most wonderful dream I'd ever had.

I wish it had been.

* * *

Back at the Outpost, we woke up in my bed covered in kiss marks, and Courage was huddled in his dog bed, shaking in fear. As we got dressed and showered because ew nasty I explained to the Toiletnator that we had two people in the Outpost doie of sudden cranial expansion (or in layman's terms, their heads exploded). He was worried but agreed to stay for breakfast anyway, and what he said next shocked me.

"Oh, and... you don't have to call me The Toiletnator," he said, blushing, "you can call me "Lou.""

"Okay... Lou," I said, secretly cussing him out for not telling me this LAST NIGHT, so then my moaning didn't have to be so awkward for crepes sake.

We made our way to the mess, I was a little scared because Numbuh 4 said we'd be getting a new cook in and he was a little flamboyant. I immediately had visions of Reuben the big fat pig (da dom, da dom) cooking behind the counter, frying up bacon, frying up his own kind, also he was kind of a perv so I didn't trust him. But I pushed the fear away much like how I pushed the doors away to enter the mess.

Everyone was eating fancy food, like cream cheese crepes and belgian waffles with cayenne pepper and organic blueberry pancakes with homemade blueberry syrup.

"Whoa," I said, confused, "this is really focking fancy."

Immediately after I said this, Harlan's waffles went brown and decayed rapidly on his plate. "Thanks a lot, you fat bitch!" he swore, and they shrunk away into nothingness.

"And they expire when you swear around them?!" I said, surprised, "Wow! These sure are fine dining!"

Lou and I walked up to the counter and saw the new cook, his hiney was bouncing around as he pulled a piping hot tray of blueberry muffins from his oven. He striaghtened up and we finally got to see him, he had black hair in a bun and had a thin mustache like a villain would have, and a goatee, and he was dressed in a purple pimp outfit. He was wearing over his pimp garb an apron that read "Kiss Me, I'm Good With Spices." After setting down the muffins to cool, he rolled his eyes to look at us, eyebrows shooting up toward the ceiling.

"What can I do for _your_ tastebuds?" he asked.

"Uh hi, my name is Commander Winf Walter, this is my lover the Toiletnator, who might you be? I heard we were getting a new cook in," Wind asked.

"Me? I am the duke of deliciousness, the ambassador of appetite, the patron of pot roasts!" he went on, before giving us a flourishing bow. "Baron Ambrosia, of the Bronx borough, at your servixe."

Wow this guy was pretty mental. But all good chefs were like that I suppose. "Pleased to meet you."

"Now, what can I get you to eat, my friends?" he asked, drawing out an exhale at the end. He did this every time he spoke, like he was in pain from gas or something. He also kept moving his eyebrows around in scary ways.

"I'll have a fat stack of blueberry pancakes," I ordered,

"And I'll have a belgian waffle," said Lou.

"Coming right up," said the Baron (was he even a real Baron?), and he got to work cookin' it up.

He tossed his rear end around as he worked at the stove, and one of the soldiers started beatboxing him a rhythm.

_Baron Ambrosia_

_Meaty and tall_

_Flippin' them pancakes_

_Won't let 'em fall_

_Fresh from the Bronx_

_Workin' them tongs_

_Swingin' his cheeks_

_Whippin' stiff peaks_

_He can cook anything_

"Anything?" I asked, a little skeptical. I mean yeah, this guy had talent, but there are some things that just aren't edible, like... like... like mosquito larva, for instance.

On cue Zak entered the mess with a large bowl in his hands "Hey guys check it out I just collected a whole bowl full of stagnant water and mosquito larva!" he said, before tripping on his shoelace and accidentally thrwoing the bowl over the counter and into the kitchen. " _Whoa!_ "

The Baron didn't miss a beat as he brought up a frying pan and caught the hundreds, if not thousands, of larva in it and set it down on the stove, cranking it up to high. He threw different seasonings in and tossed it, still cooking our food to perfection.

After a few minutes of browning, he poured the larva onto a plate, delicately placed a garnish on it, added a small cup of hollandaise sauce on the side, and tossed it over the counter, where it slid on the table and stopped in front of Zak, who took out his spoon and tried some.

_Cook 'em up_

_Fry 'em up_

_Serve 'em up_

_WOW_

"Wow! This is fantastic!" said Zak, smiling. "It tastes just like caviar!"

Dozens of people ran outside and came back in with bowls of pond water. "I want some!" "Me too!" "Can I try?" they all said.

"This guy definitely has his work cut out for him," I said, and Zak came over to share his larvae with us.

After trying some, though, I had no more doubt that Baron Ambrosia would be a stellar cook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone else remember Baron Ambrosia from Bronx Flavor? i'm not from the Bronx but I always thought he was funny. I'd completely forogtten about him until I edited this chapter! :o Also I wonder how many people figured out that Roquefort was the Toiletnator? Probably a lot you're all very smart cookies I'm sure. c:


	46. The Mysterious Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how are you all doing? I m fine. Though I have had Uptown Funk stuck in my head most of the day. but I hope all of You are doing well. There's a particular part in this story that just really made me sad made me think of recent events. Nothing triggering, but it still just put a cloud over my head. Just thinking about a lot of stuff lately. I try to keep a happy mood here because you don't click on my stories to dwell on negative stuff, you click on it for entertainment and to forget the bad things in the world for a few minutes. I'm sorry I shouldn't have even brought this up. just take care of yourselves and those you love. Remember to spend time with them every day.

CHAPTER 44: THE MYSTERIOUS MAN

I got up late the next day. Toiletnator had gone back to camp kidney because people would've gotten suspicious if he was still gone. I took a deep whiff of my sheets - they still smelled like toilet. Which normally would've been disgusting, but in this case it was comforting.

I went into the mess and heard Baron Ambrosia laughing while talking to someone. I wondred who it could be... "Who could it be?" I wondered, and went into the kitchen to find out for myself.

There was a big beefy man here wearing a skirt and eating a banana, he was talking with the good Baron. "Oh, hello, Commander Walter," said Baron Ambrosia, turning to me when he saw me enter the kitchen, "I'd like you to meet the Scotsman, he's going to be staying here with us for a little while."

"Oh?" I asked?

"Aye, lass," said the Scotsman, smiling a horribly spotty smile, "I'm here to trawl the Leakey Loch. I've heard rumors o' a _Fusion Demongo_ lurkin' about in the area."

"Oh, that's not good," I said, my stomach was rumbling too loud for me to hear what he was saying compltely so I grabbed an orange and began munching.

Baron Ambrosia had to go to the bathroom so it was just the Csotsman and I in the kitchen. "So, Commander, how many fusions have ye fought? Dozens? Can ye count?"

"I, uh," I said, then swallowed because it's rude to talk with your mouth full, "I haven't... actually fought any yet."

"Then take me word for it, lass," he said, narrowing his eyes, "you'll want to prepare yeself for it. Slowly, with each passing day, this invasion is getting worse. Have ye been to the Darklands, up north? The Earth is literally splittin' apart, fusion matter's spewin' out o' her core. She's bein' _poisoned,_ lass, and frankly, I don't know if we'll be strong enough to save 'er.

"There's a rumor goin' round among the new agey soldiers," he said, laughing a little out of stress, "I don't know if ye've heard of it... they say that this is all part o' the natural order o' things. That these bastards are _meant_ to wipe us all out. That humanity's _meant_ to be eradicated."

"That's..." I said, lowering my orange in disbelief, "... _horrific._ "

"Aye. Some of 'em say it's just survival o' the fittest, others that it's punishment for our sins. The latter... it wouldn't surprise me. Humanity's done some awful things in its time."

"Yeah..." I said, looking down to the floor.

We stood in silence for a moment, before he spoke up. "Ach, I didn't mean to spoil ye breakfast. Don't pay the ramblin's of an old daft codger any mind. Go, make the most of yer day."

He then noticed he'd finished the banana, the peel left in his hand. He turned around to the garbage disposal and stuffed it down, but it jammed when he turned it on.

"Oh, the ol' banana was too much for ye, eh?" he said, laughing.

I rolled my eyes. "Great, he's one of _those,_ " I mumbled.

I left the mess with a lot on my mind, making my heart too heavy to have a spring in my step. I took another bite of my orange but as I did so I looked to my left and saw someone coming off the S.C.A.M.P.E.R..

It was a man.

The same man who tried to abduct me back in City Station.

" _Fock!_ " I swore, ducking behind a nearby gooseberry bush so he wouldn't see me. The man was dressed in a fancy suit, and was wearing a bowler hat. He held onto it as he stepped off, squinting in the sudden sunlight.

After getting off and walking into the Outpost, he asked the first passing officer something I couldn't hear. She smiled, and pointed off in the direction of my cabin.

" _Oh, fock!_ " I swore again, sweating in fear!

He nodded his head and seemed to thank her, before walking to the back of the Outpost and up to my door. He knocked, and waited. After about a minute, he knocked again, impatient. Still nothing, of course, except maybe Courage whining in fear. Frustrated, the man turned around and walked out of the Outpost.

Jumping out of the bush, I ran to the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. pilot. "Hey, you there! Who was that chap who just arrived, the one with the bowler hat?!"

"Let's see, I've got his passport right here," he said, taking it out of his pocket to show me.

I opened it and looked inside, and immediately became furious. "This is _Mojo Jojo's_ passport, you buffoon! Did he _look_ like Mojo Jojo to you?!"

"Uh, er, well," he stammered, knowing he would be getting his hiney cut off and roasted for us all to feast upon for his grievous error (you may think I'm joking, but this is the Wilds and we'd done it before with other negligent soldiers).

I threw the passport down, irritated, and ran back into the mess. Thankfully, the Scotsman was just preparing to leave.

"Scotsman!" I shouted. "I need your help - I need to track a guy who's trying to kidnap me!"

"Why's he-?" he began, but I stopped him with

"THERE'S NO TIME! WE NEED TO HURRY!"

Soon, we burst out of the mess doors on his hovercycle, me riding in the sidecar. "FOLLOW THAT BOWLER HAT!" I cried, and he revved the engine loudly before taking off through the front gate, leaving the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. pilot to hold his hiney as he wept in grief.

After continuing up the road a ways, we finally caught sight of him passing by the Twisted River. Following from a distance, we hopped through the floating platforms of Forgotten Falls and entered the smarmy air of the Monkey Foothills.

I'd never been out this far before from civilization. It was kind of like when you grow up in the citey, and all your life you've breathed in smog-filled air in a cat-fart-filled apartment, then you finally tell your paretns enough is enough and you leave for an exotic island to finally learn how to life your own live. And they beg and scream at you to stay, but you can't keep eaping canned tofu forever. So you leave, and it's the best experience you ever have. Only this was terrible.

There were fusion infected-monkeys flying in the distance, circling around like vultures over the half-corpse of an old man, too feeble to run away. The man was out of sight, he'd rounded a hill a little farther ahead.

"Oi, let's cozy up to that hill, he can't have gone farr." said the Scotsman. I nodded in agreement.

I also tooted out f fear. What could be going on here? What did this guy want with me? Did he know about my chlamydia?

We parked the motortycle by the hill, and slowly inched up to look ofer the crest. There were a few shops here, it was a smaller hub I hadn't visited yet. And speaking to a really shifty, greasy teen was none other than our man of the hour.

"What's he doing here?" I wondered.

"WIND KEEP YER VOICE DOWN YOU BLOODY WENCH YE'LL GIVE US AWAY" the Scotsman whispered, yes I typed it in all caps but it was right into my ear so that's why it seemed loud to me.

The teen's eyes were darting around, looking for anyone who might be listening in. He asked something to the man - I was deaf once and knew how to read lips so I could listen in on what they were saying.

"Were you followed?" asked the teen.

"Of course not. Who in their right mind would follow a man in a bowler hat throughout the jungle?" asked the man.

"Heh, I guess it was smart of you to wear that thing. You find the girl yet?"

"I don't have to answer to you. Where's the Grand Poopbaa?"

"Busy," snapped the teen, narrwoing his eyes. "He left _me_ in charge of meeting with you."

"Well, then, no. I almost had her in Downtown, but the whiny bitch got away,"

"He's not gonna like that."

"He can make out with my shiny plump derriere."

" _Oh, fock, they're talking about me,_ " I whispered, hoarse.

"The derriere?" asked the Scotsman.

" **NO,** " I snapped quietly, "the "whiny bitch!""

"Huh, I can't imagine why they'd call ye that..."

I started crying badly my feelings were hurt. But I kept listening

"Do what you have to do to get her," said the teen, "but she'd better be there for the ceremony."

"You think I don't know that?" asked bowler-hat-man, and he turned to walk past the teen. "Stick to worrying about your grades and washing yor balls."

The teen glared after him a moment, before sighing and walking away, as well.

"What in the fock...?" I asked, watching them exit our field of view. "What are they talking about, ceremony? What do they want with me?!"

I was starting to hyperventilate, and the Scotsman could smell the raw onion I'd eaten that morning. Irritated but also not wanting me to panic, he said, "Now calm down, Commander. Panicking won't help ye none. Whatever they're plottin', they won't get away with it. I'll make sure of it."

But I was already crying so badly my head was spinning around, like an owl's (don't tell no one, but I actually have an owl far up in my family tree. On my father's side. It was like a great or great great grandfather or something. From its genes I can swivel my head all the way around, I also grow sparse feathers from my lower back, where my tail would be. I pluck them since I really don't like them being there. Explaining that I can swivel my head can either make people really intrigued or really disturbed. Explaining _how_ I can swivel my head disturbs them even more. I told Dexter I could when we were dating and he said that was fine, but I swiveled my head once to get freaky when we were making love and he kindly asked me never to do it again in the sack. Curtis knew also but he liked seeing me do it. I don't do it a lot anymore because it's just a hassle to explain to everyone I meet on the street how I can do it. Double-Double-U has some owl powers as well, he can't swivel his head but he has great vision (which is how he succeeded in his studies so easily) but he can't move his eyes like an all-human person would. None of us can fly either which is a pretty major bummer) and tears were showering everywhere, soaking him through. He shook me a little to try and snap me out of it but it wasn't working hm. Resigned to his fate, the Scotsman picked me up and set me back down in the sidecar, and drove us back to the Outpsost. I cried the whole way, but where my tears rained down on the ground, flowers bloomed shortly after, and a rainbow shone across the Wilds.


	47. Penis Stir-Fry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good gravy we're at over 70,000 words so far in this and I'm not even halfway through the original doc yet. Yes it is very long. The original was 100 chapters, but it may be more or less depending on what's waiting for me as I clean it up (for instance, chapters 8 and 9 were both one chapter originally, but I didn't think they worked together and the pacing seemed off, so I broke them in two to make it flow better. So the final count may vary.) From here the plot should be a little more focused and stop winding all over the place. When I first started writing this I kinda got distracted and decided to treat it as more of a character diary than an actual story, but as I got older I really wanted to get back to plot-driven chapters. So there shouldn't be anymore "omg Buttercup is missing I must go find her!" and then five seconds later "wow look over there an ice cream truck c'mon gaiz!" I mean there will still be breather chapters but it should be more straightforward than it has been. Sorry I wanted to keep the original as intact as possible and there was still some stuff during the rambling chapters that is important later on... :o but still I am sorry. I hope you enjoy this though and it brightens your day! :D

CHAPTER 45: PENIS STIR-FRY

I got out of bed the next morning, dehydrated from crying. I'd apparently passed out on the way home and the Scotsman had brought me home while I was unconscious, tucked me into bed and read me a bedtime story, then left. He'd also patted Courage on that weird bump he has on his head. What a nice gentleman.

Unfortunately, today was still soured by the knowledge of my mission this fine morning: a visit to my mother in prison.

I cooked up an omelette du fromage and ate that sucker up, cheese and sour cream went everywhere. I cleaned up brushed my teeth, then got dressed in my nicest clothes to offset the awful prison setting. And to make my mom happy because she always loved buying us nice clothes (you can guess where she got the money from). I patted Courage on the bump and told him I'd be back later, "Okay, let's get this over with," and stepped out the door

and almost right into Murdoc Niccals, who was standing in my doorway with a seductive smile on his face.

"Hey, baby," he purred, "how are you this fine morning?"

"I'm good, Murdoc," I said, trying to squeeze past him, "I gotta go pay my mom a prison visit though I'll chat later."

"Leaving so soon?" he asked, cocking his head. "I was thinking you and me could spend some _quality time_ together."

" _Ugh,_ " I sighed, rolling my eyes, "Murdoc, I gave you clam-to-weenie resuscitation _once,_ and only then to save your life. It doesn't mean we're together or anything."

"Oh, but if you gave me the chance, I'm sure I could convince you to reconsider," he said, running his emaciated, dry-as-a-tea-biscuit finger along my jaw. "I can make you _very happy._ "

"Ick!" I snapped, slapping his hand away and shoving my way past him, he fell against the door and then onto his tush in the dirt. "Leave me alone, you fockin' weaner jockey!" I said as I ran to the S.C.A.M.P.E.R..

"Where ya goin', beautiful?" he called, running after me!

I jumped into the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. and yelled at the pilot to "STEP ON IT!" which he did, but as soon as I got buckled in I saw that Murdoc had managed to get to the S.C.A.M.P.E.R., hurry, and was sitting right next to me with his arm around me on the backrest.

" _Ugh, you just don't take no for an answer,_ " I snapped, folding my arms and turning away.

"C'mon, love," he said, "I'm not that bad of a bloke."

"Yes you are," I snapped, "I've heard you worship evil, or maybe it's bakeries."

"That's not entirely true," he said, pulling his arm away, "I worship a volcano god."

"Oh." "You mean like Pele?"

"I said volcano _god,_ not god _dess,_ " he repeated. "But essentially yes. I'm part of the cult of Gwapanotka, the ancient volcano deity of volcanoes, fire, death, suffering, aging, sweet syrups, and planet creation."

"Sweet syrups?" I asked, raising an eyebrow as I turned to face him.

"We typically throw cinnamon rolls or glazed scones into volcanoes to appease him."

"Oh, I guess that's what made me think of bakeries."

We arrived in City Station and we took a taxi to the prison, which was in City Point. It was right across from Dizzy World, oddly enough. So we went in, I walked up to the front desk and introduced myself, showed my badge, and said iwas here to see my druggie mother.

"Of course, Commander. She's in the visiting room, you know what they look like, you've probably seen them on TV, it's the long room with the glass in the middle and the mock telephones."

"Yeah, I know what they look like."

"Mrs. Walter will be at seat #3. I'm terribly sorry, Commander."

I thanked her and told Murdoc where we were going. We walked through the prison to the visiting room, we even had to walk past the cells. A guard would normally escort visitors through here but since I'm a commander I could escort us both. Prisoners shouted slurs and curse words at us and made creepy comments at me just because I'm female. I returned their words tenfold but it didn't really shut them up, turns out they only wanted a reaction huh who would've guessed. Anyway we got to the end of that perfume department and finally reached the visiting area.

My mom was sitting in white and orange stripes at booth #3, looking very sad, but she perked up once she saw us. "Wind! Hi! Over here, honey!" she called, waving her hand.

"Mom!" I cried, and ran over to the seat. Murdoc raced me for it but I got my cheeks on there first, green stinkin' bastard. "How have you two been?" I asked Momla.

"We're fine Wind," she said smiling, "your sibling has started kicking already I am so happy and can't wait to meet him or her. Or possibly they."

"Neither can I," I said happily.

"Speaking of, who is this fine chap?" Mom asked, looking at Murdoc who was getting ready to snap my neck because _he_ wanted the chair. When he he heard her ask this he immediately snapped back and pretended he wasn't about to kill me. Mom fell for it hm

"Oh, this is Murdoc Niccals," I said, glaring at him. "He won't leave me alone."

"Hmm, his name sounds familiar," pondered Mom?

"Yeah, he's the agent for the Gangreen Gang, and he used to be the cellist for Gorillax," I explained

Mom immediately got excited. "I _thought_ he looked familiar!" she shrieked, and asked him, "Mr. Niccals, can you autograph my jumpsuit? I'm a big fan of Gorillaz!"

Murdoc was about to tell her "Piss off," but seeing this heavily-pregnant woman in prison but still managing to smile melted a tiny bit of his rotten, coal-black heart. "Er, well... alright."

Mom signaled to the guard and he unlocked the door so she could walk out and onto our side... the soide of freedom. He gave Murdoc a gel pen and the musician doodled up his name on my Mom's sleeve.

"Woo! When I get out of here, I'll make sure I keep this jumpsuit forever! And if they don't let me have it, I'll just get myself arrested again so I can keep wearing it!" Mom said.

" _Mom,_ " I whined.

"Just teasing, sweetheart," she said, and smiled at Murdoc. "So, what are you doing following my daughter around? Are you training under her?"

"No, but I'd like to train _her_ under _me,_ " he said, giving a sickly seductive smile?!

"DARN IT, MURDOC!" I snapped! "THAT IS MY _MOTHER_ YOU'RE TALKING TO! AND I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!"

"Oh, and how is Dexter doing, Wind?" Mom asked, she probably didn't get what Murdoc said at all thank goodness.

"It, uh... it kinda fell through, Mom," I explained sadly. "Turns out he got possessed by an elderly farmer and had no idea he was seeing me again. Then after I exorcised him someone kidnapped him...I've been trying to find him for weeks now."

"Oh Wind!" Mom cried! "I am so sorry to hear that! Poor Dexter, it seems nothing but bad things have been happening to him lately."

"Yeah, I know," I said, fighting back tears.

"But, this does actually remind me of something I'd like to tell you," she said, and waved to the guard to unlock the door again so she could return to the other side. After doing so and sitting her immense pregnant arse down she said through the glass, but I couldn't hear her, so she said through the phone, "I've met someone while I've been here, and I think you'll really like him!"

"MOM!"I screamed, "YOU'RE HERE SERVING A SENTENCE! NOT TO GO SPEED-DATING!"

"We met each other on the playground, and we started talking over volleyball and I think he might be Mr. Right," she said happily and cluelessly.

" _Ugh,_ " I sighed, then caved in and said, "what's his name?"

"Kevin Levin. He's serving a sentence of destroying numerous cities and nearly killing Ben Tennyson, don't you know him sweetie? He's a friend of yours? He's the one who put Kev behind bars, he's still not too fond of him but he's changed a lot here, and he treats me like a queen."

"Yeah sure that's nice Mom," I grumbled, not really listening anymore."

Our time allotted with Mom came to a close and a big beefy guard with a cattle prod came up behind us and said in his thick German accent that if we didn't leave, he would impregnate us. We said goodbye to Mom, Murdoc asked her to say "hi" to Kevin for him just to get on my nerves, Mom blew me a kiss through the glass and we left the big house for the free world.


	48. The Boy in the Jungle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eek readers i am so sorry! Something awful happened when I grabbed the text for this cahpter and I wound up grabbing half of this one and half from one several chapters later?! i feel so bad it was an awful mistake i am so sorry. i don't think anyone got the chance to read the last few chapters before I pulled them so hopefully no one got spoiled. Here's the fixed chapter 46 and the correct proceeding chapters will be uploaded oin the coming days or so. Have a wonderful day. c: also yay summer! :D

CHAPTER 46: THE BOY IN THE JUNGLE

I took in huge lungfuls of the humid jungle air, and the sweet-sour aroma from the nearby flowers. I was taking a stroll throuhg the jungle to unwind after a hard week on the job (and cleaning the kitchen with the good Baron). I could only handle so much of his boisterous personality so I really, _really_ needed this time off.

As I passed by Leakey Lake I thought o the Scotsman. Then I heard a tinkling sound. Pissed off at the idea that he was pissing in the fusion matter lake, which was kinda funny I admit since it was like a massive middle finger at Fuse, but I was still annoyed, I ran around the hill blocking my view of the Leakey and prepared to kick the Scotsman into it for his behavior.

But when I looked at the bridge, and saw the source of the tinkling, I was surprised to see it wasn't the Scotsman, but a young boy laughing. He turned to me insurprise.

"Oh, hello there, friend!" he said his voice was annoying. "Are you on an adventure out here?"

"Uh, no," I said, kinda weirded out who left this kid out here? I mean with Mac and Zak it was one thing they weren't alone, but the only arguable adult out here was the Dexbot a few feet away that was testing the fusion matter levels in the loch.

"Oh, that's too bad," the boy said, giving an exaggeratd frown. "I guess we're in the same boat then. I wish I could go on an adventure, but I can't find Cap'n K'nuckles and Buppy... and she gets man when I go off on my own... but she also gets mad when I go anywhere with the Cap'n..."

"Oh, you're lost?" I said, walking up to the boy and kneeling before him. "Where did you last see your family, child?"

"At The Destruction of Stormalong," he said. "Our dock town was destroyed by the fusions, and Buppy had both of us in her mouth, but something happened and we were spit up. I was unconscious and when I woke up, I was washed up on the shore of the Twisted River." "So I've just been waiting here for them..."

"I'm so sorry, kid- er, what's your name?" I asked.

"Flapjack!" he said happily.

"... why did your parents name you that? Were they high?" was what I _wanted_ to say, but this kid had gone through enough without me pointing out his unfortunate name. "Nice to meet you, Flapjack," I said, shaking his hand. "I'm Commander Wind Walter, of the Dexlabs Army."

"Ooooh, a Commander!" he said, slapping his cheeks excitedly. "Do you have a gun?"

"Several," I said, and holstered my pistol a little tighter I didn't quite trust this kid yet. "So, you're all alone out here? You've been taking care of yourself?"

"Yeah... but it's okay! I've found a lot of berries to eat and I sleep under leaves at night for a blanket," he explained, though I really didn't need him to to know he was caring for himself, the stench and the massive amount of dirt on his clothes told me everything I needed to know.

"Well... how about you come back to the Outpost with me? We can get you some decent food, decent sleeping quarters, and a decent toilet so you won't have to dig a hole and will be able to wash your hands, I'm sure they need it?" I offered.

"I don't know..." he said, sadly. "What if Buppy is looking for me out here? I might miss her..."

"What does this "Buppy" look like, Flapjack?" I asked?

"She's a whale!" he said happily. "She's absolutely frigging enormous, you can't miss her!"

"You're looking for a focking whale?!" I said in disbelief, then covered my mouth because I didn't want to use such strong language around the child. I looked around, there was no running water around here. No access to the ocean. "Uh, I mean, kid, I don't think she'll be coming around here any time soon. And she'll probably be happier if you were in the care of the military rather than fending for yourself out in the sticks."

"Hm... I guess you're right," he said, looking around worriedly.

"It'll be okay, Flapjack," I said, offering him my hand to hold. "I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."

He looked t my hand warily for a few moments, before finally taking it and smiling up at me.

I brought him back to camp he was starving so the Baron made him a fluffy stack of pancakes, tall and stacked, and that's a fact, ain't holdin' nothin' back. Speaking of, Flapjack poured more blueberry syrup on those things than should be legal in any civilized country, I was certain he would get diabetes. If he didn't already have it, since he told me where he came from there was a candy bar (a literal bar that sold candy like alcohol only you didn't need to be over 21 to go there) and he and this "Cap'n K'nuckles" joker were looking for this magical place called Candy Isalnd.

"It's a whole island made out of candy!" Flap jack said excitedly.

"Oh you poor child," I said and began crying, half because his guardians apparently had no qualms about getting this poor boy worked up over the idea of a whole island of candy, as well as him thinking he had to explain what "Candy Island" would be. I think we all know what it is come on its obvious.

We got the little ankle biter a cot in Numbuh 4's cabin, Wallabee wasn't particularly happy about it, and was about to protest when a BOOM sounded from the other end of the Outpost, near the S.C.A.M.P.E.R.. Worried, we ran over to find a young man's head had just exploded.

"WHAT IN THE SEVEN SEAS?!" Flapjack cried, and promptly fainted. I caught him.

People started getting all scared again screaming and crying and running around like ostriches with no sand to shove their heads in, so I fired my cherry pop gun in the air to make everyone shup ut. "EVERYONE," I said once they'd stopped, I made sure my voice was loud and deep so they would listen. "SETTLE DOWN. CARRYING ON WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM WHATEVER IS DESTROYING THE HEADS OF OUR COMRADES."

Thankfully the commanding baritone of my voice did catch their attention, it was after all, quite deep. (I don't think I've made it clear just how deep Wind's voice is. Go to Youtube for a moment, don't worry, I'll wait. Look up the Nightmare Before Christmas video game, Oogie's Revenge, and watch the first boss fight - I think it's the first? It's been a while since I played but I remember it's the one where Jack fights Oogie Boogie and Ooogie kinda looks like a shadow sometimes... anyway during the rhythm game sequence, slow it down to .5 speed when Ogoie is singing "WOW" (that is what it says in the subtitles but he's really saying "WOOHOO") and just... listen. This is how I always imagined Wind's voice sounding. I don't know why. She just has a lot of testosterone, I guess. But it is, as the French would say, tres deep.) (also I just realized Eldridge Johnsonmeyer looks a lot like Oogie Boogie?! maybe they were inspired by his countenance.) With everyone calmed down Wallabee and KUki were able to get across the yard without having to wade through a sea of scared sheep. Sure enough, the man who's head exploded was dead, and there were chunks all over the S.C.A.M.P.E.R.

"Wallabee," Kuki shispwered, scared, "this is the third time this week."

"This week?!" one soldier who had come off the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. cried.

"Uh, n-no, I wasn't talking about the guy's head exploding! I was, uh, talking about Numbuh 4 passing gas! Shame on you, Numbuh 4!" she said, mocking a glare at him.

He frowned. "Thanks, Kuki."

Not fooled at all, the soldier ran back to the pilot. "Take me back to Peach Creek, I ain't staying here!"

"Uhh... no refunds!" stated the pilot, but soon he was getting beaten by the horde of angry customers. I had to pull them offa him to save his life hm.

We cleaned up the guts with glory, and brought the pieces of the late young man into the nurse's tent. Nurse Lesley (he had transferred here when the war began to be of better aid than just rolling around a summer camp, he felt very bad about not being there when Chip died though) took the bucket of brains and put it in the freezer to examine later, right now he had to feed Skip pudding.

I went to bed early that night, tomorrow I had to take Courage back to his owner. It would be a grueling, perilous journey through the canyon. I had to make sure we were rested up. I patted Courage's distracting head bump and kissed him goodnight, then turned off the light.


	49. Commander Amanda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how old were Billy and Mandy supposed to be in FF? I always thought they were about the same age as the Poewrpuffs and Dexter (though I aged them all up in this story because obvious reasons) but I remember there was an update to Retro where the devs made them shorter to match the ages the original team planned for them? So I think they were actually supposed to still be the ages they were in the show in FF while most other characters aged up (I remember hearing something like this about the K.N.D..) I don't know the aging aspect of FF was what confused me the most. And where were all the parents in Fusionfall? did they really just send their kids off to war no problem didn't care at all?! or... were they dead? o.o Personally as a kid I just thought they were lazy. and let their children fight for them smh. But now I mean it was pretty clear Dexter died in Tech Swuare maybe most of the adults on Earth were dead... maybe Fuse killed them... maybe they were all abducted. Maybe we'll never know.

CHAPTER 47: COMMANDER AMANDA

"Hop in, Courage!" I said, patting the passenger seat in my new hovercar (I'd had to practically strangle the dealer to let me rent it, since he was familiar with my track record, as it were, regarding overdue vehicles)

Courage smiled as he ran up to the car on his hind legs that had healed since he last broke them. Thak goodness, I was worried they would forever remain snapped. Vilagx's legs still hadn't healed, not had Ben's pufferfish. Though maybe the former was just due to his alien physoiology. Vilgax was a strange one that's for sure.

Once he was inside and strapped in, Courgae and I made off in the direction of Devil's Bluff. It was warm... and scary. Like a well I don't need to tell you, you probably already know what I'm going to say. It smelled like one too, and I covered my nose, but Courage didn't mind since he's a dog and dogs sniff butts for a living.

I turned on the seatheater and my arse melted. Then I made the right and entered the canyon. Rock stretched up above us for several stories. Buzzards were flying around then I saw them descend on a soldier boy. Just like they say they got his eyes first. It was a horiffic sight to behold, ha ha.

"And _that,_ Courage," I said to the pink dog, "is why I rented a hovercar."

We were going at a good pace but Courge got thirsty and asked for some lemonade. I pulled over into the barracks and he got out, but he came down on his feet too hard and broke his legs again. Lil' trooper still made it over to the lemonade stand two kids were running though.

I looked at Hex's tent and sighed. It looked dilapidated and the windows had been boarded shut to keep the squatters out. I hadn't heard from Dr. Charmcaster for a while. I hoped he was doing okay after his unkle's death.

"Commander Walter, Sir!" a soldier called, running up behind me, I turned to face him.

"At ease, soldier. What can I do ya for?" I asked.

He looked a little surprised at first, because he first thought I was asking if I could do him for a favor. Everyone knew of my sleeping around so it wouldn't seem too out of character hm. But he soon realized what I actually said. "Uh, Ms. Walter, I'm here to inform you that you must leave the premises with your mutant humanoid dog-thing."

"Uh, what?!" I said, shocked. "No, I do not! This is a free country, I can go where I please, within reason, and this is certainly one of those places!"

"By order of Commander Amanda, no one under the command of any of the four guides may step into these barracks!"

"Who the hell is Commanter Amanda?" I said, then got out my dreihander. "You're gonna walk away and leave me alone now, or I'll slice a wider ass crack for you!"

" **How many times do I have to tell you, Arnold,** " growled a voice behind me, " **do** _ **not**_ **call me Amanda.** "

I turned around, there was a young teen there. Her hair was blonde and up in what looked like horns. Creepy... "Uh, y-yes Sir, Commander Sir! I-I just wanted to be formal!" Arnold said, saluting but his arm was shaking.

"You'll have time to be formal when you're dead," the girl warned, then snapped, "DISMISSED!"

Arnold ran away with a soggy bum. The teen walked up to me, a glare ever present on her football-shaped face. "Commander Mandy. I run the Devil's Bluff barracks.

_With an iron fist,_ I mused, but put my hand out. "Commander Wind Walter."

"I know who you are," she said, narrowing her eyes and ignoring my hand. "Like that bitchshit Arnold said, I don't tolerate any soldiers of the guides around here, _especially_ that peanut-prick Finster's."

"Wha?!" I said, concerned at first that she'd heard of the time we used peanut butter for lube?! (and unfortunately it was the crunchy kind, what can I say we were out of lube and didn't have any other kind of peanut butter!) But I said "Hey, don't talk about Dexter that way! He's a good man, and he's missing and might be dead for all we know!"

"Good riddance. That coward's been holding the entire war effort back with his ethics. If he hadn't been so hesitant about sending more people into the field, the Moon wouldn't be lodged in Earth's crust."

"Dexter didn't want more people out in the field because the only ones left were children!" I snapped. "Younger than you! Younger than the students at Charles Darwin!"

The thought of little Flapjack or Skip being drafted for war made my blood run cold. But Mandy said "They can hold a gun. And there's plenty of sex going on to make more. _Isn't that right, Commander?_ "

I stepped away, taken aback. "Let's go, Courage," I called, and hastily made for the hovercar.

"Have a safe trip," Mandy called as we sped out of there. " _And don't come back._ "

I was tense behind the wheel and Courage noticed. "What's wrong, Wind?" he asled.

"N-Nothing," I said, realizing just how stiff I was and forcing myself to relax.

After a few more minutes we made it to Nowhere. Courage pointed to a farmhouse in the distance on the left, so I turned. We had to drive like mad through a pack of gigantic fusion mutant eggplants (sheesh never thought I'd type that) but we made it.

The windmill was turning, but the farm was dead quiet. Of course, Eustace's truck was gone, but there didn't seem to be any other vehicles around except an old rusted tractor.

"Muriel!" Courage cried like a dog whose owner has been away all day, and when they come home the dog jumps on them and cries tears of joy because he thought his owner would never return, then the owner gives the dog a belly rub and a treat and apologizes for being gone so long there was a line at the grocery store.

"Courage wait," I said, "something about this doesn't feel right..."

But he was already at the door. Before I could stop him, he grabbed the handle and went inside.


	50. Til the Fat Lady Sings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! More Windfall for my lovelies! In fact I have two chapters, this one is kind of short so I polished up the next one as well. c: Enjoy!

CHAPTER 48: TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS

"Courage!" i cried, then bolted into the house to make sure he was alright, and I was expecting to find him in a giant mouse trap. Thankfully that didn't happen, but I was still worried it would.

Instead immediately upon entering, I saw a huge fat guy with a big hairy belly like carpet I say, wearing nothing but hot pants and eating chips straight from the bag while watching Tv, well actually I didn't see that either, I just had a vision of it when I entered and it slowly faded away. Scared, I felt around for the lightswotch, I found it, but it was broken.

"Courage?" I called, flipping the switch. No dice... I tried the light in the kitchen and that was broke too. The power had apparently been cut off to this place long ago.

I looked around the living room. There was a moldy old rat-bitten chair, with two emaciated cheek prints in it. Before it was the TV, broadcasting nothing but static. Then there was a massive rocking chair that was nailed to the floorboards for some reason... I figured the spindly ass prints were Eustace's, so that must make the rocking chair Muriel's.

" _She's a brick, woo, house,_ " I sang, startled.

_Brick House_ got stuck in my head so I started singing it as I investigated the rest of house to keep myself calm. There was a snowball's chance in Grnadpa Max's arse I was going down in the cellar alone, so I went upstairs instead. Before me was a dark, dark hallway. The stench of wood rot and mildew hung in the air, and every step I took made the floor creak. I checked each and every door as I passed.

" _The clothes she wears,_ bathroom, _her sexy ways_ \- closet - _make an old man wish for younger days,_ " I continued to whisper, but was reminded of how Eustace and I were techincally making love for a while. I sighed, and had to restrain myself from punching a hole in the wall and getting tetanus _on top of_ chlamydia. How on Earth was I going to explain this to his wife. I couldn't just say, "Oh, hello Mrs. Bagge, I regret to inform you that your late husband was cheating on you in the body of Sir Finster himself, young adult genius, also he was using said body to go batter-dipping the corndog with me." But then saying "dog" reminded me of Courgae, so I forced myself to compartmentalize my stress and instead focus on finding the canine.

" _She's the one, the only one,_ " I sang, slowly getting more scared as I continued, then heard a loud THUMP! come from an alcove all the way on the right. " _Built like an Amazon,_ " I finished, two-timing it to the door.

There was a ladder there, must've led to the attic. I climbed up, scared. It was still dark... and still scary... but I bravely soldiered on for the dog. Sure enough I found him, he was sitting at a desk with a big-ass computer on it.

"Courage!" I said, running up to him. "What was that thudding sound?"

"Apparently Eustace put Computer in a box while I was gone," Courage huffed and his jowls flapped, like all dogs do, "probably planning to sell it."

"You know I am sentient, you dickless simpleton," stated tHE COMPUTER WHAT THE FOCK "I prefer to be addressed as "him," and not "it.""

"I was _neutered,_ you bucket of bolts!" Courage snapped at the screen. "I still have _that,_ it's just the others that were taken off!"

"COURAGE WHY IS THE COMPUTER TALKING?!" I asked.

"You can ask me yourself, uncultured slut," snapped the computer.

"Why, you-! If I was a dude, you probably wouldn't say the same thing, you stupid cumputer!" I retorted.

"Sleeping around like an alien with a newly-acquired anal probe is disgusting, no matter what gender you are."

"Well, at least I _know_ what sex is like, mecha-virgin!"

"Both of you, please!" Courage begged. Then he turned to the omputer and asked, "Computer, what happened here? Hwere's Muriel?"

"I'm afraid the rotund lady of the house has been abducted, Courage," it said, "by the fusions. It happened shortly after Eustace's death."

"Oh no!" cried Courage, and he began weeping over the keyboard. " _Muriel!_ "

"Do you know where they took her?" I asked.

"You're not one of my users, I don't need to talk to you," snapped the computer.

"Where is she?!" cried Courage.

"I didn't get a look at exactly which monsters took her, but I felt vibrations leading underground. You might want to check in with the mutant eggplants."

Courage began growling. "That stupid eggplant at the Outpost! I bet HE'S in on it!"

He hopped off the chair and broke his legs some more and went to go run back to the Outpoist so I grabbed his tubby body. "Wait Courage!" I said. "Mashing Bob into a pulp isn't going to help us find Muriel! The computer said he fet vibrations underground, let's go look around the farmhouse for any clues."

Courage growled and bit my hand, at least he was going to, but stopped himself. "... alright."

We went outside it was hot. Looking around the farmhouse we didn't really find anything, until I was walking past the shed and my foot sank a little into the ground.

"Gah!" I gasped, quickly stepping back. "Courage! The ground is soft over here!"

Courage came over and pawed at it, sure enough I was right. "How far down does it go, Wind?"

"Hmmm..." I took out my dreihander and slowly plunged it into the ground, then "OOPS FOCK" I dropped it and it disappeared into the Earth!

"Uhh... it's pretty deep," I said, then hit the ground behind me. "Dang it, that thing wasn't easy to get!"

"What will we do?" Courage asked.

"Umm..."


	51. We Interrupt This Program

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH LORD THIS ONE REALLY NEEDED THE M RATING JUST LETTING YOU KNOW GUYS THIS STUFF'S WHACK (I can't believe I shipped these two once upon a time...)

CHAPTER 49: WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM

Vilgax was chilling out in the hallway, getting a cup of water from the cooler. The nurses were all on lunch break so he was the only one out here.

He heard a beeping noise coming from their station, it continued for about thirty seconds so he decided to check it out of curiosity. It was Ben's room.

"Oh no, I hope he's alright!" Vilgax said and tossed the now-empty cup into the trash and hurried to his boyfriend's room. "Ben! Are you- heh?"

Ben was laying there all seductive-like, his hospital gown was strangely missing huh, with only the sheets to protect his modesty and he was smiling up at Vilgax with the unmistakeable expression of "breed me, you eleven-foot-tall warlord" (Vilgax was actually 13 feet tall tho)

"Hey there," he said, "I thought you'd never show up."

"Did you need the nurse?" asked Vilgax.

"No... but there's something I need from you." Ben gave a "come here" gesture with his finger.

Vilgax complied, kneeling next to his beloved and listening close. "I need..." Ben said, "... a hot beef injection."

Slowly Vilagx's black lips curled into a smile, a smile of lust, a smile of instant erection, a smile that raunched of pig guts because he never brushed it. "Say no more," he said, and tore off his costume.

Ben moaned in ecstasy just by looking at Filgax's green rack of ribs, also known as his abs. Alien abs... one of the many reasons Ben loved his job. Ben raked his fingers down the chimera sui generis' abdomulars and Vilgax moaned deeply and breathily, his pores releasing a hormonal gas that acted like an afrodisiac and Vilgax couldn't help himself. He pounced on Ben and began sucking hard on his-

"Ben did you need anything? Your light was on," asked the same nurse who tended to Dexter all those days ago, she was carrying a tray with jello on it for Ben.

"NURSE KATIE! NOT NOW!" Ben shouted.

The nurse left, crying because she was yelled at. Anyway, Vilgax began sucking on Ben's neck. Leaving a giant hickey Ben screamed in pleasere, then unbuttoned his alien lover's pants to let his love noodles fall out - one, two, three - yep, they were all there. Vilgax entered one into Ben's own weaner, the other into his lover's behind, and the last one... well, he kinda ran out of holes, so he just let it flop around. Ben got lost in the tentacles on Vilgax's neck and his screams and cries of pleasure were muffled by the squidlike forest. Other patients heard the whole thing and started buzzing the nurses like mad because they were scared and upset. Thakfully it didn't last long because neither does Vilgax, and they finished up right quick and were soon cuddling with each other on the poor, poor hospital bed.

Then Ben's nanocom rang. "Yeah?" he said.

"Ben, it's Wind," I said, Ben had the screen off so I couldn't see the horror that just took place. "I'm in Nowhere right now, by the old Bagge farmhouse. Muriel Bagge is missing, but we got a tip that she was taken underground."

"Oh no, that's terrible! Is there anything I can do to help?" asked Ben.

"Yeah, there's a sof spot by the shed that looks promising. Do you think you could come out here and turn into Armodrillo, and help us dig it out?"

"I'm afraid not, Wind," Ben said regretfully. "Ever since Fuse arrived, I haven't been able to use the Omnitrix. It's the weirdest thing. I'm so sorry."

"Oh... that's okay, Ben. We'll think of something."

"Hey, maybe you can call Dexlabs and ask to rent some Dexbots? I hear some of them come equipped with drills," Ben offered.

"Really? That's a fantastic idea! I'll call them right away. Thanks, Ben!" I said.

"Don't mention it!" he replied, and we hung up.

I rang up the lab of Dex (which was currently the lab of Computress, poor dear was so lonely right now) and requested around fifteen Dexbots to help us clear the passage. When they arrived by helicopter they were all saying various greeting phrases it was maddening I say. I told them what we were doing and we all got to work, soon the Dexbots had drilled down far enough for one of them to suddenly plummet.

"ALTITUDE REACHING CRITICAL NEGATIVE LEVELS," it declared, then finally we heard a CRUNCH.

"Dexbot #3-4P?!" I cried, and hopped in after him, followed by the others. Courage clung for dear life onto my back.

I landed hard after about a forty foot drop, thankfully I was prepared for the long fall so I didn't break my legs again phew! The Dexbot had managed to impale itself on my dreihander and its lights were slowly flickering out.

"ROLL INTO THE LIGHT, #3-4P," said #48 as he held his robotic brother's hand. "YOU HAVE DONE WELL."

"ENTERING SLEEP MODE," said #3-4P, before his lights went dark and his head clunked against the ground. Shortly after, he self-destructed (Dexlabs equips all its Dexbots with a self-destruct upon normal death (not from shorting out in water), to keep their engineering out of the wrong hands).

We were blown against the walls, hitting them hard thankfully Courage fell off my back before I could crush him. We were all unconscious except for him, so he got some smelling salts out of my bag and roused us all, sweet dog. After recovering, I looked around. We were in a large cavern, it was dark and cold. And silent.

"Gee, it sure is scary down here," I said, beginning to lead us all through the cavern.

"BUT IT SEEMS TO BE EMPTY," said #R6-3. Then a small shadow darted in front of us.

Everyone screamed, even the Dexboths, and one of the braver ones took off running after it. We followed, and as we did we could see in the cracks of sunlight pouring into the cavern that whatever it was we saw was purple.

_Mutanth eggplanth,_ I thought, in fear.

We saw a clearing up ahead, and prepared to jump on this thing as soon as we could actually see it. Once we entered, though, we felt searing heat, and saw a horrifying sight.

Muriel was tried up on a rotisserie with an apple in her mouth, struggling over an enormous bonfire, rotated by a mutant eggplant. In fact, there were dozens of them, all scattered around both the fire, and us.

And then I realized... we'd been led here on purpose.


	52. Food Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello hello readers! new format for the author's notes since my best friend suggested I put them in bold so it's easier to distinguish them from the actual story. I've seen other people write like this but I always found it kind of distracting? But my friend is by far the better writer of the two of us so if she recommends it I'll listen! love ya gurl. c: Hope you're all having a wonderful day. Can you believe June is almost over? I hope July will be a little better for all of us!

CHAPTER 50: FOOD FIGHT

The lead egplant, Melanzana, paced in front of all of us. We were all sitting our asses on the cold, dry ground, tied up so tight I couldn't feel my boobs. The Dexbots didn't have breashths so they didn't have the same struggle, and couldn't understand what it was liek to have nipples that felt more like ice cubes and not in a good way!.

"What are you doing in our sacred catacombs?" asked Anzana, and when I didn't answer, he slapped me across the face with one of his vines. "What are you doing here?!"

"HOW DARE YOU PHYSICALLY ABUSE THE COMMANDER" stated one of the Dexbots. But Melanzana wrapped his tentavines around the Decbots' head and wripped it off of its neck. It died, and oil sqlurted out of its neck and allover everything and everyone.

"Anyone _else_ want to talk back to me?" Mel Anzana asked, and added, "because if you do, we will force you to bear our offspring!"

I got scared then. Birthing an eggplant didn't sound very comfortable. But I remembered our sex cells wouldn't even be able to mix so I knew Anazna was bluffing. I decided to use this to my advantage.

" _ **Tell me, Anzana,**_ " I said,

"Heh?" asked the eggplant

" _ **Do you impregnate people, or do you eat them?**_ "

He jumped, shocked, and stumbled over his words. "Uhh... err..."

"The humans shall pay for their assaults on our brethren!" said an eggplant who walked up to stand beside Anzana.

"What are you talking about? No one's eaten eggplant parmesan for years, not since the public learned of your existence. You're a protected species, given rights just like man and robot! And dog!"

A circling condor that had been watching me since I was tied up finally came down on me and started pecking at my body, my arms were restrained so all I could do was scream.

" **Your people still eat us,** " declared Anzana. " **You will prepare to perish.** "

"But this isn't making sense-"

She's done boss!" called the eggplant who was spinning Muriel right round baby right round (like a record baby)

"Excellent," said Anzana, "Our revenge on the humans begins."

"Murielllll!" cried Courage as they removed Muriel from the rotisserie dang was she crispy.

"Unhand me at once you haggis-sucking maniacs!" she demanded once they'd removed the apple from her mouth. But they served her up on a bigass dining table with a fancy tablecloth and everything.

I shut my eyes. I'd failed Courage. I'd failed his owner. I'd had sex with a ghost. And I was currently having my thigh devoured by a rabid vulture. There was nothing I could do - we had already lost.

Then one of the Drcbots behind me said, "Wind, I will unleash my blade to free you from your misery."

"Darn it #8G-9, not in front of the others, we can go down once we're out of this mess," I whispered back, rolling my eyes.

" **No,** " it hissed, upset at my constant horniness it was a curse I must admit. "I have a sawblade built into my chassis I couldn't take it out until Anzana turned away."

"Oh good! Yeah go for it!" I said, "But please don't cut my butt off, or my hands just like what happened to your master."

He did as he was told and soon I was free! And once I was, I instructed him to cut Anzana open for us all to feast on his innards and acquire his strength and knowledge.

"With pleasure," #8G-9 proclaimed, and sliced through Anzana right there in front of everyone just before he was about to stick a white hot fork into Muriel's toasted dimblebuns.

Everyone gasped. Yes, including us. for you see, from Anzana's dead corpse came sloshing nothing other than... pure fusion matter.

"WH-WHAT THE F-"

A rumbling roared through the catacombs as the rest of the eggplants mutated into giant fusian ones. The one who had been spinning Muriel, let's call him Chad, said "KILL THEM!" in fusion language. (I had been around fusion monsters enough to learn what they were saying)

We fought bravely, I used the dining utensils to help me because I was still unarmed. Courage hid Muriel under the table so she would be safe during the fight. We diced and sliced the fusions and soon thank goodness they were dead.

When it was done, we looked around. Piles upon piles of slain eggplants were laid out on the ground. The whole place reeked of eggplant it was dusgusting (I don't like eggplant). (it gives me gas if you must know...) I wiped mush off of myself and looked around.

"Is everyone okay?" I asked.

The Dexboths were all fine, although a little dirty. Muriel was weak in the knees from the whole experience and I was worried she would explode. She also said she was cold.

"Here, old one," said one Dexbot, and his chest opened up with a tinier robotic claw hand holding a rainbow monkey hat. "This will keep you warm in these catacombs."

"Oh, why thank you, robot!" said Muriel, and gladly took the hat and strapped it onto her head.

Which thus exploded.

"Darn it," I said, because my fears had come true. "Wait a minute... HER HEAD JUST EXPLODED?!"

I won't describe the scene of gore laid out before us because this was Courage's owner we were talking about. He fell to his knees which snapped like weak sapling branches and tugged on his ears. "MUUUUUURIIIIIIIEEEEELLLLLL!"

"I'm sorry, Courage," I cried, falling to my much-stronger knees beside him. I was also sorry for Muriel, and how I never got the chance to tell her that Eusatce had spiritually cheated on her with me.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!"

Suddenly the catacomb walls started to shake. Due to the explosion and Courage's subsequent wailing, the whole place was coming down!

"We gotta get out of here!" I said, picking up the pink dog, who still reached for his dead owner. But there was no saving her. She was too heavy so we had no option but to leave her here.

The ceiling started coming down as we all raced for the entrance. Everyone was screaming, even the Dexbots. Once there, the levitating ones were easily able to fly out, and one lifted me up with him. But the rolling ones were left behind.

"DEXBOTS #48 THROUGH 87-G0!" I cried, reaching out to them. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

"GO ON, WIND," said #48. "SAVE OUR CREATOR."

I screamed in grief as we finally left the catacombs, the entrance to which was filled with dirt mere seconds after we left. The Dexbot holding me set me down and I collapsed next to the entrance, crying over the massive loss of life. Courage wept beside me, his jowls stretching out over the ground like a sad old dog. The Dexbots cried, but they were just saying "BOOHOO" because they couldn't actually cry like we could.

An excavation team was called to see if they could get the bodies out, but we were told it might be weeks before they could get as far as Muriel was. Deeply saddened, we returned to the Outpost with the Dexbots because my rental was for one week and there was no way I was going to pay for six days I didn't use. Courage was wrapped up in a blanket and just looked so sad. Lou and I tried to cheer him up with squeaky toys and he made homemade dog biscuits but nothing was working. All we could do was be there for him.

Tomorrow, Numbuh 4 was holding a meeting to determine the cause of the head explosions. I was to attend, and they wanted Courage as well, but he was too racked with grief right now. Lou offered to accompany me for support since Courage wasn't going, and I accepted his offer. He stayed over that night to cheer me up, we made love but I was still sad and he became sad because I was sad. So we both just cried ourselves to sleep without ever reaching climax. But that wasn't important, we had a massive death toll on our hands and a grieving dog. All we could do was be there for him through this process... and try to bring justice to Muriel.


	53. Headplode Mystery of the Universe

CHAPTER 51: HEADPLODE MYSTERY OF THE UNIVERSE

Lou and I showered after a long night of toilet-on-human sex. It might sound gross, but he was only half-toilet remember. And we were in love, and old enough to give consent. This is just sounding more horrible as I try to defend myself so moving on

We went to the mess, where not only brekfast was held but when breakfast was over Wallabee shooed all the soldiers who weren't of high enough rank out under threat of death. He was really stressed out with everything going on but he wouldn't normally act like that, he is a good bloke and we all love him and were concerned for him.

"Alright, now that we're alone we can- what's that smell?" Wallabee asked, then turned to the kitchen. Baron Ambrosia was making bacon so he shouted "Hey, you lousy arse wipe, are you deaf? Everyone but the high ranks needs to get out!"

"But I was cooking snacks for the meeting?" Baron pointed out.

"You get your ugly bun out those doors or I'll be cooking your knob for a snack!"

The Baron left, mumbling to himself the whole way, likely about what a bastard Wallabee was. Soon the leader of the Outpost joined us and picked up the papers in front of him.

"Wind, can you tell us what happened in the catacombs again yesterday?"

"Sure," I said, taking a sip of water and clearing my throat. "I took Coruage and fifteen Dexbots down to find Courage's owner, the late Muriel Bagge, but we were led into an ambush by brainwashed mutant eggplants. A nearby terrafuser revealed that they had slowly been driven insane by its influence and had been pulled into the Fusion hive mind. They were upset that the armies have been serving fusion eggplant parmesan to the troops and planned on devouring Muriel for revenge."

"And what about her head exploding?" Wallabee aslked, flapping his hand as if to say "hurry up."

"I'm getting there," I said, I was also getting closer to anger since I could only let so much roll off my back. "After slaughtering the mutant eggplants we-"

"WIND I'M NOT ASKING ABOUT THE FFPLANTS I'M ASKING ABOUT MURIEL'S CRANIUM!" Wallabee screamed.

"I KNOW YOU ARE!" I screamed back, "JUST GIVE ME TWO SECONDS AND I WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT!"

Wallabee folded his arms and leaned back, cursing under his breakfast breath that smelled of breakfast. Mmm, eggs. Then I was reminded of how Lou looked while eating his eggs and bacon. Have you ever seen a toilet gobble up screambled eggs and bacon? It is a soul-shattering sight. So much lid-slamming... anyway, "We defeated the eggplants, and Muriel said she was cold in the catacombs. I can second this, there was barely any sunlight and it was freezing. So one of the Dexbots handed her a hat and, immediately after putting it on, her head exploded."

"So the dExbot did it?!" Wallabee accused, and shouted to the soldiers stationed outside, " _Go find that son-of-a-robotic-bitch and bring him in for torture and subsequent questioning!_ "

"Wallabee!" I said, scared. "He's a Dexbot, how could you possibly torture him?! He's too sweet!"

"He's not sweet if he's been killing humans, Wind," Wallabee pointed out. "In fact, that's a direct violation of the first law of robotics."

We went outside and saw the soldiers barging into the Dexbots' quarters, one of the cabins we'd given them until their rental ran out. Two soldiers came out of cabin holding the panicking Dexbot, who was screaming and asking why they were doing this. Then I had to tell them they had the wrong one, the one they were looking for was #7C, not #43-8. They apologized all red tomato-like and got the right one, then we entered the Outpost's torture chamber.

What? You didn't think the K.N.D. had a torture chamber? Well, they'd officially abandoned torture about forty years ago, but some groups still utilized it for particularly sensitive situations. If the Dexbot had any dark secrets, he wouldn't give them up without some good old organized agony.

Only I didn't believe he had anything to hide at all.

"Why did you cause Mrs. Bagge's head to explode?" Numbuh 4 asked in the dark room, the Dexbot was tied to a chair under the single hanging lamp.

" _Numbuh 4! I did no such thing on purpose!_ " it urged.

"I figured you'd say that," Wallabee shrugged, "which is why we brought you here. The K.N.D. were once quite well known for their use of cruel and unusual punishments on their torture victims. Hey, did you hear about the time we stuffed Count Spankula's arse with marshmallows until it finally ripped open? I was there. He broke soon after that." He leaned into the Dexbot's face. "We will not stop until you give us the information we ask for. It is only your fault if it continues."

The Dexbot started screaming and straining against its restraints in fear as Numbuh 4 called to one of the boys to bring out the drill. He came over and, slowly, agonizingly, began unscrewing the Dexbot's bolts.

"It's too horrible, I can't watch," I cried, turning away and covering my eyes, but the Dexbot's screams and pleas still entered my ears, so I covered my ears but my eyelids aren't thick enough to keep the light out (they're more similar to an owl's third eyelid and I'm part owl if you remember) so I could still see what was happening (and everyone else could see my pupils through my eyelids).

"... what kind of hat was it?" Mac asked beside me.

"Huh?" I said, uncovering my ears the screeching metal sound entered them forcefully.

"I said, what kind of hat was it? The one that the Dexbot gave Mrs. Bagge?"

"Oh," I said, and thought for a moment. "I think it was a rainbow monkey hat."

"I knew it," Mac said, snapping his fingers. Then he ran out under the light, waving his arms. " _Stop! Stop! I know who's been causing peoples' heads to explode!_ "

The soldiers stopped so they wouldn't accitendally hurt the boy. "Let the soldiers do their work, son," said Numbuh 4. "Please, you should just go. This is no place for a child who let a child in here?!"

"No, wait, Numbuh 4, you have to listen to me!" Mac begged. "When the first heads exploded, I went poking through the garbled brain matter to see if I could find any clues as to what happened. I found a sliver of green fabric, but didn't think it was anything important at the time. Still, I held onto it.

"The next time I was in the kitchen, I spotted a few chunks of brain that the cleaning crew missed. In those chunks I found another sliver of fabric, this one orange. I thought it was kind of strange, that two brightly-colored fabrics would be found at both head explosion scenes, so I pocketed this one as well. When the third explosion happened, I found yet another sliver of yellow fabric. I was wondering if maybe this was just a coincidence, until I had the fabric tested.

"They all came from the same factory, the Endsville Rainbow Monkey factory - and to be specific, their apparel division. They were all rainbow monkey hats. This was especially surprising, since no rainbow monkey has ever exploded before. Until I realized that they were probably being tampered with.

"So I went to the Outpost's resident rainbow monkey expert, Numbuh 3, to tell her of my findings. As I was walking up to her shed, I noticied something: all the shelves were filled with those blasted hats. And when I said hello, she immediately slammed the doors shut and pretended there was nothing suspicious inside. And that's when I realized... _she_ was the one tampering with the rainbow monkey hats."

Everyone in the room gasped, except #7C, who was still screaming. Wallabee picked Mac up by his sweater and began shaking him around. "You little shit, Kuki would NEVER! She's the most innocent, kind girl this bloody world has to offer!"

"Hey, where _is_ Kuki?" asked Harlan, and we all looked around.

"... Kuki?" Wallabee called, dropped Mac and ran outside to her cabin. We followed, and Wallabee threw open the door, calling his girlfriend's name and looking around wildly for her. She was nowhere to be found.

Overwhelmed, Wallabee collapsed to his knees in the cabin. I knelt down next to him and set my hand on his shoulder. "We'll find her, whatever it takes."

"She wouldn't do this," Wallabee urged, shaking his head. "She hasn't got it in her to betray her own planet."

"I believe you," I said. "It could be that she's under the influence of something. We need to help her before she does anything else drastic."

"I just saw her this morning," Wallabee said almost too quiet for me to hear, bringing his hands up to his face. "She was fine. There was nothing wrong with her. I... I don't understand what's happening..."

_I think that makes all of us,_ I thought, looking over my shoulder at the crowd gathered to watch Wallabee cry. I tried to comfort him as best I could.

No... Kuki couldn't be capable of this. Or could she? Was there always something dark and psychotic under that sweet and sunny demeanor? Or was something else at play? All we could do was search to find out.


	54. The Ballad of Kuki Sanban

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are. Happy July everyone! My second anniversary on this site is coming up... o: Oh, and turns out a few guest characters from a certain 2005 Xbox game show up in this chapter, lol. Not sure why I wrote them in tbh... but Fusionfall's just easy to crossover with stuff I guess. Hmm... my brain gears are turning... c;
> 
> On a mor serious note, this chapter gets kind of heavy. And sad. And I was honestly shocked at the direction I'd taken all those years ago. But, uh, I'll let you read on if you're comfortable with that. I won't spoil it for you no more. Hope you're all doing well, staying safe and healthy. I want you to know that, whatever obstacles you face in life, you're strong enough, smart enough, and good enough to overcome them! You rock! c:

CHAPTER 52: THE BALLAD OF KUKI SANBAN

The next morning, I woke up to a loud banging on my door. Grumbling and putting on my robe, I walked over to it. "Yeah, yeah, I'm coming! Hold your horses!"

I answered the door, it was Lou, and he was looking terrified. "Wind!" he cried. "S-Something's up at the camp!"

"Lou?" I asked, suddenly worried for my boyfriend. "What's wrong? Is everyone alright?"

"The campers are fine," he assured me, "but I went into the outhouse to take a dump this morning and... and...!"

"And what, Lou?!"

"There was a fusion portal growing out of the toilet bowl!" he finished, then let out a loud, girly scream. (is the phrase "girly" to describe something weak considered offensive these days? I kinda find it offensive, myself. but maybe that's because I was accused of doing something "girly" when I was bad at something when I _was_ a little girl. Like, what, is it bad to be a young femalwe person? people who think that way can screw off.) (Heavens to Betsy I need therapy.) It scared the crows out of the trees and they flew away, cawing, a few of them descended on a soldier out for a morning stroll.

"It's okay, Lou," I said, moving my hands in a calming gesture before giving him a hug. "Let me get dressed, and maybe have some breakfast because it's the most important meal of the day, and I'll come with you to check it out, alright?"

He nodded, crying. "Mm-hmm."

We went to the mess, I got crambled eggs and bacon. Lou got a breakfast sandwich with rok rinds. They were hard and nearly broke his teeth, so he wasn't able to eat all of it. Afterwards we went to Camps Kidney to confront the fusion that had made itself at home.

I entered the campground, all the campers ran out to see me. I gave them all hugs and told them how yes Skip was doing very well and he should be able to go home soon. They also said they had seen the fusion portal and were scared. I told them they were all very brave, and that the Toiletnator and I (I still had to keep his secret identity) would go and clear out the fusion so that they would be safe once more. They cheered us on as we walked across the camp to where Lou usually stood, on the right was the outhouse.

"You ready for this, Wind?" my boyfriend asked.

"Ready as I'll ever be," I said. "Let's teach this bastard a lesson."

I reached out and opened the door. Immediately the stench of dried dung hit me in the face, but the sight of gigantic green tentacles grwoing out of the toilet hit my eyes first. Boy was that horrifying. I mean, visualize it in your mind. Green tentacles. Toilet bowl. It's disgusting, isn't it?

A fly buzzed in from outside, looked at the sight, and actually screamed, "WHAT THE HECK IS _THAT?!_ " before dying and falling to the floor, and it's legs rapidly curled up. JUST BY LOOKING AT IT!

I looked down at my nanocom. As I faced the portal, it was reading "Fusion Numbuh 3's lair."

" _Lou,_ " I said, hoarse, " _I think we've found the being resonsible for the exploding heads._ "

"But I thought that was Numbuh 3?" he asked?

"This is _Fusion Numbuh 3's lair,_ " I said. " _Whish means... it was probably her fusion all along..._ "

Swallowing my fear, I took Lou's hand in my right and with my left, I reached out, reached out and touched the tentacles, and we were teleported through time and space, hate and love, birth and death, clean and dirty, hungry and thirsty, scared and happy, through the psychedelic universe on the Volkswagen bus of LSD and vomit, before arriving in the cavernous fusion lair. It kind of looked like the inside of a vagina, but was dark, dirty, had fungus growing in it, just... I hoped it wasn't actually someone's vagina. Though if it had to be anyone's, I'm sure it would have been

"Stay close to me, Lou," I whispered, my eyes darting around as they adjusted to the dark. "Lord knows what could be hiding around the corner."

He obeyed, and we journeyed into the lair for a little bit before Lou tripped over something. Upon examination, we saw it was a rainbow monkey hat.

"Great Scott," I said, picking it up and turning it over in my hands.

"Wind! Don't put it on!" Lou cried.

"I won't," I said, "I'm just looking." Inside, everything looked normal. Like any other hat.

I threw it into my nanocom's inventory and dialed up Numbuh 4, and told him to bring in backup in case there was a fusion fight. I'd never fought a fusion before... and would most likely die if I didn't have help. And Lou didn't exactly count as help since he wasn't all that muscular.

We waited a few minutes for the reinforcements, but while we were waiting dynamite mice came running in and exploding, trying to kill us. We fought them, I with my cherry pop guns and Lou with his Plunger of Doom (which I thought was Zim's weapon? speaking of, where _was_ Zim, anyway? Last I saw him he was getting vivisected on Dexter/Eustace's operating rable...

Suddenly a dynamite rat pounced on Lou and I was overwhelmed with mice I couldn't help him. The mouse took out a rainbow minkey hat and was about to put it on Lou's head!"

"Lou! NO!" I cried, scared of losing my boyfriend!

"Get offa me! No! NO!" Lou screamed, struggling against the rat but his arms were creaking under the pressure! They would break soon if he couldn't get help, or his head would explode from the hat. But I couldn't get over to him.

Then, a huge amount of custard shot at the mouse and it was blown back, then blew up upon hitting the cavern wall. We looked over. It was Numbuh 4! And he'd brought help!

"G'Day, mates," said Wallabee, and he blew his custard buster.

After I helped Lou to his feet, we went over our findings with Wallabee and the rest (Harlan, Gina, Trevor, and Jalopy). Wallabee was scared for his girlfriend, but ran past us into the lair headfirst to find her. "Let's go!" he said.

We found numerous dynamite mice along the way, The whole place smelled like a dynamite factory. Finally, as we rounded a corner, we saw a cage in the distance... with a slumped figure inside it.

"Kuki?!" Wallabee cried, and ran across the large room before we could stop him.

"WAIT!" I cried, but my voice was undertoned overtoned with the sound of an old man saying the same thing...? What?

"What's wrong with my voice?!" I cried, grabbing at my mouth. Nothing weird, except a little piece of bacon still stuck in my teeth, ew.

Speaking of, Wallabee reached the cage, and fell to his knees. "Kuki...?" he said quietly, staring at the lifeless form of his beloved in the back of the cage. She had been dead for weeks. Shaking, his head lowered as he fell into racking sobs. "Oooohhhh... _Kuki..._ "

(If you're wondering why I said "speaking of" it's because you can make bacon out of dead bodies.)

"I'm sorry, kid," said the same old man voice I'd heard speak with me earlier.

"Huh? Who are you?" I asked, drawing my weapon. The others did the same. "Show your self!"

"Oh, put yer weapons down," said a scrawny old man walking in from the next room with a boulder tied to his back. " _I'm_ not the one you should be defendin' yerselves against."

"Who are you, codger?" I asked, but received a firm slap across the face.

"Don't you go calling Agent Ford Cruller a codger!" the codger warned.

"Alright, sheesh," I said, rubbing my face. I was annoyed, but Cynthia suddenly got all excited.

"Agent Cruller?! From the Psychonauts?!" she asked. Her eyes were wide with stars. "It's an honor to meet you, Sir!"

"Pleased to make your acquainctance as well, miss," he said, smiling.

"What the hell are you doing in here?!" Wallabee snapped, he sounded rabid, and got in Cruller's face. " _Did you kill my Kuki? You did, didn't you?! You son of a-!_ "

Cruller slapped Wallabee across the face too. "Get a grip, young man. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Kuki was a wonderful young woman, and my only regrets are that I didn't know her longer, and I was unable to save her. That evil fusion clone of her was the one who killed her."

"What happened, Agent Cruller?" asked Cynthia.

"I was kidnapped about five months ago, and Kuki was already here. Her fusion had been impersonating her back at the Outpost to conduct its rainbow monkey hat operation: fititng the hats with sensors that, when they detected nearby brainwaves, would ignite the c-4 sewn into the hat to blow up the poor sucker's noggin."

" _Good gravy,_ " I said, shaking. That was... a good plan. Too good for a fusion, at least, from what we knew. Fusions were supposed to be stupid creatures, only being able to carry basic tasks, like kidnapping or extortion, for Fuse. This meant... they were evolving.

"I finally got myself free a little while ago, been filing at my bars ever since I got here," Cruller explained. "Fusion Numbuh 3 is a little further that way. We need to take her out and end this madness once and for all."

Numbuh 4 clenched his fists. "Let's do it."

We all ran into the other room, Cruller was pretty fast for being old and having an extra 300 pounds strapped to his back hm. Finally we reached Fusion Numbuh 3, she was sitting at a sewing machine making more of her diabolical hats.

" _You get your green ass over here, Fusion scum,_ " Numbuh 4 shouted, pointing at it, " _you murdered my girlfriend and now I'm gonna rip you into little fackin' pieces!_ "

Fusion Numbuh 3 turned around, and, once she saw all of us, screamed an inhuman, screeching scream and spat acidic fusion matter onto the ground. We stepped back to avoid getting hit.

She leaped out of her chair and charged for us, and Harlan took a swing at her knees with his Endsville slugger. He only destroyed one of them though, and her left leg from the knee down dissolved back into fusion matter. Unimpeded, she swiped at Wallabee who jumped to the side to avoid her attacks.

"You killed my Kuki," he said, tears in his eyes, "and then impersonated her... pretended to be her in my bed!"

"You couldn't tell?!" Cruller asked, flabbergasted. He was using his mind powers to throw more boulders at the Fusion.

That was the weird thing. None of us noticed. Kuki had been gone for over five months and _still_ no one realized that her clone was green, had red eyes, and couldn't speak. How stupid were we?!

Pretty stupid. Pretty stupid, because we didn't see Fusion Numbuh 3 catch one of the boulders Cruller threw, and aimed to throw it back at him.

"AHHHH!" he screamed, trying to shield himself in time but it was no use. She pelted the boulder at him and he was crushed like a bug.

"Agent Cruller?!" Cynthia cried, and ran to her heroes' side. He was dying in her arms.

"Cynthia, girl... never forget..." he said weakly.

"Never forget what, Sir?" she asked, tears rolling down her face.

"You are... what you eat..." he whispered, before expiring. He turned into a bag of delicious-smelling bacon.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Cynthia into the stalactite-covered ceiling.

This proved to be the most ingenious thing she'd ever done, because the stalactites loosened from her scream waves and started to fall to the floor - and on Fusion Numbuh 3.

"Take cover!" I screamed, and we all hid under a curved rock while the barrage came down. Fusion Numbuh 3 reached for us, but her hand was impaled by a stalactite. She screamed, and was slowly impaled all over her body by hundreds of large stalactites. When it was all over, she let out a funny noise and looked at Wallabee.

"W... Wallabee..." she said, in Kuki's voice, "Don't... don't let me die... Wallabee..."

He stared at it, pale as a sheet, but Harlan held him back. "It's just mimicking her," he said. "Don't listen to it."

Fusion Numbuh 3's body destabilized and she melted away, back into the ground. After her body dissolved, it left behind a large sac - a sac inside which, to our shock, we saw a half-human, half-Fusion fetus. As it's molecular structure was still half Fusion, it also dissolved away moments later, along with the sac.

Wallabee shook like a leaf, and his knees buckled, so Harlan helped him stand. Thoroughly exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally, we made our way back to the fusion portal.

* * *

The Sanban's held a private funeral for Kuki where only her family and fellow K.N.D. operatives were invited, and Mrs. Sanban told us dirty wretches like us were not allowed, so we couldn't attend. That's okay, it was probably because she was grieving that she behaved like that (it wasn't, she was always a bitch, even to her daughters).

Instead, the lefotver crew and I attended Agent Cruller's funeral, held in Orchid Bay. All his comrades and students attended as well, including his closest apprentice Razptuin (who would name their child that?! poor guy) who was a few years younger than I was. Raz was crying the whole time extremely badly, his girlfriend tried to comfort him but it didn't go far. We got Maroon 5 to provide music for the service and they sang _Misery,_ which turned out to be a lot less fitting than it sounded. As soon as Adam Levine started singing about sex everyone in the crowd got mad and started cursing at him, and the psychics used their minds to throw tomatoes at him on the stage. He apologized and explained that I'd been the one to request the song, so they started throwing tomatoes at me (I'd only requested it because of the name and I'd only heard the chorus, so I kind of deserved it hm).

After the music we launched Cruller's body out on a canoe from Camp Kidney, Slinkman was there too because he used to read about Cruller's adventures as a child. One person joked with Raz about something regarding being surprised that he showed up to a water funeral, and Raz punched him in the arm and broke it in three places, ouch. Then all of Cruller's students used their powers to light his canoe on fire, and give him a viking funeral, like the strong mental viking he was.

After the service, it was time to head into town to the buffet, because for some reason people like to have a little after-party after a funeral, with food and drinks and everything. Raz _would not stop crying_ the whole time, so I volunteered to get him some chicken from the buffet table since he probably needed the protein. His girlfirend, Lili, thanked me and I got up to go fetch him something.

Up at the table there was all sorts of delicious food... I started drooling myself but we were at the after-party for a funeral for crying out loud, I couldn't get carried away with the carry-out! So I found some fried chicken and began piling it up on that there plate, at least I was about to whren I bumped into someone on the way.

"Oops, sorry," I said, and saw who I bumped into it was Agent Nein, and jumped and screamed a little bit since he was scary-looking, kind of looked like Agent Six if I'm honest.

"That is alright Commander Walter, no harm done," he said but the chocolate ice cream he'd been carrying had been splattered all over his suit. "Actually, I've been meaning to speak with you."

"Yes, Sir?" I asked, tonging some fried thighs onto the plate.

"You are stationed in the Jungle Outpost, correct?" he asked.

"Indeed I am."

"Mm." he said eating some of the ice cream off his tie. "Then Commander, I must warn you, I sensed something very strange around that area when I arrived. (he and everyone else first arrived at the Outpost and not City Station because we had Cruller's body (bacon sack) in the nurse's tent/morgue for them to visit first) I urge you to be careful."

"Sensed something? Like what?" I asked and walked over to the hard boiled eggs for more protein.

"Hundreds of presences, and they weren't human," he said. "Deep underground. I'm not sure, but I believe they might be alien."

"You mean, like Fusion?" I asked, we were at the ice cream table now and I was pouring peanut butter sauce over the plate.

"Precisely," he said, and I noticed half of his tie was gone. We walked to the salad bar and I sprinkled shredded cheese on top of Raz' special dish. Then I stuck in two olives on toothpicks to look like eyes to make it fun.

"That's not good..." I replied because I'm Captain Obvious ugh... "Thank you for telling me this, Agent Nein. I'll investigate this with my fellow soldiers when we get back to the Outpost."

We parted ways and I retunred to the table, Raz took one look at the plate I got him and barfed. It was clear he had been through too much today so Agents Nein and Vodello took him back to the hotel where they were staying. We all waved bye to him and hoped he would feel better, then the doleiers and I took the City Station S.C.A.M.P.E.R. back to the Outpost.

I told Harlan what Agent Nein told me back at the after-party, but he snapped at me that he didn't believe me and if it was really important Agent Nein would've told Numbuh 4 or someone else. I was about to argue that Numbuh 4 was **GRIEVING** but stopped myself, Harlan was an asshole who treated women badly and thus no amount of sense would ever get through to him. At least he was good to Cynthia. Kind of like how Mr. Boss hated kids, but loved his own up until the day he died. But that still doesn't make Halran any less of an asshole, asshole.

That night I cried into my pillow and punched it. Lou tried to calm me down but I wouldn't stop crying, maybe it was a disease that I'd caught from Raz? I just felt so bad for Wallabee. He loved Kuki, and now... his poor heart was broken. Courage jumped up onto the bed and cuddled with us, thankfully holding the dog finally calmed me enough to enable me to get some sleep.

Meanwhile, Wallabee was in the nurse's tent undergoing tests from Nurse Lesley, who was worried he might have something after having sex with a fusion. There was only one documented case of it happening and a couple months after, the dude (human) died. As Nurse Lesley took his blood pressure, Wallabee had something largely reminiscent of a hundred-yard-stare. Even when the nurse told him that his life might be in danger, he didn't feel scared. It was as if something inside him had broken when he saw the decomposed body of his girlfriend, and now...

... he was starting to wonder if dying from some Fusion-transmitted disease was so bad, after all.


	55. Dinner at Dexter's (Parents')

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good afternoon peoples! Wow these last couple chapters have been long. But we're getting to something really exciting so I'm excited! I'd honestly forgotten a lot of this so this is like reading it like someone new to the story, just like you! I hope you're all doing well and you have good plans for the 4th. All our family is out of state so we'll probably just be doing videp chat with them for the holiday. Oh by the way did you know that the Declaration of Independence wasn't actually signed until the 5th? I mean some signatures were on it on the 4th but it wasn't completed until the 5th. Isn't that so cool?! I wonder what held them up, maybe it was because Benjamin Franklin was still in the hospital following his key-tied-to-kite-in-a-thunderstorm accident. :o

CHAPTER 53: DINNER AT DEXTER'S (PARENTS')

The next morning, I got a call from none other than Dexter's parents, who I hadn't heard from in years. They were calling to ask if I'd found any clues as to their son's disappearance, and when I told them I was still searching, they were a little bummed. Okay... Dexter never spoke highly of them and said that the two of them together couldn't equal the IQ of a rock, but they were nice to me and were excited about the idea of becoming my in-laws. They then asked me a little bit about the situation, and upon hearing that their son had been possessed by ghost were understandably mortified.

"He didn't hurt anyone, did he?" his mom asked.

"No, but he nearly killed me and almost strangled a little pink dog I've adopted," I explained.

"Oh, Wind," said Dexter's dad, "We're so sorry you had to go through that. Mrs. Finster and I want to make it up to you. We'd like to invite you and your dog over for dinner - with him being the guest of honor - to say sorry on hour son's behalf, as it's very likely he's dead and won't be able to do it himself."

"Uh... okay, sure, Mr. Finster, we'd like that? O_O" I said insanely weirded out was nothing sacred to these people.

So it was on. We would arrive for dinner at 7, my mother was also invited. The prison had recently put her on parole since she was eleven months pregnant and my sibling _had_ to come out of there at some point soon. But I hadn't seen her since I was in town with Murdoc so I would be happy to see my mom again.

I told Courage where we were going, he was nervous about being the guest of honor but agreed to go anyway. The Finsters also said my new boyfriend could come along as well, they wanted to meet him (thankfully it wasn't awkward, we'd reached the point where they said I could call them Mom and Dad so me dating someone other than their blood son was just overall better), so I called Lou to tell him to get freshened up for tonight, because not only was he going to meet my adoptive parents, but my real mom too. And she was pregnant, so he had to try extra hard to impress her.

Before we left, we went to the bathroom and told Wallabee that we were going to be out for the night. At least we tried, he was standing in his usual spot by the entrance to the Outpost but just had this haunted expression on his face and didn't seem to hear me.

"Uh, Wallabee? Did you hear me?" I asked, and waved my hand in front of his face.

"Huh?" he said, and shook his head. "Oh, hello, Wind. Sorry, I... I was sort of spaced out there. Did you need anything?"

"Don't be sorry, Wallabee," I said, "you're going through a lot right now. It's okay if you need some time to yourself. Maybe that would be better instead of standing here at attention?"

"No, I... couldn't stay inside any longer. I needed some air."

"Well... I just wanted to let you know that Lou and I are headed to dinner at Dexter's parents' house. We'll be gone for the rest of the night."

"Oh, okay. Have a good night. See you when you get back."

We thanked him and got on the S.C.A.M.P.E.R., on which I promptly started bawling my eyes out because I was so worried about our friend. Lou comforted me the whole ride, or at least until I stopped crying. Wallabee was clearly so broken up about Kuki's murder. I knew he needed time to grieve, but it just hurt so much to see him like this. He was like a brother to me. I would've asked him to be my best man at my wedding.

When we got off in Peach Creek, I was surprised to be greeted with Double-D, Doudle-Double-U, my mom, Ben, and Vilgax all there to throw confetti on us. I shrieked in happiness, and gave them all hugs. I got to meet the fetus of my new step-sibling, and spoke to him/her through the flesh and fat stretched across my mother's womb. my mom saw the handsome young man beside me wearing a blue tuxedo and said, "Who's that, dear? Is this your new boyfriend?"

"Yep!" I said happily and stood next to Lou, who put out his hand to shake my Mom's.

"Lou Pottington III, Mrs. Walter," he said as they shook hands. "Pleasure to meet you. Your daughter is a wonderful woman and I feel really lucky to have met her."

"She certainly is," Mom said beaming. "I'm so happy to see she found such a lovely man." Suddenly I heard a man clear his throat from behind the crowd.

Slowly, everyone slid away to reveal the mysterious stranger. "Oh, right! Wind, I wanted you to meet my new boyfriend," said my mom, as I finally laid eyes on him.

"GASP! Uhh, Mom?!" I asked, scared, "How long have you been dating Kevin Levin?!"

He just glared at me with his arms folded as my mom put her arm around him and smiled. "Several months now, honey. I met him in prison. I told you, remember?"

"Uhhh, uh-huh," I said, shaking, remembering now that she had indeed told me. But I was occupied with Murdoc being a total creep and didn't actually register the name of her new boyfriend.

" _Mom, please,_ " I whidpered, " _can I talk to you privately?_ "

"Oh, I'm afraid not Wind," she said, checking her watch, "we should really be getting over to Genius Grove! Come along, gang!"

We all left the cardboard box fortress and got on the Slider, and I was unable to warn my mother of Kevin's microcosm of STDs. GASP... what if she already had some? What if my new brother or sister contracted them from Mom? I couldn't let that happen!

"MOM!" I shouted in fear, "YOU'VE BEEN WAITING UNTIL MARRIAGE TO HAVE SEX, RIGHT?!"

Everyone on the Slider got _really_ mad at me and Kevin actually slapped me across the face. Mom was appalled and embarrassed and I was forced to apologize, as well as restrain Lou from punching Kevin and ripping his butt cheeks off. So I kept quiet for my mom's sake, if she wasn't here and wasn't sexually involved with Kefin I would've killed him right there and no one would've cared because I'm a commander.

We hopped off the Slider and walked over to the Finster house. I was the one to knock on the door since they knew me the best. Immediately Dexter's mom answered... huh guess she'd been waiting on the other side of the door the whole time.

"Widn!" she said, happy to see me. She gave me two kisses on my cheeks. "It's been so long! How have you been, hon?"

" _Suffering,_ " I said, then realized saying that would make her worry about me so I cleared my throat and said, "I mean - oh, you know, just trying to keep the world safe."

"Hm, yes, I could see how that kind of stress affected our dearly-departed Dexter," said his mom, and she wiped a tear from her ye. "Still no idea where he might be?"

_You asked me just this morning_ I thought, but instead answered, "No, I'm afraid not, Mom."

"Oh..." she said, slumping and looking to the floor. I couldn't imagine the agony she must be going through, but Prof Utonium probably could.

"I can understand what you're going through," said the Prof, from beside me. Thankfully he was invited too. "If you want, we can talk about it over dinner. It might be good for you to express your feelings."

She smiled at him sadly. "Thank you, Professor. Oh, and look!" she said, noticing Courage in my arms. She bent over to face him eye-to-eye. "And I'm sure this is Courage, our guest of honor! Hello there, little puppy!"

"AAYYEEEE!" Courage cried and his fur stuud up on end, everyone could see that one tooth he has with the hole in it.

Mom Finster didn't notice his fear at all and just smiled some more. "Aw, what an adorable doggie! We're so happy to have the chance to make things up to him. Now, won't you all please come in?"

We came in after wiping our feet, one at a time, single-file, except Kevin. He came in and tracked mud and bubblegum and what I could only describe as cow dung onto the Finsters' lovely maroon carpet, shocking Mom Finster but she was too polite and only smiled at Kevin, that asshole.

We could smell the pot roast cooking from the kitchen and it smelled so delicious, my bowels immediately contracted and I begged to go to the bathroom. Mom and Dad Finster told me it was right where it always had been and I thanked them and ran. I made a massive poop, a poop wrought of all the stress and agony and loss I'd been through. I cried on the toilet from everything I'd witnessed in these last several months, as well as how bad my butthole hurt. It was bleeding.

"Wind? Are you okay in there?" asked Lou, knocking on the door. The stench from my despair cookie was seeping out from under the door in the form of green fog, highly visible and would likely taint the whole house soon if I didn't finish up in there fast.

" _No,_ " I said, wiping my eyes on some toilet paper.

"Come on out of there," he said gently. "The smell will only make you feel worse."

Sniffling, I knew he was right. I wippity-wiped my bottom and flushed the toilet, or at least tried to, because my butt bullet was the size of a bowling ball and clogged that poor sucker. So after climbing into the toilet and jumping on it a few times to stuff it down, I was good to go and washed my hands (and feet gross)

We went downstairs, Lou had his arm around my shoulder and I greatly appreciated what a caring boyfriend he was. Thankfully I'd had a lot of luck with boyfriends, they were all respectful of me and kind. We got down into the living room, Dee Dee had returned from dance practice and was all excited-like to see me, she gave me a big hug and broke my cervical vertebrae. After popping the shards back into place, I greeted her and said I'd missed her too.

"It's been forever since we did anything together!" Dee Dee declared. "We need to fix that, and I know exactly how!" She ran to the closet, and brought out their game of Twister. "You're going to love this, Wind! It's just like dancing!" she said, rolling the mat out along the floor.

"Eh, I'm more of a song kind of girl, myself," I admitted.

"You can't dance?" Dee Dee asked.

"Not really. I've always been kind of clumsy on my feet."

"I didn't know you could sing, Wind," said Dad Finster. "Can you play, too?"

"Yeah," I said, blushing oh no I'd said too much.

"...what instrument?"

_Oh no_ "... guitar."

"Perfect!" he said, and got out of his chair and walked over to the closet. After fishing around for a bit and hearing various noises such as crashes, a cat yowling and an elephant trumpet, he produced a guitar case. Oh boy I was focked.

"Here, Wind," he said, handing me the case. "This was my father's. Play us a nice ditty, will you?"

I took the guitar what else was I supposed to do say no? "Uh, welll... okay," I said, smiling nervously, and sat down on the ottoman. It had been a while since I played so I carefully fingered the strings to reacquaint myself. Looking at the crowd of excited (and annoyed, which was Kevin) spectators, I got even more anxious, but Lou screamed out from the back, "YOU GO, WIND!" and I felt so much better.

"Okay," I said, and began strumming a latin-inspired tune I'd picked up somewhere. "I dedicate this song to the guest of the hour... specifically, _Courage. Or as the French say..._ " I paused, licking my lips to moisten them because they were dry as a baked asphalt road in July, " _Courage._ "

Courage looked at me in shock from the floor but I started singing a song talking about how much everyone cared about him and how much he was loved. Everyone smiled at him and he immediately got all nervous, real bad, and started screaming and ran upstairs to hide.

No one noticed until my Mom turned to Kev and asked, "Where's Courage?"

"How the hell should I know," Kev snapped, and lit up a cigarrette IN MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS' HOUSE.

"Don't be frightened of us, we're just zombies of love," I sang, tears rolled down my cheeks because all we wanted (well most of us, Kev was a jerk so he didn't) to let Courage know he was loved and we would always be there for him, especially now that he had lost both owners. And who knows. Maybe Eustace really did love him as his own dog-child, and all the scary stuff was just in Courage's head all along. Maybe we'd never know, at least not without a CAT scan.

Dad Finster went upstairs to retrieve the pink dog, setting him down softly on the floor in front of me and telling him, "She's singing about _you._ " I personally wished that Dexter was here for this - it just would've seemed for fitting had he been the one to bring the little dog back. I couldn't understand why, though.

"It makes sense to run when a duck's got a gun, _when the duck's packing heat,_ " I sang, and Courage got scared again thinking of the ducks from outer space, which were even scarier than the mutant eggplants. But not as scary as Ramses.

When I wrapped up the song, I reached over and massaged the bump on Courage's head, he got all relaxed and rolled onto his belly so I could rub it too. As I did so everyone clapped and cheered, I blushed 'cause I was shy playing in front of others, I didn't think I was all that good. I'd only placed fifth in my school's guitar solo competition hm. But I was ahppy they enjoyed it.

"Hey, what's that smell?" asked Dad Finster, sniffing the air. I got scared and wondered if it was the stench from my grogan upstairs. But then Mom Finster smelled it and her eyes went wide with the sound of glass breaking.

" _My roast!_ " she cried, and ran into the kitchen hoping it wasn't burnt, or even worse, dry.

Thankfully, the roast was still nice and tender and it was quickly placed on a serving plate and brought out into the dining room. It looked frigging delicious. Smelled pretty good too. We sat our arses down at that feast and prepared to dig in hm.

"So, uh, what exactly are _you_ doing here, Professor?" I asked him from across the table. "I didn't know you knew the Finsters."

"Oh, we know the Utoniums very well!" said Mom Finster. "The girls' and our son's creators are very good friends. Speaking of, Professor, how is Buttercup adjusting to being home?"

"Very well, thank goodness," the Porfessor said, and gave the most genuine happy smile I'd ever seen from him. "She's still very weak from her encounter with Mojo, but she's recovering quickly and should be able to fly steadily again in a few weeks."

"That's wonderful!" Dad FInster said through a mouthful of pot roast ew "We're so happy that she's back home, safe and sound. We were so worried. If... if only..."

Suddenly, both Finsters started crying, and Dee Dee tried to comfort them. "It's okay, Mom, Dad," she said. "Dexter's probably fine, he's really smart he can take care of himself."

"Your daughter's right, Margaret," the Professor said. "Dexter's a strong young man, just like my Buttercup (who isn't a man but you get my point). He'll be alright, especially since Wind is looking for him." He smiled at me. "She's like a bloodhound, and won't stop until she finds him."

I blushed. "Heh heh... thanks, Professor." I laughed nervously because I hadn't had a decent lead in weeks

"I know she will," said Mom Finster, smiling at me tearfully. "We can't tell you how grateful we are that you're looking for our boy, Wind. It makes us so happy to know your breakup didn't destroy your friendship. Too many wonderful relationships end that way."

"Speaking of, we haven't really gotten to know the knew man on your arm," said Dad Finster, turning to Lou. "Tell us a bit about yourself, Lou. What do you do for a living?"

"Uh, well," my boyfriend said, tensing and starting to sweat like a sprinkler, "I uh, sell toilets at my family's toilet shop."

"Oh, interesting!" said Mom Finster. "How long has it been in your family?"

"My grandfather founded it," Lou explained. "Then my dad inherited it, and I work with him."

"That's wonderful!" she said happily. "My father owns a bait and tackle shop and he passed it down to my brother when he retired. Family businesses are very lovely things."

"Yeah,I said quietly, poking my food with my fork. "They're really... really great..."

Mom held my hand from beside me, knowing what was making me sad. The Finsters knew too, so they didn't press for details - except Dee Dee didn't know, and she was oblivious to the uncomfortable silence and blurted "What's wrong, Wind? Did you lose a family business?"

"... yeah," I said, sadly. "We did."

Lou squeezed my left shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it, Wind?" he asked.

"Well... almost everyone here already knows what happened," I said, "but... since you're my boyfriend, I want to tell you as well. It's... about my father."

Suddenly, without warning, there was a huge BOOSH sound from under the table, and do you know what it was? It was my mother's water breaking, sending ampiotic fluid all over the floor, all over her shoes and skirt, all over _my_ shoes and trousers, and across the table. "Oh no," she said, "it's time!"

" _Focking fetus,_ " I grumbled, upset over being interrupted. I yelled at my mom's distended uterus, "When you get out of there, you are getting such a whooping!"

Dad Finster was no help, he immediately started screaming in fear and fainted over his roast. Kevin helped my mom to the door as Lou and I bid farewell to the Finsters, and I grabbed Courage (who desperately tried to reach his plate of roast but alas his toothpick arms were too short (and likely would've broken under the weight of the plate anyway)) and we hailed a Monkey Skyway agent to take us to the hospital. Only he couldn't, since it was against the rules to fly pregnant women. So we hailed a hovercab instead. The inside smelled of fried onions and harf-boiled eggs, but when you don't have much time, you have to take what you can get.

"Offworld Plaza hospital, and step on it!" I shouted, and hurled taros at the driver to further encourage him to get going. He grumbled and shifted his cigarette as he put the coinage away, then hit the gas.

Then a sharp beeping rang out through the cab. "SHAT AP," shouted the driver his his thick New Tork accent.

"What the heck is that?" I asked, then saw it was my mother's parole ankle bracelet. She was out of bounds!

Sirens blared behind us, and I looked through the rear windshield to see the cops gaining on us. I porbably would've been able to talk them down, but Mom was in labor and we couldn't stop.

We only hoped we had enough time to get to the hospital before my dibling suffocated.


	56. Due In Court

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo my readers! Hope you're all having a lovely day. Well, we're finally to the chapter where Wind's mom gives birth, and you actually learn her mom's name! I was always horrible at names (I mean, Wind, it's obvious) and actually never gave a name for Wind's mom because I couldn't think of anything and she hardly showed up anyway so it was fine for a while, then when she started showing up more often it was just weird to not have a name for her. I kinda felt the same way with Dexter's paretns, it would've just been weird for Professor Utonium to call them "Mr and Mrs. Finster" so I gave names to them both. I know I named his mom in the last chapter, but I can't remember if his dad's name ever made it into the narrative... well, if it didn't, I decided on the name Ethan for him. It just kinda fit? Speaking of names fitting, ugh I cannot express how much I hate how I named Dexter's family the "Finsters". It was originally a joke because Dexter's first voice actress (the late Christine Cavanaugh, bless her soul) also voiced Chuckie Finster in Rugrats, so I thought it would be cute. But now it just doesn't fit, personally? I honestly prefer the name I gave him in When My Magic Meets Your Science, Richards. It's nice, it's ordinary, it just goes better with Dexter's mostly-normal family, and it doesn't sound like too much when paired with a name like "Dexter." Eh I guess I could've changed it in Windfall but I wanted to keep it as close to the original experience as possible, it's quite an experience I know but I hope you're having fun. To all my American readers, I hope you have a wonderful 4th of July, and to my non-American readers I wish a wonderful day to you as well! c: julysunicorn out!

CHAPTER 54: DUE IN COURT

We sped into the emergency room and the cops were still on our tails. Maybe it was because we _literally_ sped into the ER, the hospital was still a wreck after the explosion all those chapters ago and we were able to drive right in, plenty of people screamed though.

Ampiotic fluid was all over the backseat, it was disgusting. At least the cab had leather seats so it didn't soak in, but it still madre everything slippery and slimy. Lou had to fight to keep from throwing up as we paid the cab driver (I struggled since my hands were shaking and there was fluid all over me and he wanted exact change) and we ran outta there and into the hospital as the police started firing at us.

"Hi, Commadner Wind Walter," I said to the receptionist, Millie, as I held up my badge.

"Oh, hello, Wind!" she said happily. "I remember you. How've the Wilds been?"

"Oh they've been great!" I said smiling. "Lots of mosquitoes, though. And unfortunately I get bitten up pretty easily. But other than that it's been very peaceful." I didn't want to tell her about our loss of Kuki or the heads exploding because it was still a very sensitive subject for me.

"That's good to hear," she said. "So, what can I help you with today?"

"My mom's in labor."

Just then Millie noticed mom screaming from what I could only assume to be cramps (or maybe it was because she finally realized what an asswipe Kevin was and was horrified that she was dating him) but she said, "Oh dear, we'll get her in right away!" She then grabbed a nearby phone and called in a team of nurses, who then came out with a gurney, threw mom onto it and whisked her away deeper into the bowels of the hospital, in which my new half-sibling would emerge from the bowels of our mom.

And yes, yes, I know, babies don't come from bowels, unless it's a man giving birth. But thankfully I hadn't witnessed that yet.

But... now that I'd thought about it...

" _Oh no_ " I said, and began crying as Lou and I walked to my mom's room.

"Wind? It'll be alright, don't worry. She's in competent hands," my boyfriend said, rubbing my back.

"No, that's not it," I said, wiping my eyes. "I'm afraid, that... now that I've thought of how a man gives birth... I'll witness it in the future..." I sniffled loudly. "I don't want to see something like that..."

"Oh, Wind," he said, and gave me a hug. "Don't worry. Human men can't get pregnant anyway. It's like a monster in your closet. You don't have to be afraid."

He gave me a loving kiss and we entered my mom's room, unfortunately she'd already been pantsed and her private bits were hanging out so great, I got to see that. Wonderful. Like I wasn't scarred enough from all the other horrors I'd been exposed to during this war. Thankfully they threw a blanket over her to hide her clam so it wouldn't be staring at us anymore sheesh. I mean you don't see me with my fanny hanging out, except that time in Marquee Row but my skirt had burned off remember.

"Okay Mrs. Walter, the doctor will be in shortly, soon you'll have a happy bouncing bundle of joy in your arms!" said Nurse Katie as she set down a cup of jello on my mom's table.

"Thank you Nurse" she said and began digging into that jello out of nerves (she has a bad habit of eating sweets when stressed, okay it could also have been the pregnancy cravings but do you still get cravings when you're in labor? I dunno)

Suddenly a huge BOOM came from outside and the hospital shook, the lights flickered and I could hear everyone screaming. I ran to a window and saw the police outside, the captain was holding a megaphone.

" **Theresa Walter,** " he called, " **exit the building at once. You are in violation of your parole boundaries and will be brought in peacefully if you cooperate.** "

"Captain!" I called, showing my badge from the window, "This is Commander Wind Walter of the Dexlabs Army, I'm Theresa's daughter. She's in labor right now with my half-sibling, she had to come to the hospital!"

" **I'm sorry, Commander Walter,** " called the captain, " **but rules are rules and your mother is a danger to society. Please, escort her outside. She can give birth in the jail, where she and the baby can be observed.** "

My new sibling, birthed in some cold, dank cell, with no sunlight, surrounded by criminals?! "No way!" I shouted. "A baby deserves to enter the world in a sterile environment, I don't entirely trust the doctors here but it's better than in jail!"

" **That baby is now considered an accomplice to Theresa Walter's parole violation,** " the captain responded. " **If it didn't start labor when it did, and force her to run, we wouldn't have to bring her back in. It will be arrested as well once they are both brought to us.** "

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE CALL MY SIBLING "IT!" I HAVE SEEN THE SONOGRAM PICTURES AND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE ME MAD YOU WILL REFER TO MY SIBLING AS-"

I had to duck because those assholes shot another missile at the hospital, dust and pieces of wall went everywhere but we were still standing strong.

" _Fock,_ " I said, stepping back so they couldn't see me no more, "what the heck's gotten into them?! The police here were always good people who only wanted to help... what happened?"

Nothing made sense anymore, and I'd lost so much. My life. My ex-boyfriend. My father. My job at Burger Frenzy (though that was a blessing, not gonna lie). Rex had been vaporized right next to me, and Zim had been experimented on by Eustace and was most likely dead. I bit my lip, the knowledge that I'd lost that poor little alien was too much to bear.

"Oh, Zim," I cried, "if I could only hold you in my arms again, I'd tell you how much you meant to me..."

"Wind?" asked a familiar voice behind me.

"Zim?!" I said, whipping around. It wasn't Zim, it was Raz. "Oh... hi, Raz. What are you doing at the hospital?"

"Me? Uh..." he looked around all nervous-like for a second "Just... needed to come in for a check-up. Anyway, what's going on out there? Why are they looking for a "Walter?""

"Ugh, it's my Mom," I explained, "she's in labor with my stepsibling and needs to stay in our town due to parole, but there's no hospital in Genius Grove and this was the closest one, they don't understand that though..." I scratched my chin, I needed a shave soon. "They've never acted so hostile before... I don't understand why they've been treated my family this way..."

Raz walked to the window and looked out, then gasped. "Wind!" he said. "Did you realize they were fusions?!"

"... huh?" I asked.

"Look at them!" he urged.

I returned to the window, they shot a missile at me which blew me back against the wall, but before I was blown away I looked hard at them, and yes... if I concentrated enough, their human skin faded away and sure enough, they were green, churning monsters with red eyes.

Raz ran to where I fell and helped me up. "H... how did I not notice that?!" I asked.

" _Because you're an idiot,_ " he mumbled under his breath but I didn't hear, he was too nice to say it to my face anyway.

"We gotta get out there and stop them!" I said, standing up and running to the door, but I noticed I was the only one running. "Aren't you coming, Raz?" I asked turning around.

"Me? Uh... I..." he said, he started sweating and looking around. "I don't... think that's a good idea..."

"What? You're one of the greatest psychics to ever live! You're only eighteen yet you've been a Psychonaut since you were ten! That's amazing!" I said. "Besides, it's only me they want, they didn't fire that missile until _I_ got to the window. They won't hurt you, Raz, and if they try, I'll be there to protect you."

His eyes darted from me, to the window, to himself for a few seconds, before he finally said, "... I'm sorry, Wind. I just can't." And he ran out of the ward.

"Raz!" I called, but it was no use he was long gone. I cursed under my breath, but if I had to do this alone, I was going to do it. For my mom, and for my baby sibling.

I dashed out through the massive hole in the wall in the ER waiting room, but as I did so Millie called to me and asked if I wanted a lollipop before I left. She was so sweet I couldn't say no, so I walked back over and took a cotton candy Dum-Dum, mm, so good. I thanked her and headed out for real.

Immediately the fusion officers and detectives started shooting at me like enemies in a video game. The fusions just weren't smart enough to know how to save bullets hm. I took cover behind a van and took advantage of them pausing to reload to unleash frozen cherry ice blasts at them from me guns.

"Take that!" I shouted, shooting them and enraging them but I downed a couple at least. Then I had to duck not only because they started firing again but because the pop guns need to reload too, in the sense that if you shoot them too often they heat up and start to melt, but if you let them sit for a little they'll cool back down and you can resume the fight. Most pistols have a similar recharging method because they're small guns and most people wouldn't bring them into a large battle like you would with a melee weapon or a rifle, the latter of which typically has more traditional reloading methods (for example, the T.H.U.M.P.E.R., which is reloaded manually with teddy bears), and so a fight where you bring a pistol instead of something heavier should ideally be easy enough that you can down your foe before you have to recharge, or it's not so deadly that you can't wait a few moments when your round is spent.

I was still feeling pretty cocky though and laughed as my gun regained it's icy temperature in my hands. "Heh, guess this chapter should've been called "BOYS IN GREEN" instead!" I joked, then wasn't feeling so funny when I heard a clicking sound and turned to the left, only to see a fusion officer aiming right at me. "Oh, _shit._ "

I scrambled under the van but the fusion still managed to shoot me in the shoulder. My arm went flying off and skidded across the asphalt, stopping in front of the fusion cops. They all stared at it for a moment, before filling it with holes like Swiss cheese.

"MY ARM! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed, knowing they'd never be able to save it now.

But when they'd stopped firing and I'd opened my eyes... my arm was fine? What? How?

Looking more closely, there was a big pink bubble around it, a bubble that had sent every bullet bouncing off its surface and into everything else nearby, people in the waiting room were screaming from their new gunshot wounds. The bubble suddenly flickered out, and I heard an old woman's voice.

"What simple creatures. Even simpler than you humans, grandson. They just kept shooting."

Purple feet floated over to my arm, followed by black Converse shoes and large brownish alien military boots. "Gee, thanks, Grandma," Ben snapped, "it's nice to know you think I'm simple after I've saved the universe so many times."

"Do not let her get to you, Ben," said Vilgax, "For now... let us join our friend in battle!"

Vilgax took out his beefiest rifle and started shooting the fusions, and Ben ran around to the other side of the van and took out the one that shot me before kneeling and offering his hand to me. "Need some help, Wind?"

I smiled at him. "Ben! Thank you!"

I grabbed his hand and inched out from under the van, and joined him in shooting the fusions. It wasn't too hard with only one arm thank goodness. Ben's alien grandma shielded my arm and threw pink energy discs at the fusions, they looked very familiar...?

"Ben," I asked, "was Gwen your grandmother all along?! And she just transcended to an alien energy form upon death?"

"Ha ha, no," he said, though he started crying a little after being reminded of his cousin's passing. "That's our grandmother, Verdona. She's an Anodite and her powers were passed on to Gwen."

"Oh, okay," I said, before getting all scared and asking, "WAIT, SO HOW DID YOUR GRANDFATHER-"

" _Don't you dare ask that question, you vile worm,_ " Verdona growled.

"Alright, arlgith," I said.

Soon, with the help of my friends and the generous protection of Ben's gramma, the fusion cops were dissolved back into fusion matter and my arm was saved! "Hooray!" we all cheered.

Then, disasture truly struck. The window across from my mom's bed shattered, but it wasn't until we saw what caused it that we really started to panic.

My baby sibling had been shot through the window.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed, watching the little baby's body fly through the air like a t-shirt shot out of a cannon at a baseball game.

"Grandma!" Ben begged, "Please, save the baby! My omnitrix isn't working I can't change into XLR8!"

"Oh, fine," she said, and zipped through the air after my sibling. Even though the baby was easily five miles away, Verdona caught the infant with ease and brought my sibling back to us.

"Oh my goodness, Verdona, thank you," I said, crying. Then I shook my fist at the window and shouted, "DARN IT, MOM! WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!"

"Sorry Wind, I've been doing my kegels," she called back.

* * *

We all gathered in my mum's hospital room, she was holsing my new baby sister. We named her Wednesday, because Mom loved watching The Addams Family as a kid and the gloomy Wednesday's name was perfect for her half-demon daughter. She had completely cyan eyes and her hair was on cyan fire just like her deadbeat papa, but she had caucasian skin and claws and just altogether looked like some horrible unholy beast, but she was our sister/daughter and was already such a sweet baby.

"Do you want to hold her, Kevin?" asked Mom to Kevin.

"Ech, _no,_ " he said, stepping away in disgust.

I glared at him. " _Up your incarcerated ass, Kevin._ "

"She doesn't look too bad!" Lou said, laughing nervously. "Just a little, uh... exotic! Yeah, that's the word!"

"Oh, this isn't going to work at all!" I cried, falling onto the bed. "She's a freak of nature and will be treated like one for the rest of her days!"

"It's okay, Wind," Mom said. "Everything will be alright. I'm proud of you. You've always been such a protective big sister."

Sniffling, I looked up at my drug-addict mom. "Wh... what do you mean? I've only been a big sister for an hour. No wait, 45 minutes," I said, after checking the clock.

"That's not true, Wind," Mom said, then sighed sadly. "There's... there's something I haven't told you. Something I've asked your older brother to keep from you, because I was worried about stirring up any bad memories. You were so young when it happened, and you were so devastated, I just never brought it up again for your sake."

"... what are you talking about, Mom?" I asked.

"Wind," she said, "it's time I told you about... your little brother."


	57. Oh, Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4th of July, readers! c: I've got a special surprise for you today... 4 NEW CHAPTERS! well actually the next two and a half were the ones I accidentally posted early, but I finally polished up the last chapter before that snag and figured why the heck not?! And it totally fits since today's the 4th! also some guest left some sort of ad review on this? it was really freaky it was talking about love spells or something which is majorly whack yo and I'm thoroughly distubred... as if I haven't been through enough but ANYWAY hope you're all having a wonderful day, be careful with those fireworks, don't want to blow your hand off like Dexter, eat plenty of watermelon and I'll see you next time! c:
> 
> oh, and oops before I forget ANOTHER WARNING: this chapter also deals with some very serious topics, particularly regarding Wind's dad. Just a heads up it might bring up bad things for some readers.

CHAPTER 55: OH, BROTHER

"... little brother?" I asked, perplexed to the max. "But... I don't have a little brother."

"You do, Wind," Mom said, "or, at least, you _did._ He... died, a long time ago."

"From what?"

"Who cares?" Kevin said as he fought with his lighter. "Brat's dead anyway. Hey Theresa, how long did the doc say it would be before we could have sex again?"

"YOU SACK OF SHIT!" I shouted and tried to throw myself across the bed to wring Kev's neck, but Lou stopped me before I could do anything drastic that would bring the real cops here.

"Wind," said Mom, "before I tell you the story, I need you to be absolutely sure you want to hear it. It will involve digging up memories you might not want to revisit again."

"I'm certain, Mom," I said. "I want to know.

"Okay," she said, and took a deep breath. "It happened nine years ago..."

* * *

Little Winifred Walter was your typical happy nine-year-old. She loved playing with her Barbies and especially loved strapping them to her older brother's RC monster truck to send them through homemade flaming hoops. She always dreamed of becoming an intergalactic warrior to protect the Earth from the various evil aliens that existed in this world. Specifically the Glorft, who had been ravaging Earth for years, even before Winifred's birth. After her little brother Wade was born, her mission became all that more important.

Mr. Walter loved to sail. He was a woodworker by trade, but the one thing he loved more than crafting something beautiful and intricate out of a log was taking his family out on Orchid Bay for a day under the shining sun and above the clear blue waves. His youngest son's name was actually inspired by his love for the oceon.

"We should probably be headed back to shore soon, Will," said his lovely wife Theresa, looking stunning as usual in her flowing pale pink sundress and wide-brimmed sunhat. Theresa never had to try to look beautiful, but her best feature was her personality. She was honestly dumb as a post (and Winifred inherited her IQ) but she was always there to shower those in need with kindness.

"But we just got out here!" Will argued, laughing. "And the kids are having so much fun." Walter, the couple's eldest, was the smartest of the bunch tbh

"But look at the horizon," Theresa said, pointing. Dark clouds were moving in.

"Oh, I guess you're right... we'll head back to shore in a few minutes, hon. I just... wanted to spend some time out here..."

"You haven't been acting normal lately," Theresa said, setting her hand on her husband's shoulder. "You've looked so sad, but you hide it for the kids... and me." She cupped his face in her hands. "Tell me, Will - what's wrong? I'm your ife, you can tell me anything."

"Theresa..." he said, setting his hands on hers, "... you're right. Can we... talk about it in the cabin? I don't want the kids to hear..."

"Of course."

The Walters went inside, while Wally, Winifred, and little baby Wade stayed out on the deck, watching the waves. Wade was in a little sailor suit and was laying on the chaise lounge (his mom put him there).

"Gee, it sure is pretty out here," said Winifred, and she cried out in joy when she saw a dolphin breach just a few yards from the bow.

"Yeah, it's a really nice day, but those clouds look a little concerning..." said Wally, noting how fast they were approaching.

"Hey..." Winifred said, turning to her older brother, "When you go off to college... you won't forget me, will you?"

"What?!" Wally asked, startled. "Of course not, Windy! Why would you think that?"

"Well... you'll be out on your own, with new friends, and you might like them more..." tears came to his little sister's eyes. "I want you to know, if you are happier with them... then I'm happy for you, and it's okay."

"Windy," Wally said, kneeling down to hug his now-sobbing sister, "I'll never forget you. I could make a hundred friends at college, but none of them would ever equal you. I'll always be there for you, I promise."

Just then a loud clap of thunder shocked the siblings, and it started raining. The storm had descended on the boat faster than they'd thought it would! The waves became unruly, throwing the boat up and down, left and right as Wally and Winifred held onto the side rail to keep from being thrown overboard.

But one was left.

" _Kids?!_ " called Will, running out of the cabin with Theresa, both their faces were stained with tears from their conversation, but little did they know that more tears were about to follow - for the boat bucked on the water, and little baby Wade was thrown into the sea.

"WADE!" screamed Theresa, and her husband ran out and jumped over the port side to try and save their two-month-old, but it was no use; not only was it too dark to see anything, but there was no sign of the little white-and-navy sailor suit in the churning waters.

Wally threw a life preserver overboard to save his now-drowning father, and the family managed to get back to shore without capsizing, by some amazing stroke of luck. Search parties were sent out for two weeks to try and recover anything, but no remains of any kind turned up. Even if they had, the Walters knew there was no way the little baby could've survived.

Winifred suffered from severe PTSD after watching her beloved baby brother fall into the sea, and as if that wasn't enough, Will died from cancer only five months later. Losing her son and becoming a widow at only 35 in less than a year sent Theresa into a horrible tailspin of depression, and she began abusing drugs to cope. This lead to the authorities eventually busting her and taking away little Winifred too, but they left Wally because "he was sixteen and could care for himself." And so Winifred was sent to the orphanage, until her mother was finally able to re-adopt her when she was fifteen. During her time in the prhanage, Winifred forgot her little brother due to stress, and Theresa never brought him up again to spare her daughter's mental state.

* * *

"They... they never found anything?" I asked in the present, trembling from reliving my family's history.

"No," Mom said, crying. "Nothing. A tiny baby couldn't have survived, anyway... it was one of the most horrible things I've ever experienced."

"I... I remember him now," I said, beginning to cry, myself. "He was so small... with such big blue eyes..."

Double-Double-U was the first one to actually start wailing in sorrow. We hugged each other through our grief, and Lou joined us because he felt so bad, but Kev just rolled his eyes and sighed, then left to go to the vending machine to get a candy bar.

"But... but maybe," I croaked, wiping my eyes, "maybe he's still alive."

"Your father, Wind?" asked Lou.

"No," I hissed, "my little brother."

"Wind," Wally stressed, "I remember the waves that day. A two-motnh-old infant-"

"I know, it's highly unlikely he survived," I said, "but look at everything else going on around us! How likely was it that we'd survive the Battel of Heroes' Hollow, or that Juniper Lee would save her town from the racatan? This is a world where miracles happen!"

"Wind, please," Mom cried, "I don't want to have my hopes crushed again. Let's just move on to something else, okay?"

I crossed my arms and slumped back in my chair. " _Fine._ " I knew there was a chance Wade was still alive, though... I just felt it.


	58. Fuzzy Feelings

CHAPTER 56: FUZZY FEELINGS

Today I was on babysitting duty, actually I'd been on babysitting duty quite a lot recently. Normally, Flapjack was shuffled around between all the competent soldiers at the Outpost, but wich Wallabee grieving badly and still being under observation by Nurse Lesley, I had taken over all his custody days. It was okay, for the most part, but really exhausting because Flap didn't understand the meaning of "PLEASE WE'VE BEEN WANDERING AROUND THIS JUNGLE FOR HOURS MY DOGS ARRE BARKING I NEED TO EAT ACTUAL FOOD AND NOT TWIGS AND BERRIES CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO BACK"

"So how long have you been a commander, Wind?" Flap asked as he balanced on a log. We were approaching Leakey Lake, where I'd first found him, covered in filth and, very likely, his own feces.

"Almost two years now," I said, looking up at Planet Fusion in the sky. "It's hard to believe the war's been going on that long."

"Yeah... it feels like just yesterday I was back in Stormalong with Buppy and K'Nuckles..."

I looked at him. "Do you miss them, Flap?"

"Of course I do," he said sadly. "I really want to see them again... but until then I have my memories, and the locket Buppy gave me when I was a baby."

"... the whale gave you a locket?" I asked, then was tormented by the image of a gigantic blue whale using it's monstrous flipper to put a delicate locket around Flap's equally-delicate and spindly neck, it probably broke in the process.

"Yeah!" he said suddenly happily. Honestly it wouldn't have surprised me if he had some sort of chemical imbalance. "I've had it for as long as I can remember, and it's got a photo of me and Buppy in it now. She took it herself."

" **... the whale took a photo?** " I asked, horrified by the image of a blue whale using it's massive, diseased flipper to press the tiny button on a disposable Kodak camera, but it used too much strength and wound up smashing it into thousands of pieces. Then the flash went off.

"She used her eye to press the button," Flap said, smiling. "She's really dexterous like that."

_Dexterous._ The word repeated in my head, causing me to start crying quietly.

"Oh no, Wind!Why are you crying?" asked Flap.

"It's... it's nothing, Flap," I said, covering my face.

"It's not nothing if you're crying," he said, and offered me a barnacled hankie. "C'mon, tell me what's wrong."

I took it and, after hesitating, only pretended to dry my tears with it because I was afraid of getting barnacle eyes. Barnacle eyebrows were bad enough. "Well, you see... I'm looking for someone, someone very close to me, whose name is Dexter."

"Oh," he said, bringing his hands to his mouth was he going to eat them? "I'm so sorry for bringing it up, Wind!"

"What? No!" I said, shaking my hands. "You didn't do anything wrong, Flap. It's just something that's been weighing on my mind. You didn't know. It's okay."

"I still don't like to see you upset," Flap said, pouting, before snapping his fingers. "Oh! Wait! I know what'll make you happy!"

"What?" I asked.

"I'll show you my locket!" he said, and started running up a hill to the north.

"Flapjack? Whee are you going?" I called.

"I gotta go get it! I left it in a safe place!" he said.

Worried, I followed him up the hill, but immediately skidded to a halt upon seeing a sign that read, "GO AWAY."

"You don't own the jungle, you shit-faced merde eater!" I snapped, flipping off the sign. Then I continued a little farther and saw another one on the other side of the path that read "STAY OFFA MY PROPITY!"

" **Wait,** " I said. That spelling... it sounded familiar. I thought back to my Wilds preparatory seminar when I'd first arrived here, where Numbuh 4 told us that there was a monster with very poor communication skills that lived in this part of the forest, and had been known to murder unsuspecting trespassers by ripping them apart with his sheer strength, the strength of ten thousand sasquatches, so we needed to be careful and never, ever go into the southeast corner of Leakey Lake.

The corner where Flapjack was currently running.

"FLAPJACK! WAIT!" I screamed, and ran up the hill to save him. At the same time I called up Numbuh 4 on my nanocom.

"Ugh, yes, Wind?" he grumbled, he was in bed despite it being the afternoon, that was odd.

"WALLABEE I WAS OUT WITH FLAPJACK IN THE FOREST AND HES' RUNNING UP TO THAT MONSTER'S CABOIN YOU TOLD US ABOUT I NEED BACKUP!" I said, unholserting my cherry pop gun ooh boy I knew we were in for a shootout.

"He's near Fuzzy?!" he said scared, and suddenly wide awake. I felt bad bothering him but he was one of the most capable fighters I knew. "Be careful Wind, we'll be over there right away!" he hung up to get ready.

I just hoped he would get here in time.

I finally reached the crest of the hill, and I got to see the ramshackle shack Wallabee had warned us about. The grass was overgrown, the screen windows were torn. There was a toilet out on the front lawn. I couldn't see Flapjack anywhere, but noted with horror that the door was slightly ajar.

"F... Falpjack?" I whispered, looking around and titpoeing into the grass.

"Right here!" he practically shouted, at least it seemed like a shout compared to the quiet stillness of this eerie place. His voice came from the left side of the cabin, so I hurried over. He was halfway under it, pulling a small chest out from the cabin's crawlspace.

" _Flap, there's a murderous missing link that lives here, we gotta go,_ " I hissed, though I didn't mean for it to come out as a hiss, it's just that I was still whispering but frantically.

"Don't worry, I've got it!" he said, getting a good hold on the chest before rising and taking my hand again. "Okay! Here, let me show-"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YER DOIN' HERE?!" shouted a voice behind us. A voice belonging... to the big pink brute, Fuzzy Lumpkins, who was holding a shotgun with a barrel wide enough to shoot a ham out of.

"Uh... **uhh...** " I stammered,

"DROP YER WEAP'N!" he demandeded. I complied for the sake of Flarp.

"Now, WHAT IN TARNATION ARE YA DOIN' HERE?!" Fuzzy screamed, shoving the end of his barrel into my face so it was covering my face. The inside smelled like gunshot and honey glaze. It was dark and scary... and warm.

" _Flap,_ " I said, " _run._ "

He only held my hand tighter. Fuzzy screamed at me but was facing the boy instead which didn't make any sense, "DON'T YOU TELL HIM TO GO!"

"I'M NOT LEAVING YOU HERE!" Flap cried. "YOU'RE A BIG, FAT, PINK, HAIRY MEANIE!" (this was obviously aimed at Fuxxy)

"THAT'S IT!" Fuzzy screamed, and started to move his barrel toward Flap!

"WIND! HURRY!" came the shout of an Australian man from below the hill. Soon, a rain of bullets, bubbles, custard, radioactive goo and various other ammo came down on the cabin.

I ran with Flapjack past Fuzzy, who was taken by surprise by the onslaught, and down the hill to the others. Numbuh 4 and a few other operatives were hiding behind a rock for protection.

"I WON'T LET YOU GET AWAY!" Fuzzy screamed.

Shots rang out in the air and we ducked for cover, duck 'n cover, the bombs are comin' down - but theses weren't bombs, they were buckshot. Buckshot from a shotgun. A shotgun from a pink, hairy beast that reeked of sweaty socks and unwashed hiney crack.

"I'm gonna try and talk him down," said Numbuh 4 before he stood up and bellowed through his megaphone, "FUZZY LUMPKINS! PLEASE STAND DOWN! WE ARE ONLY HERE TO REMOVE COMMANDER WALTER AND HER CHARGE FROM YOUR PREMISES!"

"GIT OFFA MY PROPITY!" Fuzzy demanded, and SHOT NUMBUH 4!

"WALLABEE?!" I shrieked, watching in slow motion as his pale virgin body fell to the ground, dead and lifeless.

"Ughhhhh..." he moaned, his eyelids fluttering as he slowly fell out of consciousness.

"Numbuh 4?!" Cynthia cried, kneeling beside him. She was crying her tears were falling on his sweater, mixing with the blood oozing from his shoulder. She had already watched Kuki die she couldn't lose Wallabee too.

He passed out then, likely from shock and pain, though it could have also been hunger. Or blood loss but he'd only been shot a few seconds ago. Harlan dragged his body closer to him to make sure he was completely out of the line of fire, and handed me his triple action S.H.A.V.E.R.A.M.A..

"Put a razor in 'im," he said, and went to comfort Cynthia. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and down her legs.

I nodded, and positioned that sucker on the rock. I aimed right for Fuzzy's head. No one shoots a friend of mine and gets away with it.

But I realized... he was also aiming at mine.

And he fired first.


	59. Today I Kill Shakespeare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's for you, Willy. c:

CHAPTER 57: TODAY I KILL SHAKESPEARE

When I was in school, I went to Endsville junior high. I was a very shy young teen and often was the only one who volunteered for Principal Goodvibes' numerous fundraisers. I was the sole student who accompanied him for the fateful "Save the Buck-Toothed Hippo" drive. No one wanted to be my friend, and they all said I would never win the heart of my biggest crush: Dexter Finster.

Dexter had transferred to our school the year prior, after a science experiment of his burned down his last school. Apparently his teachers said he would fit right in at Endsville. I'd watched him from afar many times, but never had the courage to actually go up and talk to him.

And the days I volunteered backstage for the school's production of Romeo and Juliet were no exception.

Dexter was playing Romeo, and many of my classmates auditioned to be Juliet just after hearing he would be playing opposite them - even some of my male classmates. Finally a girl named Rachel got the part, even though she was pretty sheepish though not as sheepish as me, but Principal Goodvibes picked her because she was the only one who _didn't_ have a crush on Dexter, so she wouldn't be distracted during the rehearsals and play, especially after the first girl he picked threatened him with a plastic knife from the cafeteria when he told her to leave Dexter alone for a little bit so he could change.

"Romeo, Romeo, where fort art thou, Romeo?" she said while up in the rickety cardboard balcony girl had balls.

"I'm still not feeling it," Principal Goodvibes called up on his megaphone, since the tower was true to scale "Try it again, with _feeling._ "

"But Principal Gootvibes," she said, "I've been saying the same line for fifteen minutes already."

"And you're going to keep saying it until you get it perfect!" he snapped. "ACTION!"

"Uh, Principal, I think she sounds just fine," said Dexter, hoping to get her off the hook. He was all dressed up as Romeo with the puffy pants and everything.

"Who's the director here, you, or me, pretty boy?" Principal Goodvibes snapped, then said again, "ACTION!"

" **Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?** " Rachel offered.

"Again!"

" _ **Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?!**_ "

"Again!"

Rachel started shaking, her face twisted in fury. Then, she just started screaming, at the top of her lungs. Everyone in the room went silent, staring at her. Even Principal Goodvibes was shocked. She continued screaming for about five minutes until she finally stopped, gasping for air.

"... bravo!" Prinicpal Goodvibes cheered, clapping his hands. He wiped a tear from his eye after the applause. "The emotion! The energy! That was simply splendid, Rachel! Now, onto the next line..."

Meanwhile, I was bckstage, watching Dexter longingly from behind the red curtain. I stepped away from it, and sighed. Why couldn't I have been brave and faithful like Juliet, and go talk to him? Instead here I was, washing the poop buckets here in the dark(the bathrooms were out of order and had been for days)

"You! Hired help!" snapped one of the girls playing Juliet's Nurse, "Where's my lemonade?!"

"Uh, right here," I said, scramling to the nearby refreshment table. After pouring her a cup of lemonade and hurrying over to her, she ripped it out of my hands, splashing a good amount of it on the floor, and guzzled it all down before glaring at me.

"I told you to get me a cup ages ago!" she snapped, jutting her finger at me. "You're lucky you're the most unpopular girl in school and we can't find an equally-lame replacement!" There was lemonade caught in her mustache, and it was highly visible, looked like she'd been drinking piss.

I bit my tongue to keep from laughing. "Iwhl dgh bghttr nghx tghm," I said all muffled-like because I was still biting my tongue.

"See that you do, she snapped, turning away and walking off.

I sighed, and went back to sweeping. No one treated me like a person here. No one wanted to be nice to the owl girl from the orphanage. I bit my tongue again, this time to keep from crying, but the tears flowed anyway. Great, I was crying in public again. I'd better hide or something before someone saw and told me to suck it up-

Then Principal Goodbar ran backstage in a panic! "Everyone! An event most terrible has just struck!"

"What's wrong Sir?" I asked, everyone gathered around him to hear his tale of woe.

"Rachel's had a heart attack," he explained, worried. "The stress of her screaming fit was too much for her, and she collapsed right after. We don't have a Juliet!" He started biting his nails, crying. "Once again, my dreams of directing a play successfully have been _ruined!_ "

Immediately, all the girls started jumping up and down, demanding they be the new Juliet. I was knocked to the back, falling on my tush and against a shelf, off of which a bucket fell onto my head.

"Please, girls!" Principal Goodpoop begged, "give me a chance to think!" But they didn't stop their yelling.

Finally Dexter spoke up, he'd come in with the Principal but no one had noticed him until now, "My classmates, please. Carrying on like this will solve nothing. Clearly, we do not have time to make a new Juliet costume, so the new Juliet has to be the same size as Rachel. _That_ is how we will solve our problem."

That wouldn't be easy. Rachel was tall for her age, the tallest of all of us at the school. The only girl closest in height to her was... was...

" _Me,_ " I said, shocked.

Everyone could hear my whisper and looked at me, the girls were glaring at me while the Principal looked at me with hope. "Do you think you can do it, Wind?" he asked. "You do get awful shy."

"I... I..." I said, then pushed myself up. " _The show must go on._ "

I received Rachels dress and went into the changing rooms to do whatever it is you do in there. Everyone waited with baited breath for me to come out. And when I did... the Principal smiled ear to ear. "We have our Juliet!"

The dress was a little long, but it was nothing a few asafety pins couldn't fix. I climbed up the cardboard tower and walked out onto the balcony, good grief was it made from cereal boxes?! If I pressed down on certan parts with my toe, I could see light shining through...

"On your mark," called Princiapl Goodturkey, "ACTION!"

"Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou..." I said, but trailed off... seeing the massive amount of spectaters in the crowd. Good Lord, they were everywhere. Watching me. Judging me.

"Psst! You suck!" whispered the girls from the bottom of the tower's popsicle-stick ladder.

"Where... where for..." I said, but I couldn't get the rest of the line out. Sweat bubbled up out of my skin and soaked the dress yikes hope Rachel wouldn't want it back after this.

"Come on, Wind," Principal Goodbaster called through the megaphone, "the entire audience is waiting for you..."

Finally, I heard an encouraging voice from below. "Wind," whispered Dexter, catching my attention and I looked down over the balcony (and the tower swayed a little bit as I moved my weight) "Don't be scared. You're doing just fine. Take a deep breath. I trust you, you can do this."

Hearing the love of my life say that brought singing birds of joy into my heart, and I smiled. Standing tall, I recited, "Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?"

"Right here," he said, behind me.

I turned around, and we embraced each other. I cried down his shoulder. "Dexter... I'm so scared I won't find you."

"Don't worry about me, Wind," he said, stroking my hair, "Right now, you need to worry about yourself."

"But I have no idea what's happening to you. You could be being tortured... or maybe..."

I sobbed, but he hugged me tighter. "Shh, it's okay. I'm going to be alright, Wind. But right now, you need to be strong. For both of us."

"I..." I mumbled, turning my head groggily.

"What did she say?" asked Zak, sitting beside me. Blood was pooling on my pillowcase, pouring out of the hole in my forehead. My whole bed was soaked, my hospital gown slowly being dyed red from my injury.

"I... I can't..." I mumbled again, incoherent. "I can't... without you..."

After a few more seconds I had fallen back into unconsciousness. Nurse Lesley closely monitored my vital signs as he worked to save my life.

"Is she going to be okay?" asked Flapjack, in tears as he clutched Numbuh 4, whose arm was in a sling.

Hesitant to answer, Wallabee finally said, "We have to stay positive for her, kiddo. Wind's a strong young woman."

"Wallabee," Nurse Lesley said monotously as usual, "I need you to come look at this."


	60. Numb

CHAPTER 58: NUMB

A loud bell rang in my head, but that wasn't what woke me - instead, it was the massive shockwave that ripped through the nurse's tent and made me shake in my hospital bed.

I should've been scared... why wasn't I scared? All I felt was...

... numb.

My eyelids fluttered open, and I looked around the room. I was alone. Slowly, I became aware of the sounds of gunfire and screaming coming from outside. Knowing I had to help, I tried to jump out of bed, but all I managed was to fall hard to the floor.

_That's... not normal._

My arms shook violently as I pushed myself up, and my legs shook after taking my weight from them. I stumbled as I made my way to the door, falling against the wall. I cringed from the pain in my shoulder, then was reminded of the unknown struggle outside by a loud scream. I forced myself to the door, using every ounce of strength I had to throw it open.

Outside it was chaos. Operatives and soldiers alike were firing and slicing at fusion monsters of all shapes and sizes. The dead were everywhere. Cabins were burning down and the stench of blood hung heavily in the air.

"WHAT IN THE FOCK HAPPENED OUT HERE?!" I screamed.

Or at least... I tried to scream?

No words came out of my mouth, only garbled nonsense. I reached up to my mouth, but felt nothing that could inhibit my ability to speech.

"Wallabee?" I tried to say, but again it came out as slurred gibberish.

I started to hyperventilate. What was wrong with me?! As I got more upset, I felt a trickling sensation run down my forehead, so I reached up to see what it was. Instantly, my hands met with the gauze that was wrapped around my head and were slicked with blood. _Blood?_

An operative ran across the yard a few yards away from me while chased by a gang of bladed mantises. He tripped on his shoelace and they descended on him with no mercy, just started tearing him to pieces and devouring his flesh I say. I wanted to help him - I _needed_ to help him - but I was somehow unable to walk properly and was without a weapon. What was I supposed to do?!

The answer came soon in the form of Wallabee shooting the mantises dead, and checking the operative he was also dead. But he saw me struggling to stand in the doorway, and looked incredibly scared. "Wind!" he shouted, before running up to me and helping me stand. "You shouldn't be up - you're in critical condition!"

"What do you mean? What's happening?" I tried to make out, but you know the drill by now.

Numbuh 4 seemed to pale even more when I spoke. "Oh, Wind..." he said, and helped me back to the bed. "Here, lie down. I'll stay in the doorway and keep you safe."

I wondered where Nurse Leasley was. But I complied, I lied down and he ran to the tent flap, looking around. Within seconds he started firing again, swearing under his breath.

"What's going on? What happened to me?" I said.

It took him a moment to respond. "You either want to know what's going on, or why you're having so much trouble. I'll answer both for you. First, the fusions attacked while you were unconscious. They got us by surprise through an underground terrafuser. Bloody buggers..." He was quiet, but continued. "They had quite the advantage. But we're not giving up without a fight. And as for you... Wind, I'm so sorry. You were seriously injured during the fight with Fuzzy. I'm afraid it seems to have damaged your noggin."

Fuzzy? Who was that? Slowly, the memories came back. Flapjack. The hamgun. The bullet knocking my head back.

" _OMG,_ " I said, reaching a wobbling hand up to my forehead again. The gauze really needed to be changed now, after my strenuous movements.

After a few more minutes of firing, Numbuh 4 finally said, "Okay... I think it's over."

I could hear Gina scream from the other side of the Outpost, "Is everyone alright?!"

Wallabee went outside to meet her. She and Nurse Lesley walked out into the yard, and all the other hidden soldiers followed suit. All in all, we had thirty dead, including Cynthia. Harlan was shocked into silence when he heard, then stormed out of the Outpost.

The wounded were ushered into the nurse's tent and Nurse Lesley tended to them while Baron Ambrosia saw to changing my own bandage. I tried to talk to him, but nothing I said made sense and it only made him cry. I felt to frustrated, so helpless. So tired.

Finally, Nurse Lesley joined us at my bedside, and started reading off the list of what was wrong with me. "Commander Walter," he said, scanning his clipboard, "I'm afraid you've suffered severe brain damage. You were shot in the head with a no. 4 caliber bullet, causing tremendous damage to your frontal lobe. I'm sure you've already noticed your impaired motor and language skills."

I nodded.

"Mm. There's a chance, though, that we can get you at least a little closer to normal with therapy. I'm going to have you on a schedule for weekly physical therapy and daily speech therapy, but for now, I only want you to rest." His expression became a little uncomfortable for a moment. "I'm not kidding, Commander, when I say I was certain we were going to have to pick out a pine box for you."

"We really didn't... we really didn't expect you to make it," Wallabee admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. "We got Fuzzy, though. Harlan shot him right in the gut. He didn't get away with what he'd done."

"We were so worried. You were out cold for hours," bribed Gina, hugging Flapjack close. He was looking at me sadly with tears in his eyes.

"Wind... this is all my fault!" he cried, shutting his eyes. "If I hadn't gone back to get my locket, you wouldn't have gotten hurt! I... I did this to you!"

He sobbed, but I made a small noise to get his attention. When he looked up, I shook my head. _You didn't do this. Don't blame yourself._

But unfortunately, that only made him cry harder.

Looking suddenly very tense, Nurse Lesley turned to my visitors. "Operatives, if you don't mind, there is something else I'd like to go over with the Commander... in private."

Wallabee looked like he understood, and turned to the others. "Alright, everyone, let's leave the nurse and Wind alone. We can see her later."

After Wallabee ushered everyone out, Nurse Lesley gave a long sigh. "Commander," he said, "I'm afraid I have rather large news for you." I looked at him, waiting to see what he would say. "I did an ultrasound on you to make sure there were no bullets lodged anywhere else, and during the scan... Commander, you are pregnant."

My breath caught in my throat, and my eyes widened. _Pregnant?_

"You're only a few weeks along, but... here," he said, and showed me the ultrasound picture. There, floating in the gray void of my experienced uterus, was a small black blob.

_Fock,_ I thought, racking my brain for what to do. _I can't be pregnant! I can hardly walk! I can't even talk! I'm supposed to be fighting aliens and tracking down a missing person! How on Earth am I going to care for a baby?!_

Nurse Lesley caught on to my anxiety and said, "Now calm down, Commander. I know this is a lot to take in, and you of course have options. If you decide to keep the baby, we'll do whatever we can to assist you. Do you know who the father is?"

The only person I'd been having sex with for the last few months was Lou - but then there was that one time with Murdoc onstage. But that was way longer than three weeks ago, so it had to be the Toiletnator's. I nodded. _Yes, I know._

"It's your man-friend who's been coming around all the time, right?" Nurse Lesley asked. I nodded again. "Alright. If you could give me permission to retrieve his address from your nanocom, I'll give him a call and ask him to come here so we can explain your situation and share the news with him, unless you have any objections."

I shook my head, and the nurse grabbed my nanocom from my box of personal effects. I was caught in a swirling torrent of confusion, pain, and joy knowing that we were going to be parents, but also the heavy knowledge that I wouldn't be capable of handling this all on my own. But at least I'd have Lou by my side...

* * *

For the next three months, I was in constant pain. If it wasn't physical, it was emotional.

My language skills weren't improving, no matter what. I still couldn't form basic syllables at will, and Nurse Lesley concluded that I would never speak properly again. To be able to communicate, I was taught sign language by a certified instructor of the K.N.D. who they had fly in from Downtown. My mother was unable to come and see me (partly due to caring for the baby but mostly because Kev wouldn't let her and wouldn't watch Wednesday for her), and I was in no shape to fly, so we had our visits over nanocom. Seeing my mother cry in agony over her daughter's condition, with no way to comfort her and no way for me to do the same, caused me no small amount of grief. Double-Double-U was able to come visit fairly regularly, and helped me to the best of his abilities. Most days, when he wasn't there, I'd just lie in bed and wait for my next session. It was better than stumbling around with crutches (admittedly a step up from the motorized Dexlabs-brand chair I'd originally been stuck in) and having everyone in the Outpost stare at me.

On top of that, Nurse Lesley had tried to contact Lou, but heard no response. No one at Camp Kidney had seen him, either. it was as if he just up and vanished. But he wouldn't have done that to me... right?

One day, while making my way back to my cabin, I overheard a conversation between Wallabee and Baron Ambrosia, about how I would be set to be honorably discharged from the Outpost - and by extension, the Dexlabs army - once I was well enough to go home. It was the worst day of my life. Everything I'd worked so hard for, was ripped from my hands in the span of milliseconds because of the actions of that obese pink freak. My life was ruined.

Upset, I went back to my cabin and poured a glass of wine. Courage sat in my blanketed lap and I petted him while I drowned my sorrows away. So this was how my time in the Wilds was going to end, huh? With me a shell of who I once was, and still no sign of Dexter?

... and no sign of my child's father, the one who said he loved me so much? Had... had he somehow learned of the pregnancy and skipped town? Or was it due to my injuries?

I squeezed down on the glass, cracking it under my fingers. That's what it was, I knew it. I was damaged and he didn't want a damaged girlfriend. And he knew I wouldn't be able to completely care for our child, and didn't want to waste his time parenting. So he'd abandoned me. Abandoned us.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, throwing the glass against a wall and it shattered into a million pieces, like my soul. Then, I started crying.


	61. Call to Action

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huh anyone else remember Jim Cantore it's been ages since I watched The Weather Channel huh
> 
> but also YAY I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG TO FINALLY GET TO THIS PART! well the really beefy stuff is in the next chapter but this one gets the ball rolling. Hope you enjoy and take care! c:

CHAPTER 59: CALL TO ACTION

In a flurry of water-splashing and lid-slamming, a man wearing only a stained pair of briefs ran into the K.N.D. Jungle Outpost in a frenzy of fear and desperation.

His name? Lou Pottington III.

All the operatives immediately recognized him, and glared at him as he ran around, looking for someone and calling her name.

"Wind! Wind!" he shouted, before running up to the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. pilot and shaking him. "Have you seen my Wind?! I need to talk to her about something urgent!"

"Piss off, asshole," the pilot snapped, slapping Lou away. "She doesn't want anything to do with you after you abandoned her like a sack of rotten potatoes!"

"Aban... what?" Lou said. "I've been held captive by an insane cult for three months! I wasn't even able to escape with the clothes on my back, all I have left is my helmet and tightie-not-so-whities!"

"Whatever, you piece of shit," the pilot said, crossing his arms and turning away, "I'm done talking to you."

" _Ugh,_ " Lou sighed, then turned around and ran to the cabins. Which one was Wind's again? His memory was fuzzy from months of torture, but if he tried each one he had to find her at some point.

Meanwhile I was watching a live news feed of a highly dangerous area in the northwest, known as the Precipice. It was part of a larger section now known as the Darklands, where the fusion infection was spreading at an alarming rate and the Earth was rapidly getting eaten away.

"And so, as you can see, we've got dozens, if not hundreds, of terrafusers forming on the ground, "said Jim Cantore, as dramatic as ever, but at least this actually deserved the energy rather than a light drizzle in New Jersey. "And as time goes on, they're gonna get bigger, and bigger, and explode, sending fusion spwawns everywhere it's gonna be really disgusting, like a hemorrhoid juicy enough to pop, don't pop hemorrhoids people, but the worst thing is that we don't have enough soldiers or enough time to gather them all up before that happens. So I think it's safe to say," he said, straightening up and looking at the camera, "the Earth is **doomed.** "

Just then the screen changed to one saying "WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFUCLTIES, PLEASE STAND BY" with a picture of Jonny 2x4 with a toothbrush stuck up his rear end. I sighed. I remembered hearing that Johnny had pursued a career in porn after graduating high school and that his photos were licensed for use in all sorts of things. It seemed even the news was perverted enough to use his prints.

Then I heard a loud banging at my door. Unable to answer vocally, I turned to face the sound, and heard a familiar voice.

" _Wind!_ " cried the voice of... my ex-lover? "Wind, please, let me in! Something awful is going to happen at midnight, and we need to stop it!"

Trembling, I limped to the door to see if my suspicions were true. Sure enough, when I opened it, there was Lou on the doorstep - wearing yellowed underwear that looked like they had dried chocolate pudding on them, but you and I both know that was not chocolate pudding. Mmm... pudding.

"Wind!" Lou cried, and threw his arms around me. Boy did he reek. "Oh, Wind, I'm so happy you're safe. I fought so hard to escape to get back to you-"

Using every ounce of strength I had, I pushed him offa me. He looked at me, bewildered. "W... Wind? What's wrong?"

Baring my teeth, I signed what was on my mind. "YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU LEFT ME HERE ALONE FOR THREE MONTHS, I'VE GONE THROUGH HELL BOTH WITH LEARNING TO WALK AND THE MORNING SICKNESS AND WHERE EXACTLY WERE YOU?!"

"Wind?" he asked, concerned, "W-Why are you using sign language?"

Furious, I screamed as I lunged for him, hitting him in the chest. "YOU KNOW WHY I CAN'T SPEAK! NURSE LESLEY TOLD YOU I WAS IN AN ACCIDENT, AND YOU NEVER CAME TO CHECK ON ME!"

"Wind," he said gently, holding up his hands to preotect his face, "I... I can't understand what you're trying to say. Please... can you write it down instead?"

Fuming, I slapped him across the face. My motor skills were improving, but I still wasn't to the point where I could write anything. Just in time, Wallabee walked in the doorway.

"Wind, is everything alright? I heard a struggle - _oh._ " Lou turned around to face Wallabee, who glared at him. "The deadbeat returns. What do you want, Lou?"

"W-Wallabee?" Lou asked, worried, also he was rubbing his cheek it stung hm. "I don't understand... why is Wind using sign language? What happened?!"

"Where have you been?" Wallabee asked, shaking his head.

"In the hands of a volcano god cult, being tortured to within an inch of my life, and sanity!" Lou argued. "I managed to escape, and came right here to tell Wind what I learned!"

"I DON'T CARE!" I signed angrily.

"What?" asked Lou.

"She said she doesn't care," Wallabee said, folding his arms. "And frankly, I don't blame her. How do we know you're telling the truth?"

"Maybe because of the _burn scars all across my body?!_ " Lou said, gesturing to the shiny welts all over him, before turning back to me. "Wind, please, tell me what happened. Please... what happened to you?"

I looked away, trying to hold back the tears, but looked briefly at Wallabee. He got the hint, and explained everything to Lou.

Over the next several minutes, Lou's face turned into one of shock and horror, and heartbreak. When Wallabee finally added that I was pregnant with his child, Lou reached out to try and hug me.

"Wind, I'm so-" he said, but I pulled away. He retracted his arm.

"Just go," I signed, limping to the back of my cabin.

"She says you need to go," Wallabee said, and stepped to the side of the door. "Come on, if you give me the name and location of this cult, the Kids Next Door can go after them."

"But... just wait a minute, please," Lou begged. "Wind needs to know about them especially. They've got Sir Finster."

I stiffened. Wallabee asked, "You're sure?"

"100%," Lou said. "I saw him, he was in the cage next to mine. They're planning on sacrificing him to their god on the first full moon of August - which is _tonight._ "

"Where's the sacrifice taking place?" asked Wallabee.

"Monkey Mountain, on the volcano. At midnight."

"Do you know why?"

"This cult thinks that, if they sacrifice him, they can appeal to their god to stop the Fusion invasion."

"That's... madness," Wallabee said, bringing his hand to his forehead.

"Yes, which is why we need to stop them immediately! We have to get a team out there, and try to save Sir Finster before they kill him!"

"I'll round up some operatives and prepare to take them to the volcano," said Wallabee. "In the meantime, Lou, come with me - I'll give you a card with basic sign language on it, so you can start learning to speak with Wind again. Her tutor dropped them off for the Outpost."

"Thank you, Wallabe,," said Lou, and was folowing him out the door when he stopped and turned around to look at Wind one last time. she was standing in the croern with her arms crossed, it broke his heart but if she needed space he would give it to her. He just hoped he would be able to help her in some way, in any way she needed. And also help their tiny baby fetus.

I was angry that I couldn't go after Dexter myself, since that was why I came here in the first place, but all that really mattered was him getting saved. Flap would want to know that Sir Dexter was going to be safe and sound soon, so I left my cabin and made my way over to Wallabee's to speak with the tyke.

I knocked on the door, but realized that it was slightly ajar. Curious, and also slightly worried that Fusion Numbuh 3 was back, I stepped inside.

The place was trashed. Wallabee's and Flap's beds were overturned, sheets everywhere, the kitchen cabinets were all open and utensils and other foodware were thrown all over the place. This was definitely the scene of a struggle.

And, as if that wasn't concerning enough, there was an insignia spray-painted on the bedroom wall: one of the letter G, up in flames.

I got the attention of Wallabee and the others, and they came in to investigate. Wallabee said he'd last been to his cabin an hour ago, so it was recent. Upon seeing the insignia on the wall, Lou screamed and said that it was the logo of the cult he excaped from.

_They have Flap?!_ I signed, starting to panic, when I noticed a shine from the shag carpeting in the bedroom. It was Flap's locket.

It was open, and I picked it up. He'd never gotten the chance to actually show me the photo in the locket, but examining it now revealed that it was of Flap and his obese whale friend, Buppy, when Flap was just a baby.

_He looks so happy,_ I thought, and worried even more for my little friend. Then I saw that the bottom of the photo was slightly creased, so I gently peeled it away to reveal another photo.

A photo containing people I recognized.

I gasped and screamed, and everyone came over to see what I'd revealed. It was my family portrait from when I was nine years old, shortly after my baby brother was born.

Everything started falling into place. My brother was lost at sea, and Flapjack came from a dock town in the middle of the ocean. His estimated age matched up. Heck, he even had light blonde hair, the same shade as my mom's, and the exact same color of eyes too. _Flapjack... was my little brother._

"THEY'VE GOT MY BABY BROTHER!" I signed, while screaming, I was so scared. Walabee tried to calm me down but I was too upset, and hurried outside to cry.

Soon, I heard footsteps approaching. "Wind?" asked a gentle voice.

I looked up, it was Lou. "Flapjack is my brother," I signed, slow enough for him to reference his new sign card as I communicated.

"... are you sure?" he asked. I nodded. "Wind, I... I'm so sorry."

"We have to go after him!" I urged. "He's just a kid, he can't defend himself!"

"But Wind," Lou said, "you're still very weak, not to mention pregnant. It's okay, the operatives and I will-"

"I'm going after him!" I insisted. "I can't just leave his rescue to the others - he's _my_ brother, I have to save him!"

"Wind-"

"You can either help me, or stay out of my way," I signed, and turned around to grab my gun from my cabin.

As I walked away, he said, "Wait," and I turned back around. "I... I can't let you go alone. I'll go with you."

I nodded. "Thanks."


	62. Fireheart Fornicano

CHAPTER 60: FIREHEART FORNICANO

Lou threw on some of the clothes he left at my cabin and rented a hovercar, then we were off to Monkey Mountain. The ride was quiet and tense for a while, until he finally broke the silence.

"So... how far along are you?"

"Three months," I signed.

He swallowed. "Wind, I... I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. It's all my fault I got captured, I was snooping around where I shouldn't have been-"

"It's not your fault," I cut in. "And... I'm sorry I took it out on you. We've both been through hell the last few months. We need to stay strong and help each other through it."

He nodded. "Wind... if you still want me... I will be right by your side, for you and the baby."

I smiled, but also started crying. "Please don't leave me again."

Lou pulled over and gave me a hug, then we started snogging passionately. He groped my breasts, they'd swollen up a lil now that I was pregnant, and he had been caged like animal for three months so dang he was horny. I hadn't been in the sack with anyone in that timespan either so I was ready to rip his clothes off by now. We jumped into the backseat because Lou tried to get into action in the front seat and wound up getting the gearshift sent up his rump roast so that wasn't going to work hm. He tore off my skirt like it was made of tissue paper and shredded my underpants (thong variety) like they were made of cotton candy (which is to say, he ate them off). I tugged his pants down and since he'd gone commando after throwing his putrid poopshield into the laundry, so I didn't have any more layers of clothing to rip through to get to his blood-filled wonder wand of love and joy.

"Ungh, yes, Lou, give it to me!" I signed my hands were shaking with excitement. "Enter my watery steam room of affection and magic!"

"You got it, Wind," he said, and gave me a deep kiss as he rammed his brush into my bowl.

We howled and clawed at each other like two rabid beasts, beasts not even of the same species, but were so horny and so desperate they didn't care they just had to relieve themselves. I started thinking about what I was going to make for dinner. Hot dogs sounded good but maybe that was due to suggestion. Nah, maybe I'd make some chili, my mom had a good recipe for five-alarm chili and it was delicious. But then if I had chili for dinner, what would I make for dessert? I needed something special since we were saving Dexter and Flap today so it had to be something nice. Well if I was having chili for dinner then something cold for dessert would be a good idea, maybe ice cream. Yeah, ice cream sounded good. I'm all for french vanilla so that sounded really good, and maybe Lou and I could watch a movie during dinner. I didn't think he'd watched The Nightmare Before Christmas yet so we could watch that and have lots of fun. Then after we could retire to my bedroom and make love. Maybe he would even like to try making love while watching the movie, unless that would say things about him I'd rather not know.

"YES, YES, **YES,** " I signed, then shredded the skin on his back as I hit clumax, he screamed, mostly in pain, but also slightly because he had climaxed as well.

"Oh, _Wind!_ " he cried.

Unfortunately I could feel our child crying in my uterus but it was alright, at least he or she would grow up knowing their parents loved each other. Lou fell off of me like a wet blanket and we slithered back into the front seats and continued through the drive through the Twisted Forest.

By the time we reached Monkey Mountain it was already 11:30 because we took too much time with sex, darn it! But we were running out of time, that's what was important. Lou parked the car at the base of the volcano and we started making our way up. I slipped in a few spots but he stayed behind me to catch me and keep me from falling.

At the top of the folcano, a dozen cultists were standing around, four of them were holding a stretcher on which Dexter was tied.

"Let me go at once!" he demandeded. "I am warning you, I am a guide, you are making a big mistake!"

"Unfortunately, we cannot allow you to leave, Finster. This world is being killed by Lord Fuse, and we mortals are not strong enough to save it. No, to save this planet, we must appeal to a higher power," said the cult leader, and he gestured into the volcano. "Through your sacrifice to the great Gwapanotka, we can end this devastation on our planet and finally live in peace."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Dexter into the night sky, afraid for his own life.

 _Not so fast,_ I thought angrily, and clawed my way to the top of the volcano before Lou could stop me.

"COMMANDER WILD WALTER OF THE DECXLABS ARMY, UNHAND MY GUIDE AT ONCE!" I signed, furious.

"WIND!" Dexter screamed, looking at me in disbelief that I'd actually found him.

Everyone gasped, then a cultist came up beside the cult leader smiled. "Ah, our other special guest has finally come to us." He pulled his hood back to reveal his shiny, bald head. The head of the mysterious bastard who had tried to kidnap me twice. "Seize her."

Before I could do anything, I was immediately apprehended and restrained by one of the cultists, as was Lou, since he was scrawny and had no muscles save for the ones in his weiner by now (but that was only because I'd been working him like a beef creature since we started dating)

I wriggled in the cultist's grasp but all he did was rasp seductively into my ear, "Settle down, pet. Don't want to bruise your pretty skin."

I froze, and felt chills down my body, from my neck, to my arms, and down my torso. I knew that voice. Turning my head around thanks to my owl genes, my suspicions were confirmed. It was Murdoc.

"Me-mu?!" came the shocked gibberish from my mouth.

"You shouldn't be surprised, Wind," he said. "I told you I worshiped Gwapanotka."

"I believe the Commander doesn't understand what she's doing here," said the leader. "Murdoc, it seems you have some history with her? Please, explain to her."

While a few of the other cultists threw glazed buns and rolls into the volcano as extra offerings, Murdoc brought me up to speed on what the fock was going on here. "Remember when I said Gwapanotka was the god of, among other things, planet creation?" Murdoc asked me. "That also concerns planet _destruction._

"The Cult of Gwapanotka knows that Gwapanotka has deemed it time for Earth to be destroyed, hence why he has brought Planet Fusion to us to digest our planet. And so, to sway his mind, we have prepared a dual sacrifice for him: one of Earth's greatest minds and leading forces against Planet Fusion's attack, and one of Earth's strongest and most fearless warriors... _you._ "

The blood drained from my face, and I watched a cinnamon bun burn up in the volcano. The leader noticed my expression. "Though, she doesn't seem to be very strong right now. I was expecting a dramatic volcano battle to get her under control."

"Hm, yes, you're right," Murdoc said, and prodded at my sides unsolicited. "Actually, she seems a tad thicker in the middle than when I saw her last... **wait a minute.** " Still without asking for permission he reached around to feel my almost-swollen uterus. " **... she's pregnant.** "

Dexter gasped, but Lou shouted, "You leave my girlfriend and our baby alone!"

" _Your_ baby?" Murdoc asked, "How do you know it's yours? I've lain with Wind in the past. Could be my sprog," he said, rubbing my swolen uterus WHAT THE FOCK

I tried to wrestle out of his grip but he didn't let go. Lou screamed, "Let go of her, you freak!"

The cult leader just laughed at the display and ignored Lou's pleas for help. And my wrestling I mean it was obvious I wanted to get out of here. "Well, Wind, let me just say how difficult it was to get you here. After you were too smart to accept my taxi ride I knew I had to get crafty, and soon. We left your lover's cage unlocked and pretended not to notice as he ran screaming and flailing his arms out of our camp, and we knew you would be coming here to exact revenge on us, as well as find your guide. I'm sorry to say it, Commander, but you walked right into our trap."

I shook my head violently. "I won't let you do this! I'm not jumping in there, and you won't throw Dexter in, either!"

Sudenly, the sound of several guns being cocked brought the leader's attention to the side of the volcano. The K.N.D. had arrived.

"I believe you have some friends of ours," said Wallabee, glaring at the leader.

"Hm," he said, raising a brow at the scene, "I figured you might try something like this. Which is why we brought a little... insurance."

From the back of the crowd, another cultist came forward, Flapjack firmly in his grasp. Everyone gasped. My brother was filthy, and there was a large bruise on his cheek. " _Wind!_ " he cried, he was so scared.

 _Wade!_ I thought, trying to escape Murdoc's hold and save my brother, but it was no use.

"Commander, there is nothing saying that you can make _too many_ sacrifices to Gwapanotka," said the leader, gesturing to my little brother. "If you refuse to cooperate, we will throw your young friend into Monkey Summit. I don't think your armed friends here will be fast enough to stop _that._ "

" _No!_ " Flap cried, scared. Tears streamed down his cheeks.

I looked from Flap, to the volcano, and back again, and was about to say something when

"Grand Poopbaa... sir…" said the cultist holding flap, on closer inspection I saw that it was the teenager I saw him talking to in the Monkey Foothills all those months ago, when I was with the Scotsman. "Are... are you sure about this? Throwing a _kid_ in..."

"Do you have a problem with that, yellow-hood?" asked the "Grand Poopbaa."

"Well... it's just that-"

"Oh, _give him to me!_ " the Poopbaa snapped, yanking Flap out of the teenager's arms. Flap screamed, fearing the worst, but he wasn't the one about to be killed: the Grand Poopbaa grabbed a fistful of the teenager's cloak and swung him over the edge and into the molten lava.

"OH MY LORD!" cried Lou, watching the boy scream for the thirty feet or so before he hit the lava and was _immediately_ incinerated disintegrated.

The Grand Poopbaa turned to face us, nearly strangling Flap in the process, and screamed, "WHO WANTS TO GO NEXT?!"

I was shaking, I couldn't let Flap suffer the same fate. He was my little brother. I would do anything for him... but what about Lou's and my baby? I couldn't throw their life away either! What was I going to do?!

"... Grand Poopbaa," Murdoc spoke up suddenly.

"What is it, Murdoc?" he asked.

"... I can't let this happen, either." He looked down at me. "She's pregnant... and it might be mine. Well, it might be many different blokes', 'cause she sleeps around like a bloody whore, but there's still a chance it's mine."

"You can't be serious," the leader said.

"I am." Murdoc said defiantly. "You're not tossing her in."

"I AM GOING TO SHOVE THIS KID UP YOUR ASS-" shouted the Poopbaa, until a loud BANG rang through the air and his expression fell.

Wallabee had shot him in the head.

Flapjack ran out of the Grand Poopbaa's limp and lifeless arms and over to me, Murdoc let me go so I could hug him tightly, shutting my eyes. I opened my eyes to watch the Grand Fecesbaa's body topple over and fall into the volcano, joining the still-writhing skeleton of the teenage cultist he'd thrown in.

"Good shot, gov," said Murdoc, smiling at Wallabee, "was waitin' for you to catch on."

Numbuh 4 rolled his eyes, and the operatives then aimed their weapons at the rest of the cultists. "Alright, mates. You want to join your leader? If not, we'd better see those hands."

Immediately, they complied, and the four holding Dexter's stretcher set him down. Lou and Wallabee ran to him and untied him. Once freed, Dexter shot up and shoved himself off the stretcher, shaking.

"Th-thank you," he said, "but next time... t-try and get here sooner?" He thus fainted, but Wallabee caught him so he didn't fall into the lava and make this whole trip for nothing.

I walked over to him, Flap was still clinging to me like a clingy child (which he was). Dexter weakly raised his head to smile at me. "You... you found me."

I smiled, and signed, "Of course I did."

"I can't wait to hear more... about your baby..." he said, then drifted off to happy-place-land completely.

We arrested all the cultists, brought them to the Outpost for questioning hm. Dexter was brought to the nurse's tent where he received a check-up from Nurse Lesley and had a nice, quiet place to rest. He was malnourished and his muscles were slightly strophied from being kept in a cage most of the time, but Nurse Lesley said he expected him to make a full recovery.

In return for helping us take out the cult leader, Murdoc was let off the hook for the events in the Cult of Gwapanotka. He apologized for the emotional trauma caused to Flap and even gave him one of those bigass lollipops, the ones that are gigantic and swirled around on a tree branch and you never actually finish them, you can just enjoy it as much as you can before it gets so much dust and hair on it you can't lick through it anymore. He also apologized to me, but I think that's because he is convinced the baby is his and wants visitation. I told him to f off but he'll be back, I know it.

I called my mom and told her that I had great news for her, she asked if it was about Dexter, and I said yes... but there was more to it. I said we'd be coming over to Genius Grove the next day to tell her all about it and she was very excited, until Kevin walked in and took the phone from her, and after seeing that it was me he hung up (after calling me a dirty bitch).

Lou stayed with me that night, as did Flap but he stayed on the couch while Lou was in my bed. We made passionate reunited love, did it so much my clam got stuck in the open position and his meatmop was hanging on by a thread. We decided to call it a night and cuddled each other tightly, so happy to be back together. Lou was determined to help me live my best life, and I was starting to think he really should be with me for the rest of mine. Mrs. Wind Pottington... it didn't sound half bad.

And we could make Murdoc the Best Man to mess with him even more.

Before I went to bed, though, I went to the nurse's tent to see Dexter. He was fast asleep, which was probably a good thing. He looked so frail and tiny. I cried over his bed, upset that I hadn't found him sooner. He was my ex, and my friend, and I'd tried so hard... but apparently not hard enough. How much had Dexter suffered due to my incompetence? Would I ever be able to make it up to him?

At least he was safe now. And I'd do whatever I could to keep him that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lollipop like the one Murdoc gives Flapjack/Wade when I was about his age (Flapjack/Wade's, not Murdoc's, I'm not that old yet huh), and while it was delicious, everything got stuck to it and I do mean EVERYTHING. Do any of you remember that episode of Spongebob where Spongebob and Patrick are eating those ginormous lillipops? And Patrick's got stuck to Mr. Krabs' tightie-whities? WELL THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, because I forgot to take it out of my back pocket and threw my pants into the wash (cold wash so it didn't melt) and when my mom got hold of them whew there was a pair of knickers stuck to em, thankfully they were just mine so it wasn't too gross but she urged me to throw it away already but I just lied to her and said I did... truthfully I continued to eat at that sucker (literally) half because it just tasted so good and half because I wanted to get my underpants unstuck I wasn't eating it I'd keep it in my dresser and that just got it stuck to more clothes, then it became summer and you can imagine what happened next... worst part was that was THE ONE AND ONLY SUMMER our air conditioning unit in that house went haywire and the hole place was sweltering, melted all over my clothes and ruined one of my favorite shirts (white and dressy, thin material, absolutely destroyed it, couldn't get the candy off without ripping the poor thing) my mom was so pissed and well let's just say I learned my lesson hm. Now I'm an adult and buy my own clothes so I should really get another one of those lollipops for myself one of these days and actually finish it hm. No one can tell me what to do anymore so suck it you old cow!
> 
> okay that was probably rude but she's said worse to me, good grief I really do need therapy. Just never mind me. Hope you're all having a wonderful day/noon/night. c:


	63. Prodigal Son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly can't say why I hated Kevin so much when I wrote this. I watched the original Ben 10 where he was a bratty kid and saw him in FF obviously, but never actually watched Alien Force/Ultimate Alien to see that while he was still kind of a jerk, he wasn't an evil villain or anything like I thought he'd grown up to be. Though wasn't there some future episode where he was one? Ach it's been years since I watched the show. Hope you enjoy! c:

CHAPTER 61: PRODIGAL SON

The next morning, Lou, Wade, Ben, and I made our way to Genius Grove to reunite my little brother with the rest of the family. He was very excited to see Mom again, and I was happy to finally get out of the Outpost for a little while. And to have my brother back.

The train smelled of boiled chicken, but soon we were home and Lou knocked on the front door. After half an hour Mom came tot he door.

"Good afternoon, Wind!" Mom said happily. "How areyou doing?"

I signed that I was fine, but Mom immediately burst into tears. "Oh no, I forgot you can't speak anymore! My poor baby!"

_Fock you, Mom,_ I thought, just because I couldn't speak didn't mean I was helpless bimbo jerk.

"Oh, but who's this little one you brought? You didn't tell me you had your baby already," Mom said looking at Wade.

"Wind's only three months pregnant," Lou said, confused?

"Oh, right! I guess it would be a little early for your baby to be walking around. What's your name, poopie?"

"It's me, Mama!" Wade creid. "Wade! Your long-lost son!"

"B... baby?!" Mom said, shocked and startled and happy and thinking is it too good to be true? And she reached out to hug him WHEN-

"Theresa, that little shit doesn't even look like you," said Kevin, sliding out of the darkness! "Wind just brought him here to mess with your feelings, since she's a cruel bitch."

Mom froze, and took another look at Wade. His features were just like hers and his head was round and balloon-like like dads there was no way he wasn't their kid. But Mom still backed up, folded her arms and turned away.

"I'm sorry Wind, but I refuse to believe your little brother actually survived that night. That's a very cute little boy you've found, but he's definitely not my offspring."

"But Mama!" Flapjack begged

"No more of this," Mom said, rasiign her hand and going back inside. "Come in, but we're not speaking of this ever again."

We wiped our feet and came inside, Kev got defensive and chucked a glass of fruit punch at me. Lou held up his toilet lid shield and defended my honor, but Mom just snapped that she didn't want to hear any bickering okay?! Tooting in frustrarion, I led us into the living room where we sat down to chat.

"I heard Dexter is back, safe and sound," Mom said happily, pointing to the TV on the news which said, "SIR FINSTER: SAFE AND SOUND!" "How did you find him, Wind?!"

"Lou was really the one who found him," I signed, smiling at my boyfriend. "Without him, we never would've found Dexter _or_ Wade."

"Oh? And how did you find _Dexter only,_ Lou?" Mom asked, grunting the part in italics hoo boy she really wasn't accepting this.

"Well, the volcano cult kidnapped me and let me go and that's how I found out," Lou said, slightly scared by my mom's conduct jeez. "Their leader sure was crafty."

"Who was the leader?"

"We didn't find out until after the autopsy, since he was wearing a hood the whole time," Lou explained, "but we found out later that it was some old guy named Fred Flintstone."

"He left a wife, daughter, dog dinosaur, two neighbor friends, son-in-law, and two grandchildren behind," I signed sadly. "And yet with all those people who cared about him, he went off to become a volcano god cultist."

Truly, though, the saddest part of that was how his dinosaur dog would never understand where his owner went, because he's a dog, and a dinosaur so that's even worse for the IQ, and would keep sitting by the door, crying and waiting for his woner to come home, but he never would.

"Yes, that is tragic," said Mom. "Anyway, Wind, I have wonderful news to share with you and Lou," Mom said suddenly excited, then realized Kevin wasn't sitting next to her. "Uh, Levin? Could you come in here, darling?"

"PISS OFF" Kevin retorted standing in front of the fridge and stuffing his face full of oatmeal cream pies!

"KEVIN YOU SHIT-EATING BASTARD, YOU TALK TO MY MOTHER LIKE THAT ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL GRAB MY LOVER'S TOILET PLUNGER, RAM IT UP YOUR REAR END AND USE IT TO THROW YOU OUT THE FRONT DOOR!" I signed, Lou knew what I said and covered Flap's eyes so he couldn't see, and Mom didn't speak enough sign language yet to know so she had no idea what I said wasn't proper.

Finally Kevin walked over, letting out a loud inhuman belch. "We got any more pomegranate juice, babe?"

"Wind," Mom said, hugging Kevin to her even though he just looked like he didn't care, "as you know, Kevin's and my relationship has really taken off since our sentences ended, and now... I want you to know that we're getting married!"

I spat out the fruit punch I'd been drinking. "M-M-M-MARRIED?!" (my hands were shaking)

"That's right!" Mom said cheerful despite the fact that she was destroying my life. Not as badly as my injury but still this was pretty bad. "I proposed to Kevin at Friednly's last night, and he said "Does this mean we can share a bank account?""

"NO MMO NO!" I signed rapidly, screaming. Marriage was bad enough, getting a joint bank account was even worse.

"So I said yes, and he accepted! We're getting married next week!" Mom said flashing the rock on her finger. "I bought the wedding rings. Show them yours, dear."

Growling in annoyance, Kevin showed off his with an equally-big diamond. "Mom why would you waste money on diamonds for this piece of trash," I asked.

"I'm not sure what you just caled him," said Mom but Kevin did 'cause hoo he was glaring at me now, "but they're not actually diamonds! They were made by an old dealer friend of mine. They're made out of crystal meth."

" **Oh.** "

"Be right back, Theresa," Kev said and walked to the hallway, but he was still glaring at me. "I've gotta go lay some cable."

"Alright, don't hurt yourself pumpkin!" Mom said, waving, before sighing contentedly. "I'm so happy he's going to be your stepfather, Wind."

"MOM, HE IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF TRASH I'VE EVER MET, AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING CONSIDERING I USED TO WORK FOR WHITE KNIGHT!" I signed angrily.

"How could you say that Wind?!" Mom gasped, bringing her hand to her mouth in shock and hurt. "He's the man of my dreams!"

"YOU SAID THE SAME THING ABOUT DEMONGO, AND LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT!"

"That's it, Wind!" Mom said, shooting up from her seat and pointing at me. "You may be my daughter, but you have no right to enter my house and judge my loved one so cruelly! Get out!"

"MY PLEASURE!" I signed, and grabbed Lou's hand. "COME ON, LOU! GRAB FLAPJACK TOO!"

"okay" said Lou (he was intimidated) and he took Flap's hand as we left.

As I stood in the doorway, I turned to Mom and signed, "AND BY THE WAY, HIS NAME _IS_ WADE!" before slamming the door shut. Mom pulled on her hair and screamed.

I stomped over to the car, Lou was getting Flap buckled in what a nice pseudo-brother-in-law. "Fockin' Mom, drugged-out hippie, can't even see she's dating a worthless womanizing STD mobile."

"Don't get yourself worked up about it, Wind," Lou said, shutting the car door. "You've made it clear how you distrust Kevin loads of times. If she still isn't listening to you, you can't force her. I'm sorry."

He gave me a hug. Then that fruit punch started working it's magic and I pulled away and signed, "Uh, just a sec, I'm gonna use the bathroom before we leave."

"Okay, we'll be waiting in the car."

Of course, Mom had banned me from my own home so I couldn't go inside the house to take my whiz, so I went into the backyard and squatted over a bush. I sighed in orgasmic pleasure, but then was startled when a shadow fell over me.

"K... Kevin?" I asked, looking up at the towering figure standing in the sunlight. My eyes adjusted and I saw it was indeed Kevin, holding a length of cable.

"You won't be taking my cash cow from me that easy," he said, and looped the cable around my neck, drawing it tighter and tighter as I was dragged off the bush and into the grass. I clawed for the cable but it was no use, his grip was to strong and I was still weak. Spots started dancing in my eyes as my vision went black around the edges. My extremities went cold and numb. Before I lost consciousness, not only could I feel burning on my bum from the bush (drat it must've been poison ivy or something), but Kevin whispered one final farewell into my ear:

"Nighty-night, Commander. See you in hell."


	64. The Gloom I Endured

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was kind of all over the place so i decided to cut it into two chapters and name the second part after that game on the Cartoon Network site called "Meat the Mayor," which I think was named for the actual pilot for The Powerpuff Girls? Well anyway I hope you enjoy and are having a wonderful day! :D

CHAPTER 62: THE GLOOM I ENDURED

Even under the smarmy rain, a large procession of people gathered at Eternal Vistas for the funeral of Wind Walter.

The late warrior was walked to her final rest by Wallabee, Ben, Buttercup, and her older brother. Due to the circumstances of her passing, Wind was laid out in a glass coffin Padme Amidala style, with her nanocom resting on her chest. If you asked who Jar Jar would've been at the wedding, your answer would probably be Wind's mom.

Theresa Walter was crying badly as Professor Utonium performed the funeral, her heart shattered now that she'd had to bury not one, but two of her children. Flapjack tried to comfort her, but she pushed him away and screamed that he wasn't her son.

Four of Wind's favorite musicians, Murdoc, Cher Lloyd, Adam Young, and Adam Levine (though everyone called him "Adam 2" to avoid confusion with Adam Young) sang Rhinestone Eyes by the Goirllaz for the occasion, and they even started crying so hard the lyrics became unintelligible.

"Your love's like rhinestones, f-falling from the sky," they strained, before collapsing into tears. Even Dexter was so moved by the song that he took off his hat and held it to his chest, teats of his own bubbling to the surface of his eyelids.

Lou Pottington could barely hold himself together, wracked with grief that he'd not only lost the love of his life, but their unborn child too. He was trying to jump into the grave but Wallabee held him back and slapped him across the face, telling him he was causing a scene and disrespecting Wind's memory with his actions. Also he would've shattered her coffin if he fell on it. He understood and apologized.

Not two seconds after they patted down the dirt on her resting place and laid the final flowers down, Kevin said, "Alright, she's all buried? We're done here? Good. C'mon, Theresa. Let's get to the chapel."

"A... Alright, Kevin..." said his fiancee, who took one last look at her daughter's grave before being led out of the graveyard with almost everyone else, and climbed into a limo waiting by the gates to get ready for their wedding, which had been bumped to that very afternoon at Kevin's insistence.

Lou was the last one to leave Wind's graveside. Eyes wide and soulless, he traced his girlfriend's name on the headstone, his entire body numb. He'd lost her. He'd lost the love of his life. They weren't married, but he honestly felt like a widower. He wished he could've escaped Gwapantoka's cult sooner. He wished he could've protected her from Fuzzy. He wished they both could've been there to raise their child.

He had failed her. Failed the only one he'd ever loved. (that wasn't entirely true he had a girlfriend in high school but it didn't last not surprisingly *sad trombone noise*)

"Wind..." he rasped, his mouth dry and lips trembling, "I'm so sorry... please... forgive me!" Unable to hold it back, his shoulders once again began shaking as he fell into sobs.

* * *

All in all, I have to admit: I'd lived a pretty amazing life. I mean, what's not to love?

I was a commander in the army at 17, my salary finally paid off our house, I'd bedded most if not all of my colleagues, everything was pretty swell.

But still... my planet had been occupied by aliens twice during my lifetime, I lost my father in a horrifying way, and I'd also lost my unborn kid... yeah, maybe things weren't so hot. I also knew I was already dying from chlamydia, so I guess I should've been more prepared to die. My bad. It was sooner than I would've liked, but at least I died before witnessing a man give birth.

But... if I was dead... why was I still breathing? Why was I still _feeling?_

"Winifred." said a British voice across from me. "Winifred, open your eyes."

"Hm...?" I asked, then opened my eyes to comply with the voice since I feared a whooping. I was sitting at a small table with a tea set on it, floating through space. Across from me sat...

"Profsesor Paradox?" I asked, "What are you doing- W-WAIT WHAT THE FUCK HOW AM I TALKING?!"

"You're not actually in your own body, Wind," Professor Paradox said, pouring a cup of peppermint tea for himself, the cup of which he then garnished with a jelly bean "And please, refrain from using such language around me. It's revolting."

"Er, sorry," I said, honestly a little weirded out to hear my own voice again. "So, uh... what are we doing here? And why does it smell like dog fart?"

" _You_ smell like dog wind," he explained, "Courage was curled up in your lap for a good while before you were sealed up, crying like a dog who's lost his owner, he tooted sadly many times."

"Whoops, sorry."

"But, to answer your first question," Professor Paradox said, pouring tea into my cup as he smiled at me, "we are here because I just saved your life."

"Saved my life?" I asked, then rolled my eyes. "Sorry, Prof. You're a little late."

"I'm afraid I wasn't present when you were murdered," he explained, "but I _did_ manage to rescue your soul before it fell into... well..."

"What?" I asked, raising my brow. "Where was it headed?"

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked all uncomfortable. "Let's just... get to the business at hand..."

"I can probably guess what you were going to say, you know."

"The point is, we can't allow you to die just yet," he said quickly. "It isn't your time. You haven't defeated the Fusions yet."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Wind," he began, "when this war started, you were just an ordinary teenager working at a fast food joint. You never could've known what the future held for you and your friends and family. Yet, look at you now: a strong, fearless warrior."

"Who's also dead."

"You were the only one in a very long time to be as kind and respectful to me that day at the hospital. You are good of heart, and capable, and you have a great destiny, Commander," he said. "You alone can defeat Fuse and save the planet Earth, once and for all. We need you, Wind."

"What?!" I said. "What could I possibly do that the army couldn't? I'm just a half-wit girl! I still can't even tie my own shoelaces! Thank goodness for velcro!"

"The answer, Commander Walter," Professor paradox said, smiling as he lifted his teacup to his lips as the stars and clouds of space dust began swirling around us, "lies within your vagina."

"... WHAT THE F-" I screamed, but was cut off as suddenly, everything went bright white, and when my eyes adjusted, I found that I was in total darkness.

_Where am I...?_ I thought, and reached out to feel around, only for my hand to stop inches from my face. As I realized where I was, my stomach fell.

I'd been buried alive.

Or, well, I'd been buried _dead,_ but brought back to life. It still wasn't good.

_Shit, shit,_ _ **shit,**_ I thought, scrambling to think of something. Why didn't Professor Para-cock warn me I'd already been buried?! How long had I been dead?

Then, I found I'd been buried with my nanocom - it was laying on my chest, huh, didn't notice it at first. So I went clicking through it - yes, my last nanos were still inside. That was... disturbing... anyway, I summoned Nano Mandy

" **Madny,** " she said, cheerful as ever.

"Nano Mandy!" I signed, frantic, "You gotta help me - we've been buried alive! You gotta teleport us to the waypoint in-"

"Sorry, no can do," she said, examining her nails, "waypoint registries are cleared after leaving the Infected Zone. Tough shit."

I don't think I had to sign what I was thinking, as I simply flipped her the bird instead. She got REAL mad then and I had to quickly suck her back into her prison my nanocom before she could kill me again hm. Well, she was a bust, I don't know why I ever bothered with her. But, if recall wasn't going to help, there was only one thing I could do.

"Tee hee hee!" tinkled the laughter of Nano Bubbles, bouncing around after she was let out of my nanocom. Upon seeing I was alive, she started crying. At first I thought it was because she was disappointed but she said "Wind! I was so worried! I thought you were dead!"

"I was dead," I signed, "but Prof Poopcake brought me back to life - but didn't tell me we were stuck in a coffin! I need your help - blast the lid off this thing!"

"Can do!" she cheered, before facing the lid, her eyes beginning to glow red. " _Laser vision!_ "


	65. Meat the Team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh dear i didn't see we're finally past the 100,000 words mark holy moly it's only going to get bigger guys

CHAPTER 63: MEAT THE TEAM

A burst of searing-hot light burst through the ground at Wind's grave, not three inches away from the grieving visitor who knelt in front of her headstone. Shocked into silence, he stopped crying to listen to the grunts and pants of a struggle come up through the hole in the ground, before two hands clawed their way out, followed by half of the grave's occupant, herself.

That occupant was me.

Nano Bubbles floated out of the hole and kissed my forehead. "I'll miss you!" she said, before disappearing back into my nanocom since she was out of stamina.

I smiled. _Not anymore,_ I thought. It was good to be back in my own skin.

"Wind?!" screamed the visitor at the end of my grave. I knew that voice. Looking up, I saw Demongo kneeling a few feet away from me, tears in his eyes and an expression of horror on his face. "They buried you alive?!"

"Not exactly," i signed, and he helped me out of the grave the rest of the way. Unfortunately my lower body had been ripped off as I worked my way out of the ground but he dove back in and brought it up for me.

"Thanks," I said, looking at my legs in my hands. "Well great, what do I do now?"

"Here, come with me," Demongo said, extending his hand. "I know someone who will be able to assist."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Why should I trust you? You ran on my Mom and left her to go through her pregnancy alone! Why on Earth were you even here grieving at my grave, anyway?"

"I know I have been a true bastard, Wind," he said, hanging his head in shame, "but I heard the most dreadful news and had to come back! Your mother, she is getting married to Kevin Levin!"

"I know!" I signed.

"And I know I walked out on her, but... I still care about her Wind, I really do! That is why I came back! I cannot allow that filthy ass to marry your mother! And I knew that you were the only person who could help - but when I contacted your brother, he told me you were dead!"

"I know!" I signed. "Kevin killed me!"

" _What?!_ " Demongo shrieked?!

"That STD-swamp strangled me with a coil of fuckin' cable in my own backyard! He wanted me to stay out of his courtship with my mother so she would stay with him and continue to support him!"

"We have to stop him, Wind!" Demongo cried, picking me up. "Come on, let us get your legs sewn back on and have you meet the rest of my team!"

"Team?" I asked, but he flew me out of the gravesyard and out to the street, where a freaken' monster truck with a bigass cab too big to house only car seats... what wonder lay inside its vaulted doors?

* * *

"... so... you ever snort coke?" Zim asked, exhaling a cloud of smoke. He was sitting on the backseat of the monster truck with a young woman with a brown bobcut as they toked up.

Suddenly the door was kicked open and Demongo stepped in, carrying another young woman who had been ripped in half. That young woman was me. Demongo was screaming so much he wasn't understandable.

"Zim!" I cried, shocked to see him! "You're alive!" Then my small intestine fell out of my body like a big dish of spaghetti. "Oh oops."

"What happened to her?!" the other woman screamed, putting out her joint and hurrying over to Demongo and me. "Here, bring her into the med bay."

It may just have been the blood loss, but something seemed strange about this woman. Her arms and legs were so gangly it was like she was half insect or something... she was hanging out with Zim sofor all I knew that could've been the case. But more than that, she somehow looked... familiar?

Demongo laid me on the table it was just like old times. He arranged my lower half under my upper one then the woman slapped him angrily and said he got it wrong, sure enough he saw my legs were backwards. He flipped them around and got vertything lined up good and proper this time.

"Alright, Wind," the woman said, threading a needle with surgical thread, but she wasn't holding them and seemed to be doing it _with the power of her mind,_ "I'm going to sew you back together, but first I've got to knock you out 'cause it's not going to be pretty. But first I need to know, are you pregnant?"

"Yes I am," I said, "I'm three months- WAIT A MINUTE WHERE IS MY BABY?!"

Looking down, everyone saw my stomach was as flat as a pancake (I'd worked off all the extra weight I had wen I worked at Burger Frenzy during my time in the war). My uterus was gone!

"Did it fall out somewhere?!" Demongo asked, looking around.

"Well, _you_ were the one carrying me, dumbass!" I snapped.

"Well, it was _your_ uterus, you shrew!" he retorted. "You did not feel anything?!"

"My body's been ripped in half! Kind of hard to feel anything right now!"

"Alright, enough bickering!" the woman snapped. "Demongo, go retrace your steps and look for Wind's uterus. Wind, I'm going to knock you out right now. Don't worry, by the time you wake up, you and your baby will be just fine."

Zim used a stepstool to observe from the other side of my bed. "She's probably going to die."

"Zim, keep your unhelpful opinions to yourself," the woman said she said it pretty plainly but I could tell she was mad at him.

"Wait," I signed, grasping her hand before she could plant the anesthesia mask on my face, she seemed kind of irritated I guessed it was because of Zim or, more likely she just wanted me unconscious already. "Please, before I go out, you... you look really familiar... what's your name?"

She looked a little surprised, then smiled. "I'm touched you remember me, Wind. We went to junior high school together." "It's me, Rachel."

* * *

When I woke up, my baby had been safely stitched back into my body, and my legs were reattached too, look at that. I was surrounded by the gang, Demongo was staring at me happily, Zim was just sort of waiting for me to be coherent and Rachel was checking my vitals.

"How are you feeling, Wind?" asked Demonko.

"... _like shit,_ " I signed. " _Shit, that has been strained through the tight and muggy gurglegup of an ogre._ "

" _Lovely,_ " Rachel said, rolling her eyes.

"What? What did she say?" asked Zim.

"You don't want to know."

"Well, now that you are awake," Demongo said, "let us get to the church! Your mother's wedding is likely happening _right now!_ "

" _Wait!_ " I signed, frustarted. "Before I help you at all, you need to tell me - why are you all together? Why do you have a high-tech monster truck? What the hell is happening here?!"

"Ah, yes, of course," Demongo said, and cleared his throat. "Well, after I skipped town, I wound up staying in the woods for a little while until the dust settled. While I was out there, though, I realized just how bad the invasion was getting. The fusions are actually mutating animals to help with their attack - the fiends! Bears, wild pigs, mice, even wolves - cousins of mankind's beloved dog - they are all being infected with fusion matter to aid the capture of our planet! Even with the massive army, it still was not enough to keep the onslaught at bay. That is when I knew I had to do something!"

Rachel began her part of the story. "Meanwhile, I was sent out into the Wilds by the Psychonauts to investigate-"

"You're with the _Psychonauts_ now?!" I asked.

" _Yes,_ " she answered, "I actually came into town for the late Agent Cruller's funeral. Seeing how many strange things have been happening around these parts, headquarters has kept me stationed out here as a field agent. So, when they received reports of a UFO flying over the Haunted Ridge, they sent me over to check it out."

"It was my voot cruiser," Zim chimed in. "I'd finally escaped the horrid prison that is Dexlabs and made it out to where I'd originally been kidnapped by that _t-t-tiiiny human worm._ Unfortunately, I wasn't able to completely leave the area because the fusion intruders kept shooting at me if I ever got too far, but I did manage to survey the area and make some interesting discoveries about their species. For instance, did you know that certain sub-species of fusion actually move in herds?"

"I did not know that" I said intrigued.

"Indeed! It is quite fascinating. Well, one day when I was out taking notes, I stopped for a sandwich and when I did, little-miss-telekinesis here aimed a gun at my head."

"I thought you were a fusion," Rachel defended. "And also, the gun was _in_ _my_ head."

"But, she soon saw I was no threat to her, _at least not immediately,_ and we got to talking and made some cookies together and then we heard the scream of a woman in heat."

"Wh-Wh-Wh-What?!" I signed?!

Rachel slapped her forehead. "That was not what it was at all."

"No, but he sure sounded like it," Zim replied.

"I was being mauled by a breaker bear," Demongo explained. "They found me and killed it, then held guns to my head."

"Soon, we realized the Haunted Ridge was only haunted by a bumbling demon with a high-pitched voice," Rachel said.

"And so, after I told them how I wanted so badly to help save the Earth, but wasn't sure how, we formed our own team: The Planetheads, dedicated to finding a way to strike at Fuse himself, and end this cosmic horror once and for all!" Demonog said triumphantly.

"The... Planetheads?" I asked.

"Oh, we also bonded over our shared fondness for pot," he said. "Potheads, Planetheads. Just swapped out the words."

"Oh."

"But Wind," Rachel said, "while we're talking about the team, there's something we need to ask you. You've garnered quite the reputation for your exploits in the war. We were wondering... if you might want to assist us for a mission we planned - with you specifically in mind."

"What kind of mission are we talking about here?"

"It would invol-"

"SWEET PUFFED PRETZELS," Demongo exclaimed, looking at the clock, "IT IS NEARLY 3 IN THE AFTERNOON! WE NEED TO GET TO THE CHURCH, NOW!" He scrambled into the dirver's seat, hiney cheeks facing us for a little bit (I realized now he wasn't wearing his cape) and bouncing around before being locked into the seat using special suction technology. "Wind, we will tell you everything later. Right now, we _must_ save your mother!" he said, flipping various switches on the ceiling. "I am coming, Theresa!"

He floored the gas, sending Rachel and Zim flying into the rear wall, I stayed put since I was strapped to the operating table. Well, at least I was alive. And The Planetheads' mission sounded interesting, whatever it was. Though one little thing was bugging me... did it have anything to do with what Professor Parwadox said in the void?

Well, I couldn't think about that now. We had a wedding to crash.


	66. Save Some Cake for Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this is not proper conduct for a church setting smh

CHAPTER 63: SAVE SOME CAKE FOR ME

In Pokey Oaks Church, everyone from the funeral was gathered, talking happily to try and forget 1. that they just buried a friend who was also pregnant and 2. that the deceased's mother was marrying the biggest scumbag any one of them had ever met.

Dexter, who had been told by Ben that while he was possessed he had fathered roughly 50 children (the number went up) was talking with his parents about the little baby girl whose birth caused her mother's clam to exploe, and how while Dexter knew he couldn't leave the baby all alone, he still wasn't sure he would be up to the task of parenting.

"Aw, son, don't be so hard on yourself," said his mom. "You're smart, you can figure it out."

"It's not that, mother," Dexter tried to explain, "my life is utter chaos right now. I've just learned I was possessed for months, and I have a mountain of work for the war effort I need to get done. I don't think I can add caring for a newborn to that list."

"It's okay, Decter. Maybe having a baby would be good for you," said his dad, taking his pipe out of his mouth who let him in with a pipe. "You know a lot of people who have led shoddy lives have had everything turn for the better after having a child. You should at least give it a try. And if you don't like it, there's always the orphanage."

Dexter blinked a few times as he made sure he heard his dad right. "I don't think that would be the kindest course of action, either."

"Speaking of babies, I heard one of Mojo Jojo's soldiers actually gave birth to _quadtuplets_ recently," Ben said.

Dexter immediately tensed, were these more of his?! Was the Mom dead?! Did this mean he had _more_ offspring to take care of?! His dad whistled in surprise. "Quadtuplets, eh? How'd she manage that?"

"It was probably in-vitro. She was pretty badly injured from the ordeal, but she's recovering and her boyfriend has been helping her care for the babies," Ben explained and Dexter immediately relaxed.

"Well, at least her man's a decent guy," said Juniper Lee. " _Unlike today's groom._ "

"Now, Juniper, that's not a nice thing to say," Mrs. Finster said, before adding, "even though it... _is_ true... but it's his wedding, so we should be civil."

June was about to snap at her that she was a freaken' adult and could say what she pleased but Dexter stopped her and instead said, "I honestly wonder what Mrs. Walter sees in Kevin. What could be so alluring that she would actually _marry_ him?"

"Boppidy boobidy bick, she likes him for the size of his-" Ben was interrupted when duddenly, the church bells began ringing. The wedding was upon them.

Everyone hurried to the pwews. The church doors were thrown open and there stood Mrs. Walter, in the exact same wedding dress she'd worn in the early 90s yeesh... that was creepy... Professor Utonium was walking her down the aisle since they were now pretty good friends after her daughter found his. They approached the altar where Kevin, who was wearing a tux that normally would've been fancy but his was stained with grease from the garage where he worked because he didn't care if he got dirty on his freaken' wedding day as well as yellow mustard dots from the sandwich he'd eaten before the ceremony so he just looked like an uncouth wreck. Yet Theresa was still smiling as she walked up to him. Professor Utonum glared at him though and Kevin made a mental note to kill him later and stage it as an accident.

Grandpa Max who was performing the ceremony just got the sense that Kevin was planning to murder the good Professor and got really nervous this moinster had to be stopped. But if he gave away that he knew of Kevin's plan Kevoin would probably murder him and his family too. So he had to keep quiet and tell the Plumbers as soon as he had the chance.

"U-Uh um, dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the holy matrimony of Theresa Walter and Kevin Levin," he said, he was shaking the whole time that's how scared he was. And this was _Grandpa Max_ we're talking about. "Although Theresa's daughter Wind just died yesterday, _and might I add under suspicious circumstances,_ she's still marrying the man her daughter was so vehemently against her pursuing a relationship with. But obviously her daughter's opinion doesn't matter, now, does it, Theresa?"

Theresa looked a little startled, and honestly wasn't sure what to say, but that was okay, Grandpa Max wasn't actually expecting her to answer anyway. "Now then," he continued, "do you, Theresa, take Kevin to be your awfully-wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness, and in health, forsaking all others who have your best interests at heart, as long as you both shall live?"

It took her a moment to respond, but she indeed said "I do!"

"You poor fool," Grandpa Max muttered, then turned to Kevin. "And Kevin, do you take Theresa to be your lawfully-wedded wife, to have, and to hold, to **love and to cherish,** in sickness, **and in health,** forsaking all others (even though it might be better for her) as long as you both shall live?"

"I am going to unwrap you like an unfrosted Twinkie," Kevin growled lustily at Theresa. "Unfrosted, because we haven't had-"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Lou screamed, trying to jump out of the pew to destroy Kevin once and for all, but Wallabee held him back before he could do anything he'd regret.

" _Charming,_ " said Granpa Max, glaring sideways at Kevin, "now, if there is anyone here who objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace?"

"no" Lou cried, but it was mostly just a leftover from his outburst. He was crying badly again. This was the one thing, of many, that she would have never, ever wanted.

"Anyone?" Grandpa Max said. "Anyone at all? Don't be shy. Speak up. We want to hear your opinion."

Everyone in the church was silent (save for Lou) out of pure fear of what Kevin would do if any of them objected.

When no one spoke up, Grandpa Max's face fell, but Kevin whispered to him, "Better get moving, old man. Don't want to have an _unfortunate accident like our beloved Wind, do we?_ "

Grandpa Max swallowed, scared. "Uh... okay. By the power vested in me," he said, saying it slowly just in case someone would be brave enough to stop this madness, "I now pronounce you... _man and wife._ "

Before he could even tell Kevin that he could kiss the bride, he grabbed Theresa and snogged her right there, in front of everyone, children began crying, people screamed, Lou broke down and sobbed violently and all Wallabee could do was pat his back as Ben offered him tissues.

Then, suddenly, the church doors were thrown open again, and everyone was blinded by the bright sunlight. When their eyes adjusted, they saw Demongo standing in the doorway, accompanied by a female figure still too illuminated to recognize.

" _Theresa!_ " Demongo cried, and ran into the church. He immediately burst into flames, but the trooper continued down the aisle, falling a few times and crying out in pain but his heart urged him to go on. Theresa saw him fight to get to her despite his wounds, shocked at the display.

"Demongo?!" she said, as he finally reached the altar and collapsed at her feet.

" _Threesa, p-please,_ " he said, pushing himself up to stand on shaky legs, she held him steady even though he was burning her dress. " _I-I am *cough* so sorry I left you... what I did was *cough* selfish and cowardly, but I knew I could not *cough* let you marry this... this...!_ "

Grandpa Max lifted his brow at him, as if to remind Demongo that he was, in fact, still inside a church (as if his flesh burning off wasn't a reminder enough)

" _... extremely rude and diseased individual!_ " Demongo finished.

Theresa was about to say something when Kevin stepped in between them. "Well, you're too late, freak. Theresa's _mine_ now. You had your chance, and you ran away. Like a coward."

Demongo glared at him, breathing heavily. " _You dare call me a coward... at least I have never killed a girl to keep her from ruining my plans!_ "

Everyone in the church gasped, and Kevin looked a little taken aback, but kept up his tough exterior. Theresa asked, "K-Kevin? What's he talking about?"

"Don't listen to him, babe," Kevin said. "You should know - as should everyone else here - that demons are _liars._ "

" _I am not lying about *cough* this!_ " Demongo insisted, and pointed at Kevin. " _This man murdered Commander Wind Walter, the daughter of his bride!_ "

The crowd let out more gasps, and Lou just stared at Kevin in shock. Kevin himself just laughed and said, "Oh, yeah? How are you going to prove it, you sack of evil incarnate?"

A sharp clap came from outside, capturing everyone's attention. " _He's_ not going to," the woman standing just beyond the doorway signed. She stepped into the church, revealing herself to be me, Commander Wind Walter. " _I_ am."

The crowd gasped once more. Lou stared at me in disbelief, and said, "... _Wind?_ " before fainting.

"You've got quite a nerve to call _Demongo_ a sack of evil incarnate, _Kevin,_ " I signed, walking down the asile. Kevin's eyes were wide and he backed away, bumping into Grandpa Max in the process. " _You're_ the one who's been stringing my Mom along for her money. _You're_ the one who swore at my little brother. And _you're_ the one who strangled me in my own backyard."

Mom spun around to face Kevin, scared. "Is this true, Kevin?! Did you _strangle_ my daughter?!"

But Kevin was too focused on me to look at her. "No... no way... you can't be here. You're dead!" he shouted.

"I was. But now I'm back." I smiled widely. "Did you miss me, buddy-boy?"

" _Noooooooooo!_ " Kevin screamed, and jumped through the stained glass behind the altar, sending shards flying out over the lawn. " _Ghoooooooooooooooooost!_ "

My conscious comrades went after him, while Demongo finally collapsed to the floor, unconscious. Mom knelt down to try and rouse him. "Demongo?! Can you hear me? Oh, no, please, don't die..."

"Will..." he said weakly, smiling up at her, "... will you take me back?"

She smiled back at him, her tears falling onto his face but it wasn't enough to extinguish the flames. "Yes. I will."

"That is... all I needed to hear," he said, before falling completely into darkness.

* * *

The boys followed Kevin all the way to a large pond of fusion matter between Pokey Oaks South and Genius Grove, where stupid idiot Kevin jumped in to try and evade them and apparently forgot that he couldn't swim, and wound up drowning in the process. They dragged his body out of the pond and loaded him up into a bodybag, high-fiving each other that the monster was finally off the streets.

An ambulance was called for Demongo who, while suffering severe burns and was all but dead, was expected to make a full recovery. Mom rode with him in the ambulance to tell him all about what she'd been doing recently, and of course about little Wednesday. They were holding hands when the paramedics closed the ambulance doors.

My friends all hugged me, happy to see that I was safe and alive. The happiest, though, was Lou, who approached me carefully, as if he was worried I'd fade away like a mirage. When he was certain I was real, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly, crying onto my shoulder. I held him close for I don't know how long.

I mean we were even still together on my ambulance ride to the hospital (the doctors wanted to make sure I was alright after, you know, _dying,_ and they wanted to check on the baby too. Other than being a little dehydrated, I was given a clean bill of health as was the wee one.)

That night, we all camped out in Demongo's hospital room, grateful to be reunited. Rachel and Zim were with us, too, to be there for their friend. Ben and Vilgaz even joined us, but Wallabee went back to the Outpost.

I couldn't believe how lucky I was. Not only had I escaped death from Fuzzy's bullet, but from Kevin's strangling as well. I knew this was a special gift, and one I couldn't squander. Not anymore.

I made a mental note to finally ask The Planetheads what their big plan was for me the next morning.


	67. Plan 9 from the Planetheads

CHAPTER 64: PLAN 9 FROM THE PLANETHEADS

"Ah, Wind, you're back," Rachel said, turning away from the centrifuge in the lab section of the monster truck. I don't know what she was spinning but it looked like fusion matter hm. "What can we do for you?"

"What's this "we?"" asked Zim, who was chillin' on the oprating table writing out a report and eating pocky crumbs were getting everywhere all over the sterile environment.

"Hi guys," I signed, walking in. "Well, actually, I'm here about the plan you wanted to propose to me."

Rachel raised her brow. "You're sure?"

"Yeah," I said. "Positive."

"Alright, then," she said, and led me downstairs through a secret hatch. After a narrow, steep staircase, we came to a rom lit with only a single lightbulb, with a table with a bigass piece of paper on it.

"Wind, we've been doing a lot of research on the biology of Fusion creatures," Rachel said, flattening out the paper. "As hardy as they are agaoinst our ecosystem and weapons, they are quite defenseless against viral and bacterial threats. In fact, they have no concept of an immune system."

"Really?" I asked.

"Mm-hmm," she said, nodding. "They make up for it with their brute strength and ability to adapt, but should they be infected with certain types of human sicknesses, their bodies have no way to fight the infection and they break down fairly quickly. This is even true for the infected animals; the fusions take over their brains - and thus, immune responses - and when the animal gets sick they have no idea how to fight it off. They haven't figured our own biology out yet."

"I see..." I said. "So, what does this have to do with me?"

"Wind," Rachel said, looking a little uncomfortable, "I'm going to be straight with you. Everyone knows you're a whore with no standards. Demongo told us you have chlamydia, and when he knew you, only had two years left to live. Your time is running out. Our plan is for us to send you to Planet Fusion, seduce Lord Fuse, have sex with him, and infect him with your chlamydia, thus killing the root of the infection and saving Planet Earth, once and for all."

I was silent for a few moments. Then I screamed and signed, "YOU WANT ME TO DO FUCKING _WHAT?!_ "

"Yes, exactly," said Zim.

"I know it's a lot to ask," Rachel said. "And you're of course free to ref-"

"I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH AN ALIEN OVERLORD!" I signed angrily. "WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO YOU THINK I AM?!"

"Wind, please," Rachel begged, "we mean no disrespect. We consider you one of Earth's greatest warriors, who would do anything for her planet. Like I was saying, there is no pressure to acce-"

"LISTEN HERE, YOU INSECTOID BITCH!" I jutted my finger in Rachel's face, "I DO _IN FACT_ HAVE STANDARDS, MY MOTHER'S CREEPY LAWYER HIT ON ME AND I TOLD HIM OFF, SO I WOULDN'T STOOP TO _THAT_ LEBVEL, AND CERTAINLY NOT THE ONE _YOU'RE_ IMPLYING!"

"Okay, that's perfectly fine, we're terribly sorry to have offen-"

"I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT YOU HAVE JUST SUGGESTED TO ME ! NEVER BEFORE HAVE I BEEN SO INSULTED! YOU'RE LUCKY ZIM IS RIGHT HERE, OTHERWISE I'D TAKE OUT MY CHERRY POP GUN AND POP _YOUR_ FUCKING-"

" _Rachel!_ " cried a young woman who burst into the lab in a panic. It took me a moment to recognize her but Rachel immediately said

"Lili?! How did you know I worked here?"

"Demongo spray-painted "The Planetheads" on the side of the truck, with little drawings of our heads under it," said Zim. "Everybody knows."

Rachel slapped her forehead. "So much for his "secret hiding place, don't tell anyone.""

But Lili was still panicked and crying badly. So Rachel sat her down and got her a glass of water, and soon she was able to explain what happened. "Someone... someone..." Lili said, still crying her mascara was trailing down her face.

"SPEAK, HUMAN!" Zim shouted and almost slapped her but Rachel held him back.

"S-Someone kidnapped our fetus!" Lili screeched.

"Wh-What?!" Rachel said, shtratled. "How? When?"

"It happened at some point last night, while we were asleep," Lili explained "We woke up and it was just gone!"

"... what were you doing with a fetus?" I asked.

Lili couln't read sign language but _could_ read minds so she knew what I was saying anyway. "Well, we were expecting it, duh!"

"Why the hell were you making kids at your ages?!" I tried to follow up but Rachel said,

"Lili, calm down, it'll be okay, tell us the address of the hotel where you're staying, and we'll drive over right now to search for clues."

"It's the Sand Dollar Suites, in Orchid Bay," she said.

"Alright. Buckle up, everyone," Rachel said, and made her way over to the driver's seat "Wind, you don't have to come with us if you don't want to. I understand I upset you earlier and so you are free to leave if that's what makes you comfortable."

I would've SO loved to leave but I saw Lili sittin' there crying her eyes out, and I knew I had to be there for her and Rash. "No... I'll stay," I signed.

"As you wish," she replied and put the car into gear. "Hold on, Raz. We're coming."

* * *

We arrived at the Sand Dollar and stepped out, and walked up to the door. Outside there was a dog singing in a baritone voice for tips. I gave her 2 bucks and asked why she was singing.

She answered, but I couldn't understand her because she was dog. Lili read her mind and said it was to raise money for a rescue operation to save her brother, who had been abducted by the Fusions.

"But why would they abduct a dog?" asked Rachel. "They've only abducted humans..."

Suddenly, I remembered the dog who had been abducted during The Battle of Heroes' Hollow, the one whose owner was killed and they were also the ones who visited Decter when he was in the hospital following the explosion that took his hand. "OMG," I signed, "I know your brother, Ms. dog! I saw him get abducted!"

The dog began crying and everyone yelled at me for making her sad. But I explained that I understood what an important misison it was and how difficult it would be to get him back so I gave her my card as well as Numbuh 5's (since as far as I knew she was still working on a way to save that dog) and told her to call me if she ever needed help.

We went up to the forth flour and into Raz & Lili's room, Lili threw the door open with her mind and ran to Raz, who was sitting on the bed crying. They hugged and turned to us and Rachel expressed her condolences. Zim just went to check what snacks they had in their mini fridge, mmm.

"So, Raz, can you give me any idea as to who would want to abduct your fetus?" Rachel asked, taking out her notepad and pen.

"Better question, why did you two feel the need to conceive at your ages?" I asked (never mind the fact that I was eighteen but it was an accident okay?!)

"We're twenty-two!" Raz snapped. "And it was an accident, okay?!"

"Yeah, like _that's_ an excuse," I said, but shied away because he'd seen through my bluff... I saw Zim snickering in the other room 'cause he knew I'd been caught.

Rachel started checking around the room for any signs of a break-in while I actually startd to think about this. "Wait... how long have you been prengant?" I asked Lili.

"34 weeks," said Raz.

"But... but I saw you at Agent Cruller's funeral, and you were skinny as a stick," I signed to _Lili,_ "just like you are now!"

"Well, yeah, 'cause that was four months ago," Raz said, raising an eyebrows.

" _Oh,_ " I signed, kind of surprised that yeah, it was that long ago. " _Right._ " Then I remembered what happened at the hosptial when Mom was giving birth to Wednesday, and how UNHELPFUL Raz was in defending their lives. "Hey, why should I even bother helping you two?"

Lili looked a little startled but Raz snapped, "What do you mean?! Our fetus is _missing!_ "

"Yeah, and when the hospital where my (admittedly-horrible) mother was having my (admittiedly-horrifying) sibling, I asked for your help and _you_ just ran off! Like a coward!"

"I'm no coward!" Raz snapped, getting to his feet to get in my grill. " _I_ had someone to protect, just like you! I don't see you staying out of dangerous battles while pregnant!"

"My world needs me, you psi-tryhard! And so does yours! If you cared so much, you shouldn't have dragged Lili to a half-demolished hospital!"

"... I wasn't with him that day," Lili said from the bed.

I blinked at her. "What?"

"I was busy with Agents Nein and Vodello... Raz went to the hospital by himself."

"Wait..." I trailed off, my hands starting to shake. "If... if you were alone... **then what did you mean by...?** "

"What did you think I meant?" Raz snapped, glaring at me. " _I'm_ the one who's pregnant!"


	68. Your Fetus is Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AACK HOW DID I MISS MY TWO-YEAR ANNIVERSARY?! Happy birthday julysunicorn! ^^ well the account at least my birthday's a different day. I can't believe it. Also in two days (19th) is National Ice Cream Day and the day after that is the first anniversary of Whn My Magic Meets Your Science! whoa tons of special days coming up! Hope your day is plenty special too! :D

CHAPTER 65: YOUR FETUS IS MINE

"Wind, you get your filthy human ass off those curtains at once!" Zim snapped from below me. Far, far below me.

"I CAN'T" I signed, screaming in fear. "EVERYTHING I'VE EVER KNOWN IS UNRAVELING INTO A LIE!"

I knew it. I knew it would come for me one day - the day I would be faced with a pregnant man. My entire world had shattered, but the pieces were too numerous and too damaged to put back together. It was like my brain was breaking for a second time.

"C'mon, let's pry her off," Rachel said and, one by one, they broke my fingers so I couldn't hol onto the curtains no more.

After sitting me down on the bed and giving me some lemonade, I'd calmed down to the point where I could speak again. "H-How is this possible?!"

"Raz's from the circus," Lili explained, "his family are gypsies. The men carry the children."

"Oh." I signed but on the inside I was thinking _that is a bunch of baloney, I have never heard of gypsies gestating that way._

"Well, whoever it was who stole your fetus knew how to get into the room undetected," said Rachel, sighing. "There's no sign of forced entry, nor did I find any fingerprints, though I _did_ find a blonde hair. Has anyone blonde been in your room recently?"

"The maid's blonde," Lili explained, "so it's probably hers."

"Well, I'll take it back to the truck to analyze anyway, just in case," Rachel said and bagged it. "Don't worry, you two. We'll find your baby and get it safe and sound back inside of you Raz, don't you worry."

"Thank you, Rachel," he said sadly.

Zim helped me get my scared and quivering ass up off their bed but the stench of fear remained, they weren't too happy about that. I was loaded lik a sak of buttered turds into the backsheat of the trock as they waved goodbye... slowly I felt myself descend into madness...

"Who would want a human fetus, anyway?" asked Zim as Rachel analyzed the hair. "You can't do anything with them. They're not even of any use for years until they know how to walk and listen. Irken smeets are far superior and trainable."

"Well, remember the pedigree of this poor kid," Rachel said as she eyed the big scary machine. "The parents are two powerful psychics, both of whom graduated from their training programs at remarkably-young ages. Whoever kidnapped their baby must be planning to use them for something where they needed such a special brain."

"But it's not a guarantee that the kid will be born with psychic powers," Zim argued. "It could always be born stupid."

"True," Racehl said, "but most villains don't care about taking the chance."

"So... what will they do if the fetus isn't psychic?" Zim asked.

Rachel was silent for a moment. "Let's try and find them before that happens."

Zim checked on me, I was still catatonic. "She's not looking too good," he said. "Oh, well. Let's dump her on the side of the road and go get some grub."

"We are not kicking a traumatized woman out onto the street." Rachel said firmly. "Instead, we can take her with us to get some snacks while we wait for the results to come back on this hair."

Zim stamped his foot and turned away. "Ugh, fine..." He knew not to argue with her he'd done it in the past... it wasn't pretty...

They drove the truck into Orchid Bay's travel hub, you know, the one with the bigass ship's wheel sitting in the middle of the square- er, circle? I had recovered enough to walk now so wwe went out onto the boardwalk, some dude was selling kettle corn so The Planetheads got me a bag (Zim also got one for himself and I wondered how he was still so small if he ate so much snack food.)

We sat our asses down on a bench and dove into that there corn. At least, Zim and I were. Rachel was looking thoughtful as she gazed out over the waves. Maybe she was a surfer. Or maybe she was actually a sea monster that had learned to breathe water, considering how inhumanly long her limbs were. Like a giant squid. I decided to finally broach the subject, but I had to do it tactfully.

"So, uh, Rachel," I signed, "Are you a carnivorous sea monster that's going to eat my butt while I sleep?"

But she didn't see I was talking to her because she was looking away. Zim saw the whole thing and shouted, "HEY, RACHEL, WIND'S TRYING TO TALK TO YOU DANGIT"

She turned around "Yes, Wind?"

"You sure do like the ocean," I signed, my ears were ringing from Zim's outburst good gravy he was on Rachel's other side but it still hurt.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to space out. Yes, I do." She smiled at the sea. "I always feel closer to home when I can hear the waves."

That wasn't good. "Haha yeah... so um... why are you so tall?"

"Pardon?" she said but I could tell she knew what I said...

"Why are you 7 feet tall Rachel..."

She hesitated and crossed her ridiculously-long arms. "I went through something called _puberty,_ Wind."

"But I knew you in junior high, and yeah you were tall, but you weren't _this_ tall," I argued, then remembered something else. "And hey, didn't you die when we were rehearsing _Romeo and Juliet?_ "

"Wh-What?!" she asked, startled?! "No, I did not! Where did you get that idea?"

"Well, it's just that you had a heart attack and everything and I never saw you again..." I signed.

"Not everyone dies from a heart attack," she said, "but I didn't return to school because I was... uh... transferred."

"Transferred?" I asked. "To an aquarium?" Then I realized I'd signed too much!

"No...?" she said. "Honestly, Wind, I... really don't like talking about it. Can we please drop the subject?"

"Uh, yeah, sure, I'm sorry."

While we sat and enjoyed the salt in the air that was also salting our popcorn look at that, Grim noticed us chilling and came over to say hello. "Howdy, boy and girls!" he said happily.

"Oh no... my chlamydia's finally done it, hasn't it?" I asked.

Grim's face twisted in disgust and confusion. "What in de world are you talking about?!"

"Hey, what are you doing here in Orchid Bay?" Zim asked, most perplexed. "I thought that other human, the te-xuan-ze, watched over this area."

"Oh, you mean Ms. Lee," Grim said, his mouth forming a perfect "O" when he said it. "Yes, well, she's been called away on a mission out in Nowhere, so she left me in charge."

"But... I thought she wasn't able to leave the area?" I asked. "Some ancient curse or something?"

"The Veil. Normally, you would be right, she couldn't leave the Bay. But... well... let's just say we struck a sort of... _deal._ "

I coughed and spat up my popcorn. "You _boned_ her, didn't you?!"

Grim got all angry and pointed his skeletal finger at me, "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR DISGUSTING-"

"Oh hey what's that I think I hear Demongo calling us" Zim said and Rachel took the hint, sitting up and grabbing him and pulling up on my arm _we needed to get_ _out of here and away from the angry spirit of death._ We ran with us all the way back to the truck fearing for our lives while Grim just glared after us, his skull still scrunched.

We got in the truck like we were escaping from a stampede. "Wind! What's the matter with you?! That was the freaken' Grim Reaper you were talking to?"

"Well, did you _hear_ the way he said that?!" I responded. "That's exactly what it seemed like he was inferring!"

"Look, I know he deals with death, but even _he_ has standards!" she argued.

"Hey Rachel," Zim said, pointing to the lab with a blank expression on his green face, "The analysis is done."

"Oh... okay," she said, trying to wind down from the argument before walking into the lab, she went back to look at the analysis analysis. "It's no one in any criminal database, so it could still be the maid's hair," she said, before pausing. "But there's dirt particles on it."

"Can you tell from where?" asked Zim.

"Yeah, _Zim,_ " I said, rolling my peepers, " _cause_ _ **all**_ _Earth terrain is the_ _ **same,**_ _you know? You can just look at one and be like,_ _ **oh yeah, this's from central Afric-**_ "

"It's from Devil's Bluff," Rachel said plainlyly.

I froze. "... _w-what?_ "

"Or Devil's Canyon," she continued, adjusting the lens on the microscope, "they're very similar, so I can't really pinpoint it."

Zim glared at me harshly, so I started laughing nervously and avoided looking at him ha ha "Uh, ha ha, I didn't know... ha ha..."

Zim started **STRANGLE** ing me but Rachel got him under control and we took off hauled ass to the wilds. The drive was boring so I'm going to skip it and jut get to the good stuff...


	69. Okay, It's Really Mine Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway this chapter was originally part of the last one but it was so freaken huge I split them in half. Also yes ha ha 69 how hilarious. Everyone laughs at it but it's gotten so old by now. Also it's one of the most disgusting positions ever invented (that's just my opinion of course I don't want to talk about it it ended badly) so I hope you're happy laughing at it.

CHAPTER 66: OKAY IT'S REALLY MINE NOW

We got out of the car all the vomit came pouring out over the ground. The stench was horrible people in the barracks swore at us and some threw up themselves. The insane heat of the bluff wasn't helping and was nearly as bad as the heat of a female elephant.

"Well, look who it is!" said a welcoming baritone voice behind me.

I turned around. It was Dr. Charmcaster. "Dr. Chramcaster!" I signed happily, and gave gim a hug. "How are you?"

"I'm doing quite well, though I'm still grieving for my uncle. And getting his affairs in order has been incredibly draining." He looked down and smiled at my body. "Oh, congratulations! When are you due?"

"Huh?" I signed I thought he was going to ask me out? That's what most people say after checkoing me out. Then I remembered "Oh yeah! Sorry, sometimes I forget that I'm pregnant, I've just got so much dookie going on in my life right now."

"So I've heard," he said, nodding. "You've truly become something of a celebrity warrior, Commander."

I blushed, honored. "U-Uhh... well... I've only fought one Fusion... and even then it was with a whole team... I'm not that great of a warrior..."

"Still, you're an inspiration for people wanting to join the ranks, particularly young women. There has been an uptick in female agents and soldiers since your rescue of that guinea pig. You're making a difference."

I ducked my head, trying to hide the tears. "I... I try, doctor."

"So, when are you due?"

"O-Oh yeah," I signed, snapping straight again and twisting a few of my lumbar vertebrae out of place dang that was going to hurt for a few days, "six months. February. The 14th, to be exact."

"Oh, how lovely!" Dr. Charmcaster joked and I laughed too because I thought it was funny that Lou's and my love child was going to be born on the day of love.

Surprised that we were able to carry on a happy conversation for so long without that diminutive bitch queen stopping the fun, I asked Dr. Charmacaster, "Hey, where's Mandy? She's normally out here surveying and making sure everyone is miserable, right?"

"Uh, heh heh, right," he said, rubbing the back of his neck he was honestly a little afraid of Mandy overhearing me. He swallowed. "Well, yes, she is normally outside, but lately she's been spending a lot of time in her lab, working on her personal army plans. It's right through that big door where she normally stands outside of, go knock on it if you wish to talk to her,".

" _Great, thanks,_ " I signed, knowing that _there was no way in hell I was going to reveal my location to Mandy,_ not after she'd banned me from the stand as it were. Then I realized something...

" _Rachel?!_ " I sign-shrieked, running over to my eerily-tall ex-schoolmate. She was indeed standing _right outside that door._

"Huh? Did you need something, Wind?" she asked. I noticed Zim was crawling all over her like a freakin' roach or something but she either didn't notice or didn't mind, she wasn't stopping him.

"RACHEL I JUST REALIZED MANDY IS HERE _THE_ MANDY SHE'S HERE SHE'S HERE RACHEL SHE LIVES HERE IN THIS SMARMY CANYON AND HER HAIR IS _BLONDE_ SHE'S FORMING AN INDEPENTENT MONKEY ARMY OR SOMETHING BUT SHE MAY VERY WELL HAVE KIDNAPPED RAZ'S AND LILI'S FETUS FOR HER EVIL PLANS" I signed while shrieking like a highly frightened lemur.

"Wind, _why didn't you tell us earlier?!"_ she asked, annoyed.

"BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW MANDY HAD KIDNAPPED THE FETUS AND I FOGRET SHE HAD BLONDE HAIR YOU HO" then I realized she meant why I didn't tell her Mandy had an army or was at least building one. "oh oops sorry rachel i didn't mean it honest"

"Riiiight," she said, and turned to the door. She tried opening it but it wasn't budging hm. Like the waste in my poopsock. "Hrm, it's locked, but I don't want to blast it open. We have no idea who or what is on the other side."

"Use your telekeniss to unlock it," Zim adviced.

Rachel did so but said "It's not enough - the bolt's too heavy and old. I need more brainpower."

"I'll call raz and Lili over," Zim said taking out some sort of Irken Irken communications device. "Besides they'll want to know any information we have on their spawn."

The whole time he was still clinging to Rachel like a giant bug and she still never brushed him off or asked him to get down. I thought it was kind of odd I mean I wouldn't want an extra ten pounds hanging onto me. Maybe they were just really good friends; but that couldn't have been true either because Zim hated everyone. At least, I thought he did.

Then, I started thinking of something even scarier... what if they weren't friends... _but lovers..._

No, _no!_ That couldn't be! It would be like a great dane with a chihuahua it couldn't be what was happening! My mind burned as it attempted to cleanse itself of the horrors it brought upon its own sanctity. But it wasn't working. White blood cells were rushed to the area to try and contain the infection but nothing was going to change what I'd just imagined.

The others looked at me weirdly - in fact everyone in the barracks was - and I realized I'd also been screaming _ex_ ternally. I giggled (internally and externally) and tried to salavage my image but all was lost.

Raz and Lili arrived in a matter of minutes they were so worried. We got them up to speed, they nearly crapped their pants no they didn't they're too brave and strong. Raz, Lili, and Rachel all teamed up to blow that bolt and soon the dusty, heavy metal door popped open.

"Alright, gang," Raz said, "let's go inside and kill that shrew, and get our baby back."

"Nuh-uh," I said, hiding behind a nearby rock. "Are you insane?! Mandy will kill you! Ruin your life? I don't want to go in there!"

"And _I_ never wanted to hear Dexter say "cervix."" Rachel quipped. "All lives are ruined sometime."

That just made me wonder even more what diabolocal teachings they gave her back in Atlantis. But, despite how scared I was of Mandy, I was a commander now. I had to get up off my dimpled, saggy arse and go fight for the safety of the innocents.

We descended into the dark, dark and dank stairwell into a dark, dark room. The Psychonauts were too scared to use their pyrokinesis since they were worried they might ignite their baby so we searched for the lightswitch instead, it took a little while but I used that time to recite a poem to help us be less stressed.

"Between dark, dark cheeks there's a dark, dark crack and in that dark, dark crack there's a dark, dark hole and if you spread those dark, dark cheecks and that dark, dark crack you can reveal that dark, dark hole to the hot, hot sun," I signed.

"WH-WHAT IN THE _FUCK?!_ " Raz shouted, he'd read my mind and knew what I'd been signing.

Everyone got scared becuase of his outburst and we all began screaming and flailing around we still couldn't see anything. Eventually I bumped into the lightswotch and the light turned of.

We looked around. It was a stark white room, filled with tables that in turn were filled with beakers and bunsen burners and notepads and pencils and bens, but the most upsetting was the tank at the end of the room.

The one filled with green goo, in the middle of which floated a fetus.

"Fetus?!" they creid, and ran to the tank.

"Is it fusion matter?!" Lili asked, worried. "Can you read their mind?"

"Hold on, " Raz said, focusing on the tiny human. At least I think the baby was a human I mean I honestly wasn't sure if either of their parents were human. I was even less sure that Rachel was human. But I digress "They're not in pain, so it's not fusion matter. But they're saying it's cold and lonely in there."

"Don't worry, baby!" Lili cried against the glass. "We'll get you out of there soon!"

Zim hurried to a nearby cumputer condole to see if he could release the child. "There must be something about the baby vat here somewhere," he said, before stopping and gasping, " _Oh, that's not good._ "

Suddenly the tank drained, taking the fetus along with it with a toilet flush sound. Lili and Raz started screaming and panicking even more like scared chickens and Raz screamed at Zim, "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

"I DIDN'T DO NOTHING!" Zim defedneded himself, glaring at the football-headed psychic. "IT SAID ON THE SCREEN SOMETHING ABOUT REMOTE INITIATION OF IMPLANT AND IT DID IT BY ITSELF!"

"Remote _what?!_ " I signed, then we all shut up when the ground started shaking.

We ran outta that lab man like a tapeworm after the vet threatens to get the meds! Lucky, too, since two seconds after we got out the lab caved in.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Razn Lili screamed in horror, before something burst out of the canyon wall above the door. It was a big, freaken, robot spider suit, and who else was piloting it but Mandy herself.

But that wasn't the worst part.

The fetus was in a tank under the robot.

"Wind," Mandy said, slowly, "didn't I tell you not to come back here again?"

"... _fuck my life_ " I signed.

"Give us back our baby! They're not yours, they're ours!" Lili cried.

"No." Mandy said simply. "The brain of the spawn of two highyl-skilled psychics is exactly what I need to power my mecha death suit. With your child's power, I can overthrow the guides and hand Earth to Fuse on a fancy silver platter."

"Why would you do that?!" Rachel snapped. "Fuse is the _enemy,_ Mandy!"

"Maybe to you," she said, narrwoing her eyes, "but I can see the benfits of taking his side. For one, I won't get brutally murdered by them once they fully reach this planet. For two, Fuse has offered me a deal I can't re:fuse: join him, and I will share in the power of Planet Fusion in its future conquests."

"You are _insane,_ " Raz sneered. "What makes you think Fuse would actually make a deal with a human, anyway? If he actually _did_ speak with you, and it's not a side effect of your mania, you _have_ to know he's just using you."

" _Of course he's using me,_ you spoon-bending prick," Mandy said as she set him on fire using his own child's pyrokinesis. "I'm not an imbecile. When I get to Planet Fusion, I intend to double-cross him and take his throne for myself."

"Leave my boyfriend and fetus alone, you jerk!" Lili shouted and attempted to jump up onto the robot using levitation

"Ah ah ah," Mandy said, swatting her away like a basketball with her robot arm, "don't want to do that, if you care about your little pumpkin here. If you try to remove the fetus from this robot, I've got a self-destruct button in here that'll blow this whole suit to smithereens."

Everyone gasped. The fiend! There was no way we could fight her - not with the baby in the robot! Baby on board, man! Baby on board!

Then Manyd shot a psi-blast at me and I jumped to the side to avoid it. The laser burnt a huge patch on the ground and it smelled like burnt pancaes, the others knew this wasn't good.

"Where'd that robit come from?!" asked a scared voice behind me.

"What's a " _robit?!_ "" I signed, then turned around. There was a super-tall red guy with long, stick-like legs and more than half his left arm was missing and his left eye was all kinds of effed up. "aAHHHH!"

"Oh, sorry," he said, "I didn't mean to startle you with my question."

"WH-WHO ARE YOU?!" I asked.

"Sorry, I should've introduced myself! I'm Wilt, I live at Foster's."

"Oh." I said "I'm Wind, nice to meet you Wilt."

"The pleasure's all mine," he said as we shook hands then ducked as a huge boulder was hurled at both of us, specifically me. It crashed into the larger boulder I was hiding behind though.

" _You get your filthy little whore ass out here, Commander,_ " Mandy said, boy did she sound angry. " _I'm going to teach you a lesson for meddling in my affairs._ "

"Uh, uhhhhh," I said, looking around in a panic what was I going to do?! I was in unarmed in a battle against a death trap!

"Is that a _baby_ under that robit?!" Wilt asked horrified!

"Yeah," I signed, "she's using that poor little thing to power her suit... says she's got a self-destruct button if we get to close..." I trailed off, thinking about this. Something about it didn't make sense. Why would Mandy, self-proclaimed secretary of Fuse, risk blowing herself up?

Then it hit me... she was bluffing.

"Wilt!" I whipped around to face him. I was worried he'd already walked away to the lemonade stand but no he was still right behind me. "I need you to get into that robit's- I mean robot's cockpit, throw Mandy out of it, and disengage the fetus tank! Please, you're our only hope!"

"What?! But I can't throw her out of there! What if she got hurt?" Wilt asked.

I sighed ugh he was too innocent. "Okay, fine, just... set her down on the ground so we can apprehend her."

"Will do!" he said happily, and walked over to the robit in three strides jeez guy's got long legs. "Sorry, could I just get in here for a sec?"

"Huh?!" Mandy asked then was plucked from her seat and held in the air for a moment while Wilt looked inside the cockpit.

"Nope, there's no self-destruct button in here!" he called out.

"YOU BITCH!" Raz screamed at Mandy, suddenly she started to look scared for when she would be put down near the enraged populace on the ground hm.

"Oh, hey, I think I found the release button!" Wilt said, and tucked Mandy under his bad arm to press it. "Here we go!"

The tank lid suddenly fell open and all the juice came out, and Raz's and Lili's fetus starting hurtling toward the hard ground.

" _No!_ " Raz cried, and ran to catch their baby.

We all watched. We all gasped.

Raz jumped and caught the baby in the air, but fell on top of them on the ground. Ampiotic fluid gushed out from under him over the dry earth.


	70. Pregnant Man

CHAPTER 67: PREGNANT MAN

" _Raz?!_ " Lili screamed, and ran over to her boyfriend, fearing the worst. Raz was frozen in shock.

She turned him over, bracing herself for what she expected to find, but both were shocked to find no trace of the fetus...

"Wh... Where'd they go?" asked Lili, looking around.

Then we all looked by Hex's old tent. Dr. Charmcaster was there, his hand outstretched. He was panting in shock.

"Dr. Charmcaster?" I asked. "What just happened?!"

"I... I used a teleportation spell on the fetus," he said, trembling. "I was so worried I'd be too late."

"Where's the fetus, Doctor?!" I asked.

Taking a deep breath, he smiled. "Right back where they should be.

Sure enough, we noticed Raz looked like he was nine months pregnant (we were all too shocked to notice at first okay?!). And we realized that the ampiotic fluid had sprayed _out of_ him. He was in labor.

So began my descent into madness.

Rachel helped Dr. Charmcaster bring Raz into Hex's tent so he didn't have to deliver in front of the whole barracks. Raz was screaming because he thought that's what you were supposed to do in labor but Dr. Charmcaster told him no, not unless he was in pain, which he wasn't so he stopped. I was in pain though, mental pain, and began clawing at the walls of the tent to get out but they wouldn't let me leave.

"Please, Commander," Lili begged, "we need you here. You've been so helpful to us, and we owe you and your friends so much for rescuing our baby. We'd be honored if you were here for the birth."

"Okay, one, they're not my friends, and two, I really don't want to witness a man have a baby," I signed.

"Wind, I understand you're uncomfortable, but due to the trauma the baby has gone through, chances are high I'll need assistance," said Dr. Charmcaster, darn it he was so nice.

"Uh... uhh... well, if you need help, why not ask Rachel instead?!" I offered. "She's delivered man babies before!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" she said, shaking her hands and backing up. "No, I have not! Don't drag _me_ into this!"

"Please, Commander and... miss," Dr. Charmcaster said, "I agree, birth isn't a very visually-pleasing thing to witness. But there is a high risk of... _complications,_ " he whispered so the parentds wouldn't hear that didn't seem ethical to me though, "and so I need as many hands on deck as possible. Please, we need you."

I was halfway out the tent, but Rachel sighed. "Okay. I can't just walk away from someone in need. What kind of soulless monster would I be? I apologize, Raz, Lili."

Then I noticed the couple were staring at me angrily so I sighed and came back in as well. "Uh, yes, right, it would be a terrible thing, abandoning you two and your soon-to-be-birthed offspring. I'll... I'll help too, Doctor."

"Excellent," he said, smiling understandably. "I cannot thank you two enough. Now, Rachel, if you could go get some towels from the back room, Wind can come here and assist me hands-on."

I didn't like the sound of that. I _really_ didn't like the sound of that. "You got it, Doc," Rachel said and ran outta that room before she could find out what my punishment involved.

"Do you need me to do anything, Doctor?" asked Woilt, he was bending over to fit inside the tent somehow we hadn't noticed he came in too... huh I thought he was still outside holding Mandy.

"Hmm…" Dr. Charmcaster thought for a moment. "Wilt, you're a very sweet creature, and you helped us a lot today. I'm sure the parents-to-be would feel better with you at their side, as well?"

Raz and Lili agreed so Wilt said, "Sure thing!" and walked to the other side of the cot. Persnally I would feel threatened if a freakishly-tall and deformed _thing_ were standing over me while I delivered _my_ offspring but whatever Raz and Lili had seen kids who looked worse during their days at camp.

Dr. Charmcasyer beckoned me over as well and, slowly, I approached the desrtuction of my sanity. Raz was naked from the waist down so I covered my eyes to keep from seeing it. Lucky vastard Wilt, getting to stay by the front of the cot.

"Here Wind, I want to teach you a little about childbirth," Dr. Charmcaster said. "It's truly a beautiful thing. Yes, it looks nasty, but it's all perfectly natural. Now, Raz, I'm going to check how dilated you are. See, Wind, the birth canal has to open up, or dilate, to at least 10 centimeters to allow the baby to pass through and be born into this world."

"M-Mm-hmm," I grunted, feeling the tears of fear start to burn at my eyelids.

"It is very important that the canal is fully open, because if you try to push a baby through less than 10 centimeters, there is a chance the baby can be born into another world. The pressure from the baby's head against the canal causes a small tear in the fabric of time and space, thus allowing him or her to fall into another dimension. If that happens, there is a very low chance we will ever find that baby again."

Tears ran from my eyes, down my cheeks, and I shook with the sobs. Dr. Charmcaster noticed and said, "There there, Wind, no need to be scared. Just look at Raz - he's not scared at all, are you, young man?"

" _My lower body feels like it's being crushed and ripped apart,_ " Raz strained.

"Hah hah," Zim laughed, shaking his head, "I remember when _I_ gave birth."

"Zim, you never gave birth," Rachel said returning the room with an armful of towels.

"YES I DID!" he insisted. "YOU WERE THERE! I DELIVERED A HAPPY AND HEALTHY LITTER OF 30 SMEETS, AND THERE WAS JUICE _EVERYWHERE!_ "

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed and signed, shutting my eyes so I still wouldn't see Raz's dingleburg when I used my hands to talk. I ran to the door and began crying my eyes out.

"Well, Raz, you're only at 5 centimeters right now," said Dr. harmcaster, snapping some gloves on and completely oblivious to my suffering, "so you'll have a little longer to wait before you can meet your bundle of joy."

"In that case, I'll call Sasha and Milla," said Lili. "They'll want to be here, too."

The agents came and Milla screamed when she saw Raz. She thus started crying Sasha had to comfort her and Raz said everything was totally fine! Before he tensed up from the pain and almost actually started screaming for real as this disgusting goop shot out of him and Milla got all upset again. Wilt was worse off though he jumped in terror at the sight, hoo boy he really had no idea what to expect when he came in here did he.

Hours passed, and the moon rose in the sky, and finally Raz was dilated enough to deliver his baby. I can't express to you how disturbing it was. i backed up against the tent flap as Dr. Charmcaster instructed him on when to puch and Lili helped him with his breathing, no one seemed to realize that he was _still male._ Wilt kept apologizing to him the entire time because he felt bad about his pain. I underwent a complete mental breakdown in that tent, listening to the awful sounds and seeing something that went against all that was natural in this world.

I mean yes they said gypsies gave birth this way but I was still freaken' scared. Well, at least I was several feet away at the door, Rachel was standing next to Dr. Charmcaster and holding a towel for when Raz's baby finally fell out and she could see everything. Zim stood right beside her for emotional support but he kept his hands in front of his eyes the whole time (but not clamped over them so he could still breathe)

"Wind?! Wind, are you okay?!" cried a familiar voice from outside.

"Wind, who is that?" asked Dr. Charmcaster, he seemed a little irritated that someone was disturbing the peace in the room (there was anything but peace)

"It sounds like Lou," I signed and turned around to open the flap, sure enough it was my boyfriend. He was lookin' terrified.

"Wind!" he said, scared, "I heard someone whent into labor in Devil's Bluff and you were there, are you and the baby alright?!"

"We're fine, Lou," I signed, "it wasn't me. It was Raz, we got his baby back."

"What do ribs have to do with this?" Lou asked, confused, before seeing the young man with his legs spread out and the complete and utter mess across the cot where he was laying. Not to mention the imaginary friend who was _still_ saying "Sorry, I'm sorry, sorry" every second. "WHAT THE HECK?!"

"Yeah, it's been going on for quite a few hours now," I signed. "It was worse earlier when the sun was out, it made the whole place smell twice as bad."

"I heard that!" snapped Raz. He was getting testy from the labor as well as Wilt.

Suddenly Dr. Charmcaster sighed. "Raz, the baby isn't budging at all... if we can't get them out soon, I'll have to use forceps."

"What?! Are you _crazy?!_ " Lili asked. "Forceps will leave them with a head shaped like an ear of corn! You can't saddle our baby with that!"

"I'm sorry, Lili," Dr. Charmcaster said, sponging the sweat from his brow, "it's either that, or... your baby won't survive."

Everyone in the room gasped, even Lou, he'd gotten invested in the story. Lili held Raz's hand tightly, neither one of them wanted their baby to die obviously, but who knew what could happen to their child's mind if it was smushed like that. They'd read The Grapes of Wrath they knew the dangers.

"W... Wait," I signed up, since most of the people in the room could read minds they looked at me and that prompted the others to as well. "What if... what if you used telekinesis? Especially you two, Agents, you're seasoned Psychonauts, you would be able to carefully guide the baby out."

Lili and Raz looked to their old camp counselors. "Do you... do you think you can do it?" asked Raz.

Sasha and Milla looked at each other. "It would be a very delicate procedure," said Sasha.

"We know!" Lili cried. "But our baby is in danger!"

"We understand, darling," Milla said gently, "but a tiny baby really isn't something you should use telekinesis on. We might end up hurting them more than the forceps."

"I... I trust you," said Raz, desperate.

"And me, too," added Lili.

Milla and Sasha exchanged looks one more time, before nodding. "Alright, we'll do it," said Sasha.

The two older Psychonauts stood on either side of Dr. Charmcaster, and focused on the fetus. When Raz had his next contraction, they carefully, _carefully_ moved the baby down the canal. They continued like this until the baby finally crownded and Raz screamed like a cow realizing what cheeseburgers were made of.

Sasha and Milla backed up - their work here was done, but Dr. Charmcaster got more frantic because he wasn't expecting Raz to start screaming like this! Lili tried to calm him down but it wasn't working and Wilt's eyes went real wide and his apologies got higher in pitch he was getting very scared himself now!

Lou ran over to Dr. Charmcaster. "Uh, i-is everything alright? Should he be screaming like that?"

" _No,_ " was Dr. Charmcaster's first answer but he quickly said "U-Uh, I mean, all births are different, but he'll be fine, _just keep pushing Raz come on we're almost there I promise_ "

Raz sounded like he was about to die at any moment and I started shaking like a leaf as I crouched down by the tent flap, hugging myself into a ball. This was the worst day of my life. Forget getting shot in the head, I'd do it all over again if it meant I didn't have to be here. The Agents were panicking now and Milla was trying to comfort Raz but he didn't seem to even notice anyone right now. Zim and Rachel stared at him wide-eyed. Sasha remained expressionless but I knew he was scared too. Lou fainted and fell to the floor with a big _clunk._

Then this horiffic scream came from between Raz's legs and I realized it wasn't a scream it was the cry of a baby.

"Raz! I can see the baby!" Lili cried, looking over into the deep recess their child was exiting.

"BACK OFF I'M STILL WORKING OVER HERE!" Dr. Charmcaster snapped so she would get out of the way, he normally isn't so mean it's just this had been going on for hours and he just wanted the suffering to end for everyone involved.

After the child's enormous head was out the rest of their body was expelled with ease. Raz collapsed on the cot he'd passed out it seemed. Or maybe he died honestly it wouldn't have surprised me. Wilt saw him and said one final "sorry"

"It's a girl," Dr. Charmcaster said happily, cutting her cord before freaking out and realizing he'd forgotten to clamp it first so he did so, then handed her to Rachel to clean off and get her blood circulation going (at least it was standing still when her cord was cut so she didn't lose much blood hm).

After she wippity-wiped the baby off she handed her to Raz, who was crying tears of joy and pain (honestly it was more like painjoy) and Lili was crying too, they gazed upon their tiny daughter for the first time and felt like the luckiest parents in the world.

Sasha actually started crying and Milla gave him a hug. Wilt was crying too so Dr. Charmcaster patted him on the shoulder and said he did a good job keeping up morale. Rachel was a little shell-shocked but Zim smiled up at her and she smiled back. Lou was unconscious so he didn't see anything so. I just sort of watched it all from the corner.

 _Wow,_ I thought. _I guess it wasn't so bad._

"What are you going to name her, darlings?" asked Milla.

"Well, we were actually planning on naming her after Agent Cruller if she'd been a boy," said Raz, "but you know, I think we're going to name her Ford anyway."

"... are you sure about that?" asked Lili?

"Well, only if you want to," said Raz?

Lili thought about it for a moment, then agreed that it would be a lovely tribute to their beloved late mentor.

I looked at the scene in front of me, and really started to think about the state of the world right now. With the fusion invasion... this planet was no place for a tiny, helpless baby. Raz and Lili loved their daughter very much, it was obvious, but surely they had to know how dangerous the world was right now. And if something happened to Ford Jr...

I swallowed. No, I couldn't let that happen. I thought back to The Planetheads' plan. At first, I'd been completely against it - but now that I'd seen a beautiful family who could be hurt by the aliens, I felt I could no longer sit by and hope my pop guns were enough to hold back the tide.

I decided... as soon as we got back to the truck, I'd accept their mission.

Then suddenly without warning an angry hunchback came running into the tent, his arms were in the air and he was screaming and headed straight for little Ford Jr.!

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HER!" I signed, and shot up from where I'd been cowering to tackle the invading hunchback, but as I ran to him I tripped over Lou's corpse and fell.

In the direction of Raz.

And I fell on something... _naughty._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes that is a Freaky Fred reference. And yes the hunchback is Igor, I forgot I included a reference to that movie but great I've reminded myself of it now. And yes this chapter hurt my soul too.


	71. Battle of the Bureaucrats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> howdy-ho readers! IT'S BEEN HOT AS A BOWL OF MY MOM'S SEVEN ALARM CHILI AROUND HERE! seriously we've had no rain for weeks. Weeks I tell you! I'm trying to keep hydrated and cool but my brother-in-law keeps baking cookies and heating up the whole house even more! His baking is delicious but I just want to say to him come on man can't you just like buy ready-made cookies from the store if you need them that badly?! It kinda reminds me of that whole ice cream incedint that happened at my college last year... I hope we won't have a similar situation this year. Anyway hope you're all staying cool as cucumbers and I'll see you next time! c:
> 
> also this story just keeps getting weirder and weirder... like reality itself is dying and splitting apart... I've never done drugs but honestly it just reads like I was hitting those blunts hard when writing this. Kinda like Demongo and the rest.

CHAPTER 68: BATTLE OF THE BUREAUCRATS

Raz and Lili screamed and swore at me for accidentally falling face-first on Raz's wienre, I felt like _I_ should've been the one screaming at them considering I never wanted to see it but I tried to explain I was only trying to keep their daughter from being kidnapped and asked why no one else stopped the invading hunchback, but they all said they hadn't seen it... even if that was true I told Raz and Lili I'd tripped on Lou and didn't mean to fall where I did. It was an accident but they still didn't want to talk to me no more.

Lou, Zim, Rachel and I left the rent and saw Dexlabs soldiers were loading Mandy up into the pattywagon. She saw us and glared, knowing her life was over (collaborating with the enemy was punishable by death)

"You're all made of diarrhea, I wish you'd all drown in fusion matter," she growled, before being poked with a cattle prod in the ass and got into the wagon. They closed it up and drove off.

"Well, that was an interesting little adventure," I signed, rubbing the back of my neck. I turned to The Planetheads. "So, um, guys... I've been thinking…"

"Yes?" asked Rachel.

"Seeing the family in the tent and everything... it made me think about how fragile life is. How important it is. And... I know I can't let this invasion continue. So... if I can do something the others can't, to stop this horror in the root, I want to do it."

"You mean...?" Zim asked?

"Yes," I signed, smiling. "I accept your mission."

My mission journal dinged and a new entry was in it under world missions: Chlamydiea. Lou was confused though and asked, "Uh, what mission are you talking about, Wind?"

"Lou," I said, turning to my boyfriend, "I'm... I'm dying from my STD, remember?"

"Yes," he said, looking sad.

"Well..." I began, holding his hands, "The Planetheads said there's a way I can use it to end the war. And that's... if I sleep with Fuse, and infect him."

"Wh-What?!" he said, flabbergasted. "B-But Wind, Fuse is a monster! And he's on Planet Fusion - how will you get there?! And how will you come back?!"

"I... I won't," I explained. "Sleeping with a fusion would likely kill me, too. But I can end his reign of terror so no one else's life is at risk."

"No, you can't!" Lou bgeged. "What about us?! What about your family, or _our_ baby?!"

"I'm going to wait until I deliver, then I'll be sent to Planet Fusion."

"But... you can't just _leave_ us, Wind!" Lou was crying badly now, he was almost ununderstandable. "You can't leave our baby behind! You can't leave _me_ behind!"

"I can if it will keep you both safe," I said, tears of my own welling up in my eyes. "It's for the good of the planet, Lou."

"But it's not for the good of _us!_ " he cried, before letting go of my hands and running out of the barracks.

"Lou!" I signed after him, but it was no use, he was gone. I let my hands fall to my sides, feeling strangely empty.

Rachel set her hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Wind. Give him time. This is a lot to take in."

"Yeah," I signed.

"C'mon. We'll set you up with your own room in the truck." She smiled. "The way I see it, you're an official Planethead now."

* * *

We went back to the monster truck, Demongo was back from the hospital finally and was thrilled to hear I'd accepted their mission, and welcomed me to the team. They gave me the guest room in the sleeping quarters downstairs and I got myself settled, before coming back upstairs and into the lab so Rachel could run some tests on me after the whole hunchback episode.

"Alright Wind, this won't hurt, I just want to make sure you're not suffering from fusion matter madness or maybe your chlamydia has finally reached your brain," she said, holding up a big honking needle gun, looked like a showerhead that had thirty needles sticking out of it.

"GULP" I swallowed, shaking badly like jello that some nosy kid (with dirty hands probably) keeps poking to see it jggle which I can understand cause it's fun to watch but please wash your hands first.

Rachel slowly apprached me with that there torture device and was about to plunge it into my spine when suddenly the TV turned on. First there was static but after a few moments it cleared up to reveal a horrific brown face, it almost looked like a tree, like Eldridge _Johnson_ meyer, but it also had green tentacles coming out of the back of its head like hair and had red eyes.

"Fuse!" Demongo cried in fear.

"INHABITANTS OF EARTH," the figure growled (it was all in alien-talk but there were subtitles at the bottom of the screen, considerate aliens) "IT IS I, LORD FUSE, AND I WISH TO MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU. A DEAL FOR SAFETY. A DEAL FOR HAPPINESS. A DEAL FOR PEACE."

We all stared at the screen, scared of what he was going to say. "I AM WILLING TO CEASE MY INVASION OF YOUR PLANET, AND LEAVE ALL OF EARTH ALONE FOR THE REST OF ITS EXISTENCE, IF WE ENGAGE IN TRADE. I DESIRE ALL THE MATURED FIRST-BORNS OF YOUR WORLD FOR MY ARMY. BRING THEM TO OFF WORLD PLAZA, YOUR SPACEPORT, AND WE WILL PROVIDE TRANSPORTATION FOR THEM TO PLANET FUSION. WE WILL PROVIDE THEM WITH COMFORTABLE LIVING CONDITIONS INCLUDING SUSTENANCE, A PLACE TO SLEEP, AND A PLACE TO EMPTY THEIR BODIES' WASTE. IN RETURN I WILL ORDER MY SOLDIERS TO DESTROY THEMSELVES, BREAKING DOWN THEIR BODIES AND THE INFECTION ON YOUR PLANET, AND LEAVE YOU TO LIVE PEACEFULLY. YOU HAVE 12 EARTH HOURS TO MAKE YOUR DECISION. I HOPE YOU CHOOSE THE BEST OPTION FOR US BOTH."

The screen shut off, but we were all shocked into silence. None of us could believe what we'd just heard.

"What's... what's he going to do with them?" Zim asked, actually looking slightly pale.

"Well, he did say he was going to use them for his army," Demongo reminded.

"Like hell he his," I signed, dialing up Dexter on me nanocom. The diminutive runt of an ex-boyfriend of mine who I hold in such high esteem answered almost immediately.

"Wind!" he said, concerned. "Did you just see that on TV?"

"Yeah, we did," I signed. "Dex, I don't trust him at all."

"Neither do I - no sane person would. But the Mayor of Townsville is holding a meeting with other government officials and the guides to come to a decision on this. I believe you should attend as well. Come to Townsville City Hall - I'll meet you outside."

"Roger that." I hugn up, and Demongo drove us out to Mount Blackhead, where I got out and took the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. to City Hall (it was faster that way)

After getting there and hauling my ass up those steps I stopped by the Monkey Skyway agents, my gaze fixed on the young man across the courtyard from me. The one with the cherry-red hair and the spotless lab coat, who, despite the amount of shit he'd had to deal with in life, carried himself with pride and confidence.

My friend Decter. The guide; my ex-boyfriend; the one who we finally brought back home.

He turned to look in my direction, and gave me a smile as he waved me over. Overcome with emotion, I hurried as fast as I could over to him, and wrapped my arms around him in a fierce hug. We really hadn't been able to properly reunite, considering my death and everything so. Finally we were able to, after all this time.

"Ha ha, it is good to see you too, Wind," he said, patting my back.

I sobbed into his shoulder, grateful that the whole ass-slapping and spirit possession and kidnapping and the nearly being late to saving him from being sacrificed to a volcano god hadn't ruined our friendship.

"There there, it is alright," he said. "Everything will be okay. I'm back, and we're going to go inside to make sure Fuse doesn't get his way. Come."

I pulled away, drying my eyes, and smiled. "You always were the stronger of the two of us."

"No. Not strong. Just optimistic." He held the door open for me, but as I walked in he asked, "Oh, and Wind? Do you think perhaps, after the meeting, you could tell me what happened to my hands...?"

I froze. That's right, he'd been possessed for the whole explosion and amputations. "Uh... yeah, sure," I signed quickly.

We were immediately met with GUARDS! GUARDS! who wanted to know who I was (since I hadn't been officially invited hm) so Dexter explained who I was, I gave my I.D. and had to beat one of them at arm-wrestling to prove it was the legendary Commander Wind Walter. I blushed and was highly embarrassed at the title, but all the guards were cheering that I was a hero. I didn't feel like one. If I'd been a hero, I would've found Dexter and Kuki earlier. Jake wouldn't have died and that dog wouldn't have been abducted... and Ben wouldn't have gotten it up the ass from that Eyebulb. I just nodded and thanked them, then hurried with Dexter to the conference room.

Everyone was conferencing in the conference room. They were Ben, Double-D, Edd, Mojo Jojo, the Mayor, Ms. Bellum (since the Mayor couldn't function on his own), the bill from Schoolhouse Rock, Mayor McCheese, the Burger King (he looked even more plasticy in person), Adam West, Uncle Pockets, and some weird professor guy who looked vaguely familiar. the stench of testosterone in the air was burning my nose hairs

At least Dexter was a little more, shall we say, "bishi" and Ben had eyelashes so it wasn't too bad, it could've been worse. I sat down between them and the Mayor (who also wasn't overbearingly testosterone he was a nice old chap) began going over the happenings hm.

"O-Okay now everyone, settle down. We've got a big decision to make. This will decide the fate of not only our planet, but the entire universe and solar system as well," said the Mayor.

"Yes, we should definitely choose carefully," said Burger King.

"What do you mean, choose carefully?!" Doubled-D asked, appalled. "There's only one choice, and that's refusing this monstrous offer!"

"He's giving us a chance at _peace,_ Eddward!" snapped Unkle Pockets. "I thought you were the smart one!"

"And I thought _you_ weren't a murderer," Ben hissed, half because he was angry at Oncle Pockets and half because he shifted in his seat and hurt his hiney-hole (he was still in pain from what happened it wasn't going away anytime soon) "But we all know the truth now."

Uncle Pockets glared at him but Mayor McCheese said, "N-Now hold on everyone, let's not come to fisticuffs! I brought a good friend of mine with me today, a doctor even, who's done some calculations on the possible outcomes of our answer to Lord Fuse," he said, spitting pickles and grease onto the table by accident he couldn't help it he was born with a cheeseburger head. But people still cringed at how gross it looked anyway.

Taking his cue, the funny professor guy stood up. Now that I had a clearer look at him I started to realize he looked kind of familiar... "Uh, h-hello everyone, my name is Dr. Brody, I normally work with animals but I minored in mathematics in college."

"WHAT AUTHORITY DO YOU HAVE TO BE HERE" snapped Burger King.

"I-I, uh, I'm affiliated with that dog that was giving missions in the cul-de-sac last week," Doc Brody explained, pulling on his shirt collar. Steam came out and it sounded like a teapot. "I, uh, can't go into the details of how I know him or his organization, though."

"Hey, wait a minute," I siogned, squinting at his face, "aren't you that guy who was on that island full of dinosaurs? And didn't you die back there?"

Everyone looked at me and Doc Brody looked even more nervous. "Uh, well, no. That was my brother. I've never been to that island and frankly I don't want to."

"Yeah I agree. I had an uncle who was planning to smuggle embryos off that island..." I trailed off...

"Did the law catch up to him?" Mr. West asked.

"No, we just disowned him," I signed, shrugging. "He was really mean and everyone hated him and he hated everyone, so it kinda worked out, especially with him being a pirate and all. He changed his name and everything, too."

Now that that was over with the Mayor said "Well, then, Doctor, please continue with your models. We'd love to hear them," said the Mayor.

"R-Right, of course," said Doc Brody and he cleared his throat, a chipmunk came out then he was ready to roll. "So, according to my findings, we have a 99.9998% chance of total annihilation if we agree to Lord Fuse's terms."

The whole table gasped, then Uncle Pockets stood up and declared, "That is preposterous! Why should we believe the nonsense spewed out of a _veterinarian,_ not a certified mathematician?"

"I mean I ran these past my brother and he said they were pretty accurate..." said Doc Brody.

"I don't find it surprising at all," said Mr. West. "Fuse is obviously evil, too evil to actually mean any of this. I honestly believe that, if we go through with this, he'll not only continue the invasion of Earth, but murder those people we send, too." He stood as well. "I vote nay."

Dexter followed him. "As do I."

"Me too," I signed, standing.

In fact, all the guides stood and agreed, as did Mayor McCheexe, Doc Brody and Mr. West. But the others were still apprehensive.

"Mayor," I begged, turning to him, "you have to know this is a bad move! Fuse is _not_ to be trusted!"

But Burger King spoke up. "Need I remind you, Commander, you are not an elected official. Your vote here doesn't count." He turned to the boys. "And you four don't qualify either. So that leaves just you two, West, McCheese," he sneered their names, his voice was like spicy venom coming through his permanent fiberglass smile. "So that makes two votes for nay, one vote for yea... what of you, Pockets?"

"Yea," said the green friend.

_Oh shit_ I thought.

"And you, Mr. Bill?" Burger Fiend asked the bill.

"... I-" Bill began but King Burger cut him off,

"Oh, that's right, you were vetoed, which means your vote is null and void as well. So that makes it a tie - with the tie-breaker being _you,_ Mayor."

Everyone turned to the Mayor of Townsville, who was shaking in his seat, sweating profusely. He was too nervous to even look at any of us.

"Please, Mr. Mayor!" I begged. "You've got to say no! The world is depending on you!"

But he didn't see my hands. Hanging his head, he said only one word, almost too quiet for us to hear.

"... yea."


	72. Don't Know What You've Got (Til It's Gone)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone's having a lovely day! Cause this chapter's pretty sad.
> 
> WARNING: THIS CHAPTER BECOMES HIGHLY DISTURBING! EVEN I WAS BTOEHRED BY IT! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK MY FREINDS!

CHAPTER 69: DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT (TIL IT'S GONE)

I cried as I packed my suitcase, preparing to leave for Skypad Spaceport and my certain doom at the hands of Fuse - more specifically, in his arms. Well, at least the free trip courtesy of the fusions made my mission a little easier.

"Wind? What are you doing?" asked my Mom.

"Earth's government has voted to send the first-borns to Planet Fusion, Mother," I explained, turning to face her. "I am to be herded like livestock for the slaughter."

"But you're not my first-born," she said, puzzled. "Your brother Walter's going instead."

I blinked a couple times. "Oh, yeah." Then the reality of it sank in and I screamed while signing "OH, NO!"

I ran to my brother's room, it was right next to mine. He was also packing a suitcase. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, even though the news just came in an hour ago.

"Double-Double-U!" I signed, running up to him.

He looked up from his work, and even though he was likely doomed to die, he still smiled as he gave me a hug. "There there, Wind. It'll be okay. Earth will be safe from now on because of this. You and your baby will live long, happy lives."

"NO WE WON'T," I signed, but my hands were behind his back so he didn't see. He didn't know about my chlamydia but even if I was healthy, Earth was still certainly doomed because Fuse is a backstabbing liar, I just knew it.

We went outside to the family stationwagon. Whereas Double-Double-U was going by choice, there were still numerous people in the neighborhood who where being rounded up by force. The government had whole trucks going down the street, invading houses and dragging people out kicking and screaming, and loading them into the trucks. It was madness.

"What in the world?!" I sign-exclaimed, watching the scene unfold in the streets as Mom backed the car out of the driveway. "These are human beings! They can't do that!"

"The government said that all first-borns _must_ come to the spaceport," said Mom. "Avoiding it is a criminal offense. They say it's for world peace."

"Does this _look like_ peace?!" I signed.

"What's going to happen to them, Mama?" Wade asked in the backseat, looking sowworfully to his brother, who was on the other side. "What'll happen to Wally?"

"Don't worry about me, Wade," Double-Double-U said, and smiled at his little brother. "I'm just happy that you'll be safe."

"And I'm not your Mama," snapped Mom.

"Sheesh mom Kevin's dead you don't need to keep up the bitchiness," I signed, but that just earned me my seat heater turning on to melt my butt, joke's on you mom it melted a long time ago.

We finally reached the spacepot, thousands of people were there, being forced into a fusion ship for transport to their awful home planet, and an uncertain fate. None of them would be coming home. I felt it in my bones.

Speaking of Grim was there and he greeted us. "Welcome to de beginning of de end," he said, annoyed.

"I thought that was when the fusions first invaded?" I asked?

"No. We tought that, but dis is truly it for mankind. You idiots are sending thousands of able-bodied men and women to their doom. It was an incredibly foolish choice for a warring planet."

" _I never agreed to it!_ " I snapped, and was about to tear his skull off when a dude from the army showed up, he was real short-like.

"Which one of you is the first-born?" he asked, I saw his nametag read General Specific, what kind of a last name is that. He must've been bullied in school but that was no excuse for his behavior now.

I was about to interrupt and say I was when Double-Double-U said, "I am, sir."

"Then get in line for boarding, sheep!" the General said and my brother turned to us one last time.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye," he said, giving a sad smile.

"No, please!" I begged, and hugged him, crying into his chest, he was still so much taller than me dangit.

"I'll always be with you, Windy," he said. "Your big brother will always love you." I felt a few tears land on my shoulder. Did he... know he wasn't coming back?

"Alright, alright, break it up!" snapped one of the soldiers and he tore us apart, unfortunately with my weakened motor skills it was easy, despite how I tried to cling to my brother I was still hopelessly pried off of him. Double-Double-U was shackled and practically shoved in line with the other lost souls.

"Hey, if this is for peace, why do you have to shackle him?!" I signed, but no one saw, and even if they did, I was certain I would get no answer.

"Come on, Wind," Mom said, trying to pull me back to the car. "There's nothing you can do. You shouldn't watch this."

"Agh! Darn it! We can't just leave him here! ... AYYYOOOAHHHH!" I cried.

Despair creeping into my chest, I took in the sight before me. I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do against the entire government. My brother... all those other brothers... and sisters... no one was going to help.

It felt like I couldn't breathe. Through some stroke of luck, I managed to catch Rachel waving to me from the corner of the spaceport.

"Hey! Wind! Over here!" she called, quietly.

Making sure no one noticed me, I hurried over to her. Zim and Demongo were there as well, but they had her wave since her arms are so freakishly long and that.

"Was that your brother who just got on?" asked Demongo.

"Yeah," I said, fighting the tears back. "They're going to kill him, I just know they will."

"We were supposed to have a guy on the inside," Rachel said, "a Caesar Salazar. But they stripped him of his clothes once he got in - and thus, removed his bug."

"They're _stripping_ them?!" I asked, and burst completely into tears.

Zim was about to say something along the lines of "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF HUMAN" but he kept his trap shut. Then I swallowed, and signed, "I'm going."

"You're... you're what?" they asked. They still were learning ASL so they thought I'd said something else yikes...

"I'm going. Right now. Find a way to get me on that ship."

"Wind, are you insane?" Zim asked, before quickly adding, "Wait, don't answer that, I already know."

Shooting a glare at his teammate, Demongo said, "Trying to board the vessel with all those fusions around would be suicice, Wind! You cannot be serious!"

"That bastard Fuse is going to murder my brother!" I signed angrily. "I can't just let them take him!"

"What about your baby? I thought you wanted to wait?" Rachel asked.

"Forget the stupid baby! I didn't want to get pregnant anyway!" I lied, I actually did want my child (sorry unborn child) but the horror that was unfolding on the tarmac was too much to ignore. "Just do your jobs and get me on the ship so I can do mine!"

The Planetheads looked at each other, a little taken aback by my insistence. But, Zim sighed. "Alright. Follow me, and keep your hands shut."

I nodded, and we tiptoed through the tulip-covered tarmac (sheesh they'd really let this place go) and quickly hid behind the air traffic control tower. Observing the situation by the ship, we saw the last few humans being rounded up - including my borther.

"DOUBLE-DOUBLE-U!" I screamed, except I couldn't, 'cause I couldn't speak. I'd never been so grateful for my brain damamge hm.

My brother walked up to the fusion guards stationed at the livestock loading entrance. They were fusions and thus had no concept of facial expressions, but he kenw they were radiating hatred toward him. As he was herded inside, one of them struck him across the arse with his stun gun.

"EWFPIUVE NEWIESNVoiseNSNDE!" it shouted (this translated to "That is for your insolence, cow-human!")

Double-Double-U stumbled into the ship, and they slid the door down roughly to seal the humans inside. After, the guards began marching to the front of the ship to board from a nicer entrance.

"This is our chance," Zim whispered. "Hurry. We can try and slip into the cargo hold."

I nodded. Making sure none of the Earth soldiers were watching, we hurried (hey does anyone remember the show Skunk Fu? It looked kind of funky but the panda coot was cool I guess. I remember thinking the show was a lame-o attempt to cash in on Krunk Fu Panda's success but then I found out that Kung Fu Panda came _after_ that show... but the show wasn't nearly as popular and only lasted like a season or something. I also found the characters confusing and even thought the tiger was a girl I just found out he wasn't. As with most shows with conflict I didn't root for the protagonist I found him annoying and I think he deserved to get his arse whooped. But maybe that's why I got along with Zim so well, because I was always rooting for him instead of Dip. Speaking of, where was that guy?) across the tarmac and under the ship, where the hole to the cargo hole was located.

"Here, this is the porthole," said Zim, poitning up at the locked-up-tight hol. Kinda like Vilgax's hole, before he met Ben. Er sorry for that

Zim grabbed hole of the wheel on the door to the hole and was able to wrench it open. Some boxes of mallomars came falling out. "Quickly - now is your chance!" he hissed, before... disaster struck.

The ship's engines roared to life, and the engies were in the front and so were the exhausts. The bottom of the ship was engulfed in flames, but that wasn't the worst part. Oh, no, for the worst part was, as I tried so desperately to wriggle inside the tiny hole, the ship's cannons fired huge amounts of fusion matter all over the spaceport. The kickback from the cannons and the turbulence caused me to lose my grip and I fell fifteen feet back onto the asphalt. Miraculously, I was physically fine. But emotionally...

_Fuck it!_ I pounded my fist against the ground, quickly bloodying it. _Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it!_

Then I became aware of moaning from beside me. About to snap at Zim that this was not the time to be diddling himself I looked over and saw no... he was covered in fusion matter. And in severe pain.

"Z-Zim?!" I signed, he wasn't able to see it of course his eyes were shut and even then his eyelids were starting to swell. I tried to wipe the toxic goo off of him and I got most of it off, but he started screaming loudly badly. Hearing the soldiers approaching, I picked him up and hurried as fast as I could back to the others.

"Wind!" Demongo exclaimed. "You didn't get on the- gasp!"

"Zim?!" Rachel cried, startled.

I handed him to her and signed, "He got splattered with the fusion matter the ship fired. I... I wasn't able to get on."

"WE CAN TELL!" she snapped, before, to my surprise, falling into racking sobs over her teammate's corpse.

* * *

Back in the monster truck, Rachel and I sat in silence as she monitored Zim's vital signs. Demongo was downstairs in the sleeping quarters "talking" with Mom. Wade was in the rec room eating pretzels or something.

"Why did he react that way?" I asked Rachel. "I mean, I know fusion matter hurts, but he was practically catatonic after only a few seconds of exposure."

After a few moments, she replied, "Irkens are more sensitive to fusion matter than humans are. He's suffered severe external injuries, as well as internal, from the exposure."

Her expression was deeply troubled. I dared to ask, "Is... is he going to make it?"

She didn't respond.

* * *

The trip to Planet Fusion hadn't taken as long as everyone thought it would. For Wallabee, though, he barely even noticed the passage of time. He didn't care. He had surrendered himself to the fusions willingly.

At the moment, he and the thousands of other first-borns were locked up in cages in a massive underground prison complex, stark naked in the chilly subterranean air. He payed little attention to his cellmates, their cries and screams and curses echoing throughout the cavern.

"Let us out!" "You promised us food and shelter!" "I want my mommy!"

Their pleas fell on deaf ears. There was only one person on his mind.

"Hey... aren't you Numbuh 4?" asked the person to his left.

Lifting his head a little, he saw a young man with white, curly hair, and yellow eyes. His face was almost bird-like. He looked familiar. "Call me Wallabee," he said. "Do I know you?"

"We met at my sister's funeral," the young man said, and gave a soft smile. "My name's Wally Walter."

"Oh, you're Wind's brother."

"Yeah. She told me a lot about you. She said you were a really great boss."

If only that was enough to bring some amount of feeling back to his heart. "Thanks. She told me how much she admired her older brother, too."

Wally was quiet, then asked, "Why are you here? Don't you have the Outpost to take care of?"

His beloved's tinkling laughter echoed in his mind. "I've got more important business here."

"Sir... you do understand we're never going home, right?" Wally asked.

Wallabee stared at his bare feet. Before Wind's brother got an answer, a loud, growling, sizzling noise got louder from the end of the hall. When it finally reached their cell, the 30 or so people inside saw that it was their captor.

Lord Fuse himself.

"Greetings, treats," he said, though no one could understand him. "How are you, I wonder? I have wondered this for such a long time..."

Then, he reached over the bars of the cell, and picked up one of the humans, who screamed in fear and pain from Fuse's flesh and tried to get free, but Fuse pierced his sharp fingers through the man's shoulder to keep his grip on him. Before all the imprisoned humans, he ate the man in several agonizing bites, until the only sound left was Fuse's own sizzling.

Wally stared up at the alien in horror, blood draining from his already-pale face. Wallabee, on the other hand, was completely calm.

"I know I'm not going home. I'm exactly where I want to be."


	73. Neville

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys... guys. Guess what. FusionFall is BACK! AGAIN! :D there's apparently an open-source server some people made? The project is called OpenFusion it's still a work in progress and some things aren't implemented yet but NPCs missions and chat are (but most monsters and fighting aren't in the game yet, so there's no way to actually complete most of the missions right now its just a sandbox I guess) but I'm so happy to see it back. a big thank you to the awesome people who took the time to do this! Everyone in the community is so talented I can't even. And all the fangames I've seen have been freaking fantastic. So hope you're having a great day, go play some FusionFall, maybe make some lemonade, and remember: re:fuse! :D

CHAPTER 70: NEVILLE

It was awful, seeing Zim laid out on the table in the med bay. Just like he was at Decter's- Eustace's hands. I wondered if he remembered his torture. I wondered if he forgave him.

As the days passed, I spent a lot of time studying the information the Planetheads had on the fusions in the med bay, so I could also be by Zim. Rachel was always there, by his side. Sometimes, she would just stare at his limp form, as if waiting for any twitch. Normally her face was always blank. These days you could clearly see melancholy behind her eyes. But she never expressed what she was feeling to anyone. Just kept it to herself.

It was this behavior that really _really_ convinced me they were in a relationship. You just don't get all torn up like that over a friend. At least, I never did, and tons of my friends had gotten hurt and died.

Zim wasn't dead yet, though. **Yet.**

Then one day, it was the day after my brother and Wallabee had been shipped off to what we could only imagine was their doom. We hadn't heard anything and were starting to get very worried. So when a panicked pounding sounding from the truck doors caught our attention, we hurried and answered it, hoping for any word on the first-borns.

Then we opened the door and it was friggin' Murdoc. "Wind!" he gasped.

"Ugh, just shut the door," I signed, turning away.

Demongo was about to do just that when the green-assed bastard (Murdoc) stuffed his foot in the doorpway to keep it ajar! Doing so crushed all the bones in his foot because Demongo is stronger than he looks and he screamed in pain, causing Demongo to open the door to check on him, and Murdoc done strode right in, despite his metatarsals being little more than little chips.

"Wind! I heard everything about what happened at the spaceport!" he exclaimed, walking up to me and gripping my shoulders. "What were you thinking?! You and the sprog could've gotten killed!"

"My brother was being sent to _Planet Fucking Fusion,_ you creep!" I snapped.

"Eeeew!" Demongo crowed, shrugging into his shoulders at my words.

"I couldn't have just let him go!" I snapped

"Oh? And where is your brother, hm? Was your reckless behavior justified?" Murdoc pressed.

I turned away. "They... they got him."

"Then it wasn't!"

"YOU BITCH!" I signed but he didn't really know what I said because I slapped him in the face! I was about to go in for another blow when Demongo held me back,

"Don't, Wind," he said, glaring at Murdoc, "he's not worth it."

"Okay, so maybe I'm a curdled cheese lump," Burgoc said, rolling his eyes, "but I'm also the fathah of your baby, so you could at least tell me about these cocked-up plans before you go through with 'em."

"This is _not_ your baby!" I signed. "This baby belongs to the greatest supervillain the world has ever known: Lou Pottington III!"

"Ugh, my dear, don't make me sick," Murdoc said, gagging. "That pansy couldn't possibly have gotten you knocked up. I mean, I don't doubt that you would sleep with him, but he's not nearly the specimen _I_ am, you understand."

"FUCK YOU!" I signed and was about to rip his face off like a chimp or something but Demongo still held onto me but his grip was slowly weakening.

The TV turned on in the med bay and we went in to see what was new in the neighborhood hm. The Mayor of Townsville was on, he looked like he hadn't slept at all last night but was trying his hardest to be cheerful to everyone.

"G-Good Morning, citizens of Townsville - and the rest of the world!" he declared. "Uh, we've been getting many requests for updates from the Fusions on the wellbeing of our firstborns, but... u-unfortunately, we have received no word yet... or even an acknowledgment of our requests..."

"oh no," I signed, trembling.

"But, as your dutiful mayor, I will do whatever I can to make sure our people are safe on the surface of Planet Fusion! We, uh, we would go there ourselves to check, but the massive splattering of fusion matter they left behind on our spaceport has gummed up the works for quite a while... if not permanently..."

"I knew there was a reason behind that spill!" I signed, slamming my fist into the counter. Rachel didn't react at all, just kept staring at Zim.

I started wondering if Arby's still sold those little mozzarella tots. Mmm... mozzarella tots. I think there was ham or bacon and or bacon inside them too. Suddenly I got hungry. But all we had in the minifridge were fucken' fried veggie straws. Zim bought them because he " _wanted to start eating healthier_ " bah. He's an Irken, they're not wired to eat healthy. But I was starved so I started munchin' on them anyway, I walked back into the med bay and Rachel yelled at me that the straws weren't mine.

I was about to show her the infamous Walter Wingsnap when suddenly a siren went off inside the truck and a red light started flashing. "What the heck is happening?!" I asked.

"There is a fusion attack beginning nearby!" Demonog cried, looking at a nearby radar huh it was right beside me I could've seen it... whoopsies.

Only Demongo and I jumped out, Rachel stayed behind. "Rachel! Get your ass out of that truck, we have to fight the aliens who kidnapped my brother!" I argued.

"I'm not going, she called monotonously from the med bay. "I'm not leaving Zim behind."

"UGH HE'S FREAKEN' COMATOSE HE WON'T MIND IF YOU COME AND HELP US FOR ONCE" I snapped but regretted my words once Murdoc came out after us.

"I'll come in her stead," he said. "Someone's got to keep an eye on you."

"UH, THAT'S OKAY, WE DON'T ACTUALLY NEED ANOTHER PERSON AFTER ALL!" I signed, laughing nervously.

"I'm not leaving your side. Not you, or the sprog's." he said firmly.

"NO" I responded. "YOU ARE A CREEP, YOU HAVE BEEN AFTER MY VAGINA FROM DAY ONE, YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE ONIONS (but that might be my fault haha!) AND FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS ISN'T YOUR BABY!"

"WIND!" Demongo snapped out f nowhere. "NO ONE CARES WHOSE CHILD IT IS! FRANKLY I'M SURPRISED IT TOOK YOU UNTIL AGE 18 TO GET PREGNANT! YOU SLEEP AROUND LIKE A FILTHY ALLEYCAT WITH ANYONE WHO ASKS, IT IS LIKELY A BEHAVIOR LEARNED FROM YOUR MOTHER CONSIDERING WHAT I KNOW OF HER, YOU LIKELY ARE FULL OF STDS NOT JUST CHLAMYDIA AT THIS POINT AND NEITHER YOU NOR THE REST OF US HAVE VERY LONG TO LIVE IF THE FUSIONS GET THEIR WAY, CAN YOU JUST SHUT YOUR UNGRATEFUL TRAP AND DO YOUR DUTY FOR THIS PLANET FOR ONCE?!"

Mursoc and I just looked at him for a moment. Then I signed. "Yeah... okay... sorry."


	74. Eat My Planet's Flesh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so there was nothing about whatever mission the Planetheads and Wind and Murdoc were supposed to be going on in the last chapter is just segues into this

CHAPTER 71: EAT MY PLANET'S FLESH

My 19th birthday came, and I turned 19. I even grew an inch taller woot! We all had delicious cake and presents (well I had them) and for my birthday sexual offering Murdoc stayed over. I was still mad at him but who am I to turn down free weiner.

The months went by and as me belly got bigger the Earth got smaller. Literally. Fuse's infectopn was beginning to slwoly erode away off the shores, nibbling them down like those freaky fish that eat dead skin cells off your body. (my grandma went to one place where they did these treatments they didn't help much.) It wasn't very noticeable right now but Dexter warned everyone what was happening. No one listened to him, but I'd stay over late at Dexlabs to hear his models and theories on where we were going to be with this war in two years.

In short - we will have lost.

Speaking of, my life clock was reaching its end too. My chlamydia would soon chlaim my life, but thankfully I would be able to delifer my baby before that happened. I planned on giving him or her up for adootpion to Juniper and Marie Lee, since they couldn't get pregnant naturally they were two women. I mean maybe they weren't trying hard enough. I have no idea.

But I was dying and angry. I screamed into my pillow and punched it, had to be careful not to punch myself. I thought my life was a shoitshow before, well things were only getting worse. I couldn't focus onanything and felt like everything I did was wrong. Mom tried baking me cupcakes but it just wasn't enough, even with pink buttercream frositng. I ate one and immediately burst into tears, which made Wade burst into tears, and then Mm only comforted me because she still doesn't want to believe that Wade is her son, so he started crying more and then I started crying more because I felt bad for him.

That night I curled up with a roast beef sandwich (at least meat will never leave me) and cried myself to sleep. I had two more months to go in my prargnency so I just had to keep trucking... no matter what was in store.

* * *

The next morning I was headed out to buy baby clothes but was stopped when I smelled something vile in the air, someone had apparently passed gas in the vicinity.

"Ew, yuck," I signed, and fanned around my nose.

I continued to the baby store, went in, started doing shopping. Then my nanocom wnet off. I had Feel Good Inc. (though I was currently Feel Miserable Corp) as my ringtone and the scary psychotic laughter turned on full blast frightened many people, caused some to faint and others to spontaneously give birth... even those who weren't pregnant. I ran out of the store because people were threatening me with pitchforks (must've been the Devil's Bluff crowd hm) and answered my nanocorm.

"Yes, hello?" I asked.

"Wind!" cried Dexter, he looked scared on the screen. "Wind, I need you in Candy Cove immediately - something is wrong with Stickybeard's ship!"

" _Ick, Stickybeard,_ " I signed, shivering. I had a run-in with that psycho as a child. His teeth were all rotted through and he had lollipops stuck in his facial hair (hence his name) but he'd eat them anyway and they were covered in hair... discusting...

"Now is not the time to fuss over how disgusting he is!" Dexter firmly. "You're a _soldier,_ Wind, and lives are in danger! The Sweet Revenge has been sailing full speed ahead to the Cove, but it hasn't shown any sign of stopping or turning. It could run aground and kill whoever is on the shore! Get down to the Cove at once!"

"I might be a soldier, but I'm also _Pregnant!_ " I snapped. "What, you want to put my baby in danger too?"

"If you actually cared about the safety of your offspring," Dexter said, raising his brow, "you wouldn't be sleeping around with anyone who offers."

"YEAH, WELL, I'M LONELY, OKAY?!" I argued. "THE FATHER HASN'T BEEN AORUND SINCE RAZ BIRTHED HIS BABY OUT OF _SOME UNKNOWN HOLE_ BECAUSE _FOR CRYING OUT LOUD PEOPLE HE'S A MAN_ AND SO I'VE BEEN ALL ALONE AND I HAVE NEEDS LIKE EVERY OTHER HUMAN SO DON'T ACT LIKE I'M SO LOATHSOME JUST BECAUSE I TAKE MY OPPORTUNITIES!"

"Who's Raz?!" Dexter asked, confused, but continued with "Anyway, yes, you're human, but you do take your sexual appetite to a disturbing degree."

"WHAT, AND YOU DON'T?!" I said but didn't really mean it, Dexter was always quite reserved (when he was in control of his own body hm) and I had to pracically beg him for dirty time when we were dating hm. He was just more focused on actually having an emotional relationship. Huh who would've guessed that was more important than hankypanky.

"No." he said simple, mildly annoyed by my carrying on. "I have more self-restraint. I don't go around humping the legs of every warm (and likely cold too I know you Wind) body, like an unfixed dog."

The image of Dexter actually humping someone's leg permeated the last bastion of a happy place in my mind, I was now permanently disturbed. Huh took long enough "OKAY, YES, THERE WAS THAT _ONE_ TIME WITH MURDOC, HE DIED AND WAS COLD AND I GAVE HIM CLAM-TO-WEENIE RESUSCITATION TO SAVE HIS LIFE, BUT OTHER THAN THAT I AM NOT A DEVIANT!"

"I shouldn't have implied you were one, Wind," Dexter said, embarrassed. "I am sorry."

"UGH, IT'S... IT'S FINE."

"ANYWAY... I'LL HEAD OVER TO CANDY COVE NOW."

"Thank you, Wind. Let me know as soon as you get there."

I hung up my nanocom and in my anger chucked it into the street, it got hit by a truck and destroyed. I was so fockin mad. I stormed my way over to Candu Cove with my ass in my hands, steaming over what Dexter had said to me. I was pregnant for crying out loud. My ankles hurt and I wanted a rack of ribs. Why couldn't he have gotten anyone else to do this. But worst of all, how dare he imply I'm easy.

So anyway I walked my fat pregnant ass out to Candy Cove. Sure enough, I spotted The Sweet Revenge charging just a few miles off the coast - and it was covered in fusion matter! At least, the port side was. (that's the left side)

"DEXTER I'M AT THE COVE," I shouted, scared for the obewse pirathe, "THE SHIP IS MOVIN' FAST!"

Dexter didn't pick up (was probably wanking around that idiot) so I cursed, ripped my nanocom off my wrost and through it on the ground it was only a distarction at this point. I jumped into the water and began swam up to the ship, using me Numbuh Two nano to hurry. Once where I thus got a hold of the side and used my Wilt nano to jump up onto the deck.

The deck was flooded with fusion spawns, they tried to eat my flesh but I fought them off with my cherry pop guns. I missed my dreihander - it was always better for my combat style. But it was in its final resting place in the catacombs so I just had to work with what I had. When I'd swabbed the deck of spawns, I ran over to the captain's quarters.

Upon opening the door I found the stairwell to be covered in fusion matter. Stepping carefully so as not to slip, I made my way down and entered the cabin, and there, across the big desk, was a big chair. It was turned around, until I entered.

"Ye'll never take me alive, fusion landlubbers!" yelled Stickybeard, aiming a gumball gun right at me.

_Oh great, here we go again,_ I thought, and quickly began talking him down. "Captain Stickybeard! It is I, Wind Walter, commander of the Dexlabs army, and I am here to rescure you! I just killed all the fusion monsters on the deck!"

"I don't believe that for a second!" Stickybeard snapped, and I took notice of something big... _crawling_ along the ceiling. It seemed to be headed for him. "I know for a fact ye've been sent here to kill me, ye're a lackey of those no-good Jellybean Jane and her sugar daddy Brittle Butter!"

"Why would butter be brittle?!" I asked, but was more concerned about that thing on the ceiling. As it passed by the windows, I saw that its flesh... was green. But I still didn't exactly feel like warning Stockybeard, he was mean.

"Down on ye're knees!" he commanded, and I cooperated to save my baby. "I'll make sure those two no-good scallywags learn never to go against Stickybeard - I'll shove yer arse full o' candy canes and see who's laughing then-"

Suddenly the figure on the ceiling dropped down right behind Stickybeard had a knife to his neck. My eyes adjusted and I saw that the figure was not indeed fusion, at least, he had black eyes instead of red. "Threatening a pregnant woman," he said, good gravy his voice sounded like his vocal chords had been run through a cheese grater. "I hope you can redeem yourself on the other side."

Then he killed him, sliced his throat open right there wh-what the fuck?! Candy and blood went everywhere, it was a most horrific sight. But that was only the beginning.

The strange man walked up to me, and put his hand out. "Do not worry, Miss. You are safe now."

I looked up, dang he was pretty. His shirt had a plunge to it that was almost far down enough to see his nipples... only it was in the middle of his shirt so you still couldn't see them but still. Shaking, I accepted his hand - his skin, it felt reptilian. Who was this man. This fine specimen of masculinity.

"Th... thanks for the help," I said, trying to calm the lava eruption that was occurring down south.

"No need to thank me, Miss," he said. "I was sent here to eliminate Stickybeard, so he wouldn't hurt any more innocents like you."

I licked my lips, they were suddenly so dry. "C-Commander Wind Walter, of the Dexlabs army."

"What about her?"

"I am her."

"Oh!" he said, embarrassed. After clearing his throat, but it still didn't soothe the roughness of his voice, he introducked himself. "My name is Thane Krios, I am an alien for hire."

"A-ALIEN?!" I asked, grabbing around for my guns?!

"No, no! I am not a fusion!" he assured quickly before he had to cut my throat too. "I am a drell, I wish no harm upon your species or planet."

"Oh, good," I said, and, pupils dilated, I reached out to his chest. "Because if you _did_ mean harm, I'd have to kill that wonderful ass right there..."

He was taken aback at first, as would be expected, but then he said, "You... you find me attractive?"

" _ **Uh-huh,**_ " I said, my voice airy. My libido was catching up to me I hadn't had sex in months.

"I" Thane said, he blushed a dark green at his cheeks. "That is... very kind of you to say, Commander Walter. I must admit, I... find you rather lovely, yourself."

" _Mate with me,_ " I demanded.

"I... I can't!" he said, turning away. "I... I haven't lain with anyone since my wife died... it's been so long... I'm not even sure if it works anymore..."

" **Well, what do you feel down there, right now?** " I asked.

"... tightening"

" **Then do you think it still works?** "

After a few seconds, he gave a small smile. "... yes."

He leaned down and kissed me, and we started making out and remembered Stickybeard's corpse was _right there._ _And his eyes were open and he was staring right at us._ So we jumped ship, literally, and headed onto dry land, where we began ripping our clothes off and I got to see the beautiful wasteland that was his chest and abdominal area. We snogged for a little more before I finally decided enough was enough.

"MUST... **BREED...** " I hissed.

"I will not keep you waiting any longer," he said, and yanked off his pleather pants, and I tore off my skirt and lace undies. He rammed his dino-cock into me, we made love, there, on the beach, rolling around in the weeds. It felt like making love to an alligator purse.

As we slammed the house I screamed in pleasure and he moaned in pleasure and exertion. I was overcome with ecstasy. I felt like I was on LSD. I sucked his face like it was a smoothie and he cried out this was all so sudden, but his body kept saying yes. He didn't even realize I was pregnant until now hm. But that didn't stop him.

Nearby fusion monsters stopped their infecting the ground to stare at us in shock. Hamsters screamed in fear. I could clearly hear Konoha's State of the World as we flailed around and tore each other to pieces sexually. I was genuinely afraid that I would eat his head like a praying mantis (his green skin was making me think of them)

Finally, after rolling around in the dirt like horny burros he screamed in pain and joy as he reached climax and so did I, or at least, I thought we both did. Because instead of fainting in joy, he went limp in death in my arms.

"Th... Thane?" I asked, and tried to wake him, shook him around and slapped his face a little but he wasn't responding. "Thane?!"

"Wind?!" cried a familiar voice, but it wasn't thane.

I looked up. The Sweet Revenge had wrecked while we were lovemaking, so that meant I failed my mission darn, but I couldn't see any living persons on the beach so I looked the other way. Dexter was on the scene, as were Demongo and a whole bunch of people I didn't recognize. One of them, a human woman (at least she _looked_ human) asked, "What's going on over there?!" but stopped short along with the rest of the strangers with her once she saw us.

There I was, stark naked, under the ice-cold body of an alien alligator-man, he hadn't even exited me yet. And for all they knew, I had killed him.

" _Uh-oh._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah also Mass Effect gets dragged in because nothing is sacred


	75. Commander Vs Commander

CHAPTER 72: COMMANDER VS. COMMANDER

Well to my misfortune it turned out that woman was none other than Commander Shepard, an extremely-strong soldier who was trying to save the world with her alien team from the fusions, who were also alien? But her aliens weren't on his side so it was okay.

When they all learned about what had happened on that there beach, the spindly guy with them, Dr. Solus, fainted. It was just too much for him. Thankfully he was caught by the strong arms of Wrex. Oh great we all know where this is going. Unfortunately, Cmd Shepard told me that Thane was also dying, due to a disease, I got scared but she said it wasn't contagious, but his body was very weak and I'd made it worse with the... ahem... _activity._

" _Wind!_ " Dexter snapped, he tried to storm up to me and shake me shoulders but I was still nude because I'd lost my clothes (maybe that's why Dr. Solus fainted) so he kept his distance to be respectful, even though we'd had sex in the past but that was in the past we were no longer together. " _You just killed a man by sleeping with him!_ "

"Well... at least he went out with a bang," said Ashley, trying to lighten the mood, but it didn't help, everyone still hated her.

"You make it sound like I did it on purpose!" I retorted. "He didn't tell me he was sick, if he had I wouldn't have pursued him!"

"DON'T YOU TURN THIS AROUND ON HIM!" Shepard shouted. "Thane was a good man! You murdered him with your vagina and now you must pay the price!"

"For crying out loud, lady, my planet's being torn apart by aliens, and I'm dying myself, how much more suffering do you wish to foist upon me?!" I asked.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Dr. Solus "look fine other than unable to speak."

"I have BRAIN DAMAGE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I snapped. "BUT MORE IMPOTANTLY THAN THAT, I HAVE CHLAMYDIA!"

Everyone _gasped._ "You have chlamydia, and yet you slept with Thane?! Did you even tell him?!" Shepard asked.

"Uh" I said, realizing that no, I hadn't "It never came up"

"YOU SELFISH WHORE!" she screamed, and was about to cut my face off when Dexter stepped between us.

"Commander, please, _please!_ " he said. "I am terribly sorry for the loss of your teammate - truly, I am. It is a horrible thing to experience, trust me, I know. Wind is a harlot, we can all agree on that, even she, but will severely disfoguring her bring Mr. Krios back?!"

Shepard was about to lop off his butt cheeks and then go for my face next but she slowly lowered her machete. "No... I suppose it won't."

But then she gotall up in my face "But you won't be getting away with this. I'm taking you in for Thane's murder. Even if you didn't know that the excitement could kill him, you should've told him you were an STD cache."

"NO PLEASE!" I begged. "I CAN'T GO TO JAIL! I HAVE A FAMILY! I'M IN THE ARMY! I'M _PREGNANT!_ "

"You're not going to _jail,_ " Shepard said with a sneer, "you're going to _prison._ "

* * *

I was thrown in the slammer, it was a different slammer than the one my mom was in though. When it was time for my trial, I was wheeled into the courtroom like freakin' Hannibal Lecter, shipped in like a ham I say, in a straightjacket and I had an electric muzzle like a bark collar on my face, and they put my vagina in a chastity belt to make sure it wouldn't kill anyone else hm.

The same judge who sentenced my mother was there, he was the judge for my trial. Hannibal Lecter was actually in the audience, as was Demongo. Shep was alone behind the plaintiff's desk, she must've been reperesenting herself and she was still wearing her armor. Her whole crew was sitting behind her. There was also one guy who looked a lot like Thane, but he was wearing a propeller beanie and holding a swirly lollipop. Rachel was sitting on the defendant's side of the courtroom, she was my lawyer. Wow, she sure did learn all sorts of interesting stuff in Bikini Bottom.

"What are you doing here?" I tried to ask but my muzzle electrocuted my vocal chords, I then remembered I couldn't even speak anymore why was I even trying to?! And what idiot had decided to put a muzzle on the mute girl?!

"If you're asking why I'm here, Wind," Rachel said, "it's because no one else would represent you. But still, you're my teammate - even though Zim is still unconscious, I should be here to help you."

"Thank you," I tried to say but there went my vocal chords again, as if they weren't fried enough.

"Alright, I call this trial to open," said the judge, he banged his javelin on his desk, but then noticed someone had replaced it with a jelly donut as a prank. Jelly went everywhere, spilled all across his desk, and powdered sugar flew into the air. Your Honor was shocked, and any other time would've appreciated the joke, but he was stressed and scared from the ivasion (plus he had lost his eldest daughter to the round up) and it came out as anger. "WHO DID THIS?!" he shouted.

The intern was tossed before the judge's stand, it was just some kid with a pocket protector.

"JAMES! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!" Your Honor shouted.

"I-I didn't mean no harm by it, Your Honor!" James said quickly. "I-It was only to make you laugh!"

"How dare you misplace a judge's gavel!" Your Honor bellowed. "TURN HIM INTO PULLED PORK!"

"YOUR HONOR! PLEASE! I DIDN'T MEAN TO INSULT ANYONE!" James cried, but he was hauled away by the bailiffs and taken into a back room. We heard a machine buzzing and bloodcurdling screams. Then, after a few moments, they stopped, and all that was left was the machine buzzing.

Your Honor was breathing heavily, riled up by the situation, but he took a deep breath and calmed down. "My... my apologies, everyone... ahem... now... what is your issue with Commander Walter, Commander Shepard?" he asked.

"This filthy, diseased monster killed one of my teammates," Shep said, pointing at me, disgust clear on her face. "And because of her, Thane's poor son is now orphaned!"

The dude in the audeince who looked like my late sex partner started crying, he was apparently Thane's son. He looked like an adult so I guessed that his father's team had bought him the beanie and lollipop to make this day a little easier for him. Tali patted his shoulder and tried to comfort him.

"Objection," Rachel spoke up. "Mr. Krios was already dying from a disease he couldn't have contracted from Wind - Kuiper's syndrome, and it had progressed to the point where he only had weeks to live."

"Do you have any proof of this?" asked Your Honor.

"His physician is right here," Rachel said. "I call Dr. Mordin Solus to the stand."

Everyone in the crowd gasped, because they all found him adorable. He was unused to this attention though and double-timed it up to the witness box.

"So, Dr. Solus, could you give us Thanke Krios' full health report?" Rachel asked, pacing in front of the box.

"Can't," he said, nervous, looking around the room - specifically in Shep's direction. "Doctor-patient confidentiality."

"Need I remind you, Doctor," Rachel said, narrowing her eyes, "Thane Krios is _dead,_ and my client here could have what's left of her life ruined."

"What do you mean, what's left?" Your Honor asked.

"Wind has chlamydia, and like Mr. Krios, has only weeks left of her life," Rachel said. "What, you didn't hear? I thought everyone knew by now."

"See?!" Shep snapped, pounding her fist into the desk, she broke it in half. "Commander Walter is nothing but a petri dish of salaciousness and tragedy!"

"But chlamydia doesn't kill in seconds," Rachel argued. "This was, as far as we know, Mr. Krios' only meeting with Commander Walter. In the commander's case, she has been sick for many years - and they were only having sex for roughly three minutes when Mr. Krios died."

"Heh, roughly is right," I laughed under my muzzle but you know the drill.

"So, Dr. Solus," Rachel continued, turning back to the doctor, "tell us Mr. Krios' medical history, as well as what you found during your autopsy."

"Well, when you put it that way," he said, "You are correct, Thane was suffering from drell-specific disease. Unable to be transferred to humans, so you are safe, Commander Walter."

I tried to give a thumbs-up but the straightjacket was in the way

"Determined cause of death was advancement of Kuiper's syndrome. Lungs were full of water from humid air around beach. Also found... ahem... termites in groin area."

Everyone in the courtroom gasped and looked at me. I struggled to defend myself, finally the bailiff unsheathed my arms. About time! I signed "Okay, yes, I have termites! I got them from a bastard tree I had a one-afternoon-stand with, he told me they weren't contagious but that was a big fat lie! I regret it every day, but they're not deadly!"

That was true, they weren't deadly, but they sure were annoying because they don't go away even if you shave. Everyone was mortified. Tali fainted.

"I... I am repulsed, Commander," Your Honor barely managed to squeak. "But... the defense is right. Unless drell are especially sensitive to chlamydia and termites, _*gag*,_ Mr. Krios couldn't have been killed by Commander Walter."

"Not finished yet, Your Honor," said Dr. Solus. "Advancement of Kuiper's syndrome likely caused by intercourse. Body stressed. Lungs started failing faster than otherwise."

"So it WAS her fault!" Shep shouted, and Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Commander Walter, did Mr. Krios tell you he was sick?" asked Your Honor.

"He did, Your Honor," I replied, "but he didn't tell me that having sex could be deadly for him! If he had told me, I wouldn't have doen him!" I pointed at the doctor. "I told you this on the beach!"

"If Mr. Krios did not tell Commander Walter how bad his disease was, I'm afraid he has only himself to blame for his death," Your Honor decided. "Commander Walter, I find you not guilty." And he banged his jelly donut.

"NOO!" cried Shep, we all turned to face her. She was... crying? "How... how does she get to go free for this? She took my Thane... my friend! My teammate!"

"Commander Shepard?" I asked, knowing all too well the reaction I was witnessing. "Were you and Thane... lovers?"

Immediately, Shpe looked nervous. "Uh... why?! He, he was an alien!"

"I'm an alien too, Shepard," Garrus said, confused. "But... we've been dating for years..."

"Uhh..." Shep said, looking around at everyone staring at her.

"Commander Shepard, need I remind you that you are under oath?" asked Your Honor. "Tell us, was there more to your relationship with the late Mr. Krios than just commander and subordinate?"

Shep's eyes darted around, but before she could say anything, Rachel said to Mordin, "Dr. Solus, you are the physician for the whole Normandy, correct? So, you would be the one your teammates would ask for interspecies romantic advice?"

"Indeed," he said, nodding.

"Well, then," she said, turning back to Shep, "Commander, if you do not tell us yourself, we will have to learn all the details from your doctor." I imagined this included any rashes she may have gotten from Thane (and yes I knew from first-hand experience) and I really didn't want to hear about it

But it. worked. Shep hung her head. "... yes. Thane was my... my boyfriend."

"Shepard!" Garrus cried, standing up. "How could you do this to me?!"

"Just look at yourself, garrus!" Shep snapped. "Not only can I see inside your mouth from the side of your head, but you were always so wimpy when it came to romance! You had no idea what to do! I had to give you precise instructions on how to do coitus!"

"I'm tuiran! How was I supposed to know humans don't pierce their lovers' backs during coitus?! I didn't want to accidentally kill you!"

"Well, I just needed someone a little more intuitive than you, Garrus," Shep said, folding her arms and turning away. "I'm sorry."

Garrus began crying, and ran out of the courthouse. Everyone felt so bad for him. He seemed like such a sweet chap. With me found innocent, I was removed of my shackles, but was warned that if one more person was found dead from my coitus, I would be thrown back in the slammer. We all went for lunch together, the Normandy's crew and Your Honor and Hannibal Lecter and the members of The Planetheads who were conscious. We went to Subway and got some slammin' sandwiches. It looked almost like that scene at the end of The Avengers but the restaurant wasn't destroyed so it was even better. Unfortunately Liara couldn't handle Earth food and she died at the table. I jumped away and signed "I DIDN'T DO IT!" but Mordin made it clear that Liara had simply been poisoned by the ingredients.

We all went home after that, though I saw Mordin and Wrex take a detour into the woods. Huh wonder what they were doing. But The Planetheads and I went back to the monster truck, Zim was still unconscious big surprise, so we went to bed to get some rest before doing more planning tomorrow.

When I entered my room, Murdoc was there. "Hey, love," he said, startling me I pissed myself a little. "How was the trial?"

"I'm free," I said, "Stupid idiot Shepard tried to get me in the big house, but thankfully I had a pretty good Atlantean lawyer."

"Yeah," Murodc said, looking to the floor, looking a little sad. "Wind... I know we got off on the wrong foot. And my involvement with the Cult of Gwapanotka certainly didn't make me any better in your eyes... but I don't want to see anything happen to you." He took a few steps up to me. "Even... even if it's not my sprog... I want to be there for you, Wind."

I looked at him. I still didn't like him, he was a jackass. But maybe he wasn't as big of a jackass as I'd originally thought? "Murdoc... I'm still in a relationship with Lou. At least... I hope I am."

"I know," he said. "But, he walked out on you - you deserve so much better, Wind. I know I'm not much, but, if he doesn't come back, I just want you to know that I'm always here."

Carefully, he stepped up so that we had less than a foot between us. After studying his shy, scared face for a few moments, I pulled him close and snogged him deeply.

That night, I got to see what Murdoc's hips could really do.

* * *

"... and remember when you tricked Demongo into eating that slime-filled donut?" Rachel said, sitting next to Zim's hospital bed. She laughed at the memory. "I still think you should've saved that one for the Tallest. They're assholes. You deserve so much better."

Coming down from her laughter, she took another look at her friend. Zim was still, but his heartbeat beeped on a nearby monitor. Seeing him hooked up like this, helpless and teetering on the edge of life, caused her to grow solemn.

"You may be a loudmouth, but you're my closest friend in this world," she whispered, carefully reaching out to hold his tiny, green hand. "You never judged me on my height, on my mutations... you're the only person I've told why I'm this way."

Choking up, she let go of his hand to grab at her own head, trying to fight back the shuddering sobs. "I'm not ready to lose you, Zim! You're all I have left in this horrible world! I'd do anything for you - I'd go back to that watery hellhole if it meant you'd be okay!" Tears dripped onto the bed. "You... you promised me you'd never leave me behind..."

More tears poured down her face, and her weeping drowned out the sound of the monitor. Suddenly, there was a tiny noise.

"Zim?!" she asked, looking up at her friend.

Zim was still motionless, his eyes closed. Then, his lips parted.

"Stop your crying, you're going to burn me alive with your sadness drops."


	76. Life of the Fish Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm sorry. we have moar crossover.

CHAPTER 73: LIFE OF THE FISH GIRL

Murdoc and I entered the cafeteria the next morning to find that Zim had awakened from his coma, much to the delight of everyone on the truck. I was certain this miracle was the result of Murdoc's and my fantastic sex last night. The wonders we crafted in my quarters had healed Zim and brought him back to us.

I was about to say we head out to the bar for a round of early drinks but Rachel said, "Wind, we've worked together for quite a while now - and, to celebrate Zim's recovery, I want to share something with you."

"Oh what's that?" I asked I hoped it was alcohol.

She smiled, a little nervous. "It's the story of what happened after rehearsal for Romeo and Juliet."

I was shocked, was I really going to learn about Atlantis?! "Did you live in an aquarium?!"

" _No,_ " she hissed between her teeth, trying so hard to keep her smile out of politeness. "I was... well... when I was in the hospital following my heart attack, the government caught wind of my unusual medical profile. And I was taken for research."

"Research?" I asked. "I don't understand."

"Wind," she said, "I'm not from Atlantis, Atlantis doesn't exist. I'm from a city called Rapture."

* * *

A little girl walked soullessly through the control rooms of Hephaestus, guarded by a gigantic, hulking beast that was no longer anything human. Stuck in a trance, she knelt down beside a corpse to drain it of its blood, but once her job was complete and she looked around for her guardian, she found herself alone.

"... Mr. Bubbles?" she called.

She walked around the massive engine powering the dying city, glowing yellow eyes scanning her surroundings. As she walked up some metal stairs, she caught sight of something that made her drop her syringe.

Mr Bubbles was lying on the ground, dead in a massive, charred heap. Haw haw haw.

"Mr. Bubbles?!" the girl cried, running to her protector. "No, please - don't leave me alone!"

As she wept, a man approached her. "It's okay, kid! You're free now! I just gotta give you this emetic and you'll be-"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" the girl shrieked, but was administered the emetic. After barfing up the slug implanted in her belly, she slowly realized that the wonderland she thought she lived in... was nothing but a rusted, rotten waste.

And she finally remembered her own name: Rachel Andersdotter.

The man who saved her, a friendly sort named Jack, rescued her from the awful underwater city of Rapture, and raised her - along with a handful of other girls - as his own. Unfortunately, her happy life didn't last very long, as when she started to grow, the long-term effects of her time as a Little Sister became apparent. She had reached puberty while still in the thrall, causing her limbs to grow gangly and slim from the ADAM exposure. By the time she was in junior high school, she was almost as tall as her adoptive father.

Everything came crashing down again during a rehearsal for _Romeo and Juliet._ As she was the only Little Sister to ever be freed while undergoing puberty, no one, not even Dr. Tenenbaum knew what could happen, and the sudden disconnect to her ADAM supply left her with a severely weakened heart. As she screamed at the top of her lungs from dealing with her demanding principal, Rachel had a heart attack right there on stage, and was rushed to the hospital.

The Doctors and nurses couldn't believe their eyes when her bloodwork came back, and somehow, word of her physiology made it to the government. General Specific ordered that she be brought to his base, and there she was kept for study for several years, until she honed her powers to the point where she could escape, accidentally killing most of the people inside and she felt bad about that, but then General Specific came after her with a grenade launcher and she had to book it man!

After her explosive exit, she caught the attention of a certain Ford Cruller. despite not being a traditional psychic, her powers were similar enough for him to offer her training for the Psychonauts. Grateful for the chance at a new life, she accepted.

Even though she was safe, she never dared contact her family to let them know she was alright, as she didn't want Specific to come after them too. As far as they knew, she died on the set of _Romeo and Juliet._ And she was fine with them believing that, if it meant they were safe.

Then, one day, she met a strange, flame-headed demon in a bar, and they got to talking about the Fusion War. When one drunk guy tried to feel the demon up, Rachel threw him across the room with her powers. Impressed, and grateful, her new friend asked if she wanted to use her abilities to help make a difference in the war.

And in that moment, Rachel had finally found her purpose.

* * *

"... so that's what happened after the play," she said. "Demongo and I found Zim trying to stay overnight at a grocery store a couple weeks after, and now, here I am."

"Yeah that's great," I signed, rummaging around the fridge, "hey, anyone seen the pickles?!"

Rachel sighed in annoyance. "Bottom shelf."

"Yeahyeahyeahyeah," I signed, salivating as I pulled out the jar and opened that bitch up.

After we all had some pickles, we were startled by a loud electric guitar outside, and bad singing! Peering out the windows of the truck, we saw...Lou?

"Lou?!" I signed, running out to greet him, but then I reelized what he was playing. It was _When I Get Home, You're So Dead_ by Mayday Parade. There was only one reason he would be playing this - he'd learned of my sleeping with Thane. And/or Murdoc.

"No, Lou!" I signed, crying. "I couldn't help it! The pregnancy is giving me weird sexual mood swings!"

"Don't make excuses," Zim hissed.

"I AM NOT, YOU GREEN WANKER!" I snapped.

"OH?! AND I THOUGHT YOU _LIKED_ GREEN WANKER, CONSIDERING THANE AND MURDOC!"

"And tree wanker," Rachel added.

" _Not helping,_ " I sign-grumbled.

When Lou finished up the song, he smashed the guitar into the ground, screaming wimpily but also we knew he was heartbroken and hurt. When it was over, he left the scene.

"... _fuck_ " I crimbled, falling to my knees as tears rolled down my cheeks. " _He's gone. He's actually gone._ "

"Wind, it's okay," Demongo said, placing his hand on my shoulder. "He deserves so much better than you. Or, er, wait, oops, I mean-"

"Smooth," Rachel said, rolling her eyes.

I fell into wracking sobs. The love of my life, he was gone, gone forever. He really had left me and our baby this time. But this time, it was all my fault.

"Wind... I'm so sorry," uttered gutterally Murdoc, from beside me, "I know what it's like to lose someone close to you. Granted, mine died, but still."

"Th... thank you, Murdoc," I smiled. Maybe... things really wouldn't be as bad with Lou out of the pciture.


	77. Wind Walter and the Horror-Filled Wank-Fest

CHAPTER 74: WIND WALTER AND THE HORROR-FILLED WANK-FEST

Have you ever seen Dexter in a leather catsuit? Did you ever want to?

Anyway I was in bed with the Common Cold after stopping him from robbing a store I was shopping in. He'd said "This is a robbery! Put all the cold medicine in the bag! Put it in the bag! PUT IT IN, I SAY!" and I laughed, since I thought of "put it in" in the same terms as what I'd told Murdoc last night. My giggly caught the Cold's attention, and first he looked like he was going to eviscerate me like he'd threatened the cashier but turns out he thought I was hot, we got to talking and wound up talking with our gonads instead. As it goes.

"Wow, I never thought having sex with an old man could be so much fun!" I said, then looked to my side and saw he was dead. "... _not again!_ "

Dexter found out and ordered a clean-up crew of Dexbots to handle the scene, and I was called into his office at Declabs. "Wind!" he shouted, banging his fist into his desk (it squeaked 'cause he's just so tiny) "How many times am I going to have to cover up for you when you kill someone with sex?!"

"I didn't do it on purpose"! I defended. "Yeah, I guess he was old and sick, but he was an adult he knew the risks!"

"Damn it, Wind!" Dexter snapped, then pinched the bridge of his nose. "Commander Shepard nearly got you thrown in prison for killing her teammate. We narrowly got you out of there free. I still have to make weekly reports on your activities, because the whole country's concerned about your promiscuity!"

"Why? Does all of America want in my pants?" I asked, checking my nails.

"This is serious, Wind!" Dexter argued. "Do you know what Shepard said she wanted to do to you before the trial? She said she wanted to have your vagina cut off, and mounted, over her fireplace!"

"She has a fireplace on her ship?"

Dexter sighed, slamming his head into his desk. After several deep breaths, he straightened up a little and glared at me. "Wind, you are under my command, so I am ordering you, keep your diseased vagina on a leash. If you murder one more person with that dangerous thing, evil or not, I'll have no choice but to hand you over to the authorities. I'm not going to risk my life covering for you anymore."

"I never asked for you to cover for me!" I snapped. "If your life is _so important,_ _Sir Finster,_ maybe you shouldn't be bothering with this war, unlike the soldiers on the ground like ME who put our asses on the line every day!"

"I bust my ass every day so soldiers like you can stay alive out there," he countered, "but _you're_ the one wasting her life with irresponsible behavior, and now look! You've got chlamydia and Lord knows what else, on top of being knocked up at nineteen!"

"THAT'S IT, FINSTER!" I signed, my hands were shaking so badly from pure anger. "I'VE HEARD ENOUGH! I'M GOING ON PATROL!"

"YOU HAD BETTER NOT GO PATROLLING SOMEONE'S GENITALS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, COMMANDER!" Dexter added before I slammed the door shut.

I couldn't believe this. What a jerk. I fight for my planet and nearly die then actually died, and am still dying and this is how that piece of shit treats me?!

I called up Rachel on my nanocom. "Uh, yeah?" she asked she sounded like she was busy.

"Hey, Rachel, you know what my diminutive redheaded hot-as-fuck boyfriend said to me this time?!" I screamed.

"Uh, you know I'd be happy to lend an ear to you, Wind, but I'm kind of busy right now-" she said she sounded busy.

"Oh, are you baking a cake?" I asked.

"Not quite-" she replied but then I heard snickering in the background?

"Is it one of those freaky cakes that talks and makes fun of you?" I asked.

"Wind I'm sorry I have to-" then the call was cut off.

" _Freak,_ " I hissed, ugh Rachel was such a weirdo. Her and that little green alien that's always latched onto her. Well, if I couldn't vent to my gal pal, there's only one other thing I could do.

The bar wouldn't let me in so instead I decided to head out to the Darklands. I'dnever been out here before... but testing my strength against the fusion monsters sounded like a constructive use of my fury.

I got to the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. and hurried to the hub in Forsaken Valley, when I exited I found myself on a carrier much like the one I'd taken down along with my friends and accomplices during the Battle of Heroes' Hollow. I smiled at the memory. That was the first time I met Demongo, when he'd called Maire Kanker an inbred. I'd since found out that was indeed true, and not a rumor, but I didn't want to spread it around because I didn't want people to pick on her. She had a new life now as Marie Lee so I wanted her to have that second chance. (plus I wanted to give my unborn child up for adoption to them, I'd reconsidered it for a while when Lou was back in my life but now he's gone so I said yes they'd still be getting the baby. But if Marie's tragic past followerd her around it would affect my child too.)

I walked up and onto the deck, a guy who looked like Ben's alien Diamondhead (heh) was here. As was a very pretty man in a white dress.

"Uh, hi," I said, to Diamondhead.

" **It's good to see you,** " he said, and smiled at me, aw, he was so nice.

"Is that you, Ben?" I asked.

" **My apoligies. My name is Tetrax Shard, I am not Ben, but a member of the same species of alien as Diamondhead. I oversee tactical operations here in the Darklands.** "

" _And I am Samurai Jack,_ " said the lovely lady standing a few feet away, who stepped over to us. " _I am a time traveler from ancient Japan... well, ancient to you, anyway. Dexter has appointed me as a guide's assistant for missions in the Darklands._ "

"Oh, so you know that pint-sized hardass, too?" I asked.

Jack was taken aback at my language but Tetrax butted in before he could do anything drastic, " **Uh, heh heh, you're quite a feisty one, huh?** "

"Only because that little astard is making my life miserable!" I signed, and sighed. "I came out to the Darklands to expel my anger on the monsters."

" _Be careful, young yet whorish Commander,_ " Jack advised. " _The monsters here are much more powerful and cunning than on the mainland. If this is your first time against them, you should bring fellow soldiers._ "

"Thank you for your concern, but I'll be fine," I said, waving it off. "Besides, I got chlamydia anyway."

Jack stared at me with a look of bewilderment unmatched by any I'd seen before, and I rode down on a floating platform to reach the ground. I started trudging through the jungle.

It was dank and smelly around here, like Ace. I laughed at the thought of him rotting in a jail cell for preying on Buttercup like that. But still, I wish I'd been the one to punch him.

Seeing some sort of fusion monster that looked like dilophosaurus (shit!), I knew I had my chance.

"EAT THIS, YOU SPITTING GOOBAG!" I signed, and unleashed the powa of my pistol on that thing. It went down after five minutes.

"Huh, maybe I am underpowered for this area," I thought, looking around concernedly. Then, I saw something terrifying.

That frilled fiend I'd just killed? It was only a baby.

The mama was standing fifty feet away. And had seen everything.

It roared at me and charged, and I fell on my ass as I tried to get away. "Oh, shi-!" I tried to sign as I scrambled backward, facing the thing.

Then, I realized this was only the beginning of my problem here, as I felt a rush of liquid gush out me body, thought I'd pissed myself in fear. But no... it was ampiotic fluid.

I'd just gone into labor.


	78. Do Humans Lay Eggs?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I'ce written some pretty grody things in my time. Some are even too grody to post on here. But now, after many months of posting this, I'm certain that this is the grodiest thing I've ever written. Even more so than that one about Dennis Haysbert and Sam the Lion from Reader Rabbit being partners in a scary laboratory and Dennis was always trying to get in Sam's pants. Honestly that sounds like a piece of cake compared to this trainwreck. I don't even know what's happening anymore and we still have at least thirty chapters to go. I ruined Dexter's character for myself (I'd honestly thought I'd ruined it after When My Magic Meets Your Science, but no, I made his character worse here) and the constant vivid death of beloved characters plus the chlamydia plus the fact that most of the chapters go by with NO MENTION WHATSOEVER of the actual WAR going on I just don't understand anymore. All I can do is tell myself it's not the worst thing anyone has written (though I'm sure it's up there) and I was pretty young when I started it so I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But man this thing is grody.

CHAPTER 75: DO HUMANS LAY EGGS?

Dexter sent out reinforcements to Dinasaur Pass, they kept me safe while we waited for someone competent and with clean hands to deliver the baby that was knocking at my back door so to speak.

"AGH SWEET CHURCHILL ON A POPSICLE STICK NO ONE TOLD ME BIRTH WOULD BE THIS PAINFUL!" I sign-screamed, it literally felt just like How Raz described it, like my body was being ripped in half.

"Just hold on a little longer, Commander," said one of the ensigns keeping me from slicing my own belly open to end this nightmare. "Dr. Charmcaster should be here any mo-" then he got hit in the face with fusion matter from the dilophosauras and died.

Shots rang out across the battlefield as the soldiers fought off the horde of fusion monsters, while I dealt with contractions so bad my pelvos shattered. Finally, after waiting for millennia, _Rachel_ finally showed up.

"Sorry, Wind," she said, quickly kneeling beside me with a doctor's bag. "Dr. Charmcaster... got killed trying to get here. The terrordactyls took his helicopter down."

"He's... he's dead?" I asked, then screamed like a dying hyena at the pain of birthday

"I'm so sorry," she said again, pulling a balloon animal out of her bag to calm me. "He was a good man, and we're all going to miss him so much... he sent me over as his assistant, but since he's... well... Dr. Solus will be joining us in his stead."

" _Oh great,_ " I signed, " _he probably won't make it either, he's too flimsy, I'll be stuck with an unbirthed baby forever,_ "

Some idiot threw a grenade at the frilled fiends and blew them to Kingdom Come, but the shockwave caused us all to bounce in the air and come crashing back down, I broke both my legs on impact. "WATCH IT WITH THE EXPLOSIVES!" Rachel shouted, she must've been stressed hm

"sorry" said the embarrassed dude.

But the juices didn't stop flowing and when Rachel saw the sheer amount of blood that was leaving my body (not just from the birth but also from my fractures) she uttered some Atlantean swear word under her breath and said, "Wind, I'm sorry, but I don't think we can wait any longer. You're going to die unless we deliver this baby. I'll do whatever I can to help."

"Th... thank you, Rachel," I said, we both knew how traumatizing this was going to be. She was like, the only person who _hadn't_ seen my vagina yet. And now she was facing it, in it's full glory.

"Okay... let's see what we can do here," she said, trembling in fear.

As I pushed the lovechild of a human and a toilet out of me body, the battle raged on around us. Dozens of soldiers fell. Some of them were my friends. I saw Tertax go down, I considered him my friend. He broke into a million pieces and the pieces rained down, like flecks of blue smow. Juniper Lee was set on fire. Zak was shot in the gut by friendly fire by accident from the genius who threw the grenade. A giant octopus rampaged across the scene like a tank and crushed thousands. We were surrounded by chaos and death, blood and pain, and this was the world I was bringing my child into.

By this point Mordin had FINALLY shown up, he said the submarine he took was nearly dragged into the depths by the octopus before it came up on land but I was in no mood to believe him. "Doctor, she's bleeding really badly," Rachel said, sounding on the verge of tears. "I-I've been trying to help, but it won't stop."

He patted her on the shoulder because he's just so darned nice, everyone loved him and at least there was more good here for my baby to be born around. "Infant has crowned," he observed, kneeling down beside Rachel to get a full view of my hootenanny, he didn't even cringe because let's face it he's a doctor he's seen everything. "Wind, deep breaths, try to imagine shedding skin like cicada."

"That's disgusting!" cried the idiot from earlier, he was holding the trigger down on his Smelly Goomaker and firing bullets into all the soldiers in front of him.

But, bellowing like Darth Vader, I did as I was told. It felt like I was birthing my own body. Time and space started to split apart from the force I was applying. Stars started crashing into the Earth. Shaggy screamed, "Zoinks! Time and space are being torn apart, man!" before being shot in the chest by a fossil brawler.

"Raggy?!" cried Scoob, running up to him with tears, in his eyes. He sniffed his owner, looking for any sign of life, but Shaggy was already cie cold. "RAAAAAAAGGYYYYYYYYYYY!" he howled into the wind.

"Almost done, Wind," Mordin said, trying to bring my attention back to my fooper. "Keep pushing, doing well."

"WHEN I AM DONE HERE, I AM GOING TO TAKE AN ORANGE DREAMSICLE, AND SHOVE IT, UP YOUR-" I sign-threatened but bufore I could finish, we realized too late the octopus had given birth as well and was using its young to attack the soldiers, and one of them flew at Mordin and latched onto his face. He was knocked into the grass.

"Mordin!" Rachel cried. She tried to pry the oxtopus offa him, but it wasn't working, and he suffocated.

"Oh no," she said quietly, bringing her hands to her face, horrified to see another ally go down. But she couldn't give up. Not yet. Mordin had given his life trying to save my baby, and so she resumed her place between my ape-like legs because shaving while pregnant is hard as fuck.

" _Wind, your entrance into my life has brought nothing but pain and hatred,_ " she hissed, " _so if any more of my loved ones die during this fight, I will personally see to it that you are ripped to shreds in front of your child, and your grave defiled._ "

"Gulp" I said oh boy she was finally mad now.

Soon, though, through the screaming both from me and from the soldiers, I felt something **huge** fall out of my clam and onto the ground. Rachel, horrified, held it up. It was a giant egg.

"WHAT THE _FUCK?!_ " she shouted, guess she didn't know about my lineage hm. Seeing how she was too far gone to function any more at the moment, I took my egg from her and held it close.

Soon, Earth's forces got the upper hand in the fight, and Fuse's monsters were put down. The death toll was astronomical. The wounded and I were taken to the hospital in Offworld Plaza for treatment. My baby was put in an incubator in my room while I recovered.

Rachel came in to see me, along with Zim and Demongo. She told me that Juniper Lee and Mordin had in fact survived, Juniper had third degree burns though and Mordin had apparently been impregnated by the octopus and the baby had burst out of his chest but, they were alive.

Now the only thing left, was to hatch my baby.

They rolled in Juniper Lee on the same kind of cart they used for me and Hannibal Lecter and Marie came in too to watch the baby hatch. As the shell cracked, we all watched in horror, disgust, and curiosity to see what Lou's and my child looked like. The doctors helped remove the pieces of shell from our baby, cleaned it up and handed it to me.

And... it was hideous.

I'd given birth to a toilet with owl wings and big owl eyes on the front of her tank. My mouth was agape. Demongo fainted. Juniper and Marie said they suddenly changed their minds on adoption and ran outta that room man.

The icing on the cake was Zim saying, "Gee, Wind, and I thought you were ugly."

I started crying. I couldn't even have a normal baby with Lou. Our genes were just too screwed up. Since our baby was more a wild animal than anything, The Planetheads, Dexter and I took her out to a nature reserve in the Wilds to set her free.

The park ranger showed us a great spot with lots of trees for her to perch, and I looked down at the toilet in my arms. "Well, Odette, I guess this is goodbye."

My baby just flapped her wings and stared at me happily. Biting my lip, I held her up and let her fly out of my arms and into Mother Nature, where she belonged.

My friends tried to comfort me. Dexter put his hand on my shoulder while Rachel apologized that it had to be this way. But there was nothing that could be done. All I could do was move forward.

"I'm ready now," I signed. "I'm ready to go to Planet Fusion."


	79. Project Icarus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly think this is a pretty cool-sounding chapter name.

CHAPTER 76: PROJECT ICARUS

"Thank you again for accepting our mission, Wind," Rachel said as we all gathered in the planning room. "Once we get you on Planet Fusion, this war is as good as over."

"But that is a problem in and of itself," said Demongo, scratching his chin. "The spaceport has been destroyed, and the Fusions have been attacking any many private planes and shuttles they can get their slimy green hands on - no doubt as directed by Fuse. He wants to keep us grounded on the planet. So... how will we get you off of Earth now?"

"Easy," Zim said, as if what he was thinking was obvious. "We build our own ship."

"And how are we going to do that?" Rachel asked. "None of us qualify as astrophysicists, engineers, heck, Demongo fails at Lincoln Logs..." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "... we're in over our head. What were we thinking?! We... we're just...!" She slammed her fist against the table, startling us all.

"... Rachel," Zim said gently, laying his hand on her arm. "It'll be alright. It _is_ an intimidating problem, but we can't give up. Take a deep breath."

She did as he suggested, and after exhaling, relaxed and apologized for her outburst. Demongo and Zim said it was fine but I was worried they were going to lose control and make love right there over the battle map hm

Thankfully that didn't happen "Well, the obvious course of action is to build our own ship."

"Do you think we can do that?" I asked.

"Are you kidding? Do you know who you're talking to?" asked Zim, and he gestured to himself. "I am the most brilliant mind Irk has to offer, I've added incountable upgrades to my own ship! Though, uh, I guess I've never actually built one, myself..."

"But you know who has?" Rachel said. "Dexter."

"That... just might work," Demongo said slowly, eyes brightening. "If we can get Sir Finster's assistance for this project, we might have a small stealth ship done."

"Well, what are we watiing for?" I asked, and started dialing up on my nanocom. "Let's call the tiny fucker and get this thing going."

Dexter answered quickly. "Hello, Wind. How are you doing today?"

I was a little taken aback "Uh... I'm fine, Dexter...? How are you...?"

"I am well, thank you," he said, giving a small smile. "I was concerned for you, considering you just had to give up your child."

Suddenly I became quite ashamed of what I'd been calling him. "Uhh... th-thanks, Dexter..."

"Of course," he said. "We may be broken up, but I still consider you my friend. I have been worried for your emotional health as of late, not just because of what happened with Odette, but getting shot, your trial, your death... you have been through a lot. You will let me know if you need time off, right?"

I swallowed. The Planetheads were all glaring at me for being so mean to him behind his back. "Yeah, Dex. I'll let you know."

"Good. That is a weight off my shoulders." After a moment, he asked, "So, did you need anything?"

I told him our plaaan, and he listened closely. "Yes, I think I can help you, but I'll need some supplies. Things have gotten a bit chaotic in Tech Square recently, and the fusion monsters have stolen a good amount of my stock."

"What do you need?" Rachel asked.

Dexter gave us a shopping list of various bits and bobs, and we went to the local hardware store to pick them up. Before we went in thouhg there was a bakery next door so I went in and got a frosted brownie... mmm... before I knew it I had fallen into a sugar coma. Four hours later I woke up and the others dragged me into the hardware store.

"Hello there! My name is Becky, how can I assist you?!" a _very energetic_ woman behind the counter screeched.

"Hi, we're trying to find-" Rachel began but was cut off

"Can I interest you in some 3/8 nuts?" Becky asked, gesturing to a tray of the things

"No, we need to find-"

"Or maybe an automated bread crust cutter?" becky offered, pointing to it, it was jammed and there was oil everywhere leaking over the bread

"No thank you, what we really need is-"

"How about a whole room full of Beavises and Buttheads? Huh? Huh?" she opened the door, revealing dozens of clones of the guys all snickering at who knows what.

"I THINK WE CAN FIND IT OURSELVES," Rachel suddenly snapped, oh dang I'd never seen her this mad.

"I... fine! No need to be so vitriolic!" Becky offended, going back behind the counter and crossing her arms in a huff.

Now that that horrific show was over we gathered what we needed and got out of there right quick, there was a hippie with tissue box shoes in the store as well! We double-timed it to the counter

"We'd like to ring these up," Rachel said when Becky ignored her

"Oh? _Now_ you need my help?" she asked, arms still crossed and glaring out of the corner of her eye at my teammate

"Miss, please, _there is a carob-rabid hippie closing in, we need to get out of here,_ " Rachel urged, dang I didn't know she was scared of hippies. I thought she was one.

"You hurt my feelings!" Becky declaredcried, throwing her arms in the air. "All I wanted was to help you! But did you appreciate that? NOOO!"

The scent of patchouli was getting heavier in the air. "OH, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY," Rachel bellowed, grabbing the scanner from across the counter, scanning all our items, and throwing cash at Becky before rushing us out the door before the hippie could offer us some sweet, sweet veggie burgers.

"Rachel, I don't understand?" I asked? "You all smoke pot religiously, why would you not want to be around a hippie?" I asked?

"What are you talking about?!" she asked? "Just because someone smokes pot too doesn't make that person a friend. Did you see that guy?! The tissue boxes on his feet, the TV on his head? He was deranged!"

"Maybe he was just on a bad trip!"

"Well, I didn't want to find out! We've had enough brushes with death as of late!"

"Regardless, we've got the supplies, so let's get to Tech Square," said Demongo, and we got our asses moving.

We walked into Dexlabs, all the Dexbots were here. Plus some humans. But I didn't care about them. I saw #7C, I said hello. He was still traumatized after Wallabee torture him but was doing much better. I gave him a hug and said that if he ever needed to talk, he knew my nanocom address. He said thank you and we continued into the labs.

Dexter was here, this was his lab, Dexter's lab. He was listening to Bishop Bullwinkle, of the First Church of Nothing but the Truth. When he noticed we were here, the Bishop sang "Hell naw, to the naw naw, naw."

I wondered if that was fitting.

"Ah, you brought my supplies," Dexter said, and took them gratefully. "Thank you all very much. Now, we can get started on your project. We will have to work quickly - the Fusions have been listening in to my transmissions for a few days now, and I fear they are planning something for the area."

"Have you noticed any new terrafusers?" asked Demongo.

"A few small ones, but the most concerning thing is that we can never dispose of them all. No one wants to run around the entirety of Tech Square to gather up pods - they only want to waste time on the already-infected areas." He sighed. "I'm sorry. I appreciate their help, but if we lose our hubs to infection, we won't have any ground to work."

"We can give the area a pass, if it'll help," Rachel offered.

"Thank you. It's certainly better than what we have right now," Dexter said. "Now, returning to your project - as I mentioned, the fusions have been listening in to my conversations for a little while now. The Dexbots are trying to find where they're tapping into the signal, but for now, none of my transmissions are private. We need a codename for this project so that we can discuss it over nanocom more securely."

"A codename, eh?" I wondered. Then, I snapped my fingers. "I know just the thing."

And thus, Project Icarus was born. Because I wanted Project Frosted Brownie, but Rachel suggested something else.


	80. Kicked in the Kidneys

CHAPTER 77: KICKED IN THE KIDNEYS

For the next several days, we toiled in Declabs, working long shifts under the cover of darkness so that the Fusions wouldn't learn of our activities. We often ordered take-out from the local Chinese place and let me tell you I had more wontons in that week than I'd had in my life. And Zim ate all my fortune cookies.

Eventually, Project Icarus was really starting to look like a fine ship. He (because Icarus was male) was only big enough to carry one person, namely me, but had extensive stealth features such as an invisibilty cloak to hide from Fusionpatrols. It also had cupholders and even a small gun for astroids. Unfortunately though, there wasn't enough time or space to add a bathroom.

As we built the Icarus, Fuse destroyed our world. Things got even worse in the short span of time we had. With so much fewer people for soldiers, literal children had to sign up to defend the Earth. Campus Kidney had become less of a fun summer camp, and more a rogirous training ground. I cried at this. Those poor little kids, first they lose Chip, and now they have to bet their mortality.

Then one day, we were taking a break and watching cartoons. We watched Sym-Bionic Titan and the king of Galaluna was chained up all torture-like and this talking squid forced all of itself into his mouth... everyone knew it was meant to be sexual.

" _Who would make something like this?!_ " Rachel cried.

Then suddenly Dexter's cell phone rang. It was a panicked call from Slinkman. He picked up and said "Hello? It is I, Dexter?"

All we could hear was Slinkman screaming on the other end, and explosions. Concerned, Dexter sent Demongo and I out to save the campers (Demongo was now under his guideship as well)

When we got there blood was eveyrwrehe. There was a disembodied arm laying on the ground next to an eyeball. We had no idea whose they were but we didn't get the chance because suddenly Slinkman.

"Thank goodness!" he cried, running up to us (this was strange, I thought he was a slug they move slowly...?) "You have to help me find the campers!"

"What happened, Slinkmarn?" I asked.

"The Fusions attacked the camp - I tried to get the campers to safety, but I was knocked unconscious. When I came to, they were all gone. Please, I just want to make sure they're safe."

"Of course, humble counselor," said Demongo, patting him on his slimy shoulder. "We will do whatever we can to assist you."

"Thank you," Slinky said, and started crying. "Oh, thank you."

"What happened, exactly?" I asked, as we began our search through the burning ruins of the camp. Fusion matter was everywhere splattered on everything, mostly mixed with ash, mixed with blood, mixed with Fusion matter.

"We think the Fusions are beginning a major takeover of the Wilds," Slinkman said. "Forgotten Falls has become completely infected, and all that fusion matter running underground has been eroding the area very quickly. It must've even leeched into the planet's core, since Monkey Summit has been erupting with fusion matter instead of lava lately."

"That's terrible," I said, shaking my head in horror.

" Yes. I tried to tell the Scoutmaster that we needed to get the campers out of the Wilds for good, but he didn't listen to me... I haven't seen him since before the attack."

"We'll keep an eye out for that cornhole as well, I look forward to the chance to finally teach him a lesson once and for all," I signed, and cracked my knuckles.

We looked around the camp trying to find the children I say. Demongo kept getting bitten by fusion mosquitoes but I didn't really notice them, I was having difficulty concentrating bcause I was too preoccupied with how hot I thought General Medulla was. Like dang. He may be evil but he could chain me up any day. (I have a horrible problem with finding villains hot. I even once thought Malistaire from Wizard101 was hot... I don't think that anymore but it still happened. I also once had a crush on Plankton and even briefly had one on Zuko. Then there was my crush on Dr. Loboto but honestly I'm a little ashamed to admit that one. But the absolute worse crush I had was on Nergal (I actually have a little joke about this later in the story). I thought he was so dang hot. That voice. Omg. And that slick suit. Nergal awakened feelings in me I had never felt before. It was bad. When he married Sis I was so mad. So I remade my imaginary hubby in the sism and we went on to have like 5 children together... I locked Sis in a small room but kept using the moveobjects cheat to put food inside her cell so she didn't starve, just had to watch me and her huaband make love through the window I installed (her cell was right next to our bedroom). I was a very disturbed kid. But of the 5 children we had only two made it through college before that computer died. Oh well)

Then suddenly through my fantasies of what Medulla must look like with his shirt off (probably ripped as hell) I heard the crying of several scared children! Worried, I ran to where they were: the outhouse where Fusion Numbuh 3's lair had once been.

I threw open the door, they were all huddled inside, terrified. Starving. I ran in and hugged them all.

"Commander Walter! You found us!" they cried.

"Don't worry, kids," I said, hugging them tighter, "I'll keep you safe. C'mon, let's get you to-"

Suddenly, I heard snickering coming from behind me. Nasal snickering. "Thanks for finding the campers, Wind," said _Slinkman,_ who suddenly looked like a Fusion. "I'll repay you by skinning their hides first."

"NOOO!" I cried, spinning around and kicking Fusion Slinkman's legs so he fell over. The kids and I ran out of the outhouse to try and find Demongo, he was laying in a puddle of Fusion matter in the middle of camp - nearly dead from being bitten so many times by the mosquitoes.

As I picked him up, Edward cried, "Wh-Where are we gonna go?!"

Suddenly the ground shook, and we saw whole mountains in the distance falling down... into the Fusion matter ocean. "Kids, we gotta get to the Suburbs," I said, it was the only logical thing to do everything up North was going kablooey. " RUN!"

Screaming, the kids all ran south to escape the crumbling land. Behind them, I went as fast as I could, carrying Demongo bridal-style. Curse my brain damage. Though I certainly seemed better now than I was a few months ago, mmm.

Finally, the campers reached Foster's Home, outside of which was Frankie, watching the forest be dissolved away in shock. She greeted the children and tried to calm them down, they were all screaming and crying in fear. Then, from the last few trees left, emerged I, Commander Wind Walter, Demongo still out cold in my arms.

"Frankie, call the guides," I signed, gravely. "We've got a shitload of things to discuss."


	81. Foster's Home for Fear and Folly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY FUCK READERS ITS BEEN A WHILE HASN'T IT! i iddn't mean to go silent for so long i just had a lot of stuff happen in my life in a very short time. like seriously things are crazy. but I managed to finish cleaning up this chapter! my plan is still to finish Windfall once and for all and drive the stake into Wind to end this beast but honestly I don't know when the next update will be... I honestly cannot guarantee anything. but I hope you are all doing well. God bless and remember: re:fuse! :D

CHAPTER 78: FOSTER'S HOME FOR FEAR AND FOLLY

The audience gave raucous applause as the show's host, Gooble Hubbleby, signaled to the cameras to go live. He sat at his fancy late-night desk and said to the folks back home,

"Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. If there are any kids watching, isn't it past your bedtime?"

The audience laughed, and Hubbleby let them finish before continuing. "Welcome to the Hubbleby Hour. I'm your host, Gooble Hubbleby, and tonight we'll be discussing a bit more serious a topic than usual: the infection of the world. Joining us tonight is a friendly face who will be giving us a more in-depth look at what's happening to the planet. You all know him, you all love him - put your hands together for Dr. Mordin Solus!"

The spotlight moved over a door on the right side of the stage (stage left), and the audience cheered and whistled, but tonight's special guest didn't show. "Uh, _Dr. Mordin Solus!_ " Hubbleby said again, hoping the salarian had simply not heard him. He was fairly elderly after all. " _Dr.-_ "

"Heard you the first time," cried a panicked voice from behind the door. "Door is stuck! Help!"

Thankfully the door was laced with dynamite for just this occasion (it stuck all the time and the stage hands had no other choice) so the crew blew up the door, when the smoke had cleared there stood everyone's favorite salarian, Mordin Solus. The crowd all went "Aww" because he was so adorable. Self-conscious, Mordin hurried onto the stage and shook hands with Hubbleby.

"Good to have you tonight, Mordin," said the host.

"Pleasure's all mine," said the doctor, and he sat down beside the desk. As soon as he did so though there was a muffled SQUEAK from beneath him and he jumped, pulled a rubber duck out from under him.

"Uh, heh heh, sorry, that was from last night's duck-o-rama," apologized Hubbleby. He took the duck back from his guest. "Ahem, anyway, Mordin, could you tell us a little bit about how the fusion infection works?"

Mordin nodded. "Fusions silica-based life-form - entire planet made from fusion matter, as well. Special properties enable it to dissolve and absorb foreign materials. Can adapt and change structure to suit needs as well."

"Interesting," said Hubbleby taking his toaster strudel out of the oven. "So the fusions are quite a threat, indeed."

"Indeed."

"Dr. Solus, can you tell us if there is any hope mankind has for survival?" Hubbleby asked, chewing his strudel thoughtfully. "Or... are we trulydoomed?"

Mordin narrowed his eyes at the host. "People like you are reason why other species hate humans. Worry and complain about problem, never stop long enough to think of solution. See similar personalities in your leaders. Too busy running around, like chickens without heads. Want honest opinion, Mr. Hubbleby?" Mordin leaned in close to the host. "Humanity? Good as dead."

* * *

Frankie locked the door behind my fat ass, Demongo was still fainted in my armsk. I was ushered to a nearby fainting couch (named for just this purpse) and laid him down for a good time. I felt his forehead it was ice cold.

"What happened to him?!" asked Franklie.

"He was shot in the gut by a wild cogfish," I signed tearing off one of my sleeves. "This isn't long enough - I need something for a tournequet!"

"Frankie ran to the broom closet, Jafkie Khones and Sunset Junction were fucking inside. She slammed the door shut and tried the closet next to it, thankfully there was no anky-panky going on and she grabbed a rope and tied it around Demongo's midsection to stem the bleeding yo. Hey hey, yeah yeah, shut up, friend! Hey now, yeah yeah, walk up there! Robot robot, _vampire._ Ogre ogre, **robot!**

"Jesus he's lost so much blood" I said the couch was drenched I daresay.

"Wind, we need to call a doctor," Frankie said looking into Demongo's eyes with an LED flashlight, his eyes were rolling to the back of his head and he was gargling on his own blood. "He won't survive without proper medical help and we don't have anyone here except basic first aid."

"Shushushushush," I snapped, I was trying to think dammit! There was so much bliid it was all over me my whole body was slick. It was like being covered in blue lube, I had bad memories of that one time.

"C... Caitlyn," Demongo gargled, spat up bladd all over the place, it poured out over his chin like a waterfall.

"Yes, Demonho?" I asked, it was clear he was dying. I wanted to comfort him. Rip his clothes off. Like old times. But This was not the time for that.

"Tell... tell your mother I... I..." he coughed up another cup of blood over his chest

Suddenly the front doors broke off the hinges and fell inward, the light was blinding outside. But there was a silhouette standing there, a shadow cut against the harshness. And in stepped Dr. Mordin Solus, armed with his doctor bag and a powerful yet solemn expression on his face.

"Mordin!" I cried, as he ran over. "Thank goodness you made it! Demongo's over here - come tend to him - hurry!"

"Mordin saw Demongo laying there half-dead and jumped in shock. "Good Lord!" he cried, and rushed over. He checked Dempongo's pulse it was barely there. His blood pressure was weak as a pee stream. Mordin started cutting Demongo's shirt off (I at first thought he was preparing to mate with him to get his blood flowing but no it was just for ease of getting to the wound) and revealing the new vagina the fusions had made for him. He pulled a bottle of whiskey out of his bag, took a swig, and poured it over the vagina,. Demongo shrieked in pain but Frankei and I held him dwon. I for good measure headbutted him to knock him out so he couldn't fight anymore. Demongo fainted with a raspy gasp. Huh anyone else would've thought he was dead, but I knew better.

"Blood pressure _dropping!_ " Mordin cried, holding off the sea of panic as he flustered to try and save Demongo's unlife.

We were all there, gathered around the couch, the lights were dim and the air had a sour stench to it. The stench of a dying vagina. Fluffernutter cried into Bloppy Pants' shoulder, he held her close to comfort. Mordin sponged sweat off his brow. Jackie nutted inside Sunset. Then... the candles in the great hall extinguished, as Demongo died of his injuries.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mordin screamed into the cold air, so cold he could see his breath, Demongo's spirit had left his body and stepped into the next life. Into the next awaiting womb, to be reborn in this world or another. A world that would hopefully be happier than the one he left behind.


	82. Coup De'tat in the Cul-De-Sac

CHAPTER 79: COUP DE'TAT IN THE CUL-DE-SAC

We all criede around Demongo's gravestone, he had just been freshly buried so he didn't spoil like lunch meat. We played Shattered Dreams by Johnny Hates Jazz for the funeral because our dreams of having Demongo by our side during the war were shattered. I cried, cried so hard, as hard as Demongo used to fuck me, over his headstone. Merdoc rubbed my shoulder to comfort you, he felt so bad seeing me like this.

Unfortunately rubbing any part of my body makes me horny so we left the funeral and went back to the monster truck, picture this we were both butt naked bangin' on the bathroom floor. Unfortunately there was piss all over the tile but when you're en flagrante delecto, very little stops you from completing your emission.

Mission objective complete: Get wet

Mission complete: Juice his weaner

Mission rewards: 2400 taros, custard buster, fertilized egg

"WHAIT, WHAT?!?!" I shrieked, I couldn't get pregnant again!! But then I realized it wasn't a fertilized _human_ egg, it was one of those eggs of Jeff's that could be thrown as a grenade. Which was infanticide, but apparently the guides allowed it. Sick bastards.

"You are absolutely _ravishing,_ sweetheart," Murdoc growled, lighting up a post-ponking cigarette.

"Fuck, Murdoc, I can't control myself. You ravish me so well," I said, cuddling up to him.

Murdoc wrapped one arm around me and turned the TV on with the other. The news came on the president was scared. Foster's Home was being dissolved away by fusion matter! I screamed as we watched the house fall away as the earth crumbled, friends and family plunged into the fusion matter ocean and their flesh fell away, their skeletons flailed before their brains fizzed away. Murdoc tried to cover my eyes but it was no use man. All the friends were gone. Game over man... game over.

Except some of them survived and ran to the cu-de-sac. So that's where we went, we didn't even shower, we were both sweaty and stinky and I still had Murdoc's spoodge all over me under my clothes but we had no time to clean up. We didn't even have time to clean up the motel room, sorry maid service. We showed up in the cul-de-sac, there was blood everywhere, and body parts. Friends were so scared they were running into people and each other and everyone was breaking to pieces. Edwardo was the biggest offender, those sharp horns of his were really doing a number on people hm.

"EDUARDO!!" I shouted. "YOU NEED TO STOP!! YOU ARE MURDERING PEOPLE!!!"

"IWFJAWFNEWALFNESALSFJAWJWAFNASLCVNDSNESENVS" Eduardo screamed, impaling innocent bystanders he was too far gone to listen.

"This looks like a job for Eye Guy," said Ben from beside me, he slapped his omnitrix and turned into Eye Guy. Only Eduardo was too far away for him to do anything, so Ben unraveled Eye Guy's dick to trip Eduardo and make him finally _stop._

"Ay caramba," I said, relievred the madness was finally over. Then Eduardo's tail lifted and he let out the most sour aewful fart I'd ever heard

"SWEET GOERGE WASHINGTON'S CLITORIS!!!" one man shouted before he fell to the ground, dead!

"Alright everyone, simmer down!" Dexter called out ofer the croud. Everyone immediately stopped because he was cute. Except about a dozen people they were too scared. "Thank you. Now, we need to take a head count to see who survived the Foster's crash."

Several male friends and some female ones started taking out their penises but Dexter shouted and waved his hands, "No, no!! I mean please tell us your names!"

Everyone went "Ohhhhhh" and put their peckers away. We did a head count but found that only 5 of the 500 friends from the house were accounted for.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" I cried, bellowed, and collapsed on my knees, clenchng my fists." So many friends were gone. Dead. Like my libido.

Etuarto was the only one left alive, so we took him into Ed's house (he was dead so it was okay, he wouldn't mind) He was unconscious, and starved. We fed him processed angel food cake through an IV drip but Dexter said he wasn't sure if he would make it to morning.

I ran out of the house screaming with tears.


	83. One Who Dies

CHAPTER 80: ONE WHO DIES

I sat on the porch step in the rain, raining my cheeks with tears. I wASn't sure what to do. My whole life as I'd known it had been dissolved away, much like Foster's Home. What semblance of Wind Walter's life was left at this point.

As my flabby ass was sat on the step my nanocom started buzzing. I answered it. "Hello?"

But then I started shrieking because there was a horrific crash and screaming on the other end!! When I looked into the camera, looked into the camera, I saw the truth: TECH SQUARE WAS UNDER ATTACK!!  
"DEXTER!!" I screeched, running into the Home to find Dedter, he was sitting next to Eturado's corpse with a thinking look on his face.

"What's wrong Wind?!" he asked. "Be quiet, Eduardo is sleeping!"

"TECH SQUARE IS IN **DANGER!** " I screamed. By this point my nostrils were in danger too since Eduardo had farted again sheesh. "Here, **LOOK!** "

I showed him my nanocom and he brought his hand up to his mouth, paloing in shock. He scrambled out of his seat but fell on the floor and vomited on himself. It was... too much for him.

"READY THE CARRIERS!" he demanded, then puked again

We were shipped out to Tech Squared, I stood near the entrsance feeling the wind against my face and the breeze in my hair. All I wanted was a normal life again. But now everything was just turned upside down. I couldn't even remember the last time I tasted my mom's cooking. Or the last time I'd used an actual toilet. But now it might be kind of weird considering my romance with Lou. But my planet was dying, I was one of the last few hundred humans left on the face of the Earth. And that meant I had to give my all to save her for the future of mankind.

"So sad... uh hewh hewh hewh," cried Numbuh 5.

On the ground everything was out of control. The Powerpuffs were already here using _LAZOR VIZHEAN_ on a terrauser and, by extension, the fusion spawns squealching out of it. Numbuh One was shooting at various spawns but then one bit into his arm and ripped it off.

" _Nigel!_ " Dexter craide, and he jumped off the still-landing carrier to go and save his friend. But unfortunately, by the time he reached Nigel the poor Brit had already been massacred by the spawns, ripped to pulled human and being devoured for nourishment.

Dexter's scream of " _ **NGHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**_ " rang out and I tried to go and help him but was dragged in the opposite direction to go help the troops. There was a massive oiled ogre terrorizing the K.N.D. comm camp set up at the front lines (who the hell would set it up there?!) and we had to kill it before it disemboweled everyone and stole our things.

"Holy cannoli, where did you come from?" asked Numbuh 5 from down a nearby hill.

"Not now, Numbuh 5. We gotta move. Follow us!" said Ben. I wondered who they were talking to.

Sure enough I rounded a corner there was a bigass oiled ogre. It smelled gnarly and looked like a vulture covered in green sludge... then it hurled a ball of FM at me and I knew I couldn't gawk no more. I whipped out my pistol but my motor skills were out to lunch and my joints cracked. I fell to the ground as my nanocom injected me with high amounts of LSD to compensate for the pain.

"N-No... no... have to fight... have to protect..." I spluttered, watching helplessly through my drugged daze as the oiled ogre massacred my friends and colleagues. And there was nothing I could do.

"Wind!!" cried Ben, picking me up and dragging me out of harm's way. "Are you okay?"

" _Meatloaf,_ " I whispered, shaking my head as I slowly came down from Cloud 9. "Ben?! What happened?"

"The Oiled Ogre killed everybody on the carrier," Ben crargled. "Except you, me, and a handful of the others. We need to retreat and we need to do it _now._ We're extremely outnumbered and outskilled."

He helped mesit up and I looked around. "Wait... where's Decter?"

An explosion rang out from the other side of the Courtyard and we heard a bloodcurdling scream, and a disembodied arm flew past us with blood trailing off it like a comet. "Never mind him!" Ben encountered, pulling on my own attached arm. "If we don't get you out of here, you'll be as dead as that guy over there!"

I yanked my arm away from him, unfortunately my doing so mostly severed it from my shoulder, it was only hanging on by a few strands of muscle now. "No way!" I floistered. "I'm not leaving without Decter!" And I writhed away out of his grasp, he grabbed his hair and screamed loudly like a banshee.

I ran along the sidewalk, desperately looking for any signs of my dear crimson-haired scientist. There was so much pain. So much death. Blood. Raining around me, running through the streets like rivers of gore. I had to find him, else he would be lost to this world. A world that desperately needed him.

Finally I came across the wreckage of the Galaxy Gardens infected zone, there was only a fraction left and even then no plants remained, only wreckage and rubble from the rest of Tech Square. I forced the Dexbot to let me in and I hurried into the one and only place Decter could be hiding, the fusion portal to Fusion Buttercup's lair.

I found Dexter walking away a few feet inside. "Decter!" I called, running up to him and giving him a bog hug.

"Wind!" he said, happily returning the hug, before his mood became serious. "What are you doing here? Tech Square is falling apart, you need to evacuate!"

"I had to find you first, dumbass!" I said, slapping him on the head. "What are you doing in here, anyway?"

"I am trying to find any of my tech that Fusion Buttercup may have stolen from Dexlabs," he explained. "If she gets her putrid hands on it, Fuse will have a sample of my work to build from, and that's no good."

"Well, let's see if we can find the bitch and-" I was cut off WHEN

Fusion Buttercup fell in from the ceiling, she was fifteen feet tall and didn't wear panties we saw our first sights of fusion genitalia. Decter and I screamed in terror at the sight out corneas were burning we got out our weapons for battle. I shot at her with my pop cherry guns and Decter slashed at her legs with his giant wrench. She clawed and screeched at us but soon the bitch was dead.

"We did it!" Decter cheered, and we high-fived.

Then the whole lair started to _RUMBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_ and Decter was nearly knocked onto his ass, I stayed put though huh and I thought I had the worst balance. "Whoa! That does _not_ sound good," he said.

"Yeah, thanks, _Captain Obvious,_ " I snapped, and grabbed his arm. "Come on, we gotta get out of here!"

We turned and ran the way we came in but another tremor ran through the lair. Several large boulders were knocked loose from the ceiling.

I somersaulted away and managed to escape the boulders unscathed, but realized Decter was no longer next to me. "D... Decter?!" I called.

Then, when the ringing in my ears had stopped, I heard a struggling, and when the dust had settled I saw him.

Decter was pinned under the rocks.

" _Decter!!_ " I grandled, running up to him and falling to my knees before his crushed form. I tried to keep the tears at bay but it wasn't working man. "Hold on, I'll get you out of there!"

"No, Wind," Decter panted, before wincing in pain. "Go. Save yourself. I'm not going to make it."

"Yes you will!" I argued. I stood and tried to wrestle the big boulder on top of him off, but all it did was cause him more pain and he screamed in agony. " _I'm sorry, I'm sorry,_ " I said, letting go and returning to his side to comfort him, tears rolling down my cheeks.

Another tremor ran underneath us. "You... you have to go," Decter urged, his voice strained.

" _I'm not leaving you!_ " I cried, holding his hand. " _No matter what kinds of shit I stirred up, you never gave up on me! You never turned your back! Even after our breakup, and how I cheated on you, you were always there! I won't abandon you now!_ "

Decter gave a weak smile. "I... I'm giving you an order, Commander."

My eyes went wide. No... I couldn't refuse an order. Especially not one made by my commanding officer with his dying breaths. I shut my eyes tight, tears squirting out from between my eyelids. "... I love you."

"And I, you," Decter said, his own tears trickling down his face. "Now go, Windfall. The world- agh... it needs you."

I nodded, biting my lip so hard I drew blood. It felt like it took hours, but I tore myself away from my best friend and ran out of the lair.

Everything was a blur after that. I know I climbed onto an awaiting S.C.A.M.P.E.R. and we hurried to Secot V. Tech Square collapsed on itself, and in the process Fusion Buttercup's lair was crushed and its remains dropped into the fusion matter ocean. Numbuh 2 tried to comfort me on the trip, but I was catatonic. I couldn't believe what had just happened. My whole body felt numb, my heart felt like it had stopped.

Dexter was dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When a soldier loves a scientist, a scientist short and red, when a soldier loves that scientist, you know he'll end up dead. HONK HONK! Merry Christmas everyone! c:


	84. Everything I'd Ever Wanted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years, my beautiful readers!

CHAPTER 81: EVERYTHING I'D EVER WANTED

Decter was buried at dawn, in the mist of midsummer rain. I gazed at his headstone, a grey monolith standing in the lush green grass, rays of golden sunlight illuminating it and making it as bright as the soul it stood for. I fell to my knees and wept.

"WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY" I cried.

"Wind, _please,_ " Murdoc begged, "he... he wouldn't want you to suffer like this. And besides... if I hear _you_ cry... I'll cry too... and no one wants to see that."

I wiped my eyes dry. "Sniff... yeah. You're right."

I got up, and laid one last lily down on Decter's grave, before departing the scene with my beloved.

We went back to the monster truck, it was just us three Planetheads now. I don't think the others even knew yet that Demongo had perished...

"C'mon, we have to tell them," I said to Murdoc, and we looked for them. They had to be nearby since we could hear music playing from one of the bedrooms.

We walked to the sleeping quarters area and opened the door to Zim's room, it was the one with the music and we GASPED! Zim and Rachel were making barbaric alien love to Katy Perry's _E.T._

"WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?!" I screamed, covering my eyes. Murodc was just staring at them though the pervert

"HEH?!" Zim gasped, shocked out of coitus! Rachel quickly covered up her bobs and shrieked like a scared woman. "Wind! Didn't anyone ever teach you to knock?!"

"APPARENTLY NOT," her alien lover said, annoyed and crossing his arms, wishing Murdoc and I would leave so they could go back to banging.

"You people sicken me!" Mcrdoc cried, appaled!

"Murdoc!" I snapped, slapping him against the back of his head. "Maybe this is how they cope with death?!"

"Death?" Rachel asked "What do you mran?"

" _Teammates,_ " I said, glum, " _our dear friend, Demongo, has died._ "

"DIED?!" Zim repeated, and Rachel gasped in shock.

" _It gets worse,_ " I continued, " _for Sir Drecter, our guide and friend, has also bitten the bullet._ "

"Dexter?! No..." Rachel said, covering her face and crying into her dirty hands. Zim petted her arm to calm her comfort her.

" _Yes, it is quite tragic,_ " I declared, before clearing my throat to go easy on the baritone.

"We buried Dexter this morning, the chalky chap," Murdoc inquired. "It was a beautiful funeral. Hundreds of people crying and sharing memories of the little bastard."

" _AND I CHEATED ON HIM WITH A TREE!!_ " I shreeked, like a pygmy marmoset (okay don't tell anyone but I also have marmoset in me. Not just owl. Marmoset. It was my mother's great great grandmother. It's how I'sm so agile and good at climbing and stuff. I found out through one of them ancestry test kits. I went clicking around and BAM there was a picture of a marmoset right there! At first I thought it was a glitch this couldn't be real!! But it WAS real, and I have the blood of the marmoset within me. It is very embarrassing to explain to people but not as emabaarassing as the owl lineage, hoo hoo.)

"A tree, yousay?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah," I said, drying my eyes, "I made love to a friggin' tree, and Decter caught us, and it ruined our relationship. I've hated that tree ever since." "And he's the one who gave me termites!"  
"Yes, I remember that," Rachel said, grimacing at the reminder.

"Ugh! Now I've been reminded of that stupid bark-encrusted bastard!" I shouted, and threw a chair. "I... I... I'M GOING TO SETTLE THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL!"

"Wind, where are you going?!" terrified Lou.

I stormed out the door. "I'M GOING TO GO BACK TO THAT TREE AND SAW HIM ROOT FROM ROOT!" And I took my cherry pop gun with me...

Murdoc and friends came along to watch me go on a RAMPAGE! We got an old fisherman to give us a ride across the ocean to the island where Eldridge _Johsnon_ meyer aboded, and we stepped out onto the hot, hot sand. It was as pale as my legs... I wondered if Eldirgde remembered them. He probably did... quite well.

"Alright, let's go kill the bastard," I threatened, skulking into the palm trees. The others were concerned but not nearly brave enough to stop me yo.

After about iffteen minutes of wandering in circles (because I couldn't remember where to go) we finally found old Eldridge _Johnson_ meyer, just sittin' there, thinking he was _sooo cooool._ He didn't recognize me at first

"HELLO, MY NAME IS ELDRIDGE JOHNSONMEYAR, AND YES, I'M A- AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" he squealed in shock!

"Hello there, Eldirgde!" I said, bringing up my pistols and flashing a psychotic smile. " **DID YOU MISS ME?** "

"W-WIND!" he cried. "HOW-HOW-HOW-HOW YA DOIN'?!"

"How am I doing?" I asked, then laughed. "I'M DOING HORRIBLE! MY BOYFRIEND JUST DIED AND I HAVE CONTRACTED TERMITES, _THANKS TO_ _ **YOU!**_ " I readided my gun to fire square root between his eyes. "I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN HOW YOU SCREWED UP OUR RELATIONSHIP!"

"WIND PLEASE!" Eldridge _Johnson_ meyer cried, "I-I DIDN'T MEAN TO DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP! I CARED FOR YOU! _I'M SORRY!!_ "

"TOO LATE, STICK DICK!" I said then let out a screeching laugh. "I'M GONNA TURN YOU INTO ROOT BEER!"

And I was about to, until my nanocom beeped. Double D was on the line. "WHAT?!" I snapped.

"Ms. Walter!" Double-D cried! "You simply must come to the cul-de-sac immediately! It is a matter of utmost importance..."


	85. Burgermeister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT READERS. This chapter is all kinds of effed up. But, more than that, I have exciting news for you... WE HAVE A FUSIONFALL FANGAME IN THE WORKS!!! :D it is based on Windfall's storyline and the demo is almost done. I have never programmed a game before but my best friend knows a girl and she's programming it for us!!! meanwhile I'm doing writing and art. IT IS SO EXCITING!!! I will let everyone know what the title is and where to download it once the demo's done. Stay safe, stay wonderful, and re:fuse!!!

CHAPTER 82: BURGERMEISTER

Professor Brody looked out his boss' hotel window into the cold, dark city. It was past midnight- but life was still thrumming in Orchid Bay's veins. From behind him, the door to the suite opened.

"You're still awake?" asked his boss, Mayor McCheese. "You should get some sleep."

"Can't," Brody replied. "Too much on my mind..."

McCheese walked up and gently set his hand on his apprentice's shoulder. "This decision to send the first-borns to Planet Fusion was one of the worst things our planet could've done, but we'll recover." He furrowed his brow in worry. "It kills me to see you this way, Brody."

"But how can I get past how we basically just sentenced thousands of innocent people to their deaths?" Brody asked, turning to face his master. "I... I don't know if I'll ever learn to live with myself, Jack..."

" _Charles._ " Brody was snapped out of his anxiety attack by the supple yet melty voice of his dear friend, whose pickle eyes looked caringly into his own soul. "That wasn't your fault. Not in the slightest. You can't save them, but you can focus on avenging them instead."

Brody let the words sink in, then began to sob. McCheese caressed the side of his face, before leaning in for a gentle kiss. Brody reciprocated, the two pushing against each other and becoming more desperate before Brody was thrown onto the bed.

McCheese drooled liquid hot cheddar along Brody's neck as the latter cried out at the temperature. He reached up and caressed his lover's buns, giving each and every sesame seed individual love and attention. McCheese couldn't handle it anymore. He kissed Brody hard, slamming his head against the pillow.

When Brody signed on as McCheese's private scientist, he noticed the article in his contract saying that McCheese had certain... _urges_ that he would have to satisfy. At first, he'd been a little put off - but, after conversing his converns with the Mayor, he decided he could take on the task without getting attached. And that's how it was... just banging for the heck of it... but they soon grew feelings for each other. Disgusting, perverted feelings of warmth and considerate love. McCheese rammed his quarter pounder up Brody's bun, getting an overwhelmed cry out of him. Brody panted against his boss' chest.

The love of a man and a living hamburger. It was a love many thought depraved, without civility; but for them, it was everything. Their whole world revolved around the heat between them, their touches, their company. McCheese was far more to Brody than a sandwich made of a few dead cows. He was his best friend.

McCheese yelped as he poured his vanilla milkshake into his partner, and Brody followed with his own shortly thereafter. Thoroughly spent, they cuddled together under the blankets, crying in each other's embrace.

The world may be ending, but at least they would die together.


	86. Double-D's Double Danger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo yo yo readers!!!! How ya'll doin tonight?! Well actually it's still mid-afternoon where I am so. but you get what I mean. I wish you good health and happiness! c:

CHAPTER 83: DOUBLE-D'S DOUBLE DANGER

We ran to tha cul-de-sac, numerous people had been murdered. We walked up to Douple-D's house and knocked.

After about 20 seconds he answered door "Ah, hello, Wind and friends! Please, come in..."

We stepped inside it was clean and smelled of hand sanitizer. But Double D said "I suppose you'd like a mission?"

"Yeah," I said, cocking my head, "what's the matter Sir?"

"I am in grave need of your help, Planetheads," Double-D said solemnly. "I have reason to believe Fuse's goons are after a special cache of goodies - right in this very vicinity!"

"A cache of... what?" Rachel asked, she wanted to know she'd heard him right hm

"Goodies," Double-D repeateded, "Candy, treats, sugar and sweets. You know."

I blinked. "YOU BROUGHT US ALL THE WAY OUT HERE, AWAY FROM A FIRNED'S _FUNERAL,_ FOR **CANDY?!?!?!** "

"Wind, to be fair, we'd just returned from the funeral-" Murdoc TRIED to intervene but I was on a roll now, oh boy. "YOU SICK STRAIGHT-TOOTHED-CHALLENGED HATCAKE!!!"

"Commander, please! I assure you this is quite urgent!" Double-D cried as he cowored in the corner for his life. "This candy is no ordinary candy! If my hypothesis is correct, it has existed since the dinosaurs!!"

"THAT'S DISGUSTING!!" I shouted getting ready to hit him with an electric guitar. "WHY WOULD YOU WANT CANDY THAT OLD?!?!"

"It's not just old, it's _magical!_ " Double-D said and shrieked when I got ready to crumble his guts

"Wait, Wind," Rachel said, coming up behind me and stopping me

"LISTEN TO HIM, HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND!!" I shrieked oh great that was the marmoset in me coming out again.

But for her sake I listened to the scared sock-headed teenarger. "This candy was reverse-prophesied by Merlin himself, who said it was made from a special sugar derived from the fat of the brontosaurus and boiled to a bubble when the meteor struck Earth. It is said that Merlin was fed on the crystals of this candy as an infant, and that is how he got his unearthly powers."

I was _this_ close to finally breaking Double-D's head off when Murdoc said, "And you think Fuse wants this candy for himself, eh? Why, to get magical powers?"

" _Precisely,_ " Double-D said shakily, still eyeing the guitar "And as you can imagine, if Fuse acquired magical powers on top of his ability to digest planets, we would be, as the Germans say... _in tiefer scheiße._ "

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!" I snapped, I knew he insulted me in German, I just knew it. But Murdoc wrenched the guitar out of me hands

"Oi! Give that back already, ya bloody ditz!" he snapped.

"So... do you think you could _please_ give this a look? We need to make sure this candy doesn't fall into alien hands," Double-D pled.

The vision of delicious taffy being unceremoniously groped and fondled by wrinkly, three-fingered extraterrestrial paws made me realize just how dire this mission was. I choked back tears. "We... we will do whatever we can, Double-D."

"Thank you, Commander," Double-D said weakly but he was still too scared to leave the corner.

We left his house, he would've wanted that. My map showed the waypoint for the mission (Candy Capture: Part 1 of 4) and we headed out in the direction of the fabled candy trove.


	87. Deathpast

CHAPTER 84: DEATHPAST

We headed out to Candy Cove to uncover the candy treasure. It was alsmost as scary as the time we went out to Africa to find a sapphire shield... those were dark days. We nearly lost Demongo on that trip. Demongo...

I slipped into a flashback. There we were, trudging through the rainforest, Rachel had contracted malaria from the fucken' _hordes_ of mosquitoes and we were 99% sure she was going to die. We had her strapped to a stretcher like a pig for a luau. She was pale and shivering despite the heat and wasn't responding to stimuli hm. Demongo and Zim were carrying her while I scouted for any landmarks shown on our ancient treasure map.

"have you found anything yet Wind" asked Demongo.

"HOLD YOUR HORSES ASSHOLE I'M WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN!!!" I shrieked at him, sheesh he believed he was the only one with a dying friend he could just boss everyone else around huh.

"HEY!" Zim snapped. "DON'T YOU YELL AT HIM, YOU BITCH! WE'RE ALL SUFFERING IN THIS SMARMY JUNGLE! YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WITH A DYING FRIEND AND YOU CAN BOSS AROUND EVERYONE ELSE!!"

"no i'm not..." I snargled, turning away from his harsh words. Then I realized he's two feet tall he can't boss me around and I shouted "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS YA FREAKEN SPACE BUG"

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT IRK'S MIGHTIEST WARRIOR!!" he snapped, and pounced on me and bit my ankles. I screamed and collapsed, and we went tumbling over each other and eventually fell down a mudslide.

"Wind?! Zim?!" Demongo cried, he had dropped Rachle but was now carrying her as he peered over the cliff. "Are you two okay?!"

We were screaming and trying to keep our heads above the muf as we were swept further and further into the jungle, Zim kept pushing me down but I twisted his winky and he stopped. Finally we were spat out like half-chewed hamburger and fell before it...

... _THE SAPPHIRE SHIELD._

"The shield! We've found it! We're saved!" I cried, leaping up and grabbering the shield, holding it up high like I was fucken' Flynn on the poster for Tron.

"W... Wind..." Zim stuttered, shakily pointing at something above me. "Look."

I didn't understand what he meant, I looked around but I didn't see anything? I was about to assuce him of trying to distract me so he could take the shield and bring it back to MY TALLEST but then I looked up and... holy moly...

THERE WAS A MASSIVE ANACONDA POISED TO STRIKE AND IT WAS LOOKING DOWN ON ME LIKE A SNACK!!

I screamed in terror as it conscripted around me, my eyes were forced from their sockets and hung out bouncing against my cheeks like paddleballs. My pelvis and collarbone snapped and were crushed like Ritz crackers. I screamed and Zim screamed too and he got up and ran around trying to find a way to help me.

"Help! Is someone there? We need help over here!" cried out the cry of a man not too far away.

Zim was worried about wind, but he ran to see who was crying for assistance, maybe they could help? He ran over and saw it was two guys coiled in the anaconda's coils.

"Who are you two?!" asked the diminutive focker.

"I'm Link, and this is my best friend Rhett," said the one who had first summoned him. "We host a webshow and wanted to do one live in the jungle to show the folks back home a real anaxonda, but it wound up taking us hostage to eat instead!"

"Thank goodness you threw that girl to the anaconda when you did!" said Rhett. "We might have enough time to escape while it eats her!"

"I DIDN'T THROW HER TO THE ANACONDA!" Zim snapped. "SHE IS MY _FRIEND!_ I'M TRYING TO _SAVE HER!_ "

Just then I let out a horrific scream. Zim fell to his knees, grabbed his antennae, and screamed as loud as he could. he had failed. He and all his friendmates were going to die here. Die, in this moist jungle.

But then there was rustling in the foliage! A nearby tribe had heard the ruckus and had come to assist!

"What's going on over here?!" asked their leader, Zim's translation nanites helped him hear what he was saying.

"LOOK!" Zim cried, and pointed to the snake, I was limp, in its grasp.

"Alright men, let's take care of that son of a bitch!" said the leader, and everyone pounced on that snake and chopped it into litle bite-sized pieces... mm... snake chili.

Wind was fallen from the anaconda's grasp, and she lay there on the forest floor, still. Everyone gathered around her (Demongo and the still-unconscious ex-Little Sister had joined them by this point). Zim covered his mouth and gasped. Demongo shut his eyes and turned away. There was no life left in Wind Walter.

"There is one way you can save her," said the leader, he also introduced himself as Boko. "The shield has magical properties. You can use it to save the white-haired one."

"But... but we were going to use it to heal Rachel," Zim said, trembling. "She's very sick. With malaria."

"Zim, they must have a healer in their village. We can take Rachel there. Please, let us use the shield," said Demongo.

Zim looked from the shield, to his crush, to me laying like yet another bird who thought a window was just a hole in the wall, then closed his eyes and stifled a sob. "... fine."

He laid the shield down on me chest, where it began to glow with life force. Blue light started trailing and shining around me body. It went into my mouth, my nostrils, and... other places... but in the end after the invasive proceedure I sat up, and screamed! They had saved me just in time!

"I'm... I'm alive!" I said, and gasped, covering my mouth with my hands. "Wha...?! I can talk again!"

"The shield must have cured your brain damage, Wind!" Demongo said, happily. "It is as if nothing ever happened!"

"Oh, thank goodness!" I cried, and cried in joy at the return of my voice and motor function.

We brought Rachel to the tribe's village, where a shaman calling himself Munyambo healed her body and spirit. She was lucky. He said that if we'd waited even a minute more, she would've been dead. Zim was very upset and hugged her tightly, and threatened to use the mixer on my buttcheeks if I ever endangered her again. I didn't understand why at the time. But I do now.

Rhett and Link were very grateful for their rescue and took us out to dinner once we retruened to the states. I had a bagel with lox. Link proposed to Rhett right there at the table, saying they never knew when their lives would be at risk again, so they had to seize the day. And Rhett said yes! We atteneded their wedding and everything.

That story had a happy ending, but would our trip to Candy Cove be as fortunate...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who doesn't remember, Shaman Munyambo is from The Wild Thornberrys, and Boko is from the movie! I always wanted him and Debbie to get together. :'c


End file.
